Baby Blues
by fairytail dreamer
Summary: Bella is having a baby. How will she cope? It will be full of mood swings and Emotional whiplash - and thats only Edward. How will he cope with the news along with the struggle of his conditon? Will the pair survive this testing time together. Sequal
1. Prolouge

_**a/n: I hope your all ready for some more of the Edward from House of the Rising Sun?**_

_**I don't know if this story will appeal to you all but I hope you enjoy his new situation. This story will reflect his attitude from HOTRS and if you haven't read that, I suggest you do before you read this or you will most likely get lost. **_

**Baby Blue's**

_Prologue_

**BPOV**

I rubbed at my face and then looked back at myself in the mirror. My heart was racing. What was I to do?

I chewed on my nail, the anxiety getting to me. You would think it would be something I was use to by now. Edward's surrounded me often enough and I handled it.

But this was something different. It was my anxiety and I knew I was going to have a whole new battle on my hands with his on this one.

I looked down at the little plastic stick.

Positive

_Positive _

My legs gave way and I fell to the floor.

It was unexpected. It certainly hadn't been planned.

I hadn't even given a second thought to how it would affect me. My worry was Edward.

How would he handle this? His emotions still gave me whiplash. Even after all these years together.

He could break me with his cruel words in seconds when his grey cloud comes over. And that was over nothing. How was he going to react to his piece of news?

How was Edward supposed to handle a baby when he acted like on himself thirty percent of the time?

I had to tell him, as much as I wanted to put it off, it would only make things worse. I wanted to run and tell Alice or Rose but I knew I had to tell him first. His reaction would not be good if he ever found out he was second to hear the news.

"Bella, will you hurry the hell up." He rattled the bathroom door and I rolled my eyes at him.

"I'll just be a minute." I promised.

Reaching for the handle I knew what I had to do. It was bound to be emotional carnage but he had to know.

_He had to know. _

I was just worried what reaction I would get out of him today.

* * *

_**a/n: Ok I know this sounds a little cheesy – but you all know me – I hate cheese!! This will show you Edwards's life change from the comfort it is with him and Bella. **_

_**There is bound to be more mood swings from him rather than Bella. How will they cope?**_

_**Please let me know what you think.**_


	2. Chapter 1

_**a/n: Thank you to all that is joining me. Really can't believe there was so many of you up for more. I am truly amazed and thankful.**_

_**This story is worked out in my head but where this chapter came from I don't really have a Scooby – it's what came out and I kept with it simply because that's what I did on HOTRS. It's madness and no method but it works for me. It's always just a general direction in my head and what comes out when I type is always what gets posted.**_

**_I got little sleep but i got it done before monday as i had thought!!_**

_**Lemons so please be aware! You know the drill!**_

* * *

**Chapter 1**

**EPOV**

You know those moments in life, the ones that everything feels just so right? That it finally all somehow just clicked into place. The one where blues are bluer, pinks are pinker and love…well, ain't it grand.

That's how it was. Everything had some how clicked into place in this crazy life. Bella, well she was the love of my life, adorable at worst. She made my life spin on its axis just like it should and without her I would have been bouncing along aimlessly and alone.

Work was incredible, my residency had only flourished. I loved it. Taking something and fixing it, beyond normal human comprehension. Working along side my farther was great too, he never eased up on me and I thanked him for the same treatment he gave to the others. No favouritism and the others noticed, so I was accepted.

I remembered the day I took the step forward. The real day I saw that this was all somehow achievable. It was on my day of graduation. I didn't want to go up, in front of that crowd, but Bella knew it was the only thing stopping me. If I crossed that hurdle, life would get easier, and it did. The moment I collected my certificate, I knew I could stand in the hospital and give orders and direct accordingly.

Ok, there were times when life was bad, it got dark and that cloud followed me around but I worked through those times. I hadn't had any ill effects at all in the past month and I knew as I got older that I would eventually grow out of it, this horrible condition that had plagued my life. I could see that day getting closer and I couldn't wait. I knew there would be still very small bouts of it every so often when I was older but all I could see was that cloud disappearing, never to hinder me again.

My emotional state was the best it had ever been and everything in life seemed easy.

I knew there would yet to be years until it passed over, but I could see beyond that now. Four weeks it had been since I raised my voice to Bella and four weeks it had been since I last seen the sad look in her eyes that I gave her. I loved her; I just couldn't help it.

But right now, standing in front of the very mirror that I stood in front of the morning of graduation, in the apartment that Bella and I had made our home, life seemed achievable.

I heard her sweet small laugh behind me and looking in the mirror behind me I seen her, _Bella_.

Her smile was wide and her eyes sparkled. "Well, well. Don't you look handsome." She told me in a mock southern accent not to dissimilar form Jaspers.

I turned around, looking her up and down. She was beautiful. "Well I could say the same about you, but handsome just doesn't cut it." I told her seriously.

"Aww, when did you become so cheesy." She taunted as she poked at my chest.

Reaching down I kissed her firmly on the lips. "For you, I have only ever been cheesy."

She blushed that glorious shade of pink I loved so much and tried to cover her face.

"Come on we need to be going and I need to finish my make up." She rested her hands on my chest, pushing me backwards, out the bathroom door.

"Like you need any of that." I told her honestly. But I let her win; turning my back to her and heading back towards our bedroom.

"And don't be putting any of that crap on your lips." I called over my shoulder before disappearing through the bedroom door with her laughter carrying down the hall after me. _I hated that damn stuff._

We still lived in the same apartment, the one that we moved into when we were eighteen. We had been here for nine years but it felt like only yesterday when I made love to her for the first time not long after we had moved in.

Alice and Jasper had moved out a few years ago, she wanted a new place to decorate. They got engaged and Alice thought it was time we went our own way. She only lived around the corner but in a sense, she was right. Alice and I stuck side by side in life and it was time for us to part and be with the ones that really needed us.

They got married three weeks ago and were only back off of honeymoon a few days ago. Tonight we were going to Emmett and Rosalie's to see the happy couple, tanned and fresh faced from there holiday in South America, somewhere.

Emmett was cooking but he was a pretty good cook. He had caused no food poisoning that _I_ knew of at least.

"Hey, handsome, you about ready?" Bella called to me from the edge of the door, peeking around the corner. Her smile was still wide.

"I'll be right with you, love." I promised as I tied my last shoe lace up.

Running my hands though my hair haphazardly, I was ready to go and only a step behind Bella.

* * *

"You're looking kinda pale, Alice." Bella told her. "You too Jasper." She was teasing them. She tried to hide the smirk on her face knowing too well that the pair no doubt never left there hotel room. They would have been as well staying in Seattle for all of the effect the sun had on them when they had been away.

"Oh, please. I don't want to even think about it." Emmett grumbled as he took another sip of beer from the bottle in front of him.

Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Bella and I were all waiting for Rose to get back home. Emmett saying she must have got caught up at work.

"So did you have a good time? Did you bring pictures?" Bella rambled, glad to have Alice back. She had mooched around the past three weeks at not seeing her. She had Rose but the three of them were like some girly high school clique and Alice was the ring leader, always pulling them into trouble.

"Yeh we had a good time," Jasper told her with a wide shit eating grin on his face. It wasn't something I really needed to know. "But we never got many pictures taken…not ones we would show you at least."

Leaning forward I let my forehead bounce off the table at the thought. _Really didn't need to know that. _

I felt Bella's fingers run through the back of my hair, combing the ends. She knew what this did to me and my particularly giddy mood only fuelled it. I wanted her.

I always wanted her, even when I was drowning in self loathing and self doubt all I wanted was to reach out for her and show myself she really was mine, like she always promised.

I knew I still kept her back a lot, from myself at least. But she always fought me on it and it was those times I knew she wasn't leaving me, not ever. Though as always, self doubt always came niggling in my mind. What if one day she did want to leave me? If she had enough. I would die; I knew that much was true.

But in this moment, perfect clarity in my head, I knew she was mine and that I could have her.

No self doubt at present.

I would be making her mine later.

Sitting back up, I leaned into her, pulling her into me by her shoulder. I lay a line of soft small kisses along her bare shoulder before I moved to the bottom of her neck.

"Guys, really? Rosie won't be that long; you don't have to gnaw on her Ed." Emmett told me off before I gave him the bird with a small snigger as he rolled his eyes.

"I'm just keeping my girl happy." I told him, I still seemed to be floating on a cloud of air.

"Yeh, just keep it clean in company, please." Emmett spoke again. Shaking his had at me and tryin to keep the amused look of his face.

I couldn't help it. Life was good.

"So did you get that guy to fix that chapter yet?" Alice asked Bella, distracting her attention away from my fingers that caressed her soft skin on the tops of her legs below the table.

Bella had become a book editor after she left college and she loved it. There were times she had to leave for a couple of days at a time but with my crazy hours at the hospital, Bella's hours flexed along with mine perfectly, she actually worked at home most of the time, so after a long day with patients, she would be there waiting for me. I couldn't complain when she did have to leave, but I knew sometimes I gave her hell for the job she loved. Though, I hadn't struggled with that particular thought for a few months now.

Her odd nights away for her meetings with authors were the only time we were apart at night. If it wasn't for those trips we wouldn't leave one another's side.

"No, not yet. I'm to fly out to D.C. next week to chase him again." She was having a problem with one particular author, he had published a book, let the fame – and the advanced cheque go to his head, now they couldn't get the second book out of him. She had to fly to Vegas one time to chase him thought seedy strip joints. That part I wasn't too happy about and I think for once, I was entitled too.

"Sounds like more fun." She said sarcastically "I hope you get air miles, this guy has had you through the ringer." Alice was totally right on that one.

I sipped on my beer bottle, still enjoying the odd drink with no ill effects.

Unfortunately over the years I had went back to it, abused the alcohol and my system when I felt that life was just all wrong or too hard.

I was lucky though and never put myself back into hospital after the self abuse. There had been a few more attacks due to illness that had put me in hospital and I knew there would be more to come. I just had to deal with it when it happened.

"Oh where is Rose, I'm starving." Alice spoke again.

"She must have got caught up." Emmett told us as he stood up reaching for the phone.

He called her but quickly cut off the connection. "Voice mail." He shrugged, bewildered.

"Maybe her phone died." I told him, it was Rose; she was the most organised out the lot of us. She marched though life giving orders. People were intimidated by Emmett's stature and they were scared of Rosalie's work ethos. The four of us knew better though, they were both teddy bears inside. Neither of them could hurt a fly. Though I wouldn't want to get on Rose's bad side, I hear it's not nice.

"Maybe." He said but he wasn't focusing on the words, his mind was going into overdrive wondering where she could be.

"Em, she'll be here soon, don't worry." I told him.

Alice looked at me suspiciously. "Who are you, and what have you done with my brother?"

Bella laughed. "I know, he's been like that for the past two days."

"I'll have you know it's been four weeks and two days since I had an episode." I stated firmly.

"Really?" Bella asked surprised, had she not noticed?

"Really?" Alice asked surprised too a moment later. "Is that the longest time?"

"Yep." I nodded firmly, the smile on my face strong.

"Wait? You think your growing out of it now?" Bella asked with her voice almost singing her big brown eyes shining with hope.

"I don't know, but if it is, it's only the start. Don't get to ahead of yourself." As happy as I felt, I couldn't let Bella get carried away. It would only devastate her more when I decided it was time for my next screaming match. And time was surely going to run out soon on that one. I knew it would be back and it had been so long I knew it could be back before the night was out.

"To, Ed." Emmett mumbled and raised his bottle as he looked back at the front door again.

"Relax, dude. She will be here." Jasper told him.

"I know, but the dinner is going to be screwed." He shrugged.

"The dinner is always screwed with you." I told him with a smirk.

"Piss off." He laughed back. Finally relaxing a little.

A second later the front door swung open and slammed closed at the back of Rosalie.

"Where did you get too?" Emmett's joy was visible as he stood up making his way to his wife.

"Who is she?" Rose spat back at him. Her tone was cold; I had never seen Rose greet him like this before.

"Who's who?" Emmett asked, completely confused, stopping on the spot.

"Don't give me that shit Emmett, who is the dirty tramp?"

As she moved further into the apartment I could see her face in the dim light. Her face was damp and she had been crying. Hard. Her make up was everywhere.

She launched something at Emmett's chest, for it to fall to the floor, disappearing from view.

"What was that?" he asked as he looked around to see where it went.

"Something that you and that tramp will be needing!" she shouted again.

"Who Rosie?" Emmett asked, clearly irritated by the argument she was having with herself.

"When was it? College? Or are you fucking her right now?"

"What the hell are you taking about?"

Lunging to the floor she picked up what she had threw at him and jumped quickly back on her feet. Rose's hands trembled.

Every set of eyes at the table were wide with what they were seeing.

"These." She pushed into his chest. "Antibiotics. I need them because I have Chlamydia. Because you screwed some dirty tramp. What, wasn't I good enough for you? Damaged goods?"

"Rosie, I haven't been with _anyone_." Emmett looked shattered at her accusations.

"Stop lying, tell me when it was. It was a while a go, the first time at least. I seen the gynaecologist to see why I hadn't fallen pregnant yet and she tells me there is too much damage, it's been in me too long. I can't have a baby because you needed a cheap thrill." The tears poured out her eyes but we were all in to much shock to try and console her.

"What?" he asked still confused. He wasn't taking any of this in. Neither was I, I couldn't believe what she was saying.

"Who?" she screamed at Emmett again.

"I haven't been with anyone; you should know me better than that. I don't know…" he sighed, his face confused, his mind trying to think.

She turned to look at me, rushing to me, falling on to her knees in front of me. "Please, Edward, you need to tell me who. If he done something wrong you would know." She clutched at my leg and I looked up at Bella then at Emmett in total shock.

What the hell was I to say? I had no idea if Emmett had been with anyone else, though I severely doubted he had. He just wouldn't.

"Edward, you have always been there for me, you helped me…" her face crashed into my lap as she cried uncontrollable.

"Please, Edward, it's me and you, we always look out for one another." It was true, we always had one another's backs, and as silent as our pact was, it was strong and everyone else sensed it.

I looked back up at Emmett, he never spoke but from the look of devastation on his face, he hadn't slept with another person.

"Please…" she mumbled and I let my fingers run in her hair, hoping to ease her pain like I tried to all those years ago.

"Rose, I swear to you, I have never been with another soul." He pleaded before the devastating blow. "But you have..."

She straightened up and jumped to her feet. I sprang up after her, knowing she would try to hit him. She was devastated but his words would have infuriated her.

My arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her into me.

"Let go of me!" she screamed as she tried to fight through my hold on her.

"Let me at the bastard." She wriggled even harder. She was tall and strong.

"Rose, wait." I pleaded. I understood. I knew where Emmett was coming from.

"I have never been with another person in my life you prick." She screamed across the room at Emmett as she scratched at my arms.

"No." I pulled her into me closer. "Listen Rose, listen to what he has to say." I tightened my hold on her once again as she fought against me.

"I-I haven't been with anyone but you…you Rose….you were attacked." Emmett shouted.

She stilled, instantly. Shocked at the words that she knew made sense.

I knew he could never have gone with someone else; they had been together for fifteen years, more than half there life had been together. _He couldn't._

A moment passed as she took in the words before she let out a blood curdling scream rip from her lungs. Bella and Emmett instantly in front of her.

"Rose, look at me." Bella tried to sooth as Rose's painful sobs bellowed out of her. Bella swiped gently at her face, brushing the hair away that fell forward.

Her legs were no use. I was holding her up, if I let go she would slump to the carpet.

"It's my fault," she cried out and Emmett pushed Bella out of the way, desperate to get to his wife.

"It's not your fault, ok." He told her firmly as he kissed her forehead and taking her weight from me.

"It is." She weakly argued back.

"Rose, you didn't know." He held onto her tight.

Alice's face was expressionless, Jasper had his arm around her shoulder but she sat there completely unaware of him giving her affection. She was in shock just like Rose.

"You should take her through…" Bella told him as her eyes glided over to there bedroom door.

He nodded sadly as he held on tight to his wife.

"Do you want me to stay?" she asked gently, not wanting to intrude but not wanting him to feel like we were deserting him either.

"It's ok." He told her, "If you could see yourselves out…"

Bella nodded, understanding.

I placed a hand on his shoulder, Rose's cheek resting on his other one.

"Just knock on the door if you need us." We were only across the hall and if he needed us we would be there for him, both of them.

I walked into the kitchen, turning off the cooker and anything else that was running with Bella close behind me. I felt her cheek rest against my back as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

I couldn't believe what had just happened.

"Are you alright?" I asked her, my voice shaking.

She nodded silently against my back. "Are you?" she asked back.

I had no idea. Everything in the world had seemed so good only ten minutes ago.

"I don't know." I told her honestly. My heart was breaking for Rose all over again, her past haunting her.

"I want to go home." I told her. It was all I really wanted.

I wanted to go home, climb into bed and hold Bella close.

"Ok." She told me softly as she clasped our fingers and I turned around to meet her face.

Her eyes gleamed with unshed tears. Her heart would be breaking too. All of our hearts would be breaking for Rose.

A baby was the only one thing she felt like she wanted to make her life complete. There was no doubt about it. She was destined to be a mother, she was so mothering to us all despite only the year in age.

She loved running around after the people she loved. It was who she was. Why would the one real thing she wanted be taken away from her?

Bella kissed the palm of my hand, bringing me back to her. "Come on, lets go home." She whispered.

We walked out of the kitchen and met Alice and Jasper in the hall. I think Alice was yet to speak. Her silent tone was eerie and nothing like how she normally was.

"We're just going." I told them.

"Us too." Jasper told us, Alice nodding in agreement but her eyes were still far away. She wasn't truly with us.

I could hear the sobs from through the wall. Rose and Emmett would both be in a lot of pain.

There was never going to be a quick cure for this one. No antibiotics could reverse the damage done to her reproductive system.

Heading out the door, we made our way to our apartment. Bella and I, alone.

That moment of thinking life was great, was over. Real life had come crashing back down on us once again and I knew this was only the start.

It was the way life went.

_The way it always goes._

* * *

I stood in my bedroom removing my shirt that I had only put on an hour ago and tried to process the thoughts in my head.

It was part of the therapy I had when I was a teenager. Take the moment, the situation, and the feelings and try to rationally sort them in my head. Half the time I couldn't focus but I tried, thinking and sorting…

The thing was it wasn't really my issue, I could sort through it rather rationally and I could only wish to have the confusion in my head to relieve Rosalie and Emmett of there pain.

Opening the last button I let the shirt fall to the floor, landing at my feet. My mind was on the looks of there faces. So sad, so heartbreaking.

"Edward," she called softly to me, her hand resting on my cheek and drawing my eyes towards her. "I love you." she told me.

I tried to smile at her but I couldn't. Not really.

I nodded, knowing she was trying to keep me from walking that knifes edge once again.

"Can you." she asked shyly as she turned around and swept her hair over her shoulder. I could smell her sweet scent of shampoo. She was signalling for me to unzip her dress for her. Of course I obliged and pulled on the tiny metal tab, trailing it down the teeth of the zip.

I seen a small peek of her back in-between its opening. Pulling her into me, I slumped forward, resting my chin on her shoulder and wrapped my arms around her waist, holding on tight to her.

Her arms crossed over her own body, resting her hand on my forearms. I felt a small sting from a small scratch Rose had left on me as she fought out of my grip not long ago.

We stood there for a good few minutes. Neither one of us speaking. We didn't need to and I didn't want to.

I walked backwards, taking Bella with me, until I felt the edge of the bed at my heels. Our large king-size bed that was more sensible for sleeping I hated, the fact we didn't have the smaller beds we did when we were first together. We couldn't be anything but tangled up in one another when we slept in them.

I sat down on the mattress pulling Bella into me, into the open space in-between my parted legs. It was her space. No one else got to sit there, no one ever. She still wore her dress, the zip down and I could see the small strip of black bra across her creamy flesh.

I pulled at one side of the zip, revealing a little more of her back, her shoulder blade coming into the light. Leaning forward I kissed along its prominent ridge; needing to show her exactly how precious and delicate she was to me.

Her hands smoothed across my forearms once again and I pulled her back into my chest once again. Moulding and settling against her.

I didn't ever want to move.

I never wanted to be apart from her ever again.

"I love you." I told her because I needed her to know, I didn't want her to ever forget or question it. I adored her and having her in my life kept me alive.

She reached backwards for me, her arm reaching high behind her, cupping the back of my head, soothing me as she ran her fingers through my hair.

The thoughts in my head were of concern for Rose and Emmett and also concern for Bella. But my real worry was what Bella was thinking. The discussion of children had always been shot down by me. Even when times were good, I would pull away and shut down. My thoughts on having my own children were mixed - severely.

What thoughts would this put in Bella's mind now? Would it halt her on any more thought about it or would it only spark the fuse of her curiosity.

If I decided finally, that no, I didn't want children, would she leave me for someone who did?

What was I asking her to give up if that was the case?

Would she leave me to fill her own need? Could she?

I held onto her tighter wishing that we could stay as we are forever, that no other questions or decisions could mare our life together.

I wanted her, only her.

I pulled back form against her, sweeping the thoughts out my head.

I still wanted her, only this time it was more a need. The need to feel her close, our connection, wired completely.

I pulled at the material of her dress that was slightly scrunched around her thighs. She understood what I was doing and gently lifted herself up, freeing the material from below her.

I lifted it up, over her head and gently threw it over the side of the bed.

I held at her waist, lifting her and pulling her across my knee and up on to her own space on the mattress. She lay back in her black underwear looking breathtaking.

Standing up and looking down at her, I unfastened my trousers and let them fall to the floor before I pulled at the material of my boxers, sending them in the same direction as the trousers.

Kneeling on the bed, the mattress slouched down as I crawled the short space to my love. My life.

Her eyes still wore the sad shine to them and I only wanted to take the pain away, if only for a moment.

I reached for her, gently pulling her towards me. She was like a gentle flower, delicate and dainty and could brighten anyone's day.

I slid my fingers in the sides of her underwear, pulling them down her perfect legs. I let my eyes trail down there journey, taking every detail of her in.

I crawled forward a space once again and she spread her legs for me, opening herself to me as I reached forward capturing her lips.

I let my hands slide below her back, pulling her closer to me, my erection against her stomach.

My hands reached for her hair, lavishing them in the soft texture. I broke away from her lips and stared deep into her eyes.

I needed her, I needed that love to course through me but I would only have it if she wanted it too. She loved me, I knew that, and she would do anything for me, even take me when she had no desire to do so. If her own mind was still clouded with tonight's events it wouldn't be fair to her. For me not to make sure that this is what she truly wanted too… I had to know.

I looked deep into her chestnut eyes, they were still sad. There was no denying it but I could see she harboured the same need as me, the need to comfort, to comfort one another in the exclusive way we could with one another.

Her hand reached out to my hair once again and I could feel the gentle force she used on me to guide us together.

I looked away form her eyes and let my hand unfasten the clip on her bra before removing it. I needed to see all of her, she was glorious and no part of her deserved to be over looked. Not a freckle, not the soft of her under arm, not even the tiny scar on her knee that she got from falling as a child. It made her up perfectly.

Looking back up into her eyes I leaned forward, bracing myself against the headboard with my left hand as I ran my shaft down her centre, her damp, agreeing with her eyes, that she needed this too.

I entered her slowly, my head rolling back as I filled her. It was perfect. As it always was.

She reached up to my face, pulling my chin back down to meet her eyes.

I needed to see her eyes. I wanted to see every reaction, every emotion her body felt during our love making.

My hand slid down the head board and soon I felt her breasts against my own chest, our noses touching and our eyes still firmly locked into one another's.

We motioned together slowly, in perfect unison.

I could feel the tight ball in my gut slowly build up. As it grew so did Bella's eyes, her pupils dilating from pleasure. It was haunting though. Her sadness was gone for now but I couldn't keep it away forever.

I eased in and out of her gently, softly. There was nothing rushed or aggressive about it.

Our bodies were entwined with one another, our legs and arms tangled around one another's, a gentle sweat forming between us, Bell's skin shining in the dim light from the lamp. She looked delectable.

As the expanding passion grew between us our hands roamed all over one another, touching, feeling. Wanting.

Our pace quickened ever so slightly as we fell to the edge of what was about to come.

Us.

Undone.

I heard Bella panting gently, her eyes still intense and boring into mine. Our look never faltered.

I felt her around me, her body jolting and spasaming as she climaxed. It pushed me over, joining her as I came inside her.

I saw it in her eyes, every change, every pleasure and the need, now, not as quite as hungry before.

I collapsed down on top of her but trying not to crush her at the same time, though I knew she liked to feel my weight against her. She wrapped her arms across my back tight and pulled me further into her, my head resting on her shoulder.

I lay like that for a few moments before I pulled to the side of her, and pulling her into me, my arm wrapping around her back as her cheek rested against my chest.

I loved her. I would do anything for her.

And I would never let her down.

I promised myself.

No more unneeded heart ache.

"You do know how much you mean to me don't you?" I asked her. I did worry sometimes that I pushed her so far that she questioned it. That she may have thought my condition was really me.

She looked up to me surprised. "I know exactly." She promised me with a soft smile. "Not that you needed to, but you just proved it." She told me before resting her head back on my chest again.

I reached for the lamp, switching it off. The clock read twenty minutes to ten and it was a Friday night but I knew there was no where else I would want to be.

I had everything I wanted and life for Bella and I, it was still spinning.

Pulling Bella further into me, we let the pleasure of one another's love sweep over us and drifted off to sleep.

* * *

_**a/n: ok so you like? Or are you like "oh my god – she just ruined it!"**_

**_Like i said - i didnt know where this really came from. lol_**

_**Please let me know! Give some love – I can't believe the reviews I had for the prologue alone.**_

_**Also I do apologise that I haven got back to everyone's reviews – please keep them coming – I will get back to you as I always try to do. My laptop was giving me issues and not allowing it cos I have a load of half made vids killing the space on it.**_


	3. Chapter 2

_**a/n: ok I have been amazed at all the reviews – please don't stop. They only ignite my writing.**_

* * *

**Chapter 2**

**BPOV**

I didn't know what woke me up but my head sprung up at the sound. I was laying in Edwards arms, wrapped around my shoulders, holding me tightly into him. He obviously hadn't heard it. He was still asleep.

I heard noise again, it was the front door and at the sound, all the realization from the night came flooding back to me. It would be Emmett.

"Edward." I tried to wake him gently with a small soft gentle shake before I quickly climbed off the bed and picked up the first reasonable thing to cover me, Edwards's shirt.

I wrapped it around me tightly rushing to the front door leaving Edward to wake up and dress too. Emmett's mind would be far too consumed with his own thoughts to feel any embarrassment at my attire and I really didn't care what I looked like. Emmett and Rose needed us.

I gripped at the shirt a little tighter, the black material reaching half way down to my thighs. Opening the door I saw Emmett and he was still carrying that look of heartbreak cross his face, only now it seemed to look a little lost too.

"I-I'm sorry." He sighed before he shrugged. "Rosie was asking for you."

I gave a small nod of understanding. "It's ok, Em-" I was cut off.

"No I can see you were sleeping" His eyes dropped to the floor as Edward walked up behind me. "I'll tell her you're sleeping." He didn't want to disturb us; you could see that he thought he was intruding. He wasn't, none of them ever could.

"No." I reached out for his arm. "We were just resting, it's fine. We will be right over, ok."

His glassy eyes looked back up at me then behind me to Edward. "I didn't mean to disturb you." he tried to reason one last time to Edward. As if there was any other place we would want to be. Our family needed us.

"Em don't worry, you're not. Give us a minute and we will be right over." Edwards's voice was sweet and soothing. I had heard it many times before but I had never heard him use it on Emmett.

Emmett nodded once again a little unsure. "Just let yourselves in." he told us before he turned around and walked back to his apartment door.

My heart tightened in my chest at the sorrow I felt for him. He was always the strong one, physically and emotionally. He always tried to old an objective view of any matter, trying not to get too self-involved so he could help with his logic. There was no logic here; it was all just so unfair.

I turned to be met with Edward standing in only boxers and a t-shirt. Standing on his spot, I walked to him, wrapping my arms around him. He did the same, only he also leaned down and kissed the top of my head.

Part of me wanted to rush over there and the other part want me to hold on tight and never move, too scared at the thought of what was across the hall.

"Come on, love." He told me as he pulled away and walked ahead of me to our bedroom.

I fastened the buttons of the shirt deciding to leave it on before I looked out some clean underwear and then picking up a pair of Edwards jogging bottoms that lay on the floor in a mess.

I was dressed. It was the middle of the night and I wanted to be comfortable. Though I did have to pull hard on the string in the waist band, they were baggy and my feet couldn't be seen with all the material.

Edward had placed on a pair of worn jeans and a zipped through hooded top along with his t-shirt, him ready also.

He grabbed hold of his phone before placing it in his pocket, worried in case Alice or Jasper tried calling him no doubt.

Silently he took my hand and we left the apartment and walked straight into Rose and Emmett's.

"Em," Edward softly called, he didn't want to disturb him but he wanted him to know we were here.

Emmett's bulky frame filled the door as he walked out of his bedroom alone, Rosalie no doubt still inside.

Walking up to us he was whispering. "Bella, she wants to talk to you." he shrugged.

"How is she?" I asked.

"Calm. Dad came over and gave her something a little while ago, she might sleep." He told the both of us.

"Ok," I nodded letting go of the warmth in my hand, Edward.

I walked over to the bedroom door before giving a hesitant look back, would I be able to be there for her, be as strong as she needed. I had to try. Edward gave a small sad but encouraging smile before I looked away and gave a gentle knock on the door and entering.

"Bella." She called to me softly as I walked in and closed the door behind me. She looked so tired and her face was swollen with her tears, but in true Rosalie style, she still looked beautiful.

"How are you doing?" I asked carefully as I climbed onto the bed beside her.

"Good." She nodded, almost sure. "Well, Carlisle gave me something and…and I feel a little better." A small smile on her face, she was still trying to be brave, putting a face on it.

"You can be honest you know." I told her, if I was going to be here there was no point on her trying to hide it, she needed to let it out.

"I am, I will be. I'm worried about Emmett, he's worried for me, getting me to talk about it but he won't talk about it himself. I thought if I got you in here, he would talk to Edward." She shrugged, she was still thinking pretty clearly. Only Rose could prioritise like she did in the middle of a tragedy.

"Do you think he will?" I asked.

"Edward will get him talking." She shrugged positively with a nod. "He's the best choice to get him talking."

She was right; Edward would see how lost and alone Emmett would be in this. Edward would understand that Emmett would want to be his strong usual self but all he would be doing would be cutting himself off from Rose and his own emotions. It would be disastrous. Edward would try to get him to talk.

I laughed a little at her double crossing, in her own time of heart ache and being drugged up she could still put together a plan of action for someone else.

She looked at me, "I know, crazy, but he wouldn't talk to me." she sighed complaining.

"So how are _you_?" I asked.

"Honestly, a little tired of thinking about it. I have thought about it for the last eight hours and it doesn't get any better, I can't have children, I can't have babies. The only good thing is I know that Emmett didn't cheat. I can't believe I ever though he could have. I'm so horrible."

"No you're not." I told her firmly, she wasn't, she was confused. "You had a shock and you really didn't know how to explain it."

"Emmett could…" she told me as if she should have seen it for herself too. "He must hate me, accusing him of that."

"Rose, stop. He doesn't. He never will. Think if it had been the other way around. Would you hate him?"

"No…" Her voice quite "But-"

"No buts, Rose. He loves you, he doesn't care what you though he might have done all he is worried about is how you are."

"I know…" I small stutter of air coming from her lungs along with a few stray tears.

"Rose." I called for her, wanting her to know just how much love and support she had. I slid closer to her, wrapping my arm around her, Rose rested her head against my chest, like how I had fallen asleep and woke up on Edward.

The room was quiet for a moment as Rose shed a few more tears. I let her have them out because it was what she truly needed.

"I can't believe I gave my husband an STI." She told me a little calmer. "He only wanted a new DVD player." She tried to joke. It was one of those strange moments that humour was needed, like laughing at the dead, as wrong as it was; our minds made us do it.

I sniggered along with her. Some of her tension disappearing as she relaxed further into my chest.

"But really, what will he do now. I probably made him sterile because of it, he will have had it just as long as I have, he won't be able to have children either."

"He wouldn't want any of his kids to be from anyone else but you." I was sure of it. "There are other options." I told her firmly.

"I know, I just don't want to think of them just now."

"You don't have too, give yourself time before you do, let the both of you get over this before you rush too fast, ok." She didn't need to become obsessed with some need to hide her pain. It wouldn't help, not in the long run.

She nodded into my chest. "How's Edward?"

I was a little surprised at her question, she was always just as concerned from his wellbeing as the rest of us but this was her time to worry about herself.

"I-I mean I shouldn't have put him in that position, he is ok isn't he?"

"You only asked him because you were desperate, its fine. He understands." I let my fingers comb through her long blonde hair, easing her.

"But he is ok?" she checked again.

"He's a little quite." I told her honestly. "But he's ok, he's Edward. I'll get him to talk about it later." She knew just as much as me that this could upset his mind, that he would have difficulty digesting the events especially as she had begged him for information.

"Make sure you do, he has been so good for a while now. I don't want to be the one that upsets that. It wouldn't be fair."

"It's not fair on anyone, neither of you deserve this. Just concentrate on yourselves ok. I'll take care of Edward." I told her strongly.

She nodded into my chest again and let out a little tired sigh. "You smell like Edward."

"You smell like Emmett." I told her with a little laugh.

"You _are_ in Emmett's bed." She told me flatly.

"I _am_ in Edwards clothes." I replied with a little poke of a finger into her shoulder.

She was trying to distract herself a little and I would let her have it, if not she might have cracked. She needed some light relief and some sleep before she could ever start to process this properly.

"Yeh…I like wearing Emmett's clothes too." She cuddled into me tighter. "It just makes me feel good."

She let out a yawn, settling into me as if she needed sleep.

"Are you tired?"

"Exhausted. I just want this day to be over."

"Well get some sleep, you deserve it."

She nodded against me once again.

I let my fingers gently rake the ends of her hair against her back as she quickly drifted off to sleep, her day finally over.

* * *

I stayed with Rose for almost an hour as she slept. The reason she wanted to see me was so Emmett would talk to Edward. I wasn't going to ruin her planning by leaving so soon. She slept soundly in my arms, never disturbing. She was shattered and whatever Carlisle had gave her, worked like a charm.

Edward had got Emmett to open up a little, he was still too worried about Rose but it was a start – he needed time to process it all too. We left him with a sleeping Rose and telling them to contact us when they felt able. We didn't need to rush in and move them along; this was something that they had to work through together.

I could feel him, his fingers sweeping across my face. I could also feel his warmth as he pulled me closer into him.

Slowly wakening up I was greeted with his gorgeous green eyes sparkling down at me and a small smile on his face.

This was still my favourite way to be woken up in the mornings, this or surprise kisses. Hell, as long as it was Edward – I didn't care how I woke up, as long as it was next to him.

"Morning." He greeted softly.

I pushed into him further, mumbling my reply into his chest. I couldn't forget the way he had made love to me last night. It was sensual, soft and so sweet. He looked into my eyes constantly and all that I could see in them was love. He was so perfect.

He laughed lightly at my mumbled greeting and I wanted to make him laugh again. It sounded so good. He had been in such a great mood the past two days and I felt ashamed that I had never realized why.

He was doing good to last so long. I secretly kept the explosion of happiness inside. He wouldn't want me getting to ahead of myself but I could see the times getting better, his conditioning lessening and I only hoped it would come soon. He talked of it taking years but I wouldn't give up hope, that Edward, _my_ Edward would stay and never leave me again.

He shuffled down below the covers further, coming face to face with me. "Alice texted, she and Jasper are coming around later."

I nodded in response. "Is she ok?" I had noticed that Alice was a little stunned at the scene last night. She hadn't spoken after it, only staring into space. I don't know how I kept my focus myself. Perhaps too many years with Edward had prepared me for all eventualities.

"I think so. Just a little shocked by it all I think."

"I wonder how Rose and Emmett are doing." I didn't want to go over and disturb them but my mind would constantly be wondering if they were ok, if they were getting through this.

"They will come to us when they need us. They are good that way." They were. Any difficulties and they would come to us, the same with Alice and Jasper. They knew that Edward had to be open and honest and so did they if they wanted to help him any.

The six of us plus Esme and Carlisle were all pretty open with one another, it wasn't strange, it just made us closer, we were a secure unit. I knew that the main reason behind us being so open was for Edward but also knew that they never wanted me to feel trapped like I had when Edward and I sneaked around as teenagers. They wouldn't allow him to put me in that position again, they wanted me to go to them when it was hard and I felt like I couldn't cope with Edward and his moods.

I lost how many times I had crawled to them in tears, feeling so lost and hurt. I knew it wasn't really Edward but words can cut just as deep as knives and sometimes he would stab me deep in the heart. It was hard to take sometimes, having the one you love so much tell you that they hated you, that they didn't love you, that I was just a challenge for him and that I should go running back to Jake. I _knew_ he never meant a word of it. But it didn't stop me from thinking I was going to die of a broken heart sometimes though.

Times could be bad but when they were good…It was worth it all, everything I took form him, all the dirty looks, the cruel words and refusing any touch I tried to give him.

I smiled across at him, his eyes sparking with a dozen shades of Jade. He smiled back and I was just so glad he was still here, that he never struggled with last night but instead actually helped his brother. It was a rare change of roll reversal and one so serious. He lay beside me, his smile lighting up his face, _my_ Edward.

I wanted to stand on the bed and jump up and down at the changes in him. It was amazing. I could see this disease leave him almost in front of me. But I kept under the covers and only jumped around in my head because even though _my_ Edward was still here, it didn't mean that he wouldn't get annoyed with my thoughts. He really didn't like to see me get excited over it. Only once it was truly gone, would he let me celebrate.

"What you smiling at?" he asked raising a brow at me.

I shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing." I made my smile smaller trying to hide my thoughts.

"Bella…" He sighed.

"What?" I asked pointedly, he could always seem to work out what was going on in my head; he could read me like a god damn book sometimes.

"Stop it." He told me firmly as he leaned up onto his elbow.

"Stop what?" I pretended to play stupid. It was safer that way. Sometimes if I worked the pout I would avoid the scolding. He would keep quiet about what was in my head and kiss me instead.

"Stop it, the thoughts, thinking I'm fine, that I'm cured. I'm not." He was firm, like he always was. He didn't want to see me disappointed again. I had been so sure of it once before only to have his anxiety and moods came thundering back, I had been left shell shocked and in tears and he could do nothing but argue with me more over it, _my_ Edward gone.

He told me that he could see it all and even though he tried to reach out and let me know he knew that he was wrong, he was just unable. It went on for a full week, arguing, shouting, it was like mental abuse but I knew it wasn't, not really. Anybody else and it would have been unacceptable but for Edward, it some how had to be.

I took the words, the cold shoulders and the glares but inside Edward was trapped and watching and I had only made it worse on both of us thinking it was over for good, that he would never be like that again.

I fought against it, holding on tight to him, showing my love even as he pushed out of my grips, he recoiled at the words of love and anything else I tried to show to him, prove that I wasn't going anywhere.

He usually only ever wanted me gone in these moods. He wanted me to pack up and leave. 'Go back to Forks' he'd spit at me, that one was often. I had ones where he didn't care where I went to, he would tell me to find someone else, he would tell me to _screw_ someone else.

_That_ Edward was confused, he doubted me. He thought that I didn't really love him or that I didn't want to be with him, that I would leave him. And well, _my_ Edward didn't want me to feel trapped by the other side of him, the one that pushed me away. _My _Edward wouldn't give me what I wanted because he thought it was best I didn't get it.

I wanted him, only him and I wanted to marry him. He was worried that some day would come and I would want out, that it would all be too much for me and I would leave him. He was only making sure it was easy for me. That's what he said. That's what he promised. He didn't want me to have to fight him in court over a divorce. He knew that his change of mood could make it even more painful for me and he would run it out longer than necessary. So, he refused. He ignored most talk of the future, no marriage, no children, nothing. It was hard enough to plan a trip too far in advance. Usually these things were decided at the time.

But right now we were in the present, my Edward was here and I loved him _so_ much. I always would.

"Please…" I asked for him not to tell me off. I knew I most likely needed it, the reality of it but I didn't want it. I only wanted him to kiss me.

He closed his eyes and sighed, surrendering "Just stop getting ahead of yourself, or myself for that matter."

He pulled me into him, wrapping his arm over my waist; I let my forehead rest against his shoulder. Every time he was so perfect I just wanted to freeze the moment and stay like that forever.

"What do you want to do today?" he asked in my ear, his breath blowing across the shell making me shiver.

"I don't want to do anything." I pulled in closer, his grip getting tighter. He had been good for so long I knew his grey cloud would come over him soon. I just wanted to enjoy him like this for as long as I could, Edward being happy to touch me.

"It's a Saturday and I have a day off." He told me as if he was trying to change my mind.

I thought about it some more. I really didn't want to move. I wanted him to hold me so tight that I thought my ribs would break. Me and him, no one else. The others would disturb us soon enough.

"Bella?" he called my name gently looking for an answer.

"I just want to stay here; I just want it to be me and you." It was a little selfish I know, we should have been doing something productive with our time, living life, but I knew Edward was the best one to give me life. I wanted him to look at me intently like he did the nigh before, I wanted only me and him.

He pulled my chin up along and up, trying to see my eyes. I felt strangely vulnerable, almost emotional at the specks of green in his eyes. I knew that they would turn to black soon enough. I was waiting for the change; his moods were always so erratic we never expected them but it being so long it was inevitable now.

I could feel my eyes glaze over with unshed tears and I had no idea where the emotion was coming from. I suppose I didn't want _my_ Edward to leave my side when I knew I needed to be there for Rose and Emmett too.

Was it pressure I felt?

To be there for Rose and Emmett while they struggled, to check on Alice after she had seemed to shut down. Worst of all, was I going to have to fight and prove my love to Edward again when his cloud finally came over us.

"Bella…" he blew out softly. He could see it; he could read me like a book and my teary eyes would have been spotted instantly. His tone had been so soft and a little worried.

I smiled up at him, knowing that it didn't sit right. He would see that also.

"What's wrong? Are you upset about Rose?" I nodded, I was, but something else seemed to consume me.

His eyes narrowed, inspecting my face.

"What else is it?" he asked carefully. "Really?" Hs tone a little sharper but still caring.

"I don't know." I shrugged. I really didn't. Was this feeling just because I was waiting on Edwards's mood to change? Why now? Why after all these years together was I worried now?

He gave a small nod, taking my words but I knew he wasn't truly accepting them as an answer.

"Will you have a shower with me?" he asked me as he ran the backs of his fingers down my cheek.

I smiled at him, he liked to do that. He liked me to join him in the shower and he would wash my hair and my body, concentrating on me. Some times it got out of hand and all sorts of shenanigans went on but many of the times it was sensual. Like he was taking care of me. He liked to do it after a particularly bad episode and I think in a way he felt like he was making it up to me.

"Come on, love." He shifted from below the covers and pulled on my hands helping me out of bed and down the hall to the bathroom.

Once we reached the shower he turned it on. The water warmed and the room began to fill with steam. There was an extractor fan but we left it off, we liked the hazy could of moisture to fill around us.

He stripped himself of his t-shirt and boxers first before he began on the buttons of his shirt that I still wore. I had been exhausted when we got back in that I only slipped off his joggers.

He opened the buttons one by one before he pushed at the shoulders of the material and pushed it over and down my arms until it hit the floor.

There was nothing sexual about it, only some need in him to make sure I was ok and for some reason this only seemed to push me closer to tears.

He slipped his fingers into the sides of my underwear and let them fall beside the material of the shirt as I kicked them off my feet.

"Are you ok?" he asked me as he cupped my cheek.

I nodded to him and I felt the first tear fall. He wiped at it quickly with his thumb, his face full of concern.

"Why the tears?" he asked gently as he kissed my nose.

I wiped at my eyes, ashamed and embarrassed. What was going on with me, was I that tired still.

I Shrugged. "I'm just tired." I explained.

He nodded a little hesitantly. "Well after this, you get more sleep, ok?" his look telling me not to argue.

I nodded.

He took my hand and helped me into the shower closing the door behind him. I let the hot water pound off me as I felt Edward pull up close behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his cheek against my shoulder.

He was worried. I could tell. I didn't want this to throw him over that invisible edge but I had no control over it, over how he was processing my strange emotions.

At times I had seen him become so strong in himself, when I needed him, but would it be enough to keep him with me. Was this what my body was doing? Did somewhere in my sub-concision think if he truly thought I needed him to be there for me it would keep him from slipping into his black hole?

I felt like my mind was muddled. I had never done anything like this before. Not intentional. Was this intentional?

I felt his long fingers gently rake through my hair and I tried to put it out of my head, to forget about it.

I let his touch fill me with what I needed.

He turned me around to face him, my hair full of shampoo. He reached in and kissed me gently on the lips and I was surprised at his action and tenderness.

He pulled me into him close before he gently dipped me back slightly below the running water and rinsing my hair, his fingers once again combing through the tangles.

He pulled me back up to him and looked down into my eyes.

"Love, are you really ok?" he seemed like he was pleading. I was ok. I was just tired.

I nodded and smiled before reaching up on my toes and kissing him back gently.

He reached for the shower cream and cleaned my skin before turning off the shower and wrapping me in a huge towel. He wrapped his own towel around his waist before picking up another and drying his hair lightly and then moving onto my hair with the same towel, rubbing at mine too, drying it off gently.

Wrapping his arms around my waist once more he steered me into the bedroom where he pulled out a giant t-shirt of his and placed it over my head. He knew I liked sleeping in his clothes. I preferred when they smelled of him but as long as it was Edward's I was happy.

He pulled a pair of underwear and knelt down at my feet, waiting for me to step into them. I felt completely ridiculous bur he only quirked an eyebrow at me and waited. I stepped into them and he slid them up before gently rubbing my hair again.

He dressed himself in boxers and t-shirt before he pushed me back into the bed.

He never spoke and neither did I. I was too worried in case he had silenced himself in fear of spitting out something from a mood change.

I lay in bed and he pulled my back into his chest, wrapping his arm around my waist once again.

"Sleep." He told me firmly but gently.

I nodded as I tired to swipe my damp hair away to the side so not to lay on it completely.

I don't know what happened, what had triggered it off but the next moment I burst into the tears I had held in so tight.

Was I that tired?

Edward only pulled me closer to him, sushing me and stroking my arm. I felt small kisses from him too at my back, on my shoulder and on my head.

I pulled on his hand and placed it on top of my chest. On top of my heart.

Feeling tired I slipped into a deep sleep, Edward still soothing me.

* * *

_**A/n: please let me know what you think. Do you think Bella has a lot on her plate?**_

_**What about Edward? **_

**_Please review - it will be like a little christmas present!! lol_**

_**I hope you all have a merry Christmas or whatever you're celebrating. I will be back after it's all done and I have eaten myself to death. xx**_


	4. Chapter 3

**a/n: ok slightly darker lemons than usual - just a little warning.**

**Enjoy**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

**BPOV**

I heard the front door slam close and I bolted up right in my bed, being snapped from my sleep. All I heard after it was an aggravated shout. _Alice_.

Alice and Jasper were here and I was still sleeping. My guess also that it was Edward who had slammed the door behind him.

I sat up in bed, it was late afternoon and only waking from the fitful sleep I had after Edward had soothed me. He had been so sweet. I couldn't understand my sudden urge to give up and cry like I had. Edward was still here with me, there was no battle between us. I could only put it down to something deep in the back of my mind.

Rose was unable to have children because she couldn't conceive, I couldn't have children because as long as I was with Edward, he would most likely never agree to have a child, why else would he continually shoot me down every time I tried to bring it up.

I rubbed at my eyes before I focused on the t-shirt I wore. _Washington State_. It was Edwards college t-shirt, worn out and huge on me but he knew I liked to wear it. I hadn't even noticed what one he had put on me before I fell asleep, only that it was his.

A small knock came from the other side of the door and I called them in only to be surprised at Jaspers face rather than Alice's. It was usually her that came in, though she did tend to forgo the warning by never actually chapping on the door.

I smiled up at him as he walked in with a small hesitant smile on his face. I didn't want to hear what was about to come out from his mouth. It was obviously the reason for the slammed front door.

He sat down on the edge of my bed handing me my black sugary coffee that I knew I was going to need. "Thanks." I told him with a small smile as I leaned back a little. I was waiting, waiting for it, for whatever was causing that look on his face.

"Edward…" he started.

"Slammed the door?" I asked but it sounded more like a statement. I really didn't need to ask, I knew it had been him.

He nodded softly.

"He's gone?" I asked in more ways than one. _My_ Edward did slam doors but I knew that this wasn't _my_ Edward, not this time, time had ran out on his latest visit and _that _Edward was back.

"He and Alice had words. He was off with her from the start, I-I-"

I cut him off. "Jazz…Really… I was expecting it." I knew it was coming.

Ok I had let my mind get carried away slightly earlier and felt some excitement that perhaps he wouldn't leave me this time but once again, I was wrong. Of course he was going to. It was Edward. I had to stop thinking like this.

But something in me felt like he was going to be leaving me soon. It had been a while since any form of episode and I knew it was just a matter of time, hours. That why the tears had come.

I took a long drink of the black coffee and felt the hot liquid slide down my insides. I knew I was going to need more than just this cup to get me though today. I still felt tired and I knew there was going to be things needing dealt with, with Edward gone, Alice was first.

"I'll just give you a few minutes. Alice and I will be in the kitchen." His head leaned to the side, looking at me with sympathy. Something about Jasper and the way he just seemed to look at you could calm you down. He wasn't one for words as such, he was honest at times but everything he wanted to say could be said by a look and it would just simply wash over you, easing you.

I nodded at him, letting him know I had heard him before he got up and softly closed the door behind him.

I took another long drink of coffee before sitting it down on Edwards's bed side table and reaching for Edward's joggers that I had discarded last night. Picking up my coffee I headed through to the kitchen to see Alice and Jasper.

"Morning." I greeted with the best smile I could. I knew I looked like crap. I had literally cried myself to sleep and that though alone made me not want to look in the mirror.

"Afternoon." Alice corrected with a small teasing smile trying to lighten me.

There was a pink elephant sitting in the corner and no one was mentioning it. No one was mentioning Edward walking out the front door.

"How are you Alice?" I sat down in front of her, still concerned of her lack of speech last night.

She looked down at the table before twitching a pout off to the side and shrugging. "I was just a little…shocked." it sounded like a question, as if asking is she really had been in shock.

"I'm sorry, I should have been better, I…I just got caught a little off guard." She tried to explain.

"Alice, its fine you don't need to explain." I told her gently as I reached for her hand that lay on the table.

"Edward seems to think I need to." She mumbled.

"Is that why he stormed off out of here?" I couldn't believe he would pull up his own sister about her reactions when he could act the way he did. I was seriously pissed off at him now, mood or no mood, he should have understood better than anyone.

"He didn't storm out." Alice tried to lie.

"Don't cover for him, I heard the door, he's pissed at nothing just because he having another episode. He can't take it out on people like that, and especially over something like that."

"She's right." Jasper added backing me up.

Just because he was heading for a fall with his own emotions didn't give him the right to pull someone else down with him, its one thing to try and fight and argue over something stupid and ridiculous, but its quite another being pulled down with him because of a tiny moment you weren't the person someone needed you to be.

"He was in a mood as soon as he answered the door. I could see him gunning for her, for anything." Jasper shook his head a little disappointed in his own friend. He knew deep down it wasn't truly Edward but Jasper was looking out for his wife, his main concern.

"Well I should have been there for Rose, Edward was right." Alice argued, not wanting the reality of the situation to be so blatant.

"Forget about Edward." I told them. "Are you ok, Alice?" I asked again.

"Fine. How are Rose and Emmett? Edward growled something about you two going over."

"Em came to the door in the middle of the night. Rose wanted me to go in and see her in the hope Emmett would talk to Edward. He got some of it off his chest. Nothing much, but it's better than nothing."

Alice only nodded softly at my response.

"I told them to contact us when they were ready. I didn't want us to go in there bothering them."

"Yeh, mum had said to do the same thing this morning." Alice said. "I think that's what they need, some time alone." She nodded to herself.

"How are you?" Jasper asked directing the question at me.

"Fine." I mumbled, dazing down at the table with my mind stuck on Rose and Emmett and wondering where the hell Edward had disappeared to this time.

"Fine?" He questioned.

I looked up at him in the eyes, was he suggesting I wasn't. That I couldn't cope.

"I'm ok." I told him firmly. "I just want to know where Edward went to." I told him honestly.

"He just headed out, you know him, not one for talking when he's like that. Why don't you give him a dose of his own medicine and the three of us go for some dinner? He can come back to an empty apartment." Jasper shrugged.

It sounded pretty mean. I knew it wasn't Edwards fault the way he reacted so I didn't like to retaliate and get his back up more. Some times he would challenge me, the glare in his eyes telling me, but this time he walked out after an argument with Alice and I didn't know how he was.

Was he challenging her, Jasper said he was gunning for her, that he seemed to be looking for a fight rather than just being moody. I wanted to see Edward for myself before I acted out in any way. He might have just been mad at Alice; he might want to see me.

I didn't want to leave him, not until I seen how he was.

"No, I think I'm just going to wait on him-"

"Bella, you're always waiting on him when he's like this. Don't do it to yourself. We know you love him but he is an adult, he can look after himself. If you come with us all you are doing is staying out of his line of fire for a little while." Alice told me.

I nodded knowing she was right, but I still didn't want to leave the apartment. "I know, I just don't want to leave. I don't want to go." I was still feeling a little tired and to be honest I wasn't hungry.

"Well, we will get take away." She told me firmly.

"No, its fine. I'm not really even hungry. You two go for dinner."

"Are you alright?" Alice asked eyeing me up.

"Fine." I told her, the look of confusion no doubt written across my face.

"Really?" she raised one of her perfectly plucked brows at me.

"I'm just worried about Edward and also Rose and Emmett."

"If you say so…"

"Alice-"

"Bella, she wasn't being rude, you... you just seem a little off colour today is all." Jasper defended jumping in between us.

"It was a long night." I lied. It had been draining to see Rose like that but I would have been worse if I hadn't seen her, it wasn't that bad, on me at least. I just didn't want to go into detail with them about my own little breakdown. They didn't need to hear about that right now with everything else that was going on around us.

"Ok, I'm sorry. Are you sure you don't want to come with us. We could be quick, before Edward even gets back." She said trying to tempt me. But it was true, I wasn't really that hungry.

"Really, you go. The coffee was enough for me."

"You can't just drink that." she told me flatly and a little worried.

"I'll get something when I want it." For the first time in my life I just wanted Alice gone. I wanted to crawl into bed and mop about, I wanted _my_ Edward just now and he was gone.

She sighed, defeated. "Ok, we will leave you. But call us if you need us, if Edward is being a true dick or if you hear anything from Rose and Emmett."

"I will do." I told them both looking between them as Alice stood up beside Jasper.

"We will see you soon." She nodded.

I nodded back before they got up and left me alone in the kitchen making there own way out.

Slowly I made my way back to my room before I crawled under the covers again. I wish I had Edward beside me but once again, I was alone.

* * *

**EPOV**

I raked my hands through my hair, almost pulling the damn stuff out. I couldn't help it. I just seen Alice and I snapped.

She had went all quiet on us last night and it niggled at me that it was Bella that had to support Rosalie herself when Alice should have been at least trying to help. Bella was exhausted and it was evident as she cried her self to sleep. I felt it was Alice's fault. As irrational as I knew it was I couldn't help but blame her for Bella's state.

I knew something wasn't right when I tired to suggest we do something and all Bella wanted to do was to stay in bed, it wasn't even as if I had seen that cheeky smirk play on her face that let me know she had other ideas how to spend our time. This morning she gripped into me as if I was leaving her for good. I knew it was half my own damn fault also.

I should have kept quiet about how I was feeling. My good mood I just couldn't hide and I should have tried to tone it down if only a little, for Bella's sake. She seen the smile I held and I had infected her with it. To put someone in a good mood would never be a bad thing except when it made Bella think I was growing out of this condition.

_I set her up for the fall._

Alice not being there and adding extra pressure on to her had just made me snap. I shouted and before I knew it I was walking out of my own home and leaving my love in her bed unaware of where I had went to.

Would she look for me when she woke up?

I didn't want to face Bella either. I knew I would only growl at her. My grey cloud was well and truly above my head and with it came the rain, drowning me in a flood of self pity at my own hope, at my condition leaving me, being shattered.

I had to admit I had been a little hopeful, when I seen the sad look in Bella's eye I could feel the cold steely blade below my feet, the knifes edge that I balanced on once again. I held on tight not wanting to leave her when I could see she needed someone, that she needed me to be strong for her. I offered her a shower in the hope of easing her but she only struggled more and before I knew it small tears escaped her.

I knew it was me she was crying for, the realization that my Mister Hyde was soon to come tearing out of me. I had boasted about the record I had broken of going without an episode but I had only emphasized the lack of time I had left, leaving Bella to think about it more than I should have allowed. It was stupid of me and now she was torn apart and here I was, Hyde and on the run.

I wanted to go back to her, check she was ok. I knew that I would have to reign in my temper and mood and try and be there for her. I needed to be there for her. She never expected it from me, but I had to step up and be there for her. She was struggling with Rosalie and Emmett, concerned for how they were but I knew it would have raised a few thought of her own on the matter.

I looked out to the water, the black liquid looking almost intimidating. It was at times inviting, the deep dark black letting me know the hard days could be over with.

The darkest of days I felt like this, exasperated with the pains of my mind and body. The only thing to ever stop me from plunging into the icy waters was Bella.

She had saved me more ways than she would ever know and I knew I had to be there for her, support her with the struggle she seemed to have earlier. I had to go back to her. Shifting the Volvo into reverse I headed for home.

* * *

I opened the door quietly as I sneaked though the hallways so not to disturb Bella if she was still asleep, though I'm sure my sister would have woken her up.

She wasn't to be found in the living room or the kitchen. The bathroom lay open and vacant also.

I padded my trainers along the deep carpet of the hall until I reached our room.

Opening the door I peaked around the corner to find Bella sleeping. She had been up though. She lay above the covers this time and wearing my joggers along with my college t-shirt that she seemed to love so much.

I made my way over to the bed and sat on the edge. She lay asleep on my side of the bed, cuddling into my pillow and I immediately felt guilty for letting Alice get to me so much that I walked out.

I reached for her shoulder, gently shaking her as I kissed her forehead.

"Love." I called to her and she began to stir, her nose twitching as she came too. I kissed that too.

"Love." I called to her again and her brown eyes finally revealed themselves to me, fluttering open.

I heeled off my trainers and slid up beside her as she crawled in tight to my side.

"I didn't know when you would be back." She told me quietly. I couldn't help but see the double meaning to the question, intentional or not.

"I just needed to cool down, try and compose myself a little." It was true. It was what I needed to do. I had managed to reach up and hold back on to that ledge and would fight it as long as I could for Bella.

She took her face out from my side and looked up at me. "Are you ok?"

I sighed; I had to tell her the truth. "I lost it for a little, but I know you need me, I'm fighting it."

"I always need you." she told me and my heart exploded at all the times I had let her down.

"No you don't. You're a tough cookie, you don't need me at all." she really didn't need me. It would make her life so much easier if I was just to vanish, but I also knew that she loved me so I never could do that to her and if I was honest, I was too selfish to do it to myself.

"Yes I do. Don't ever think I don't. Ok, Edward, don't think I can live without you." she cuddled into my side. She was firm, her emotional side calmer than it had been earlier. She was right, she had been tired.

"What did you have for dinner?" I asked trying to change the topic. It needed to be changed to a lighter note.

"Nothing, I was waiting on you." she told me as she sat up. "What have you had to eat today?" she looked a little concerned.

I thought about it, I hadn't had anything since yesterday lunch time. "Nothing." I stammered out nervously, she was going to give me hell, she knew I had had no dinner last night like her.

"Edward." She slammed her palms off of the mattress.

"I wasn't thinking, sorry." I told her honestly. "What have you had?"

"Nothing." She told me flatly. _And she was telling me off._

"You should have eaten something at least." I sighed, she hadn't eaten much over the past few days and I had noticed. She didn't need to lose anymore weight. She was tiny as it was.

"You're the one that could make yourself ill. You are being selfish." She chided me.

"Selfish? How the hell am I selfish?" I asked a little surprised she was whipping my arse over this they way she was.

"I need you, I need you to stay with me and not eating is going to bring down a depression when it may not have come."

"Bella…" I sighed. What was I to say, I couldn't help it when they came, not eating could trigger it but it had already came. It was me that had pulled myself up but Bella was about to knock me back down.

"You know you need to eat." She told me coldly as she climbed across me and tried to get off the bed. I reached for her waist, stilling her over me.

"Stop, please." My hands squeezed at her sides, letting her see my desperation. I didn't want to go and leave her but right now she was pushing me.

"You should have eaten." She told me firmly again.

I sat up, my face inches away form hers. "Stop." I warned firmly with a light small shout.

Her eyes dropped and I hated myself for implying that she was going to cause an episode even though it was true.

"I love you." I told her because I knew it was what she needed to hear. She knew I was still truly with her if I told her that. I always loved her but in bouts of depression and anger and anxiety I would tell her constantly I never. I would try and put doubt in her head, trying to force her away.

Her eyes looked back up and met mine before she reached forward and kissed me firmly on the lips, almost hungry.

I broke away assessing her features and looking deep into here eyes. There still seemed to be a shift in her, it was different from earlier but it was still different form how she normally was.

She seemed almost needy and desperate. She had seemed fragile with it earlier but now she was firmer, more defiant almost.

"What?" she asked me a little sharply.

I tried to hide my look of confusion on my face. "Nothing, you…you just seem a little…off colour?" I treaded carefully.

She scoffed at my words and before I knew it she was off of my knees and furiously tying her hair back. I hated her hair back. I loved it down so I could smell it and run my fingers through it.

"Bella…" I tried to call her back to me, to let her know if wasn't a dig, it was only concern.

"I'm going to make some dinner." She told me firmly before almost running away from me, heading to the kitchen.

* * *

Dinner was quiet; Bella never spoke as she prepared the food. She placed the plate down in front of me with a little thud before she sat down at the table across from me. I played with it, my concern for Bella overshadowing the need for any food. I was nervous with how she was; she was on edge after our words in the bedroom.

"Don't you like it?" she asked pointedly.

I shrugged. "I'm not too hungry." I had for the most part chased the food around the plate.

"You need to eat."

"So do you."

"Edward…" she sighed.

"Bella…" I mimicked her.

We were going to kill each other before the night was out if this didn't stop.

I couldn't think what it was, why the change in her. Was she still tired? Was my condition finally enough for her, the rest of my families problems becoming to much of a burden on her.

It wasn't like her to act this way, stubborn; yes, aggressive; not really.

She knew how to push my buttons better than anyone but she wasn't doing that, she was just…just…being…I had no idea what she was trying to do to me. She was acting like me, when my moods take over. Did she see what she was doing, what she was like?

She stood up and scraped at her almost full plate before leaving it in the sink and heading out the room.

I sat there a little dumbfounded but I couldn't be bothered eating so I copied her moves and emptied the plate after eating almost nothing.

I washed up the dishes and I could feel the emotion getting to me, my condition pulling on me, its grip strangling me.

I fought against it and focused on the soap bubbles in front of me, trying to let my concern of Bella ease so not to knock me over.

Once I was finished washing I left them to dry and headed to our bed room.

Bella was under the covers with my t-shirt still on and her hair still pulled back. It was early but I still stripped and climbed under the covers before easing back into my pillow.

I was still fighting to hold on to reality but Bella's emotions radiated from her.

I closed my eyes and felt s shift on the bed and Bella climbing over me, straddling my waist.

Opening my eyes I sat there shocked as she leaned into me kissing me harshly.

"What are you doing?" I asked a little shocked after I broke away from our kiss.

"What does it look like Edward?" She shrugged and tried to reach for my lips once again.

"Bella…" I spoke her name as I evaded her lips.

Bella wasn't shy on taking the lead in our sex life but something was odd with this. She wasn't her usual self and neither was I, right now. We had made love before after fall outs and even sometimes when my anxiety was rife but this was something else.

We were both on the edge it seemed. I was about to topple over and Bella was acting erratic.

She ground against my groin and I felt myself harden at the action. I wanted her but I wasn't going to do this. It wasn't fair to her. She was still obviously in shock and this would be taking advantage.

"Bella." I croaked out, her actions having the effect they wanted.

She rocked against me again and I let out a small groan.

"Come on…" she almost begged.

"No, not like this." I told her firmly.

"Like what?" she asked a little confused. "You're going to leave me soon, I need you."

"No, I don't care. Bella something is up with you weather you can see it or not."

"Something's up with me?" she asked incredulously. "Please Edward…Don't make me beg." She spoke softly, despretly. Fuck, like I could watch her do that, beg me to take her. I was completely stunned.

"Not unless you can't manage…" Now she was just being a tease but she fed into the monster in me, she fed into the Mister Hyde and before I knew It I was hovering above her.

I felt my self plummet off the edge and into the oblivion as I tugged harshly at my t-shirt that Bella wore. As she sat up, helping me free her body from the cotton I pilled on the bobble that tied her hair back and freed it, letting her hair cascade down her back. It only made me want her more.

I pulled my own boxers off as I looked down at her in desperation. I always fought myself away from her when I was like this, afraid to hurt her but she had dragged it out of me and I wasn't going to stop. I couldn't seem to.

I paused for a moment, hesitant, feeling a little sick. Could I have her when I was like this? I knew I could have got up and walked straight out but now I was naked and so was Bella except from the underwear she wore.

Her hand reached out for mine and she tried to pull me down to her. I fought against what was right and what was wrong.

"Don't you have it in you?" she almost snapped and at her words I quickly and harshly pulled at her underwear, pulling them from her.

Her hands reached for my hair, her fingers raking though the strands as she tugged at me, pushing me on.

I felt my self get lost as I felt her need as she groaned. At it I quickly entered her and hated myself for succumbing to her so easily.

She rocked her hips forward slightly, pushing me further into her and I groaned out at the sensation.

Fuck I loved it. I loved her.

I pushed forward and groaned her name into her ear. Letting her know how much I needed her. That I always would.

I was gone and once this was finished I knew I would banish her from coming near me, I would recoil from her loving touch as usual so I had to let her know. Let her know it would only ever be her that I wanted.

I felt a sharp pain to my shoulder and snapped back when I realized it was Bella biting me. She liked to do it, to tease and push me on, she also just did it around the house being playful. But this was sharper and her face flashed realization of how sharp it had been when I looked down to her. She reached for me, licking it, soothing the bite but gave another firm bite again.

I pulled away form her, out of her before I turned her around and pulled her back flushed against my chest and reconnecting with her.

I was firmer wit her and she only pulled me into her further, her arm wrapping around my neck behind her.

I pushed her forward and feeling more of her as I rocked at her hips, her breath becoming laboured and mines also.

I felt the tight ball ready to explode as I let my hand search out her clit, bringing her to our own little edge, together.

I felt her walls tremble and at it I unravelled, spilling into her as I collapsed onto her back, pulling her onto her side so not to hurt her with my weight.

I felt my eyes flutter close instantly and I could do nothing to stop from sleep taking over me, my body spend.

**

* * *

**

**BPOV**

I felt a tight squeeze on my side, tight like he had held me as he had taken me earlier. It had been so animalistic but it had been me who had pushed for it.

I loved how he could satisfy me and I loved the small dull feel of where he had been between my legs.

I had just needed him so bad, so desperately. I could see his eyes cloud over as I pushed him, _my_ Edward leaving me but I knew that he was still in there and I could only hope he wasn't too mad for me pushing him like I had and demanding him.

I knew he was still in there, that there would be a side of him in fear of letting his so called 'monster' out and hurting me. But I knew he never would. As certain as I knew he would never strike me even when I pushed at him when he was struggling to see what was in front of him.

I felt it again, his firm grip squeezing down on my side. I heard a stutter of air from behind me along with a small tremble through the mattress. His hand swiped at my hip and instantly I turned around, switching on the lamp.

Panic flooded me.

Edward was shaking with a sheen of sweat over him. His eyes opened and panicked also.

"M..." he mumbled quietly as he trembled.

I took a quick moment composing myself and thinking what I needed to do for him.

Reaching into his bedside drawer I pulled out the little bottle of tablets and poured two into my hand.

I reached for the half filled glass of day old water that sat on my side of the bed. Gently I pulled at his head lifting him up a little, against me, before placing the tablets on his tongue and helping him drink them down with the rank water.

He swallowed hard but began coughing as to much water filled him.

I pulled him onto his side and slapped his back gently, helping him breath.

He still trembled in my arms but I wouldn't let go of him. His hand clasped onto my forearm, as his forehead rested against it too.

He had swallowed the pills he needed but they would need a moment to kick in. I combed his hair back with my fingers cursing myself for forcing myself on him when he was like how he was and especially when he had ate almost nothing in two days.

_This was my fault._

His body began to quickly settle and I let out a sigh of relief knowing that this would mean a couple of days in bed for him but at least he didn't need to go to the hospital.

No real emergency tonight.

I reached down and kissed his head knowing I could get away with it, that he was too weak in this moment to fight me off. He would refuse any signs of love when his emotions got the better of him but he was frail right now and I would show him how much I loved him while I could.

I loved him unconditionally, I only loved him more when he would fight me away because I knew that he needed me more and he needed the proof to be loud and clear and right in front of him.

His breathing calmed and I heard the small shallow breaths telling me he had fallen back to sleep. His body was drained and he needed all the rest he could get. He was fine just now but I would have Carlisle check him over in the morning.

I continued running my fingers though his messy hair as I reached for the covers pulling them back around him securely. He still rested against me, his head on my chest, leaning against my arm that he had gripped onto.

It was our usual sleeping pose except we had reversed rolls.

This time Edward clung onto me, not wanting me to leave him.

* * *

**a/n: Ok a little darker than usual, please let me know what you think, I dont see it getting any darker - more drama, but not any darker - unless you liked it - let me know.**

**Please Review**

**Oh, one more question - In HOTRS there was planned scenes that never happened, things were cut out or just didnt run too well - would you like to see outtakes and deletes scenes that were missed out? let me know! xx**


	5. Chapter 4

**_a/n: ok first of all I'd like to give a BIG shout-out to __jadalulu__ for recommending House Of The Rising Sun to people and the amazing words she wrote about it on her page. I was so touched to read what she had said. _**

_**Second - thanks to all the readers who let me know there thoughts on the darker lemons in the last chapter and that I hadn't scared ya'll away.**_

**_More darkward again - I dont know if its a good thing or not! let me know!!!_**

**_Enjoy!_**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

**BPOV**

Edward slept against me the entire night, I felt every move that he made in his fitful sleep as I watched over him throughout the night, to afraid to rest in fear of another attack. I could feel my nerves peaking at every sound and move that he made.

Had I caused him to be like this, was this my fault? I couldn't help think it was. If only I hadn't pushed him, if only I had made sure he had ate. I let my watch of him slip and here he was, almost unconscious from his attack and I only could imagine the pain that had radiated through his body as I had slept.

I felt so ashamed of myself, ashamed that I didn't do better. I knew what he could be like and I knew what I needed to do but somehow I let my concern waiver and I let him down. He could have ended up in hospital or worse…

His cheek swept across my bare chest. Me, still naked from our love making, though it wasn't even that either, it had been something almost sinister. I had demanded it from him. I knew I needed him and I knew that he wouldn't be with me for much longer but I had never tried to hold onto him like that before, not when he was dangling over the edge of rage.

He had stomped out of here earlier in a bad mood, he was leaning towards his darker side, not his self-depreciating anxiety that some times showed, when I would try to show him how much I needed him with emotional physical intimacy. This was the darker side when I would only try to tread carefully around him, using only caring words to try and keep him with me. Pushing him like how I had was so very wrong. No wonder I had seen him slip from me the way he did. His green eyes turning black. It was frightening but I found it strangely arousing at the time, as if I needed him to be like that with me.

Our sex life, well…it was passionate, never shying. We had made love all over the apartment, in the car and many times out around Seattle. It was always fun and we had still kept that needing passion for one another after all these years together. We were never shy on positions either. Like I said, it was always fun. Edward had brought something new to me when we had sex, something I had never gotten from Jake. Edward generally looked after me as if I was made from fine crystal but he let that slide as soon as the bedroom door was swung shut. That's not to say he couldn't be slow and caring, he could, very much so. He seemed to almost worship me and still, after nine years together, I couldn't see why.

But never in those nine years had we made love like that, I don't even think I could call it love. It was almost barbaric, not nessacarily our actions but our emotions, our state of mind. We were both pushing one another beyond anything acceptable.

I looked down to the mass of bronze hair that always seemed to be in its mess despite several attempts over the years to calm it. Though I did rather like its slapdash manor, it only ever encouraged me to run my fingers through it.

Reaching for his hair, I combed it back out of his face where it hung in front of his eye. At the action he pressed his face further into my naked skin. I could feel his breath sweeping across my torso and it clamed me feeling his breath blow across me at regular intervals.

I gripped my arm across his shoulder tightly wanting him to feel the support I had for him even as he slept. I liked to hold on to him tight as he slept, to show him how much I needed him even when he wasn't _my_ Edward because he was still Edward and I still loved him.

I knew I had Carlisle to call, he would need to check over Edward, not nessacarily as a doctor but to ease his mind as a father.

I pulled away form Edward, not really wanting to but I knew I had to get dressed and call his parents. I carefully placed him down onto the bed and kissed his temple before reaching for the t-shirt that Edward had pulled off of me the night before.

I called Carlisle and explained to him about last night, Edwards attack at least, before I stepped into the shower waiting for him to get here.

I let the hot water soak me as I remembered the thought of my shower yesterday, Edward washing my hair and body, taking such good care of me. It's amazing what can happen in the space of a few hours with Edward around.

I felt guilt consume me once again but I fought back the tears. I couldn't be weak if Edward was to wake up, he would only sense it and tear through me, his condition tearing through me.

Once I showered I headed back through to the bedroom to look out clothes for the day. Walking back in the room Edward glared at me, him, no doubt ready to give me hell over last nights actions.

"You're awake." I spoke as I went to him dressed in my towel. Her never responded.

I sat down on the beds edge and reached out for his face to look over him and ease my own worry now that he was awake once again. He turned his head away as I reached for him and I pulled my hand back knowing he didn't want me to touch him. I felt desperation rise, the need to make sure he really was ok.

I slid further onto the bed curling my legs by my side and reached out for him once again touching his cheek.

"How are you feeling?" I asked as he tried to flinch away once again.

He never answered.

I pulled him towards me a little sharply, needing to look into his eyes even though I knew all I would see was the emptiness of where the real Edward lived.

"I'm still alive if that's what you are concerned about." he sneered at me.

"I'm just trying to check your okay." I said almost helplessly. It was all I needed to know, he could batter me with his words after I knew he was fine.

"You weren't too worried about that one last night." He looked across at the wall, refusing to ever meet my eyes despite the fact I looked deep into them and I tried my best to ignore his words.

"You look ok. I'll get you something to drink and eat. Is there anything you want?" I asked him, not letting my real emotion show through.

"You, gone." he spat as his eyes shifted towards me. I wouldn't let him affect me, not his word and not his actions. I had to stay strong.

"Why don't you run along with my sister and bitch to her."

I sighed. _He can't see clear_. I told myself over and over again. I felt useless in this situation, all I could do was try to prove my love for him and wait for my Edward to return to me.

I ignored his words. "A sandwich?" I asked raising a brow at him.

I still got no response.

"I'll get you a bottle of water and some fresh orange. You will need to re-hydrate and some vitamins." I shrugged and tried to act as nonchalant as possible.

He still never spoke, he only turned away from me facing the wall.

I quickly dressed for the day putting on some jeans and a t-shirt before I headed through to the kitchen to get drinks and a sandwich for Edward. I brought them through and placed them on the bed side table for him before I began to brush out the tangles in my damp hair.

He still continued to look into space and away from me. I was worried, he wasn't even attempting to eat or drink. Placing down the hairbrush I walked over to the bed and slid along it towards Edward.

Reaching for the bottle of water I cracked it open and pulled on his shoulder while calling his name.

He tugged back from my touch and continued to remain silent. I felt sick, my stomach churning at his reaction and the lack of attempt to help himself. I didn't want to see him in hospital again.

I crawled over him so I could at least see his face, I still held the open bottle of water for him.

"Edward, please drink something." I offered the him the bottle but he still continued to make no move. Was this his attempt to get at me for my actions last night. Did he blame me for this?"

"Edward…" I whispered out, I felt truly useless sitting here. I couldn't make him better, he had to do it for himself.

I placed the bottle on the other bedside table before I stretched out along side Edward and tried to wrap my arms around him.

He was stiff as a board and unwilling to even meet me a little of the way. It hurt so much to see him like this. I had to keep telling myself that he loved me, that this was all just really some kind of test.

I let my hand rest of his cheek and grazed the apple of it with my thumb as his eyes continued to look straight through me. His eyes were empty and it was horrifyingly haunting. He looked like he didn't exist anymore.

I reached for his lips with mine, placing a small peck on them. He never flinched away, which I was thankful for but he also never reacted, he continued to lie out like a cold chunk of marble.

"I love you." I told him. He knew I did but I would continue to reaffirm it continually if he needed me too.

He slowly closed his eyes though he never slept, this was just another way to try and close me out of his world. I could only try to get him to open up with words and touch, he refused to look at the pain on my face and I knew what he was doing.

* * *

I let my fingers play with the ends of his hair, feeling the soft texture I loved so much. He still continued to keep his eyes closed and any attempt to get him to eat or drink went on def ears. He was just so closed off.

"Do you think this is my fault?" I asked him honestly.

His eyes only opened briefly to look at me and then close once again.

I heard the buzzer at the door go and knew would be Carlisle and Esme. I rushed off of the bed to the door and buzzed them in. I faced them a few moments later when I opened the door to see there two very concerned faces.

"He's in bed." I mumbled as I looked down to the floor. I felt ashamed of last night and knew that Edward could possibly use it against me in his state.

Surely they would hate me too once they knew what happened.

Esme pulled me in close to her, offering her support as her husband went off to check up on there son.

"How are you, Bella?" she asked concerned.

I shrugged not really sure what to say to her. Do I tell her its all my fault? Do I tell her it was me that let down her son and her whole family for not being there for him.

"It's my fault. I…I should have don't better. I shouldn't have pushed him." I let out stumbled. My words I couldn't seem to get out. Anxiety rotted in my stomach and I felt queasy again.

I held up my hand briefly and ran off to the bathroom, the sudden urge of anxiety trying to escape me. I reached the toilet and dropped to my knees retching but with almost nothing coming out. I dry heaved with lack of food in my stomach as I felt my stomach churn once again.

"Bella, are you ok?" I felt Esme's hand on my back soothing me as her other hand pulled my still damp hair back.

I felt another retch pass through my body, my mouth opening automatically but there was nothing there.

I tired to collect myself before I moved back against the wall, Esme helping me to sit back gently.

"I'll be fine." I mumbled as I rubbed my stomach.

"This is what Edward is doing to you?" I didn't know if it was a question or a statement so I only shrugged in response.

She didn't know how we had been with one another, she most likely knew Edward had

been changing moods from Alice but she didn't know about Edward and I. She didn't know how I had been only the day before.

After Rosalie and Emmett's heartache, it seemed to have a more prolific effect on us than I thought it would.

Edward was understandable but I seemed to struggle with him and the thought of Rose's pain.

"Bella you know you have us to lean on, you shouldn't have to struggle with Edward alone; if it gets too hard all you have to do is call or come and visit us." she reminded me. I had done it many a time before and I knew the support they gave me but things had just spiralled so fast from yesterday. I knew I could have called them in the middle of the night if I felt like I needed too but I let my own guilt drown me in shame of what I had done to Edward. I couldn't let them see I had broken him like I had. They trusted me with there son's life and I had been so careless taking what I needed from him.

"I know, I'm fine. Really." I lied to her. "It's just been a difficult couple of days." I knew she would be struggling with Emmett and Rose's news, she didn't need me off loading on to her right now. I had to step up and make things easy for her, she needed to be there for her other son and his wife.

"Just don't feel that your alone, ok. Were dealing with Rose and Emmett but it doesn't mean we don't have time for you. We always have time for you, whenever you need us. You had a little break with Edward coping as well as he had been but it's always hard when the real him slips away. I know how it is, don't be alone in it, ok." Her words were always so caring and gentle. I knew she was right but it didn't stop the doubt in my head that I was only giving her more to struggle with.

She reached for a washcloth, dampening it and wiping my face with it. It reminded me a little of how I would treat Edward when he was sick and could only think of the years she must have spent doing it for him when he was younger and allowed her close.

It relaxed me and I stood back up but with the worry still overwhelming me. I brushed my teeth and gagged at the process before I walked back out to be met with both Esme and Carlisle.

"He's ok isn't he?" I asked quickly. I panicked that this was more than just a normal attack and that I should have taken him to the hospital last night.

"Yes, don't worry, he's fine. Stubborn but fine." Carlisle gave me a small warm smile relaxing me a little. "I told him to eat and drink-"

I quickly cut him off "I tried, I did, but he refused." I was still nervous that they wouldn't think I was looking after him properly.

"Yes, I know. I told him to eat or I would pull him from his residency for a week. I need to know my doctors are of sound mind to deal with patients and this would be a concern if the board found out."

Edward was emotionally attached to all of his family and friends but at work his mind only ever seemed to switch to logical. He some how managed to get through his work even in his dark day. His bed side manor might not have been the greatest but he always did what was best for his patents. Any concerns and Carlisle would step in. He would never risk a patient. And so far Edward had only proved him self to be professional on the matter. Though Carlisle would hold it above his head if it was for Edward's own good.

I nodded at his words. I didn't like to see Edward be blackmailed like this but it was for his own benefit, and I suppose Carlisle was right to be concerned about his patients. Edward wouldn't be fit for anything without eating or drinking. He was purposely harming himself just to get back at me.

"Just make sure he rests for the rest of today and that he drinks lots of water and eats. If he's unstable at all on his feet come morning I'm asking you to call me and let me know. I cant have him trying to work when he is like that and Edward wont give into it."

I nodded again. All I wanted right now was to crawl in beside him and hold him. For him to let me and want me back.

"We will leave you both to get some rest, you look like you never slept much." he told me with some concern as he tried to discreetly examine me, the doctor in him never to faraway.

"I will, and I'll make sure he does what he's told." I offered a half hearted smile.

"Ok, we are just going to see Rosie and Emmett, any worries, we will be there for the next hour or so, ok." Esme told me as she hugged me tightly into her.

Carlisle gave me a small hug too with a kiss on the cheek "Just call anytime ok, for anything. We are here for you too, Bella. Never forget that ok."

I nodded silently with a small smile that was actually genuine. They did care about me as if I was there own, I just worried one day they were going to think I wasn't doing a good enough job, that I didn't deserve Edward.

With that they left out the door and I was once again alone with Edward. I felt my nerves rise again but I tried to put it out my head. It wouldn't help matters anymore.

I walked into our bedroom to find Edward and the empty plate next to him, the sandwich eaten. I let out a sigh of relief as I made my way over to him.

I looked down at him, Edward glaring back at me, his eyes still cold. I picked up the plate but my hand was stopped with Edward's hand landing on top of mine. I looked back into his eyes, silently asking what he wanted.

"This was your fault." he spat. "You could have killed me."

I felt my heart speed up and I dropped my head in shame trying to keep the tears at bay.

_I would not crumble._

His hand slipped off of mine and I felt cold without his touch.

I placed the plate on the floor, It could be take care of later, and I sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry." my words were crackled and I hoped he wouldn't see it as weakness but I was already down too far - he could take me down with him if he really wanted.

"I…I just needed you, for you to love me." it was simple, I only wanted to be with him, for me to know he still needed me but my mind just seemed to become too desperate in it's plea.

He looked at me, never speaking. He seemed calmer almost but I knew it still wasn't _my_ Edward, _my_ Edward would have told me that he needed me, that he loved me.

I picked up his bottle of water handing it to him, "You should drink some more." I pushed gently.

He accepted the bottle and emptied it knowing he had to get better if he wanted to be able to work tomorrow.

I took his plate through to the kitchen and reached into the fridge pulling out three bottles of water. One for me and two for Edward. I numbly walked back through to the bedroom again and placed them on the bed side table on Edward's side. I walked around to my side and lay down as I placed my bottle on my bedside table too. I could feel Edwards eyes on me but I didn't meet his. I couldn't. I felt so weak against him right now with lack of sleep.

I pulled off my jeans and discarded them to the floor and climbed below the bed covers in only my underwear and t-shirt. It wasn't baggy like Edwards ones I liked to wear but I just had no will in me to bother changing into something more comfortable.

I lay on my side, facing the opposite direction of Edward. I looked to the still closed blinds but could see the glow from the daylight shine through them.

I felt a small sensation run down my back and I instantly recognised it as Edwards finger. His small touch trying to reach out to me. He would tell me he would try so hard to push past his emotion and reach out for me when he was low, this small touch against my back was a major win for him and the battle of wills he had with his condition.

Right now he needed me and he was trying to show it. He knew I was worried to come to close to him after he had been so belligerent, it wasn't often I would let myself falter and hold back from him, I usually only forced myself further onto him but in the wake of last night I was hesitant.

I slowly turned around to face him, his line of vision burned into the mattress below us. I pulled in closer to him, wrapping my arm around him and held on tight as I was certain he would try to fight me off. His mind was so mixed, that even when he did try so hard to reach out for me, he would almost instantly fight me back off again. It was exhausting and I could only be thankful that he wasn't often as torn as this.

"I love you." I told him sincerely again as I pulled into him even closer, my arm getting tighter.

Almost instantly he began to buck below my arm, trying to shake me off.

He wanted me here, he fought with himself to get me here. I wasn't leaving him. I couldn't.

I wanted to cry, to let the tears flow for him and the clouded vision he held in his head. He was so confused and he struggled to see what way was the right side up.

He continued to buck below me but I only reached forward, kissing him firmly on the lips. His reaction was to pull away and he shook his head in disgust.

"Leave me alone." he practically shouted in my face. He wanted me gone, he didn't like me to see him like this but there was apart of him that knew he needed someone there, something he could try and focus on.

"I'm not going anywhere." I told him firmly. I wasn't. This was dejavu, it had happened so many times over the years and it never seemed to change.

"Go away." he grunted almost painfully.

I remembered the time he told me back before we were together that I seemed to sooth him. I had learned over the years that sometimes I just had to break down a barrier or two to be there, to be there for him.

"Shhh." I soothed him as I combed my fingers through his hair, he reminded me a little of an upset infant. You didn't know what was wrong, you just had to be there to nurture them and let them know you were there and loved them. He could seem almost as blind as a new born at times.

He tried to push me away further with his arms but I gripped my arms around his neck.

I couldn't see his face and he couldn't see mine so I was thankful that he never seen the rebellious tear that escaped me and disappeared into the material of the pillow.

I only wanted this to be over, not even for myself, just for Edwards sake. It was so unfair to him.

Eventually he settled, falling back asleep and getting the rest he needed to be able to go back to work tomorrow. I listened to his soft breathing and relaxed that his mind was somewhat at ease, his depression and anxiety no longer gripping him at present.

I let my own lids fall and caught up on my own sleep I had missed from during the night.

* * *

I fought against the sleep hearing a horrible sharp beeping. It was Edwards alarm clock, telling him it was time to get ready for work. The sound grated on me until I heard his hand slap against it, turning it off.

I sat up trying to focus. I had to be sure to follow Carlisle's instructions and make sure Edwards balance hadn't been too badly affected from his attack.

I watched him as he got up and headed to the bathroom. He seemed to manage okay but the real test would be when he was back out, weather the shower had been too much for his body to cope with.

He walked in ten minutes later, damp with a towel slung lowly around his waist. He looked so breathtaking, his muscular physique just as stunning as it was when we were in college.

His brows furrowed forward at me as I inspected him. He knew what I was doing and he hated that I would contact his father if I was worried. He understood why I did it but it didn't mean he like it.

"I'm fine, ok." he huffed as he opened up his arms wide and walked in a short straight line with one foot in front of the other.

"I was only seeing you were ok." I told him. "You can't blame me for that." I huffed back to him in a matching tone as I wriggled below the warm bed covers again.

He was better, moody, but he wasn't aggressive and there was no side affects to his attack.

He rolled his eyes at me as he turned to look out boxers and pulled them on below the towel. He released the towel from his waist and went about drying off his hair.

I could only watch him. I always did it. I couldn't think of what else I would rather do with my time.

He dressed before he reached down and clipped on his Tag watch around his wrist.

"Will you be late?" I asked. Often he was, he was dedicated to his patients and I wouldn't fault him for that but he did try to be home when he could, he liked to spend as much time with me as possible too, even if it was just laying in silence.

He shrugged to me, my only answer.

Before I knew it he was out the door and gone.

Not even a 'goodbye'.

I lay around in bed for a while longer before I got up and made some breakfast. I ate it down before I began on the current chapter of he book I was editing.

I was going to have to see the writer of the book in a few days to go over the changes. He never agreed with me and my thoughts and it would result in a painful head locked discussion. Half the time he avoided me, to busy spending the advanced cheque but I was on his tail this time and we were going to get through it. I had too, I had people to answer to as well and it had to be done.

I highlighted as I went through each line, taking notes.

Suddenly I felt queasy again, just like I had yesterday. I swallowed down nothing in an attempt to settle my stomach.

All of a sudden I was running to the bathroom and falling to my knees and emptying my stomach contents. My breakfast gone.

I retched, the feeling of vomiting contracting the muscles in my body.

I felt a second wave hit me and I aimed down the toilet as everything left me.

I spat the remains that lingered in my mouth down the toilet before I reached up and brushed my teeth and rinsed my mouth out.

I couldn't be sure what had made me sick this time. I was still worried for Edward but nothing compared to how I had felt yesterday. I seen he was better, my mind and body relaxed.

I shrugged it off assuming it was something to do with the cold meat I had used on my toast for my breakfast.

I reached into the bathroom cabinet to look out something to ease my stomach. I searched along the cabinet inspecting bottles and packets.

Why did we need all these things? Did we really ever use them or was it just the doctor in Edward that liked to be prepared.

I couldn't complain when my hand found the 'Rennes'. I popped a couple and crunched on them in the hope of easing the need to be sick.

I hated it, hated being sick. It was a symbol for my fear of blood. Any time I seen blood I gagged, and often was sick. The second reason I hated it so much was because I had seen it ravish Edwards body into exhaustion more times than I could ever count. And generally, who didn't mind being sick? No one.

I placed the foil back into the package and placed it back into the cabinet.

Its when I seen it, when I started thinking.

Things had been odd, a little strange with me but I simply put it down to stress.

I picked up the box and looked inside, it was still practically full.

When was the last time I had my period?

I quickly panicked as I counted back.

It had been a while.

I didn't pay to much attention because often it was a few days late but thinking back it was more than just a few days late, it was almost three weeks late.

How could I have not noticed.

I was on contraception so I never gave it a second thought.

I chewed on my lip, inspecting the criminating box of evidence.

Evidence of nothing.

That was the worry, I hadn't had a need for the tampons and there was surely only one reason to explain that one.

I _couldn't _be pregnant.

_I couldn't._

_Could__I?_

* * *

**_Please Review and let me know what you think - I'm bricking it incase you are hating it!_**

**_I didnt think i would get this done before NY with all the shenanagans going on but i managed - so i hope you all have a good one and the best luck to all for 2010!! xx_**


	6. Chapter 5

_**a/n: 4 chapters and a prologue and I have 114 reviews - **__**Mind blowing**__**!! Thank you all so much. **_

_**Please don't stop the reviews.**_

* * *

**Chapter 5**

**EPOV**

I pulled up to work early, the demon in me speeding from Bella at a rate that I should have surely have been pulled over with.

I ran my fingers through my hair, not even realizing until I felt the sharp tug of me pulling my own hair. I was practically pulling it out.

I hated myself

I _hated_ myself

How could I have done that too her? It took all the power in me to reach out that one finger, to silently apologise and ask her to come to me and as soon as she did, I pushed her away again.

She ignored all the shit I gave her and held on tight, never letting go of me and she even lay there kissing me and telling me she loved me.

I don't know how I got so dark, that I had taken her like I did.

I loved her and she loved me but what we did wasn't out of love. It was just need, greedy need for one another when we should have known better.

She had kept pushing me.

Bella could push me unlike anyone else, she always seemed to know the right words to push me in the direction I was needing but this, she was almost vicious in her words, it wasn't Bella at all and I hadn't been myself either.

Then waking up and feeling the surge of pain going though me I knew instantly what it was. My body began to tremble also but as I lay asleep my attack only got worse before the agony had woken me up and all I could do was hope to wake Bella up to help me before it got any worse and I needed hospital.

The pain seared through my gut and I reached for Bella praying to waken her up.

She helped me like I knew she would, like she always does. My mind was hazy but I knew that I had fallen asleep against her, her arms wrapped around me holding me close.

It made me feel like a juvenile, needing to be cared for and to for her hold me like she did but I knew it was only concern and compassion that she had for me. She was worried in case I had to be taken back into hospital.

Once I had woken up in the morning I couldn't help but blame her for it. She had pushed me to have her and I used it against her, passing the buck on my own behaviour. It was me who had done the damage to myself. She had been right, I had been selfish in not eating and now I was blaming her for it.

I glared at her and spat venomous words at her all day yesterday and every word I said she took and I hated myself even more for it, that she seemed almost _use_ to it.

I had calmed over night but the cloud still continued to follow me.

The first real note of this was when I could see her eye me up. I knew what she was doing, she was checking I was balanced enough on my feet, my father no doubt telling her to do so. It grated at me more than it should have and it took everything in me not to snap like I wanted too.

I knew I needed to get away from her quickly. I shrugged at her questions while getting ready at break neck speed and before I knew it I was racing away in my car.

Sitting parked outside the hospital I knew what would follow today. My dad would watch over me like a criminal and pull me back from the important cases. He always did. It was only concern for his patients and the fact that he knew if I screwed up the board would have me out, they would see me as a concern.

I couldn't fuck up ever, I wouldn't get a second chance like the others.

I was smart though, I was able to see between personal and professional. Professional, I could keep my head a lot easier than personal. It was only after attacks I was segregated like I was, just until he was sure I wouldn't collapse into a patient. It wouldn't do the hospital any good having their doctors need medical help as they worked on traumas.

Walking in through the hospital I reached the changing rooms and began to change into my blue scrubs and white coat before walking up to the group and being given our daily orders.

Like I knew what would happen, I was shoved into the ER to deal with petty incidents. I couldn't complain, least I was still working. I worked through my day keeping pretty quiet and just generally trying to keep myself out of bother. This wasn't a place that I could slip up in. I had to keep my temper under control with the other doctors. Like I said, I was professional and some how I managed to keep it like that, though it was hard work sometimes.

"Doctor Cullen, there is a girl in room two that needs her ankle checked over." I nodded to the nurse, acknowledging her as I finished writing up my previous patient.

This was my day after attacks. Bandaging up cheerleaders and stitching up brutes that couldn't resist the lure of a good fight.

I walked into room two and lying out on the bed was a girl with masses of brown hair and big brown eyes. She was young, sixteen, but I couldn't help think that she looked just like Bella when I met her.

She was laughing away without a care in the world with her friend before she noticed me walk into the room.

"Rachel?" I asked her as I looked down at the chart, making sure she was the right patient.

She nodded shyly at me.

"So how did you manage to hurt your ankle?" I asked as I held her foot gently as she winced slightly.

"I…I fell." She told me but it seemed as if she wasn't sure.

Her friend rolled her eyes. "She fell." she stated firmly. "She's a bit of a disaster, always tripping up over herself."

I looked between the two girls, Rachel reddening with her friends words as she looked down to her lap.

I held in the laugh as she seemed to resemble Bella even more.

Bella had been perfect, she still was but I couldn't help think that I had taken all the perfection out of her, I had taken all of her air and deflated her.

She didn't seem to be like this little girl, but here was the girl and she was exactly how Bella used to be.

I shook the though out of my head and tried to remain professional.

"Can you wriggle your toes for me?" I asked her. The look of concentration as she looked down to her feet, willing them to move. The grove on her forehead showing, just like Bella.

They did and she sighed, content, obviously aware herself it wasn't broken.

I checked over her foot a little more before I decided it was a sprain.

"You will have to be careful with it for a week or so-"

"Then try and walk back on it, you need to get it moving again…Yes, I know." Rachel told me with a small shrug.

I smirked at her, she had obviously been here before.

I excused myself to go get a support for her and quickly returned to Rachel by herself.

"Your friend gone?" I asked.

"Yes, she is getting a drink and seeing if she can see my mum."

I nodded as I took a seat in front of the end of the bed. "Do you do this a lot?" I asked her.

She blushed a little "All the time, I'm so clumsy. But least there's no blood."

I laughed at that one, pretty hard too.

"What?" she asked a little surprised.

"You remind me of my girlfriend." I said with a smile.

The girl only smiled back with a little hesitance as I began to wrap the support around her ankle.

"Do you fix her up as well?" She asked.

"All the time." I chuckled.

I did fix her up, physically, I always did, emotionally, I was tearing her down.

"She's lucky to have such a smart boyfriend."

"Na," I sighed thinking about her, about how Bella seemed to be so full of life just like my patient. "I'm the lucky one."

"Sounds like someone's whipped." she laughed.

I looked up at her laughing at her words "Definitely." I cocked an eyebrow at her "There's no better way to be. I just hope she doesn't get fed up with me."

"I don't think she will, if she does she is crazy." she laughed a little again.

I knew that if Bella had any sense, she would leave me, so maybe she was a little crazy to stay with me in the first place.

We were both a little crazy, perhaps.

* * *

**BPOV**

I had found a seat on top of he toilet as I looked accusingly at the box of tampons. I must have sat there for a good two hours, thinking.

_Could I be?_

But I was on birth control.

I knew it was still possible, just very, very, _very_ unlikely. Would that tiny chance have to come and smack me on the face?

I knew there was nothing I could do about it unless I knew for sure so I had eventually got ready and headed to pharmacy.

Walking along the isles I looked for the pregnancy tests, the irony of the condoms next to them not completely lost on me. I kept my head down, afraid of something. I didn't know what. The truth I suppose. That this little cardboard box I held in my hand was going to determine me and Edwards future.

It's a weird thing to think that. That inside the packaging a little stick of plastic could determine your future in a few minutes.

This morning I thought that the stressful part of my day was going to be when Edward got back home from work and was ready to continue with his barrage of verbal abuse or if I was lucky, the silent treatment.

Sitting back in the bathroom where I had spent most of my day, with nervous fingers I opened the packaging revealing my own little personal magic eight ball - was it to be a yes or was it to be a no?

I sat nervously waiting for the result to show on the tiny little screen when I heard the door close with a thud.

_Edward_

He was home earlier that I thought, no doubt Carlisle worrying about him and sending him packing for the day.

He just had to do it to day.

I heard Edward call my name and I called back to him letting him know where I was.

He called through the door telling me to hurry up, that he needed a shower.

I jumped up making sure the door was locked.

I rubbed at my face and then looked back at myself in the mirror. My heart was racing. What was I to do?

I chewed on my nail, the anxiety getting to me. You would think it would be something I was use to by now. Edward's surrounded me often enough and I handled it.

But this was something different. It was my anxiety and I knew I was going to have a whole new battle on my hands with his on this one.

I looked down at the little plastic stick.

Positive

_Positive _

My legs gave way and I fell to the floor.

It was unexpected. It certainly hadn't been planned.

I hadn't even given a second thought to how it would affect me. My worry was Edward.

How would he handle this? His emotions still gave me whiplash. Even after all these years together.

He could break me with his cruel words in seconds when his grey cloud comes over. And that was over nothing. How was he going to react to his piece of news?

How was Edward supposed to handle a baby when he acted like on himself thirty percent of the time?

I had to tell him, as much as I wanted to put it off, it would only make things worse. I wanted to run and tell Alice or Rose but I knew I had to tell him first. His reaction would not be good if he ever found out he was second to hear the news.

"Bella, will you hurry the hell up." He rattled the bathroom door and I rolled my eyes at him.

"I'll just be a minute." I promised.

Reaching for the handle I knew what I had to do. It was bound to be emotional carnage but he had to know.

_He had to know. _

I was just worried what reaction I would get out of him today.

* * *

**EPOV**

Bella walked out from the bathroom, her footing seeming a little hesitant of me. Was she scared of me?

Bella was never scared of me. She knew I could snap but that I would never hurt her, not physically.

"Take your time, next time." I mumbled sarcastically and harshly to her.

I eyed her up wearily but she said nothing, instantly she put her head down and walked past me silently.

She seemed so lost and I could have slapped myself for my comment.

There was no sparkle about her, I had seen it on Friday night but it was gone now, along with the real me.

I couldn't get my Rachel out my head, she had been just like Bella, the Bella I knew before I took hold of her, before I drained her of everything good.

Her actions on Saturday night must have been because of me. I had rubbed off on her too much.

I needed to try and work through this grey cloud and get back to her soon. I hated when I left her, I never truly left her, instead I was forced into watching her be verbally abused.

But it was me that did it. No matter how many times I thought of it as another side of me, it was still me and it was me that caused her so much pain over the years.

She was there for me during my attack and I still went after her, exhausted as I was, I used all my energy just to have cheap verbal punches at her. She didn't deserve any of it but I knew something wasn't right with her for her to be as forceful as she was when she wanted me.

I climbed into the shower and let the day wash away. The hot water relaxed my muscles and I was glad to finally feel something ease up on me.

I felt bad at my banging on the door when Bella was in. She was only having a moment reliving herself but I came barging on the door chasing her out.

I had to try harder with my emotions. It wasn't fair on her. When I seen her come out the bathroom she looked scared, worried and I knew it was about my reactions, how I would be around her.

I got away from work early, my body still not quite recovered from the attack and I seemed to struggle. My father noticed this and I was punted out the door straight away.

I wanted to crawl into bed and I wanted to rest in Bella's arms like how I fell asleep after the attack.

I only wanted to be closer to her but all I was doing was forcing her away from me. I couldn't seem to control my tongue and I knew I would bite at her soon enough, that's why I tried to fight the surging emotions. I only wanted Bella.

Getting out the shower I wrapped a towel around my waist and dried of with another as I made my way to the bedroom. Bella was tidying up, there was clothes scattered around the floor from the weekend and the bed was still unmade.

I was a little surprised, neither of us was the most tidy but Bella tried to keep on top of it and the bed was made everyday when I arrived home from work.

She finished with the bed and I sat down on the edge of it, catching my breath.

She was silent but I could still sense her movements behind me as she flitted about with god knows what.

All I wanted was for her to come to me but she didn't. I hoped she would after I had been relatively relaxed to wards her this morning.

"Bella..." I croaked out, her name lingering in the air.

"Yes." was all she gave back.

I let a moment pass, trying to gather my words, ease my mind and emotions.

I sighed heavy. "I love you." the words a whisper.

Instantly I felt the bed shift as she climbed over to me, wrapping her arms around my neck and leaning forward to kiss me firmly on the cheek from behind.

"I'm all wet." I sighed trying to keep her from getting to close.

"I don't care." she told me firmly as she pulled into me even closer, letting do of my neck and rewrapping her arms around my chest along with her legs around my waist.

She wasn't letting me escape her this time. Her head rested on my back and I heard her tell me she loved me also.

I let her rest into me for a few moment, absorbing her.

This is what I wanted, I wanted her arms wrapped around me.

My hands slid along the denim of her jeans that she wore, the denim wrapped around me and covering her pale flesh.

I reached behind me and pulled her to my front, her grip never easing on me.

My gray cloud was still here but I was beginning to resurface.

I pulled away from her, looking into her eyes, they sparkled but it wasn't excitement, they sparkled with the unshed tears they held. I kissed her firmly on the lips before I brought her back in to me and me into her, both our chins resting on the others shoulder.

I let my fingers run thought her hair and my grip grew tighter.

"I'm sorry." I herd her mumble into me.

I pulled her back again and inspected her face and shook my head.

"It wasn't your fault." I knew instantly she was talking bout the sex we had shared.

"Yes it was, I just…I needed you that little bit longer." her eyes dropping down to my chest.

"I was only happy to have you like I did." I told her honestly, as cold and as calculated as our love making had been, I still got to be with her and I wanted her.

Her fingers fluttered across my chest wiping away small beads of water. "You should get some clothes on." she told me quietly but she never moved to let me get them. I didn't want them anyways.

"I don't want to." I lifted up her chin and could see something, I didn't know what it was but there was something. She carried a look of apprehension across her face despite my trying. Was she still waiting for me to explode over nothing?

I cupped her cheek and kissed her showing her I was coming back to her but when I pulled away the look still marred her face.

"Are you ok?" I asked, genuinely concerned with her behaviour, she has been odd all weekend and now it was beginning to really scare me.

She nodded softly as she looked away again.

She was keeping something from me, I was sure of it, either that or there was something genuinely wrong with her. She would always look me in the eye. It was truth. It was all I got told in therapy, look them in the eye, be honest, she practiced along with me what they preached but her practising had stopped.

"Bella…" I eyed her.

She let out a small laugh "Edward, I'm fine. Are you ok?" she looked me in they eye and I felt confused at what I had just witnessed moments before.

I shrugged. "I got sent home early, the attack…" she nodded understanding. She always understood.

"I love you." she told me as she looked me in the eye and combed a damp piece of hair out of my eyes.

"I love you." I told her and she reached in kissing me tenderly.

I pulled her back into the bed with me, immediately the room going black with her hair cloaking over my face.

I laughed and combed some of it away so I could see her.

She sat back up, straddling over me and picked up the towel I used to dry myself. She reached forward, towel drying my hair a little more before she moved onto my shoulders and chest, wiping away the last beats of water that had fell from my hair.

"You know your perfect." she told me as her finger traced along my abdomen.

"What part of me might that be because I cant see anything that's right."

She sighed heavily. "All of you, everything about you is perfect."

I looked into her eyes and seen she really believed that, that even after all I put her though she thought I was perfect. It was a little fucked up to say the least but I wouldn't bring her down by saying that.

"I think you're , perfect. Nothing is bad about you, you're so good and you sit there and put up with me, even after all these years."

"You think your bad?" she asked me warily.

"You don't?" I asked surprised.

"No, there is nothing bad in you, you might get a little dark - but there is no bad." she told me firmly.

"How did I get so lucky?" I asked her as I pulled her back down on to me.

"It helps that your hot… and that your loaded."

I laughed hard, I knew that Bella wasn't a shallow person and those two things truly never mattered to her, especially not my family's wealth. Money held no interest for her and she would only get mad at me if I splurged out buying her expensive things, though I still did occasionally.

"I suppose I should thank my great grandparents then." My family's money was old and nothing to do with the success of my father, it was my great grand parents that invested there money carefully in the right things.

"You should, perhaps some flowers on there graves?" she teased some more.

It was good to have both of us back to normal a little more. Something was still off in each of us but right now in this moment it was gone. In this moment I was content.

After a quiet moment Bella began to speak again. "You know you will get the cold if you don't get some clothes on."

"And I thought I was the doctor."

"Yes you are, but I'm the one with the common sense." she poked me lightly.

"That's debatable." I could only think about silly mistakes over the years. If there was a hard and an easy way of doing something, Bella tended to go for the hard option but when it came down to it she was right, she had the level head out the both of us.

I leaned down to her ear "Why don't you get rid of your clothes and I get rid of the towel and we both climb under the covers and keep one another warm."

Her head snapped up, her eyes wide and the look she wore floored me, she was worried that it would happen again, that I would have another attack from being intimate with her or that it would be dark, that it wouldn't be love that we made, just like last time.

"I..I…I don't know if that's a good idea." she whispered to me.

I pulled her close to me and rolled her over on to her back so she was below me. "And why wouldn't you think it was a good idea?" I could guess her reasoning but really it was so far from right. The attack I had brought on myself, because I never ate.

She looked away form me and bit down on her bottom lip.

I pulled on it with my index finger and she realised it. I made her eyes meet mine. "I'm not going to hurt you." I could hear the tone in my voice falter.

Had I hurt her last time? I didn't even know if I had.

She shook her head "You never hurt me, never. But are you sure, are you sure it wont be like last time, any of it?"

I felt so ashamed. Here was I trying to get into her underwear and she was fearing me, fearing the one true thing we shared together.

"None of it will, I promise." I knew it wouldn't, I was below the cloud but I wasn't balancing on that dangerous edge, I had learned some self-control of it and myself over the years. I needed her. "I'm sorry for last time and sorry if I scared you."

She shook her head. "It was my fault, I shou-"

I cut her off holding my finger over her lips. We were both sorry but it was over and all I wanted to think about was what was ahead of us.

"It doesn't matter, not anymore." she nodded against my finger and I pulled it away kissing her and making love to her the way I should have the other day.

* * *

Bella lay curled against me, sleeping. We had made love and nodded off almost instantly. I had woken up around twenty minutes ago after not really sleeping long but I was happy to watch Bella sleep, she seemed content. She had shown so many different emotions on her face since I got home but I finally found myself relaxing as she slept.

I had to make love to her, I had to show her exactly how much I cherished her so I took her, slowly and gently.

I had felt so disgusted with myself with the fact she seemed to almost scared of the idea of sleeping with me. Our aggressive love had scared her more than I could have realized. I only hoped that she wouldn't carry it around with her, mulling over it for too long.

It had been a long hard weekend and I wanted nothing better than to put it behind us. Emmett and Rosalie would need some moral support over the coming weeks and I could only hope and pray that I could be there for them like they have been here for me, constantly.

Her brown hair shifted into my face a little as she moved and felt it tickle. I gently brushed it out of my face as I slid out from underneath her.

I was starving and I would have only make myself ill if I didn't eat. I couldn't have another attack so soon, especially not after being with Bella, she would think she was making me ill and I would spend all my time trying to settle her mind.

I dressed in jeans and a t-shirt before I headed to the kitchen

I turned on the radio just enough that I could hear it and that it didn't travel through to Bella. She deserved some rest.

I began raiding the fridge and cupboards determined to make something for both to eat. I wasn't that great of a cook, I could cook, I just wasn't as good as Bella but I did love to try and make something for her often. She worked at home most of the time but it didn't mean that she didn't work hard. I felt it was only fair that we both took it in turns to cook. I didn't want Bella to think it was some 'woman's place' thing even though she did enjoy doing it. I wasn't Charlie, I had spent so long in self exile territory that I had became quite apt in making dinner.

But I was tired and it had been a long day so it was going to be something relatively quick and easy.

I boiled up some water to cook past and began to cut through some chorizo sausage and some peppers and red onions.

Half way though my chopping I jumped as Bella came creeping up behind me.

"Fuck." I cursed as I shoved my finger into my mouth.

She made me jump and the knife had slipped catching the tip of my finger.

I turned to her, her eyes wide. "Sorry, sorry. sorry." she panicked as she reached for my hand that was in my mouth.

I shook her off knowing as soon as she would see the blood she would hit the floor, it was always her reaction, that or throwing up, often both.

I sooked what I could off my finger as I reached the kitchen roll with my spare hand, Bella quickly by my side, helping tear off a few squares as she continued to tell me how sorry she truly was.

I quickly clutched my finger in the paper "It's fine." I told her honestly.

"I should never have done it, I didn't realize…" she sighed at herself.

"Bella it's a tiny cut." I shrugged and hoped it really was. I never really got to inspect it before I placed it in my mouth.

"Lemme see." she demanded and I began laughing.

"You know what will happen if I do that." I told her with a smile.

She smiled sheepishly at me knowing too well the end result.

"You finish the chopping, I'll take care of this." I told her with a nod and she shuffled towards the chopping board and knife.

I headed on my way to the bathroom laving her to dinner when I heard her call on me again.

"Edward." she called rushing towards me. I stopped and looked at her, the apprehension written all over her face once again.

I rose my brows to her, silently asking what she wanted.

"I'll get it." she told me with a tight smile. "I'll get the plasters."

I furrowed my brow in confusion.

"I'll handle my finger, you chop. I promise not to jump up on _you_ when I'm done." I winked at her.

She rushed to my side, reaching for my arm.

"I can do it." she told me firmly.

"Bella it's fine, I'm a doctor. I'm sure I can handle it. But it fills me with joy that you trust me so much." I told her sarcastically as laughed lightly as I reached for the bathroom cabinet.

"Edward…" she called to me in desperation as I opened up the little doors.

I turned to face her as she squeezed in front of me "Please." she pushed me forward, towards the door.

What was going on with her. She knew she couldn't help me. _She just couldn't. _She never tried before because we knew what would happen.

"Bella..?" I eyed her suspiciously.

I took a step towards the door and her head dropped, her body relaxing.

She should know by now that she couldn't get anything past me. She was just so damn readable to me.

I took my step back, towards her again, her head snapping back up and body going ridged.

"What's in there?" I asked as I pointed over her shoulder.

"Nothing." she told me quickly with a tight smile.

"Bella..? Don't lie."

She shook her head. "I'll get you a plaster." she told me, her head swerving to block my view.

Ok, whatever the hell she was hiding she had done a shit job at covering it up. Her panic had only made me more worried about what was in that damn cupboard.

She bit her lip waiting for me to leave so I head out the door.

I seen her turn to the cabinet before I left and quickly turned around, catching her off guard and pushing past her.

She screeched my name as she tried to push me away again.

"What are you hiding?" I shouted. I felt angry at her trying to undermine me like she was trying to do. I was going to get to the bottom of this and I had a feeling it was connected to the look on her face.

Was she ill, was she hiding some kind of medication from me?

I pushed my hand with the bloody finger over her shoulder knocking everything out the cabinet and into the sink.

I looked down reading the medicine bottles but they all belonged to me. My name printed along them.

I spotted it. What she was trying to hide.

I reached for the box, the words typed in big white letters 'Pregnancy Test'.

Lifting it up I held it in front of her.

_What was going on?_

* * *

_**a/n: yep - I'm leaving you hanging - but I will try to batter out the next chappy ASAP! **_

_**Please review - they make the Baby not so Blue! (And by baby, yes, I do mean me lol)**_

_**Want to know the scoop and when its happening - I have twitter - Ud's will be happening and letting you know the score. Add me now - link is on my page under 'other pages'.**_


	7. Chapter 6

**_a/n: ohh I love Jackson - i got hold of a copy of the eclipse script!! happy girl!! lol_**

**_WARNING: OK this is getting even darker in this chapter, I do apologize but it will begin to turn soon. The issues in this chapter is from the characters POV and not mine,_**

**_ Some readers may be sensitive to the topics and i only hope you are not put off by this._ **

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* * *

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**Chapter 6**

**BPOV**

My eyes met the box, then they met Edwards eyes, his expression totally blank as he looked back at me with the box in his hand.

All I wanted to do was to wait until he was better able to deal with the news.

I though about kids since I had heard Rosalie's news but I never expected this to happen, not for me to be already pregnant. It was like some twisted messed up reality.

I wanted children, I did. But I also wanted to plan when I had them and also with Edward agreeing to it.

But that decision had been taken away from both of us.

"Bella?" he called my name and my eyes landed back on the incriminating box.

_Why did I have to hide it in the cabinet? _I could have smacked myself for my stupidity.

I still never spoke, to afraid of my own words and his reaction.

"What's going on?" he asked me and my eyes went straight to him. I couldn't lie, not to Edward, not ever.

"I'm pregnant." I shrugged, shrugged as if it was nothing.

"You're what?" he asked surprised.

I closed my eyes, the pressure of the situation getting to me. I sighed. "Edward, you're a doctor. You know what I'm talking about. I'm having a baby, we're having a baby."

His eyes narrowed and he dropped the box back into the sink before combing his hand through his hair.

"How?" he asked incredulously. _Come on Edward._ I didn't need answerer him.

"You're on the pill." he reminded me, like that thought never entered my head.

"I know, it…I don't know. You know better than anyone how these things work, and that they don't work all the time." I had to have him thinking logically, it was the only way to try and keep his emotions in order.

"Why were you trying to hide this?" he asked accusingly as he stepped forward to me looking me in the eyes.

"I…I was waiting. I just wanted you to be in the best mind set when I told you." I told him truthfully, fearing he thought that I was trying to keep secrets.

"You think I can't handle it just now?" he asked angrily. "You were trying to keep it from me." he pretty much answered his own question.

"I needed to make sure you could handle this, that we could talk about it properly. I wasn't trying to keep it from you, I was just waiting for the right time."

He blinked a few times, taking in my words before he shook his head. "I can't talk about this just now." he mumbled as he headed out the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" I asked in panic as he headed towards the front door and shuffled into his black Nike's.

He shrugged at me. "Just leave me alone Bella." he almost gritted out.

"No, we need to talk about this, you need to stay. Please." I told him as I raced to stand in the front door grabbing hold of his hand.

He pulled away form my touch and reached for his keys, picking them up off of the hook at the front door before glaring me down.

"Let me past." he told firmly. I felt myself begin to shake as he looked down.

"I said let me past, Bella." he let out aggravated and pulling on his hair again.

I reached up for his hand again, trying to get him to slow down and stay.

He knocked my hand swiftly away from him, not letting me touch him, he pushed bye me as I felt the door go into my back.

The door slammed behind him leaving me alone.

I dropped to the floor wanting to know where he had gone, and why he couldn't have stayed with me.

* * *

I finally made it back into the kitchen and finished preparing the food. The pasta had been ruined after it had boiled so long so a fresh batch was put on as I continued to chop.

If Edward would be back he would still need to eat.

It was something for me to do too. Something else for my mind to focus on, to try and distract me from Edwards disappearance. I cut away on the peppers and tears rolled out my eyes as I went.

I didn't have a clue where he had went or what he was thinking but I knew it wasn't good if he just walked away from me.

I felt the tears pour out of my eyes as I continued to chop, my sight blurring. I would be lucky not to cut my own finger.

I finished making diner and placed it in the oven to keep it warm in the hope that Edward would be back and he would eat to keep himself healthy. To try and keep his head where I needed it.

He was better today but the look on his face when he got home from work worried me a little and I knew he wasn't ready to hear the news just yet, so I waited because I thought it was best.

And I really did think it was best at the time.

After the food was in the oven I returned to the bathroom and began to place all the bottles and packages back into the cabinet and out of the sink.

I opened the box that Edward had dropped and pulled out the used test, praying it had been wrong. But it wasn't, I was still pregnant and my boyfriend had still walked away from me after I tried to keep it quiet.

I knew looking down at the test though, that I was going to have a baby and I was going to cherish them. I had always wanted a family when I was younger, one that I built and kept together, unlike how my own mum and dad managed it.

There seemed to be some kind of contentment in me at the knowledge, as if it was just simply meant to be.

I just didn't know if I would be doing it alone now. Maybe I was destined to be just like Renee, a single parent.

Surely Edward wouldn't leave me. I could never have left him if it was the other way around, I could never walk away from the love of my life and my child.

I made it back though to the bedroom where only a couple of hours ago Edward held onto me as if I was going to break, as if I was made of fine glass.

He lay small delicate kisses all over me and I thought I was going to die of anticipation from his touches.

I had been afraid of it being like last time, for any of it to be like any of last time. But as he gently and slowly kissed me my need for him turned to desperation. I needed to be one with him, for us to be as close as physically possible.

His tenderness had made me fall even deeper in love with him if it was at all possible and I could remember the feeling of serenity as I lay next to him knowing he was coming back to me and that I could share our news soon with him.

I had fallen asleep in his arms and I felt I was back home again, that the past few days had just been a blip in the road. We always seemed to just carry along. It was what we had to do, we couldn't dwell on the past, we had to live in the moment and accept it for the good it was when it was with us, and we looked to the future when times were hard knowing that, eventually, we would get through it.

The sky was dark outside and I worried where Edward could be. I didn't want to speak to the others about it, not until I had discussed it with Edward first. It would only add fuel to the flame if I was to do so.

I lay against his pillow, smelling his warm smell and prayed he would come back soon, more tears continued to slip from my eyes as tiredness took over and I fell asleep.

* * *

"Bella…" I heard his gentle tone waking me from my slumber with an equality gentle shake.

"Bella..?" I finally managed to open my eyes as he called my name for the second time and I looked into his jade green pools. He seemed calmer, more centred but I still worried what would come out of his mouth.

The room was in darkness with the exception of a small bedside lamp that was lit. I fought against the brightness to focus on Edward.

_He had come back to me._

"Edward?" I asked, still not quite believing it was him and that he seemed to be as cautious around me.

"I'm sorry, sorry that I…just walked out." he hung his head down in shame at himself. "I shouldn't have done that." he sighed heavily. "It was just a shock."

I nodded understanding, I was still in shock myself and I had a few more hours to digest it than him.

"I just have to ask though, are you sure..?" he treaded carefully, not trying to upset me.

I nodded again, "I've been sick…" I shrugged "and I'm late."

"How late?" he asked

"I don't know, a few weeks." I shrugged.

"A few weeks?" he asked surprised his tone making me jump. "Sorry, just… a few weeks, Bella. Shit. Didn't it click?"

I shook my head. I really hadn't. It was never something I worried about, I never gave it a second thought since I took birth control.

"It's ok, we will get though this." he told me with a small smile and for the first time today I felt some of the pressure dissipate.

He climbed up on the bed beside me and pulled me into him, his free hand reaching for my face, cradling my cheek and pulling me in closer to him.

"We are going to get through this?" I asked because I really needed to hear that we would, that Edward would be able to cope with it.

"We will be fine. Just like we always are." and I relaxed further into him when he seemed so sure.

"I don't want you to worry ok," I nodded silently into his chest, relived. "I'll take care of it all."

I never expected him to take it like this, for him to be so willingly to handle the responsibility. I felt appalled at myself for not having more faith in him.

Here he was, stepping up to the plate, and I had been doubting him.

"There's a doctor I know, she's really nice, she will take care of you, and no one will need to know, ok?"

No one needs to know? Was I supposed to hide my pregnancy?

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"She's friendly, and…discreet, sometimes thing get around the hospital but she will keep it quiet, my father doesn't need to know."

"Need to know what?" I turned t o look at him. What was he talking about, was he worried about it until the first three months?

"You know…the termination." he whispered out as if he was ashamed to even say it. "all you need is a little pill but she will check over you, you know..." his tone still soft.

He wanted me to get rid of my baby? My child, the life that was already growing inside of me.

I jumped up at him, "You want me to have an abortion?" I asked loudly and thoroughly disgusted.

"Wait, what, what did you think I was talking about?" he asked me looking confused as I felt.

"I thought you were talking about us keeping it quiet in the beginning. You want me to kill my baby?" I shouted again, needing clarification.

I pulled up away from him completely and moved to my feet at the side of the bed waiting for an answer.

"We can't have a baby, Bella." he told me as if I should know. "And honestly, you will be ok, don't worry about the procedure."

"Don't worry?" I asked rhetorically, what the hell was he thinking? "Why not, don't you want a baby?" I asked.

"We can't have a baby because…because we never planned on it."

"I know we never planned on it but it's happened." I told him sharply.

He stood up to face me, to take me on. "But it doesn't have to happen, it doesn't need to be like this."

"Are you serious, you are telling me to get rid my baby?"

"Christ Bella, it's not a baby, it's a bundle of cells, like a tumour." he shouted.

I gasped in shock that he could ever refer to baby like that, that that is how he thought of them.

"A tumour?" I asked, seething.

"Yeh, you know, like cancer or something to be cut out." he told me flatly.

"Edward…" I called out his name in complete horror.

"We are not having a baby, Bella. We haven't even discussed it before."

"And who's fault is that? Every time I try to bring it up, you would walk away."

"That's because I'm not having one." he shouted.

I wasn't having him talk like this, he wasn't saying these things to me and getting away with it. "Well guess what? You are now." I shouted back, firmly.

"No, I'm not. If you want me you will have to get rid of it." His brows risen high as if he was so sure of himself, that I would pick him.

My heart shattered into a million pieces. I knew that arguing with _this_ Edward was pointless, he could carry it on for hours and I wasn't going to give into him, I wasn't going to falter.

I couldn't ever think of making Edward choose between me and our child, it wouldn't ever be fair.

I headed straight for the wardrobe and opened it up and reached for my holdall that I used when I went away for meetings.

"What are you doing?" he asked a bit surprised.

"Leaving." I shouted at him as I threw it down on the bed and began to head for my drawers. I was going to stay strong. I could lose control when I left.

"No you're not. You can't." he was angry and his words were aggressive.

"Guess what, Edward? You can't make me stay. You cant make me do _anything_ I don't want to do." I practically spat the word _anything_ at him and I seen him flinch at its meaning.

"So what, your just going to leave and come back for my family's money. Was this some kind of set up? To try and get a ring on your finger, I know that's what you want." he stood with is arms crossed trying to intimidate me. He couldn't, he never had and he never would.

"Don't kid yourself Edward. You know I don't need anything from you, I don't want _anything_ from you. Not anymore." I bundled the clothes into the bag. The rage pulsating through me.

Edward was mad, you could see it all over his face. He had only just started to gain some control over his emotions again when he found out the news and now, with it, he was losing me.

"You can't leave." he shouted as if it meant something. "You fucking promised that you wouldn't."

"We'll that was before you made me choose, I'm not picking between you and my child, you forced me into a decision and your angry because for the first time in my life I'm not putting you first." I screamed at him.

I had always given into him, all the choices of the future we never made because he didn't want to face it.

"It's a bunch of damn cells, Bella and where the hell are you going to go?" he asked.

"I'm not telling you." I told him firmly as I ignored the rest of his words as I zipped up the bag.

I had no idea what I had put in it in my hast but I knew that there would be something in it to last me a couple of days. After that I would come back when Edward was gone. He could call me if and when he decided to ever grow up. If not…I had no idea of the future now.

I felt tears well in my eyes at the thought of leaving him. I didn't want to go. This is where I belonged but right now he was making me choose and he wasn't even being rational about it. He gave me no good reason why I shouldn't have our baby so I had to go. I couldn't live with him, not like this.

I could only hope when I walked out the door it made him see, see that on this one, I wasn't letting him have it his way. I couldn't ever do that to my baby or myself.

I put on my jacket and trainers and placed my holdall on my shoulder. He tried to fight it out my hand, asking me to stay but I knew he wouldn't accept my words or my decisions that way. He needed to see I was willing to fight for this new life, like I had been so willing to fight for him over the years.

"No, Edward. It's too late. I…I never expected you to ask that of me, never…" I sighed hard, the stress of the day reaching it's maximum.

The argument would only spiral out of control if I stayed here.

I headed towards the front door with Edward pulling on me, against my every step. He wouldn't physically stop me, he would only try hard enough for me to know his desperation. He would be worried in case he ever hurt me. The irony was, he already had and it was more painful than any hit he could give out.

He pulled on my arm, pulling me forward to him. _Least I thought he would let me go_.

He wrapped his arms around me tightly and I fought to wriggle out.

"Bella you can't go, not like this?" he told me strongly in my ear, his tone pleading and his breath sending a shiver through me, but this time I didn't know if it was a good or bad shiver.

I looked him squarely in the eye "Are you ready to accept my decision, for me to keep our baby."

He looked down to the floor and let go of me. He retreated so easily it had me worried. Had he gave up just like that? Was he not willing to fight, to keep me? Did the thought of a child disgust him that much.

I gave him one last look before I opened the front door and walked out.

I only hoped one day soon, I could come back.

* * *

My phone rang and rang and rang. It rang the entire journey of my walk with the exception of short pauses when it went on to answer phone.

I didn't need to look to see who it was. I knew it was Edward.

My breath caught in my lungs as I looked up at the small column of buttons. I didn't want to go here, to wake them up, but I had no where else to go right now. I could have went to a hotel but I would have been alone and in this moment I really don't think I could have handled it.

I had left there spare key's in the house knowing Edward would be likely to follow me if he knew where I was headed and it wasn't fair for us to only move our argument around the corner. Edward needed time alone to think and so did I.

I presses the button again and again pleading with the gods for them to hear it.

"Hello." Jasper's sleepy voice called out from the small speaker.

"Jasper, it's Bella. Let me in." I gasped out, my breath still struggling, tears washing my face.

"Yeh, sure Bella." he replied back quickly, his voice sounding shocked. He buzzed me in instantly and I raced up the two flights of stairs to be met with Jasper and there apartment door wide open for me.

I crashed into him, hugging him and he wrapped his arms around me tightly.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry to do this to you." I mumbled into his shoulder making his t-shirt wet with tears.

He held on tight and shushed me, trying to sooth me.

"Bella." I seen Alice come from her bedroom as she pulled on her dressing gown.

"I'm sorry Alice. I had to do it. I had to leave." I felt more tears pour out my eyes as I gripped on tighter to Jasper as she walked up to me warily.

She cut in and held me, pulling me thought to the lounge with her. "What's happened?" she asked as she brushed hair out of my face.

"I had to leave him, he made me choose." I mumbled and I knew I wasn't making any sense to her but it was to me.

"Bella," she spoke to me so sweetly, trying to calm me. "you need to tell me what's happened."

"I'm having a baby," my breath stuttered. "Edward, he told me I had to get rid of it or I didn't get to have him." more tears fell and the reality of the words hit me hard. I had just walked out on my life with Edward and now I was alone.

"He told you what?" she asked, the surprise in her voice.

"He told me I was to get an abortion because we never planned on having a baby."

Alice jumped to her feet. "I'm going to kill him." she screeched. "I cant believe he said that." Neither could I.

"Alice, calm down." Jasper tried to still her.

"No, I'm going round their right now-" She was angry and I felt bad complicating her in this, he was her brother.

"No." I shouted. "he doesn't know I'm here. He will come around if he does."

"Where does he think you went?" Jasper asked, I shrugged in response.

"He will know you are here, just he doesn't have the balls to come around." Alice told me sure of herself.

"I just want to let it be, for tonight." I felt exhausted, I knew I would never sleep but I just wanted to lie down and have some space.

She nodded in response.

"What are you going to do?" she asked as she sat back down beside me.

I sighed, "I don't know, if he doesn't come around to the idea, I suppose were finished."

"But you can't. You're Edward and Bella. You two have worked so hard together." I knew she was feeling sorry for both me and Edward. She really couldn't pick a side because it just wasn't fair to her. I knew she felt I was right but Edward was still Edward.

"It's up to him." I told her simply. It was. The Ball was in his court. "I just don't know how Rose will handle this." I knew this would affect her, that she would be devastated for me to thrust this into her face.

"Rose will live. It will be hard for her but you need to concentrate on you and Edward first." Alice rubbed my back.

"It's just so unfair for this to happen just now. She will hate me."

"No she wont." Alice told me firmly. "She will cope."

"Listen, I'm sorry I came here, just go to bed, I'll crash out in the guest room." It suddenly dawned on me that they both had work in the morning and I was interfering with there sleep.

"No it's fine. Jazz make some tea." she ordered him as he swiftly headed for the kitchen.

"I just can't believe the way he acted. I was waiting to tell him once his mind was better but he found the test then went heading out the door."

"Where is he?" she asked confused.

"Home, he came back, all calm telling me that he was going to take care of everything. I thought he meant us, our family. He meant he knew a good doctor that could keep quiet so that your dad never had to find out." I lay back against the couch, tears still running down my face.

"I can't believe he would be so cold. I knew he avoided the topic with you, but to be like this... I'm honestly ashamed of him." I wouldn't tell her any more of his words. She didn't need to know the details, the horrifying words he came out with.

"Please Alice, don't take sides on this. Don't hate him, it's not his fault." I tried to be rational. Edward would need support too.

"No, this _is _his fault, him not facing up to reality and thinking…thinking that it could all just be flushed away. What was he thinking not even trying to talk about it, asking you, how you felt. It's selfish."

"It's Edward." I shrugged. She nodded silently understanding what I meant. This was him, for him to push for things his own way. I tried over the years to show him he couldn't always have it his own way just because that's how he wanted it but I had failed miserably and he could still be completely egotistical. I gave in too easily on the things that had no real worth, but this, this was priceless and I wasn't giving it up, even if it meant I was the selfish one.

* * *

I tossed and turned around in the strange bed. I had never slept in it before. I had never any need. The only strange bed I had slept in was ones of hotels, of other cities. My home was only around the corner. I thought about it, getting up and walking back home, but now I didn't know if it was my home, or if it ever would be again. I had done the one thing I had promised never to do. I had left Edward.

He would hate me, I knew he would. He pushed me away so many times but never once had I given into him, never him telling me he despised me that he wished I wasn't there, had I ever given up.

This time he never ask me to go, he practically begged me to stay but I, I had walked away from him.

Surely he would never trust me again knowing that I did actually have it in me to get up and leave.

How could he trust me when I had made one of his biggest fears come to life.

This was different from all the times I had left him in the apartment after he begged me to stay, because those times, I had to go away, I had to go to work and I would always return. I promised him as I walked out the door the many times it had happened. He had something to cling on to, this time he had nothing.

I feared for him, what he might do, what he may do to himself. With out my promises would he feel he had nothing left.

He spoke to the others a little but he placed most of it upon me. I didn't mind, I was happy to take his load if it helped him. I knew many of the thing he would never feel comfortable with talking to his family about. I tried to talk him into counselling session on a few occasions but he hated that idea. He had hated them when he was in college and now he was his own man he wasn't going to be told what to do, even if it was in his best interest.

I let my eyes close trying to stop myself from acting out and giving up to rush back to his side.

I couldn't forgive him for the way he spoke about _it_ needing to be removed, as if it was some diseased tissue. But I couldn't forgive myself for walking away.

I needed him just as much as he needed me.

I already felt so lost without him.

I wondered what he would be doing right now.

I had switched off my phone when I got here having enough of its constant ringing as I tried to think.

He needed to be clear when we spoke, he needed to be sure of what he truly wanted and I knew he hadn't though about it, not really. He needed to see that if he wanted his life without his baby then it meant a life without me too.

I heard Jasper shift around the apartment and I knew it was morning and that I hadn't slept a for a second, my brain constantly going around in circles.

_I so badly wanted to see Edward. _

I wanted to see his face, to check he was well enough. I worried that he never ate, that he hadn't touched the food I had cooked for him.

He most likely never.

If he was going to act out to me walking away then it would have been the easiest move for him in his protest.

I rubbed hard at my face, giving in.

_I had to see him._

I had to check that he had at least eaten because I knew that he would never have slept.

I pulled on my discarded jeans and reached for my trainers.

I knew there would be fireworks. That he would only argue. But maybe now, maybe he had enough time to see things from my side.

I walked into the hall coming face to face with Alice.

"You're up." she smiled softly. She looked at me and she could tell I hadn't slept. She sighed. "You should try to sleep you know…"

"I'm going to see Edward. Check that he ate."

"No Bella. He's a grown up. He can take care of himself." I knew that in theory she was right but in practice, it wasn't quite as easy as that.

"Maybe if we try to sort though this I can sleep then." I shrugged, hoping that she would understand that sleep may come to me easier once I knew how Edward was, how he handled the night.

She nodded. "Call me if you need anything, anything at all, ok." she told me, her expression serious.

I nodded and grabbed my jacket before I gave a tight smile and walked out the front door.

I walked speedily back to the apartment clutching onto my keys.

I almost knocked a passer by off their feet as I turned the corner and only giving a quick mumbled sorry, never actually stopping.

Letting myself into the building I ran up the stairs praying not to come face to face with Emmett or Rosalie. This was the only problem with living in the same building as family. You couldn't avoid them.

I was lucky though and I never seen them. I turned the key in the door opening it and closing it behind me, quietly.

"Edward." I called out for him, there seemed to be noise in the apartment.

I scolded myself and closed my mouth in case he was asleep and I was going to disturb him.

I headed straight for the bedroom finding nothing there.

Was he even in the apartment?

I headed for the lounge next and found him lying out on the floor next to the couch on his front.

I quickly jumped to him, praying he was ok.

I turned him over to find he had been sick on the floor, his face practically lying in it. My stomach knotted as I called for him, trying to wake him up.

I shook at his shoulders franticly, his breathing shallow.

Panic rising in me.

_Why did I ever leave him?_

_Why?_

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my mobile, calling for an ambulance.

"Edward, wake up." I sobbed.

It was then I saw it, the half drunk bottle of vodka by the side of the couch.

_What the hell have you done, Edward?_

* * *

**_A/n: I know some topics in this may be hard for some readers to digest. If you ever feel like you can't cope and need to talk please seek some help. _**

**_Help lines are set up for you to discuss your feeling of depression, despair and even suicidal thoughts. This is a subject held dear to me. _**

**_If you feel you ever need to talk about these matters, please talk to someone - you can call the Samaritans if you live in the UK & Ireland or Hopeline if you are in the US _**

**_for other countries please call your operator for info._**

**_Please review._**


	8. Chapter 7

**_a/n: okay, i never thought i would have this one out as fast as i did! but here it is. I would jsut love to thank all of you who left me great reviews - like i said, it's is delicte topics and you havent been put off by it._**

**_i do warn again though there is more discussion if them in this chapter._**

* * *

**Chapter 7**

**EPOV**

Hearing the stable _beep_ in the background I knew instantly where I was. I was in the hospital. The faint constant _beep, beep, beep _that followed me around daily was ringing in my left ear.

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

Most of the time I never even noticed it, I only ever noticed the warning alarms these machines gave out, the heart monitors. But hearing the constant _beep, beep, beep _in time with my own heart it was suddenly piercing my brain.

_Beep _

_Beep_

_Beep_

I felt like shit. My muscles ached in my stomach, my throat burned and my gut felt raw. Not forgetting the boiling temperature that felt like my skin had been cooked.

It was my fault I was here. I knew what I had done. It was stupid and reckless but in a time of darkness, I couldn't see that. I only knew it was a way to numb the pain.

I felt a twitch against my arm and instantly I opened my eyes to try and recognise what had caused it.

_Bella_

She was perched on the edge of the bed, laying out along side me and she was asleep. I couldn't smell her warm lavender due to the prongs sitting at my nose blasting oxygen through my body.

How could I have not sensed her here with me before?

She shuffled again, getting closer to me, her long brown hair sprawling across my gown covered shoulder.

She was deep in sleep.

Probably exhausted after our night apart. She never slept well when we were apart, just like me, but after last nights argument and her walking out, I knew she hadn't slept at all.

And now she was right back where she belonged, and that was beside me.

I internally groaned at myself. My realization of what this was. Why I was here.

I had drank that vodka and I had induced another attack.

I though hard. Brief flashes of falling off the couch in agony. Fitting. Vomiting.

Who had been the one to find me?

I would hate myself if it was Bella, if it was her that had to call an ambulance on me again, if she had to see me like that again.

My body was drained. There wasn't an ounce of energy left in me right now and I knew it would take a while before I felt normal again, so I gave up, doing what was necessary - and next to what I needed, I let my eye lids close, shutting out my short day and thankful Bella was next to me again.

* * *

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

_God, I hated that sound._

I could feel cold fingers dance along my skin, on my wrists, checking my pulse.

A few buttons were pressed on the machine next to me and the constant beep ended.

I sighed out in relief that the sound was cut out but I never meant for anyone to hear me.

"I thought you were awake, son." I heard my father call me out.

I nodded my head knowing I had to face them all at some point.

I opened my eyes to find Bella was gone.

"Where's Bella?" I asked demanding to know.

"Home." He told me simply as he scribbled on my chart.

"How…why…She should be here." I stammered out. "She _was_ here."

"Well now she's not." he snipped, my head looking up at him in surprise. "And form what I hear, she left you." he told me as he reset the pacing on my IV line.

I sighed again "We had an argument…" what did he know about it?

"Sounds to me like it's over." his words were cutting, he seemed cold, off with me.

He stopped doing what he was doing and crossed his arms and looked down at me.

I felt like I was five again and got busted trying to feed my goldfish golden grahams again.

"We just need to sort things out. She will come around." I said with certainty.

"By coming around…you mean for her to terminate her pregnancy?" he rose an eyebrow at me.

I frowned, she had told him. "She told you…she…she had no right."

"Alice told me. And you were the one with no right. How could you make her choose like that? It's Bella. The only person that seems to be able to tolerate you constantly. The girl that you're supposed to love, though I severely doubt you do if this is what you ask of her."

"I ask of her? What about me?" how could he only see her side, why not mine. "What about what I want?" I asked, my voice raised.

"What do you want? Apart from trying to kill yourself." He stood strong on his feet waiting.

"I don't want a baby, that's what I don't want. And for the record I wasn't trying to kill myself, ok." I glared at him, accusing me.

"Well that's not what It looks like."

"Well I fucking wasn't. Like it's any of your damn business anyway."

He hunched down at me, the look on his face scaring me. "I'm your father, of course it's my business. Who the hell think saved your arse after you tanked down half a bottle of vodka? Christ, it's amazing Bella never left you sooner you inconsiderate prick."

I sat there gob smacked buy his rant and the fact he called me a prick.

"You're residency is hanging by a very thin thread after this little stunt. You're getting evaluated and if there is so much as a slight worry about your mental health, you are out."

"You're calling psychiatric out on me? I never tried to kill myself. I…I just wanted to kill the feeling for a little bit, you know, numb the pain?" I never tired to kill myself.

"We'll you're a doctor, you have knowledge of what would happen on a personal and a professional level and knowing what you do and still doing it is a big concern and worry that you are even capable of looking after yourself, never mind patients."

"I only wanted a little time away form it…"

"Well you got that, you were comatose for twenty god damn hours. Do you have any idea what you have done to you're mother, to Bella, to any of your family. They have spent the entire night by your side."

I never thought that when I did what I did, that this would be the out come, even though I should have known. I couldn't blame him for how he was speaking to me.

"Bella, for god sake, she found you face down in a puddle of your own sick. She had to call an ambulance for you. She thought you were going to die. She was blaming herself." This day had got worse at the knowledge of Bella being the one to find me.

"She shouldn't have left me. She promised me she wouldn't leave." I shouted at him, my raw throat, struggling.

"You are so wrong Edward, so wrong. She has left you and don't think for a second anyone is going to encourage her to go back to you, not when you are like this. Nine years, Edward, that's how long she has been by your side. You have no idea how she feels about her pregnancy, all you care about is how you feel-"

"That's not true. I do care." I argued back.

"Ok then, tell me, is she scared, is she happy? Did you ever stop for one second and ask her how she was feeling, to ask her what her thoughts were before you demanded she get rid of it."

"I never demanded anything." I protested.

"Yes you did. You told her that it was either the baby or you, you backed her so tight into a corner that she went running and jumping away from you."

I closed my eyes. He was right. I had made her pick. _She had to choose._

"I don't want a baby." I told him pointedly.

"And did you ever think she didn't want a termination?" his words were cooler, calmer. I hadn't thought about that. "You know better than anyone else about emotional torment. Yet, hear you are, telling her to pick. If she did that for you rather than herself, what do you think would happen to her? What do you think would happen inside her mind? She would have to carry that about with her for the rest of her days and eventually, because it would happen, she would begin to hate you, she would hate you for making her choose, and at the end of it she would have no one, not you and not a child."

I felt myself recede into the mattress of the bed, wanting away from his words, his cold stony glair.

I knew he was right, it wasn't fair to ask that of Bella but I couldn't help but think about how I felt. It was the only resounding though in my head - I didn't want a child.

"But I don't want a baby." the words whispered out of me, fearing my father for the first time in years.

He stood up straight, pinching the bridge of his nose. I was adopted but often found myself in the same pose, trying to gain composure.

His patience was wearing thin with me and I knew I was about to run out of rope, either that or I was about to hang myself out to dry with it.

He sighed, looking past me, out the window to the early Seattle morning.

"You know Edward, I knew you were selfish. I never could really blame you for it though, it's apart of you just as much as your right arm is… But I though Bella was more to you, I thought she was your heart."

His eyes glanced down at me. I didn't know what to say, if I was to even try and argue. _Bella was my heart_, she had all of me, everything, even my right arm.

"If she really does mean as much to you as you say she does, you would stand by her." he rose his eyebrows "Do what was right…" his brows falling back down. "If she truly did, you wouldn't be this selfish. I thought you had grown up, became a man…Turns out your still a little lost boy with a lot of growing to do."

With that he turned on his heals and walked out the door, leaving me very much alone with my own thoughts.

* * *

My room door burst open with Rosalie standing in the door way. She looked pissed beyond belief and I could already feel her fury at what I had asked of Bella.

"You are a selfish prick, you know that?" she shouted at me as she quickly walked up to the side of my bed.

"So I've been told." I mumbled back. Not to sure of my words and what response I would get from her.

"Rosie..." Emmett, trailed in behind her, calling on her. Like he could stop her if he tried.

I knew I would have to face Rosalie. It was inevitable, even without her own news added into the mix, this would have been her response.

"I can not believe you would ask this of her, to ask her to give up her child. Did you not see me last week? Do you not remember the pain I was in?"

I didn't know if I should answer her or not. I wanted the world to open up and swallow me whole.

No one else had been into see me. My guess was my father was making me suffer, sweat out my thoughts, my choices. My room had became my prison cell.

I hadn't even seen my mother and the only time I had saw Bella was when she slept beside me.

"Rose…" I started, but I didn't even know where to begin. Both our reasoning's were at different ends of the spectrum. We would never agree.

"Don't even start to try to explain. I want you to think Edward. Think of what you are asking her to give up."

I turned my head hoping I could ignore her. Hoping she would just disappear. I didn't want to hear her words because I knew she would be able to scratch the surface.

Bella would eventually tear into me, exposing the flesh. I knew from the out set that it would happen. But I was trying my damndest for her not to get to it, for her not to get below the surface.

But Rosalie, she was different. She would have no real effect on my thoughts, but she would scratch and claw and she would leave me, my thoughts slowly seeping into reality.

She was beautiful and her soul was too but she had learned young that sometimes you have to fight hard to get through this life. I always saw it as the reasoning behind our bond, I had been there for her and she learned that all I tried in life was to fight my way though it.

Rose was always there to stand for the weak, to be the strong for the frail, for those who seemed like there light was extinguishing. With Rose on your side, the others were screwed. She fought for what she believed in and she fought with her heart.

She pulled my chin, snapping my head back to her face.

"You are asking her to kill a part of herself. Is that what you want, for a part of Bella to die? This baby is part of her and part of you, you might not like yourself too much but I know you love her. You make her do this and she will go with them and you wont be able to bring her back. The Bella you love wont be whole, she will be absolutely fucking broken."

"Rosie…" Emmett tried to stop her.

"Emmett." she snapped, warning him to let her have her say. "Let her have the baby, grow up and be a man." She told me.

She sighed hard.

"You need to let her have this. It's what she wants-"

"Or is it what you want?"

Her eyes bulged at the question.

"You know I want a child, but just because I can't, doesn't mean Bella can't either."

"I was trying to save you from hearing any of this, to save-"

"Don't you dare use me as an excuse. Don't tell me that this was for my benefit. Don't lie to me Edward."

It wasn't a compete lie, I thought if it was kept between Bella and I, it would save Rose the heartache from knowing, from knowing what we gave up, the one thing she wanted.

"Edward, looking at you right now I'm disgusted with the person you are. You weren't this man last week, he was a better man, a stronger man. Because you didn't get something your own way you decided to pull this and left Bella thinking you wish you were dead."

"I don't want to be dead. I didn't try to kill myself. For Christ sake, I had a drink."

She crossed her arms and the look she gave me could make grown men run and hide.

She shook her head, tired of trying to get her point though. "Whatever…" she walked slowly to the door walking out and leaving it open.

Emmett stood at the foot of the bed with his hands deep in his pockets.

Her never spoke but the look in his eyes told me everything.

_No one was forgiving me._

* * *

I just wanted Bella back beside me.

_She was all I wanted too see._

My dad had returned to me several times, checking me over and every time all I would ask for was Bella.

In front of me was a plate of food but in a childish demand, I said I wasn't eating until I saw her.

I wasn't going to give up.

He warned me it wasn't helping my case too much on the psychiatric front but they had already passed through before that, telling him I was of sound mind, even if I wasn't acting it.

My job was so far safe, but my relationship - I had no idea where it stood and that was all I cared about, all I cared about was Bella.

There was a light rasp on the door before it slowly creaked open.

Bella's head peaking around the corner of the door, her face nervous as I tried to shift up on my bed.

I smiled wearily at her.

I was scared

_I was scared to death_

Death could have consumed me last night and I would have went, even though it was never my plan, but with Bella standing right in front of me, I felt my self overloaded with guilt at what effect it would have had on her.

She silently nodded to me, greeting me.

I patted the spot next to me inviting her over.

She was chewing on her lip and it was red raw. Stress and anxiety that I suffered, I had placed onto her and I felt truly shit for it.

She stopped at the foot of the bed and I tapped the same spot again but she shook her head and looked down at the floor silently.

_She wasn't coming to me._

"I wont bite." I tried to smile, show her I was sorry for her having to find me like she had.

She shrugged, never speaking.

"Bella…" I sighed.

"What do you want?" she asked sharply.

"I wanted to see you. I never got to speak to you when you were asleep."

"You saw that?" She asked, taken aback a little, her cheeks reddening a little.

"Yes. It was nice to wake up with you beside me. I missed you." I told her honestly.

"Like you even cared after you were unconscious." she hissed.

"Of course I cared. That's why I did what I did."

"To get back at me for leaving?" she asked.

"No, Christ. I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was trying to kill my own pain."

"You could have killed yourself-"

"I know that." I jumped in. "But that was never my intention. I wouldn't leave you like that."

"No, you can't leave me, because I have already left you." she looked me square in the eye and it scared the hell out of me, it was as if she believed it was true, that she wasn't coming back to me.

"Bella, your not seriously leaving me, you can't." I had always believed that she couldn't but last night she stood up to me and walked out the door.

"Edward we're done, there-"

"No!" I shouted. "You can't, I need you. Please, Bella, think about it." I would have crawled along broken glass if it would make her stay.

"I'm having this baby." she told me. She was so sure.

"Isabella." I snapped. "Don't do this to me."

"What, what am I doing to you? I haven't asked a damn thing of you Edward, nothing." she sighed har, regaining her composure, "Don't you want a little version of yourself. Someone just like you?" She pulled forward picking up my hand, desperation ringing out.

"Look where I am. Look at why I'm here. Do you really think I want this to happen to anyone else, for my baby to have to go through this. I had a drink of vodka and I'm going to be on leave for the next two weeks. I don't want another person to ever feel how I'm feeling right now, how I have ever felt."

Her eyes lit up at my words, and I knew I had broke. She knew my reasoning. What she had wanted from me last night.

"Edward the chances of you passing it on are almost non existent-"

"But there is still a chance." I argued back.

"About as likely as Alice or Emmett passing it on." she quirked an eyebrow at me. She knew every detail of this condition, the chances of passing it along.

"Yes, that's their risk to take. The can play stupid if they want and pretend that there not passing it along, but Bella I live with it. I know what I'm risking. You can't ask me to do this. Don't make me create a child who will hate me. I want to wipe this out. Emmett wont be having any kid's of his own-"

"But Alice will. Alice will have children and it will still be passed down, but it might not effect any one else."

"I'm not risking it."

"You don't get a say in the matter. The only say you get now is if you want to be part of there life."

"What if it was the other way around?" I ask her "What if you didn't want it but I still forced you. That wouldn't be fair." I bargained.

"But you're not carrying the life inside you. It's not growing inside you."

"That is screwed up and you know it." it really was. If she struggled with the thought of having the baby and didn't want to have it, and I did, I would never force her hand like she was doing to me.

She took my hand, placing it upon her stomach. "You can't feel it, neither can I, but it's right in there." she smiled softly at me.

It wasn't anywhere near where she had my hand.

I snorted ,"It show's you how much you know. It wont be near there for weeks yet."

Her face looked tired, she looked done in.

"Show me then. I don't know anything about it or what I'm doing." She had no idea the double meaning to her words as she said them.

She pulled her t-shirt up and looked down, waiting for me to show her. Her stomach, flat.

"Show me where the baby is." her eyes were so heavy and it was all my fault.

Truth was it wasn't even a baby, it wasn't even a foetus, it was a tiny embryo. What I called it last night: a bunch of cells, wasn't far wrong. It's brain and heart was developing, even it's legs and arms too, just ever so slightly, and it wouldn't even be a centimetre in size if she was as far along as I thought she was.

I took her hand gently and slid it further down, resting mine over hers. It seemed strangely intimate and I felt at odds with myself, enjoying it and hating it at the same time. It wasn't sexual, it was close and it was bonding and the urge to relish it, take it for what it was and let go of my apprehension of what could be was overwhelming. What probably never would happen, still could and I hated that I had that notion in my head. That not only was I ruining it for myself, I was ruining it for Bella as well.

I pulled her hand away from her stomach and brought it up to my mouth, kissing it tenderly, like how I kissed her yesterday when we were in bed together.

"Bella, I love you." I told her with the honesty making my voice falter. She knew what I was asking her, for her not to walk away from me, for her not to leave me.

"Are you still making me choose?" she whispered out, tears beginning to fall on to her cheeks.

I reached up, wiping the apple of her cheek, spreading the moisture across it, the dim light almost bouncing off it's reflection.

I nodded to her, answering her. It was either me or the baby.

She nodded softly, understanding, before she reached down and kissed me on the lips.

I felt a strange feeling of euphoria before I realized what it meant and then the dread blanketed me.

_It was a goodbye kiss._

She stood up straight and wiped at her eyes.

She slowly turned and walked towards the door.

She turned to me as she rested her door on the handle. "You know…I could love you both, whatever we have created, I'll love them dearly because there is a little bit of you in them. But if that's all I get of you, I'll take it."

She opened the door as silently slipped out of it and out of my life.

* * *

It was Thursday and my father had kicked me out the hospital. There was no concern of my health now except the concerns that would always be there. My general state and now Bella had left me.

I hadn't seen her since she walked out my room door yesterday and I had a feeling I wouldn't be seeing her for a while yet.

I knew I had to let her be just now. I couldn't harass her, as much as I wanted to.

If she was to get rid of the baby, I wanted it to be done before it would involve anything invasive. It was still a simple procedure but it was damage limitations, the sooner the better.

She had been back to the apartment to collect some clothes yesterday, I had been informed.

Walking in, the apartment was still relatively clean. The sick I had been reminded about was washed away and I wondered who had done that.

Walking into the kitchen the Vodka bottle lay in the middle of the table - empty - as a silent reminder of what not to do.

In the bathroom everything seemed in place. When I opened the cabinet the test that she had hid was gone. I internally sighed in relief at not having to face that.

Closing the cabinet door though I noticed her toothbrush was gone.

It was green, because she said it was like my eyes. I remembered the day in the shop years ago, she needed a new one and she picked a green one and that was her reasoning. Every one she bought since then was green. I had laughed at her and began to look out a brown one but there wasn't one, instead I settled on a crappy maroon colour because it was as close as I could get to the colour of her eyes. I always bought the crappy maroon coloured one too now.

The one that was in my wash bag that I had at the hospital with me. It would be all alone now.

I hoped that when she brushed her teeth she though about me, that it would be enough to convince her to come back to me.

It was an awful lot of faith to have in a two dollar bit plastic, but it was all I had.

I walked into the bedroom wanting to be closer to Bella. It was our bed, where we had made love so many times. Most likely where we had created our baby.

I smiled a little to myself at the fact that it might not have been where we had created them, that it could have been another couple of options. Our out of control passion overtaking sensibility when we had been out and around Seattle.

Walking in, I placed down my bag before I sat on the edge of the bed with Alice following behind me like me damn shadow.

Bella's laptop bag was missing.

It wasn't in its usual place, at the side of my bedside table. It was always on my side, messing it up even more.

"Did Bella take her laptop with her?" I asked Alice as I looked at where it should have sat.

"Yeh, she had it with her when she was at the airport this morning." Alice shrugged in my peripheral view.

"Airport?" I asked surprised.

"Yeh, that meeting with her writer." Alice reminded me. I forgot that just because my world had stopped that the rest of it hadn't. I was just shocked that Bella would have went though.

"Could she not have rescheduled?" I was annoyed. She was getting on with her life and all I wanted was for here to be here and for us to go over it all again and again. Until I could convince her I was right.

"You know she has struggled to get hold of him, I couldn't see her doing that." I knew she was right. Bella worked hard and this idiot had her jumping through hoops. She needed to get him to do what was needed and she wouldn't have let her personal life spill into her professional one.

I had some how managed the same task but with what had happened, the severity of it, I was a little dumbfounded at her actions.

"But she should be here, we need to sort this out." I told her but I was telling myself more.

"No Edward, you want her hear so you can try and talk her into it getting rid of her baby. She is getting on with her life and trying her best to prepare for her baby's arrival. She doesn't want to keep having to chase him when she should be changing nappies, cos evidently, she will be doing that alone."

That was a dig at me but I did my best to ignore it. My mind was focusing on her words about her planning for there arrival. She was trying to tie things up with this writer so she didn't have to chase him around the country. She was thinking that far ahead.

"She should be fucking here. I can't believe she just went away to work." I was furious, it just seemed so callous.

"Well babies cost and you know what she is like with money, she won't take anything from us." I looked up at her and she shrugged so nonchalantly at her own words.

I knew it was the truth, that Bella wouldn't accept a dime from them.

She was already uncomfortable with the car that I had bought her. We had money, I seen nothing wrong with buying her something she needed.

I though about her, with that arsehole in some hotel, very far away from me.

I wanted her here. I wanted to be next to her. I didn't care if she was working.

I knew she would never go near the guy, but the fact that she would rather be with him than me right now… I hated it.

I hated it so damn much.

When did she leave?" I asked, Alice.

"Her check in was at six." she shrugged.

She would already be there by now. No doubt discussing his bundle of shit.

She should be writing her own book because she would have done a better job than him with her eyes closed.

I pulled my phone out my pocket, looking at it. I wanted her to call me, for her to tell me she needed me.

I wanted to call her but she would only avoid my calls.

I wanted to see her. I had to see her.

Standing up I reached for my bag I had just brought in with me and began to throw out all the dirty washing.

"What are you doing?" Alice asked a little impatiently.

Opening the closet I pulled at clean clothes. I was certain of what I was doing, of what I wanted.

"I'm going to go get her back."

_And I was going to fight dirty until I got it._

* * *

**_a/n: Me again, please review and let me know what you thought - help me get over 200 reviews, please!_**

**_I will try to UD ASAP but i havent slept all night so sunday at the very very earliest. It was like -20 here last night - crazy!! _**

**_so I'm staying in bed all day and waiting patiently to hear what you think._**

**_peace xx_**


	9. Chapter 8

_**a/n: Just to let ALL readers that this is a sequel! There is a story before this that will help it make more sense. Please read that first. Many don't realize this.**_

_**Also - Thank you so much for all the excellent reviews - you made a huge, new record - please keep it up! It pushed me on to get this done a LOT quicker.**_

**_Over 6000 words, this chapter!_**

* * *

**Chapter 8**

**BPOV**

I was exhausted and I was yet to have any real sleep in almost a week.

I looked down at the plate in front of me, the ham making me feel nauseas. My stomach churned and I swallowed down trying to put the feeling and the sensation that the meat gave me, out of my head.

"I don't get this. Why does this need to be changed? I makes perfect sense too me." Stephen, the writer, moaned across from me, his sharp tone piercing my mind.

"You need to clear up the detail a little, I had put it together in my head, what you were meaning but it needs to be clearer for the readers." I tried to tell him. His book needed a lot of work and I was amazed that he ever got published if there had been as many holes in that book as there was in this one.

The churning continued. I held my nose subtly, trying to block the smell of the piece of steak that he waved in front of me, I also tried to avoid looking at the meat he chewed on, his mouth talking and clearly showing his food.

I felt hot at trying to hold it in.

_Stuffy_

_Stifling_

"I'll be right back." I told him as I stood up and quickly headed towards the bathroom.

Reaching into the first cubical I empted my stomach, throwing up all of my diner in the process. I let myself fall to the floor as I retched a second time, my stomach clenching with every cell on alert.

I leaned back, catching my breath, letting my lids fall.

I was so tired and I honestly didn't think it was anything to do with being pregnant, it had been the whole catastrophe of a week.

My body began to relax and as soon as I noticed my body slip, I shook myself awake, spitting one final time in the bowl before flushing the toilet and walking out and washing my hands and rinsing my mouth.

I splashed my face with some cool water, rubbing my damp hands along the back of my neck.

I looked terrible. Why had I even flown out to meet with this guy? He was rude, had no manners and just generally not a pleasant man to be around.

I took a deep breath before heading back out to the table.

It was painful, the feeling of needing to eat something battling with the need to be sick. I was hungry but any though of my diner made me want to gag.

I skipped out on dessert telling Stephen what needed to be done and that he could call or email me. I had the next chapter to start on and I prayed the monotony of it would send me to sleep tonight.

"I just need for you to tell me what room she's in. She always use's your hotels." A voice was loud and I recognised it instantly…Edward wouldn't be as stupid enough to follow me when I had work?

I saw him, his back to me, his fingers holding on tight to the bronze mass of hair.

His feet, almost dancing on the spot in his black Nike's.

"I know she's here," he grunted. Of course, it was just so Edward to come looking for me when we had split up.

I really never thought he would be as selfish as he was. I expected it…Just not at this level.

I expected him dragging his heels at the prospects of scans if he was in a mood but for him to ask me to terminate, to get rid of our baby…

There was no middle ground between us, there was no Switzerland here. It was enemy line and not one of us was willing to cross over onto the other.

I had cried all night, the entire night before and the night before that too. And every single tear, Edward had caused.

Walking out of the apartment on Monday night was hard, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was agonising. But having to walk away form him at the hospital like I did, my heart was shattered.

I still held out for hope on Monday, yesterday, hope didn't exist to me anymore, least not where Edward was concerned.

I just had no idea why he was now standing in the foyer of my hotel.

"Can I at least leave a note?" he sighed angrily, the security guard edging closer to the reception desk.

He was going to make a sceptical of himself and me.

I walked in to the main reception. It was practically empty, only a few others passing though on there way to the bar or the restaurant.

I looked down to the floor and wished I could sneak past him but I had a feeling he would have ended up in a jail cell or something if I didn't at least send him packing.

"Edward, what are you doing here?" I sighed. I wasn't in the mood for this. I was dressed for a meeting and all I longed for was to change into my jogging bottoms and t-shirt.

He quickly turned around, his eyes wide and sad, but they still shone with a little happiness at the sight of me. He pulled me into him and I pushed him off of me instantly.

I didn't want him near me. This was painful enough without having him touch me too. It would only make me weak and I would end up more hurt than I already was.

"Can't I even touch you now?" he asked exasperated by my action.

"No, you can't." I told him simply and sharply. "You need to go, you shouldn't have come. I'm working."

"I'm not going anywhere." he told me firmly and loudly, the heads of the receptionist and security guards snapping towards us.

"Will you keep your voice down. Go. I don't want you hear." I did want him here, I wanted him to wrap his arms around me again and I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to look into his green eyes and see that he was still really in there.

"There a problem Miss?" the security guard asked politely.

"She's fine." Edward grunted out with an eye roll.

"All the same Sir, it was the lady who I was asking." the guard called again.

Edwards hands fisted, his eyes closed tight. He wasn't going to get himself into a fight. I wouldn't let it happen.

"I'm fine." I smiled politely at him and his concern. I reached forward and pulled on Edwards coat. "Start anything and the only thing that will be taking you out of here with flashing light will be an ambulance." I warned him as I dragged him in the direction of the lifts.

I wasn't too surprised to see all he had on him was his holdall form the hospital. I would have put money on it being filled with dirty clothes from the hospital if he realized I had left when he was still in there.

I dropped his arm and he silently walked into the empty lift behind me.

He tried to speak but I quickly shut him off.

"Just don't Edward, ok. Just don't…" I was seething that he honestly though he could just come after me, when I was with a client.

Reaching my floor I walked out and he quietly trailed behind me. Opening the door I walked in and threw my bag off onto the floor somewhere, not caring where it went.

Almost instantly I felt his hands on my waist as he pulled me back into him, his warm breath against my ear. Just as quickly he had pressed me up against the wall and kissed my lips.

He tried to deepen the kiss but I ducked down from below him and pushed him away at the same time.

"No." I told him as if he was some disobedient dog and pointed at him

He reached out for me again and he caught my wrist, swiftly pulling me up against him, his hold on me becoming iron clad.

I wriggled in his arms. "You look so beautiful." he told me, referring to the pencil skit and heel's I wore.

Edward would always think I looked good, even in my joggers, so I didn't acknowledge the cliché of how he would no doubt think I was dressed up.

It wasn't for his benefit.

"You can go back down and book your own room." I told him flatly as I took a seat on the edge of the bed.

He rubbed at his face before he walked over to me, sitting next to me.

I never felt so nervous in all my life. I wanted to reach out and kiss him, continue what he had started.

I shook me head clear.

"What do you want Edward?" I asked, wanting to know exactly his reasoning for being here.

"I want you, I can't live without you." the sincerity in his voice gripped at my hear like how his arms had gripped around me.

I nodded, I understood him perfectly, but it wasn't me who was trying to force decisions onto other people, on to Edward.

"I can't live without you too, but I'm going to have to learn." I wanted to cry. I was feeling the anguish that I felt in the hospital all over again. "I just find it hard to accept that you know I'm keeping he baby but you won't accept it. All it means is that I'll be raising them alone instead of with you."

"Because, if I don't give up, there is hope that you _will_." he rushed out.

I shook my head firmly. "Not going to happen, Edward."

"Bella, I need you in my life. We were always meant for forever, for eternity. There will be no one else for me."

He seemed calm and collected and it worried me. This wasn't Edward under a black depressive cloud. This was Edward, _my_ Edward and he still didn't want our child.

He reached forwards pulling at my lip form out between my teeth. "Those lips are meant for kissing, not biting." he smiled softly at me.

"We'll I'll have a new little baby to kiss soon enough." I told him with a faux cheer in my voice.

I wasn't looking at him but from the corner of my eye I saw him flinch, a flash of pain across his features.

"Edward, were not talking about this. You're not even willing to see my point of view or talk about your's, so…" I finished off into the air.

He turned to look at me. "I'll tell you, I'll tell you every thought in my head that tells me that it wouldn't be fair to have this baby, that it would be selfish. What do you want to know about first, my skin feeling like it was on fire with the sun, my skin blistering even when it was overcast and in March?

"Or would you rather know what it feels like when my body closes down and my brain lets out what it want's and I have to sit there, stuck inside watching it. What about the pain, throwing up weekly? Some times daily. Or what about those really dark days, the one's so dark I don't even tell you about. The day's that I stand by the water, thinking that it would just be so much more peaceful, so much easier on me if I wasn't here, that I didn't have to suffer anymore."

I sat there astonished at his revelation. Was this how he had felt. Did he want to do that to himself?

He leaned forward wiping at my cheek. "So when you think you understand how I feel about my life, multiply it by a hundred and you get close to the bad days. The really bad days."

I had stopped breathing, air stuttering out of my chest as I sobbed and gasped for air.

He pulled me into him, close and tight and I never wanted him to ever let go of me. I never wanted him to feel like that ever again.

I sobbed out hard, my face in his chest and he tried to sooth me. He placed small kisses on the top of my head and it only made my heart ache more.

* * *

An hour had passed and I still struggled with my thoughts.

Edward had pulled me up on to the bed, both of us stretched out, my head resting on his chest.

I tried to speak, to string a sentence together. "Edward…when…when you feel like that, what stops you from doing it?"

"You." he told me simply, his warm word blowing past my ear. "You keep me alive and I know that we will get through it, that you will get me through it."

I held on tighter to him, understanding his reasoning about the baby a little more.

"I'm not asking this of you, for me, I'm asking you not to put someone else through it."

I sat up and looked at him. "But look at you, you're still here. Your still with me. Just like how they will be, _if it even effects them_."

He shook his head. "Bella, do it now, while it will be easier on you. Please. It's not even a baby. It really _is _only a bundle of cells just now."

Sitting up he got off the bed and headed for the little desk in the room. He picked up a piece of paper and a pen before walking back to the bed and sitting on the edge.

He drew a small circle, smaller than the size of a pain killer. "This is all it is." he told me showing the little circle.

I took the pen and paper from him, filling in the circle. I drew two dots for eyes and a little smile with some pretend wisps of hair. If he thought he could prove his point with this he was well wrong.

"This is our baby." I told him with conviction.

He looked at the drawing and gave a small dry laugh before he balled up the paper and let it fall to the floor.

"You're never going to give it up are you?" he asked as he looked down at the floor.

I shook my head strongly, never would I give up my baby.

He leaned into me, cupping my cheek and pulled me into him, kissing my lips gently.

"I love you Bella. I'm not giving up. We we're meant to be together for life."

I couldn't help think that he had doubted us in the past, that he had doubted me. He never proved it.

He leaned in to me, closer, connecting our lips once again. Our kiss deepening. I couldn't help but have it. That maybe I could just have him one more time, that it would make life easier. Though, I knew I was very much mistaken.

I felt myself go backwards, my back connecting with the bed, gently.

I felt Edwards hand smoothly slide down my side, pulling my waist in closer to his.

I didn't want this to end. I wanted to have this everyday. To feel good, like only he could make me feel.

His hand reached the hem of my skirt and I knew if I didn't stop it right now that there was a chance I would concede with him.

I pulled away, snapping us both back to the stark reality. "Stop, we can't." I gasped but I still wanted his lips on me.

"We can…" he told me as he tried to kiss me again.

I pulled away from him, out from under him. "Please Edward, don't make this any harder than it already is."

I stood up and began pacing the floor. I felt so stressed and I felt dizzy from lack of food in my stomach.

He swiftly stood before me, looking down at me. His thumb stroked my cheek and I felt my knees weaken at the loss behind his eyes.

There was no sparkle in his eyes.

He wrapped his arms round me tight, cradling the back of my head.

"We're meant to be together, forever. Do this for me and I'll promise you forever."

He slouched down onto his knees, holding my waist tight.

He let go of me and I looked down to him as he messed around in his jean pocket's.

Looking up to me he held a box in his hand. A diamond ring inside it.

"Do this one thing I'm asking and I will promise you forever, that nothing else will separate us ever again."

Gob smacked, I took the box from his hand and I pulled away from him, walking to the light.

An engagement ring. "You…You want to marry me? I asked not quite believing.

He nodded as he stood up. I glanced across at him and he looked nervous.

"You want us to get married?" I asked still in total shock.

"Yes. All you have to do is this one thing for me and I promise you, forever."

I looked up at him, his words sinking in and the small smile that played my lips disappeared.

"You'll only marry me if I don't have the baby?" My body, freezing up.

He nodded again. Too ashamed to admit the words out aloud.

"You're trying to bribe me?" I asked as I snapped the small box closed.

I stood there, looking over him. How could he be so callous.

"Bella you know I love you, you know I want you, this was my only way to prove myself."

"Prove yourself?" I asked incredulously. Could he even to begin to comprehend what he had done?

"Prove yourself? By Blackmailing me?" I gripped onto the box tight before I launched it at him, at his face.

He turned too quick though and it thudded off of his temple, my anger and hatred for him in this moment behind my throw.

"Fuck." he yelped as he rubbed at his head.

I needed him out and I need him out now.

Calmly I walked over to the phone in the room, picking up the hand set and pressing the 'one' to be connected with reception. "This is room four two three, could you send security up please?"

Edward glared at me, no doubt amazed I had it in me to do that, to remove him. I was amazed at myself. My own strength.

He shook his head, saddened at what I had done.

He turned on his heels walking out the door and slamming it behind him.

He was gone but all his things were here and so was that little box that still lay on the floor.

* * *

I didn't sleep again that night.

Eventually I had to switch off my phone. Edward, deciding to hound me after he though I would have

calmed down, but I couldn't, I couldn't get over what he had done.

I lay in bed looking at the little box opening and closing it, seeing the ring and shutting it away.

_Open _

_Closed_

_Edward_

_Baby_

_Open _

_Closed_

Just for the sake of it I opened his bag up and emptied it, throwing his clothes out of it in some mad fit. It didn't make me feel too much better. Instead I had Edward spread all around the room.

Who knew where he had went too? But I hoped for him that he found me before I headed for the airport because if not, his holdall and its contents were taking a one way walk to a charity shop.

_I wasn't going back to Seattle._

And I wouldn't be back in the apartment I once lived.

I gave up early on trying to sleep.

I picked up Edwards clothes and rammed them back into his bag in a messy ball, desperate to get rid of him and out of my sight.

After that I cleared up my own things, slipping into a fairly new pair of jeans that would no doubt be thrust into the back of a cupboard soon enough.

Leaving the room I clutched onto the little box and picked up both my bag, and Edwards.

Checking out I headed for the front door, the mild weather, feeling refreshing.

"Bella." I begged to the heavens he wasn't still here.

He jumped too his feet from a bench a little along the street, standing right in front of me.

He instantly reached for his bag, taking it out my hand and reached for mine too.

"I can carry my own bag." I groaned. I _never_ carried my own bag, not when I was with Edward.

"Don't be childish Bella, give me the bag." He pulled on it.

"No, you can take this though." I thrust the little box into his face.

"No, that one you can keep, I only take bags." he grinned smarmily at me. I could have smacked him right there for that look alone.

"That," I held the box up further, "I don't want." I pulled my bag out from his grasp. "My baby and my bag, I do." I gave him the same smile right back.

He cocked an eyebrow and it was as if he was enjoying this, as if it was a game.

I began to walk way from him but he followed me.

"Where are you going?" he asked a little impatiently.

"I threw up my dinner so I'm off to find somewhere to eat, if you really must know."

"Excellent, I'm starving." he told me as he grabbed my bag out of my hand when I wasn't paying attention.

"Edward…" I called, exasperated by his mood.

God knows how I had ever found this mood a turn on, his cocksure attitude often did things too me and we would end up in situations every where, parks, libraries, you name it…

But it was doing little for me right now.

"Come on, I'll give it back when we've eaten." he shrugged and walked away, leaving me no choice to follow him.

Ten minutes later we sat in a café and he kept staring at me. He looked a little more sullen as he had but I pretended not to notice, or notice the fact he was right in front of me, instead I looked out onto the busying street, morning traffic, beginning.

He sighed hard and I ignored it.

The waitress walked over and nodded at me but smiled wildly at Edward. He noticed too, smiling back at her, trying to get a rise out of me.

It wasn't working. I knew it was fake.

"Do you want to hear the breakfast special?" she asked as she chewed on her bubble gum.

"No, just too of the veggie breakfasts please." I told her without a tone of anything passing though my words.

"Veggie?" Edward asked confused. I ignored that too.

"Two black coffees too, please." I added.

"Make hers a decaf." he put in and I kicked him under the table, just because I could.

He yelped out at the contact with his shin and I mumble an not really sorry, sorry as the waiters left us.

"Veggie?" he asked again.

"Morning sickness, or what ever time of day it decides to come." I shook my head knowing it just like to piss me off whenever and didn't stick to its scheduled morning time slot. "Meat, the taste, the smell…" I shivered at the thought.

He laughed at me "So you skip out on the protein you need but are happy to fill yourself with caffeine."

"Why are you here?" I asked. Why was he still here. I had security inform me last night that he was in fact off the premises, but he was still here.

He nudged the little box that sat in the middle of the table, towards me. "You know why I'm here, Love."

Love?! He had a cheek. "Yeh I forgot, you were trying to blackmail me." I sighed as the waitress walked over with our coffees. "And you don't get to call me that again, ever." I told him firmly, the waitress backing away, swiftly.

"But you are _my _Love." he told me.

"If I was, you would be with me." I told him flatly.

He sighed and ran his hands through his hair, messing it up even more. "That's your decision." he eyed the box in front of me.

"Where did you sleep last night?" I asked. Where had he went?

"I didn't. I sat on the bench."

I clenched my fists, angry at him. He was only out of hospital. He should be resting. "All night. You shouldn't have come here."

He shrugged, "It was worth my time."

"How?" I asked.

"I got to kiss you." he told me as he leaned into me, his words seemed to linger between us, willing me to do it again.

Instead I rolled my eyes at him and pulled away. "Edward, go home." I told him simply. "I don't want to see you, especially when you are acting like this, like…like _almost_ normal. Clearly you don't want to talk about it like a rational human being, so I'm done. I'm done with you."

His brow furrowed up, his demeanour looking mad. "You're done with me? Bella, you don't just get to be done with me."

"Yes I do. We want different things."

"We don't want different thing." he told me sharply.

"You want me to get rid of my baby." I reminded him with gritted teeth.

He closed his eyes, rubbing at his face. "I want a family, Bella. I do. But its not fair for it to be like this."

I was surprised by his words. Did her actually want a baby?

"What do you mean Edward?" I asked trying to keep my last ounce of composure in check.

"I want a family, I want to have children. I want a wife, fuck, I want it all. I'm a selfish prick. I know that. Every one had told me that, but it would be more selfish to have those things."

I didn't understand what he was getting at. I shook my head, closing my eyes and opening them "Edward…" I need him to explain.

"Do you think I would make a good father? Really Bella, think about it. _Me_?" He pointed to himself.

"Yes." I told him whole heartedly and I believed it.

"I shout at you from day to day. I tell you I hate you, that I done love you. How the hell is a child supposed to take that in, they can't understand like you, an adult, can."

"If that ever happened, we would explain to them, we would make it work somehow. But Edward, you have to realize, these are all if's. If you pass it on…if they can understand…"

"No, Bella, I will snap at them. It's in me, It's who I am. What if I lost it with them, what about if I ever hurt them? What if I feel so pushed, I harm them. I wouldn't be able to live with myself doing that to an innocent child."

"But you won't." I argued firmly.

"How do you know that? You can't know that."

"Yes I do. I know you." I reached across the table, placing my hand over his, he wasn't a harm to anyone. "You wont hurt any one because that is not who you are. You are not a monster." he rose a disbelieving eyebrow at me on that one. "You are not a monster and you need to stop thinking of yourself that way."

The waitress brought over our food and I broke our contact allowing her to sit down the plates, placing the plates in front of us and we both looked around uncomfortably until she was away again.

I reached for his hand again and he looked down at my touch before he looked me in the eyes.

"Edward, you are _not_ a monster." I spoke softly to him. "You have never hurt me and I know that once the baby is born, all your doubt will disappear and you will love them." I really did believe it.

"You couldn't hurt a soul. It's not you." I told him, the vulnerability in his eyes shone and it broke my heart.

I got up from my side and slid into Edward's side of the booth, sitting down beside him. He looked a little surprised but he only placed his hand at the bottom of my back, pulling me closer to him.

"You have so much soul in you that it would be a waist not to give another generation a little bit of it." I smiled gently at him as I brushed his cheek gingerly with the backs of my fingers. His almost weeks worth of stubble making him handsomely hirsute.

"There's just too much bad going against us already..." his voice shook.

I shook my head, "There is nothing bad about you at all. Not you genetics and not your being. I wouldn't have loved you any other way."

"I love you, Bella." he whispered, but tenaciously.

I nodded slightly. I knew he did, it was the only thing I was certain that came form his mouth. "Would you have ever asked me to marry you if it wasn't to blackmail me? You said you wanted a wife too, was it me you wanted to marry?"

His forehead leaned onto my temple as his lips reached my cheek, kissing me tenderly. "Of course it's was you I wanted to marry. I still do."

"Why didn't you?" I had tried to brooch him on the matter more that few times over the years but I never got anything back.

"Because, like I said. It would be easier on you if you wanted to leave." That had been his reasoning when it erupted into a furious fight one night. The only real fight we ever had on the matter.

"And now, you'll see what I meant when you leave me. If we were married I would have made this a nightmare for you. I wouldn't let you leave me but I really don't have a choice now, I can't make it difficult for you."

"I never wanted to leave you, I never would have but you're the one forcing me to choose here."

"I hoped it would force you into doing what was right, what I think is right, but as always," he laughed dryly. "you are too damn stubborn for your own good." He pulled his head away, pulling me into his side. I was happy to sit there, I needed to feel him. Heartbreak be damned.

I reached across the table and picked up the box. The one with the little promise inside it.

I opened it up. It was beautiful, it really was.

"When did you get the ring? Quick shopping spree at the airport?" I said flatly.

He picked it up out of my hand. I knew it wasn't from an airport Jewellers, those ones look generic. This was spectacular.

He lifted it out the box, the stone sparkling in the light of the café, rainbow dots dancing across the table.

"I got this almost eight years ago, from a little antique shop. When I saw it I though of you, I wanted to ask you then. I already knew I was going to be with you forever the day you came back to me from Forks, when our hiding finished."

I knew exactly what day he spoke about. The day after we were caught, when I thought that everything in my life had fallen apart. But it didn't, it only got better and I had stuck by Edward as he stood by me.

I couldn't believe he had it so long, he couldn't be serious.

I looked up at him, suspiciously.

"Hid it in a shoe box. You would never go looking in my shoes." He smirked slightly, though I could tell it was pushed.

I never looked through anything of Edwards, there was never any need. I trusted him implicitly.

"I saw it and knew it was mean for you. Breathtaking and one of a kind." a small smile attempting to dance across his lips. "But I was to scared to ask you. At first I thought you might think I was mad, we were nineteen. Then eventually I knew you would say yes, that that is what you wanted, it was what I wanted but I knew if I had you, if you were mine legally, I would fight like hell to never let you go if you ever changed your mind. If life with me ever became too hard."

My gut gnawed at me, telling me to touch him, kiss him, give him whatever he wanted to make him happy.

This wasn't Edward trying to guilt trip me into something, he wasn't playing any mind games, this was him being open and honest and it was devastating.

"Edward, life is hard, for everyone, not just us." I tried to tell him. He had such an easy time of seeing the bad side fo things. I only wished all the good he had given me, all the good that changed my life, that made me know that I wouldn't have had it any other way, he could see.

"But it could be easier without me." I hated how he said it, it wasn't some underlying threat but it scared me, him thinking that my life would be better without him in it. It never would be.

"You said to me that knowing I'm there stops you from jumping into the water. Without you…" I shook my head. "don't ever think I could survive this world without you, ok. Promise me that you know that. That if your world ends, so does mine." That _was_ a threat. I would guilt him into keeping himself alive with my own life if that's what it took.

"You shouldn't say things like that, it isn't fair."

"But its fair for you to say things like that too me?" I asked him softly.

Taking my hand, he slipped the ring on my ring finger. It fitted perfectly.

"It looks good on you." he told me as he linked his fingers with mine, clasping our hands together.

I looked at our hands and then I looked up at him. This wasn't fair. Why couldn't this one thing be easy for us, for him. Why did the doubt have to assault him like it did, why couldn't he just be happy in the knowledge that he was getting something that he wanted.

But it was his choice, this was _my_ Edward sitting right here. Everything seemed to swirl inside of him, doubt, anxiety, rage, depression. But they all swirled in him because he let it in at this moment, he wouldn't concede to this, every fear he had of himself, of the "monster", telling him he wasn't good enough for this world. He was scared that the baby would be like him and he thought he was Mr Hyde. He was scared that he would be a bad parent because he truly thought he could harm them, emotionally and physically.

_Why could he not see how perfect he truly was?_

He still needed to see that his visions were unjust and almost improbable.

I took the ring off. "I can't accept this Edward."

He nodded lightly, his gaze landing on the table.

"I love you, but it isn't enough. You need to love yourself too, see the good in youself."

"You're never going to give up are you?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Never."

I stood up, my breakfast never having been touched. I couldn't face food right now.

I placed my bag over my shoulder and he looked up at me.

"I booked you onto my flight yesterday, Check in is at six." he told me as if he thought I was going with him instead.

"You shouldn't have. I'm not going back to Seattle."

"Wghat? Where are you going? How long for?" He asked as he jumped to his feet.

"Forks. And I don't know how long." I shrugged. I handed the ring back to him, letting go of everything I wanted.

"Keep it." he told me.

I shook my heed, refusing.

"Please just take it. Think about it, just once more, from my side. Please." his words begged me.

I nodded, placing it back in the box and holding it in my palm tight. "Think about my side too, think about the good in you, i know you can't always see it, but try. For yourself."

I picked up a slice of toast. "You should eat. I know you would have had nothing and I really can't take you being in the hospital again. Get some rest too, book into a hotel and have some sleep before your flight."

He nodded, agreeing, settling my mind.

I reached up and kissed him on the lips, a small perfect kiss, _another goodbye kiss._

I headed for the front door, taking a few steps before I turned back to him, his eyes looking back at me.

"Edward…Please don't follow me this time. I don't need anymore goodbyes."

* * *

_**Please review - lets break the record!! **_

_**peace xx**_


	10. Chapter 9

_**a/n: ok so this was finished last night but I didn't post because I don't think it's the best but I have sat at the computer all day and nothing…So I give you as it is. And I pray you enjoy it.**_

* * *

**Chapter 9**

**BPOV**

I landed down in Forks still clutching on to the little box Edward had gave me. I wanted it. Not necessarily the ring but everything it stood for. But he was tainting it. It wasn't a promise anymore, it was a deal, a negation.

I hired a rental car and headed straight for Charlie's. He wasn't expecting me and he would be no doubt shocked at what I had to tell him, but I had to tell him. After this, that was it. No turning back. The baby was happening.

Pulling up into the drive Charlie was up at the front door. I was a little surprised to find him home so early, I thought I would have had a little time to think through what I was going to say to him, but apparently it wasn't for happening.

"Well, well, what a surprise." his smile was huge.

I smiled back at him, relaxing, knowing that for this moment, everything seemed normal.

"Edward working?" he asked and I felt my face falter as I pulled my bag out from the car and placing it on my shoulder.

I shook my head as I walked up to him, pulling him into me close and he wrapped his arms around me too.

"Everything alright Bells?" he asked, pulling away, concern all over his face. It seemed I couldn't even attempt to hide my inner turmoil.

"Can we go inside?" I asked with a tight smile nodding to the door.

He looked worried. He didn't have to be. I would be ok. It would be hard, but I would be ok.

His worry still all over his face he, pulled me next to him on the couch instantly. "What's going on Bells?" his tone was a little more dry, he wanted me to spit the truth out, and quick.

I didn't know where to begin. Do I tell him that I'm pregnant or that Edward and I broke up, do I tell him both?

Both

_Definitely both_

No hiding anything

"You're going to be a granddad." I smiled softly at him, waiting on his reaction.

He thought about it and I could see the penny dropped as you could see the smile begin to form on his face as he relaxed.

"Congratulations, honey, I hope your both really happy." he told me as he hugged me into him tight, my arms stuck between our two bodies.

I didn't even know where to begin. I wanted to keep quiet but he would be mad when he found out later.

"I am, I'm really happy." I told him, maybe I didn't need to tell him right now.

"You know I wished you two would have been married for this, but I am happy for the both of you." he laughed a little. "That isn't why Edward isn't here is it? Cos you two ain't married and he thought I would come after him." he smirked, amused. I knew he was only joking but it made it all the more harder. I was making Charlie look foolish by not telling him.

"Edward doesn't want the baby so we split up." I spit it out, so fast, Charlie could barely understand me.

"What?" he asked, but clearly he had caught some of it going by the look on his face.

"Me and Edward, we broke up." I glanced up to his face. "He doesn't want a baby." I tried not to let any more emotion flood me as I held in thoughts of walking away from Edward.

I knew that Edward really did want a baby but I couldn't even begin to try and explain that one to Charlie. He still had difficulties with how his attitude could be. Charlie was a little old school, "nothing that couldn't have been smacked out him" he was joking but I knew what he meant by it, he thought Edward was a spoilt brat.

Charlie sat there in silence as my gut gnawed but there was nothing left in it for me to throw up.

"What…what exactly happened?" he asked carefully because he had come to realize over the years, that with Edward, nothing was simple.

"I don't want to go into this right now-"

"I need to know, Bella." he told me firmly. Charlie was never firm, not unless it was needed. And I suppose he needed to hear the truth.

"He thinks I should get rid of it because he think's he might pass on his condition." I mumbled but he heard me. "He's worried they will be just like him." the weight in my shoulders lightening.

"He's a selfish bastard." he spat out.

"Dad…"

"No Bella, all you have done is hang off of his side for the past nine years and now he dumps you cos he doesn't want to have kids." He was mad and I could understand.

"He does." Charlie looked up at me confused.

I sighed. "Ok, he does want them but he feels like he shouldn't because of his disease." I shrugged "He thinks, he think he would be a bad father or that the baby would resent him or something."

"Something..?" he asked rhetorically and sharply.

"And he never dumped me, I walked out." I corrected, my own voice hardening. I hadn't been walked all over by Edward, it was my decision to leave, I could have still have been in Seattle arguing about this with him right now. If I had of done, he might not have landed himself in hospital.

"Yeh, that's your mothers genes." he quipped.

"Hey." I scolded him. Was he having a shot at me now?

"Sorry, you know I never meant it. Just you walked away?" he leaned forward resting his forearms on his legs.

"Yeh, he made me pick." He looked into space but he was listening, his nodding head telling me so.

"What happens now?" he asked a little dumbfounded and calmer. He obviously knew that whatever was going on, we would booth be acting as stubborn as one another.

"I suppose I look for a new apartment," I shrugged.

"No, what about he baby, how are you going to manage. You moving back to Forks?"

I shook my head. I couldn't come back here, I belonged in Seattle now. I had my work there.

"I'll need to work, my job is in Seattle. I suppose Edward's family will help me out, they have been really supportive."

"Do you think Edward will change his mind?" he asked with the same hope I tried to hide in myself.

"I don't know, I don't think so. He is pushing hard on this one. We both are." Our battle lines were still marked in the sand.

"Well as long as you fight your corner. Don't let him make you do anything you don't want to." He was strong.

"I won't." Right now it was the only thing I was positive that Edward wouldn't control over me, he could have my heart and my soul and break them, but he wasn't taking my baby and breaking them too.

We sat there, both taking in the conversation, our words, our thoughts. He had been relatively calm with the whole incident. It had surprised me, I half expected him to go down to Seattle to beat him up, the other half _wanted_ him to go down to Seattle and beat him up.

It was done. I was having the baby. The news was out and there was no taking it back.

* * *

Charlie had been home early at the request of Sue. Apparently they're was a huge barbeque going down at the reservation.

Charlie said for me to do what I felt comfortable doing and for the first time in a while, lying on my bed, crying, wasn't on the agenda. I needed to feel something other than pain.

We both headed out over to LaPush. It had been years since I had been here. I could remember the last time I had been here. It was the day that Jacob had found out everything.

I couldn't help but feel the guilt swirl in me on that one, but it had been nine years. He was married. He was clearly over it.

"Bella." Sue greeted me cheerfully. I hadn't seen her in almost five months.

My fathers relationship with her had eh…shall we say, blossomed. Neither seemed to admit what was truly going on but they were side by side all the time and out on dates, but Charlie never called them that. He was just out as a friend, Sue would say the same but everyone knew better.

"It's good to see you." she told me as she hugged me.

"You too. You still pretending that you and my dad are only friends?" I joked in her ear. It was like a little secret between us. You could see her tanned skin pink a little with embarrassment at my words and it always made me laugh.

"Now Bells, you know the score." she told me off jokingly, her tone mock angry.

"Anyway where is that handsome man of your's?" she asked. She liked Edward. Like all women who didn't know him too well, she swooned at the "handsome doctor".

"He had to work." I told her simply. She could know later, after the party was finished. I wasn't going to kill it, I was going to try and enjoy it.

And I did enjoy it, or at least I had but the place was busy with condoling couples enjoying the last little bit of the summer sun. It was the beginning of September and autumn was approaching.

I sneaked off into Sue's house and I bumped into Leigh, Sue's bad tempered daughter. She was actually nice when she decided to get off her soap box and just be normal. She had had her hear broken, her boyfriend had dumped her for her cousin and then the pair later married. She never was able to get over it. I felt sorry for her.

She passed through the house in a strop, most likely feeling how I was and I reached the kitchen in the hope of finding some more of the roasted vegetable pasta dish that sue had made. It was the only thing I could really eat but the smell of the barbeque never bothered me too much as long as I was away from the cooking, instead the fresh air had filled my lungs.

Turning around I was met with Jacob.

I was in shock, the last time I saw him was the day we broke up. I felt so guilty.

But he smiled softly at me after a moment.

I smiled back, too nervous to do anything else. What was I going to do?

"Hey." he greeted me and I laughed and thought about the day we had met.

"Hey." I greeted back.

It was strange, I felt like I had always felt around him, warm. It was just his natural presence.

"You back for a holiday?" he asked casually as I pulled out a seat and began to eat at the table.

"Sort of. A few days away." I shrugged. "How have you been, Jake?" I asked, genuinely wanting to know.

He pulled out a seat and sat across from me before popping open a can of coke.

"Good." he nodded. "You?" his tone matching mine. It was nice.

"Good." I nodded. I had to laugh at the woodenness of the situation. "Really?" I asked him, curiously. I knew I deserved him to go off at me but it didn't seem like that was his intention, that he still held it against me.

He laughed "Well, no actually."

"You?" he asked again.

I shook my head "Shit." I told him flatly and it made him laugh, his brilliant white smile beaming in the process. Jake and I never skipped around anything with one another, not really, not until I had met Edward.

Jake had changed but he was also the exact same. It was strange.

"What's going on in your world?" I pushed. I really did want to know.

He turned quite, his face a little sad. "I'm…I'm getting divorced." he shrugged as he looked back up at me from his coke can.

"What? Why? How come?" I was a little take back.

He laughed dryly. "I get it now. I do, all what happened, way back when…Some times you just fall out of love."

I nodded softly as he sighed.

"I didn't understand it then, but I do now." he looked sullen as he peered back down at the top of his drink.

"Sorry." it was all I could say.

"I thought it was forever, I thought I really was in love with her…You know? I thought it was easy for you back then, that you could just walk away so easy, but I was wrong. It still hurts, even though she want's us to stay together, I can't do it." He was so honest and open, we had always been like this, this was how we had worked.

He was right, nothing between Jake and I had been easy at the end. When I walked away from him for Edward the pain I still held in my heart for Jacob was overwhelming.

"Jake…" I reached for his hand that rested on the table.

"Now I know it was hard for you too. You were wrong to do what you did, but I understand it." he shrugged. "You and him, I hear you're still going strong…"

"We broke up." I told him flatly.

"What?" he asked shocked, his brows furrowing forward.

"I'm pregnant and he doesn't want the baby." I whispered as I shrugged, we were being honest and it was nice to tell someone that wasn't directly connected to us.

"The fucker, he just left you?" he shouted in surprise. I wasn't shocked by his tone. It rolled off of me.

I shook my head a little unfazed by his tone "No, I left him. He made me choose, I chose the baby."

"Oh."

"yeh…"

"How are you coping with it all?" He asked sweetly.

"Shit," I laughed again and so did he.

"Why doesn't he want a baby? Had you never talked about it before?" he asked a little confused.

"No, not really, he avoided it. He thinks that they will be born with his condition and we will be crating the devil child or something." I shrugged. "He thinks they will have his condition, he doesn't think it's fair that they might get it. He think's his life is crap."

"How the hell can he think that? He has you in it." Jake placed his other hand over mine, the one that still rested on top of his.

"You're sweet." I smirked and he laughed again. The atmosphere between us was so honest and light, it was refreshing form the heavy haze that had followed me and having to drag the words out of Edward.

He shook his head and quirked an eyebrow. "So, I'm guessing cliff diving is out of the question?"

* * *

My stay with Charlie was brief, I stayed a few days but After the barbeque all wanted was home.

Home to Seattle, home to Edward.

But I couldn't have him so I settled on what I could.

Making my plans to head home, back to Seattle I asked Esme if it was alright that I stayed with her for a few days. I had to get back on my feet and I couldn't go to Rosalie's because that would have been asking too much of her, she shouldn't have to see me in her apartment, knowing why I was there. I knew without a doubt she would have me but it just simply wasn't fair to her or Emmett.

I was tempted to ask Alice but I knew Edward would need her more and I didn't want to force anyone on to sides. I had my reasons and beliefs and so did Edward. I didn't like them but I suppose I could respect them. _Almost._

Esme's was further out of the city and there was also a chance that Edward may arrive when I stayed there but I didn't plan on staying long and hoped I would be gone by the next time he visited them.

I felt so relaxed in Esme's arms as she held me like a little child, firm and full of promise that everything would be ok.

"You look tired." she commented in concern. I had got some sleep but it was due to being so worn out that my body was unable to go on without closing down for an hour or so. I looked forward to the day I could eventually sleep restfully again. I only hoped it would come soon.

"I am." I told her honestly. "But I will be fine." I shrugged.

She looked at me questionably. She didn't believe it was going to be so easy, I could see it written all over her face.

"Have you spoke to Edward?" She asked and I shook my head.

Last time I had any contact with him was before I headed to Forks.

"He is coming around in a little while." she told me a little warily.

I hadn't expected to see him here and especially not so soon.

"I told him you were staying here." she admitted a little sheepishly.

"Esme, I asked you not too." I was disappointed in her to say the least.

"I know, I'm sorry but I was talking to him and he was worried about you. He was trying to give you space." she shrugged. "I said we would all have diner and he could see for himself how you were. Don't worry, Bella, he has been thoroughly warned. He isn't allowed to bring up the subject at all and he isn't allowed to stay too long." she smiled that impish smile that Alice done. "Not unless you want him too."

"I can't see him. Why are you making this harder on both of us?" I was angry and she shuffled on her feet sensing it.

"Because as stupid as he is being, we both know that it is only a matter of time before he begins to accept it. He loves you." she told me so sure that it was all about time.

"He's not accepting it, he's hitting new lows to get me to change my mind. He promised to marry me if I did what he was asking."

She was shocked at that one but quickly composed herself. "Well that is wrong, and he knows that but he just needs to see that this time, he isn't getting things his own way."

I felt so let down. I knew I was asking a lot of her to have me stay here but I thought she would have helped me keep my visit as subtle as possible.

"Bella, I love my son, I know he is doing this all wrong but you have to realize his mind just isn't going to function on this one normally, not straight away. It needs to seep into his mind, he needs to realize everything he is asking, everything you are asking and everything you both want. He's slow on this one but that's because he still isn't accepting of it. Show him that you are not budging on it-'"

I interrupted her. "He knows that."

"No, Bella, he doesn't, because just like myself, you gave into him too many times and too easily and now he is expecting it to happen again. It needs to sink in that you really are keeping this baby. He still thinks it's up for negation, you have to show him it isn't." she was firm and she was concise.

"I can't hold out for that anymore, Esme, I need to start planning for my future. I cant rely on him, not anymore."

"He will show you, Bella, eventually…"

I shrugged, not to sure of her beliefs. "I should get settled in. I could do with a little lie down before diner."

"Of course. Edward will be here for six, just so you know…" she put her hand up to defend herself from a wrath that she was expecting to come from me.

"Ok." I told her simply. I was too tired to think about it anymore. I needed a lie down.

* * *

"Mum?" I heard Edward call out from down stair, his voice distant.

It was a few minutes before six o'clock and I felt my nerves peaking as I fixed myself in front of the mirror.

"Concerned about what Edward thinks?" Alice laughed from my bed.

I looked back at her from the mirror. "No." I had been a little concerned about what Edward would think of me. He would only worry more if I looked like hell. But Alice didn't need to know that.

"Uh-huh, looks like it." as she glanced at the concealer in my hand, my attempt to begin to try and hide the dark circles below my eyes.

I placed it back down on the unit, grinning at her. "See, don't need it." I shrugged. I could put up with Edward, I really didn't need to hide myself, I had only been worried that he might worry.

"I never said you didn't need it." she jumped off the bed and pulled at my hand "But too late for it now." as she pulled me out the door and through the little lounge on the top floor and pulling me down both flights of stairs.

I stumbled forward off of the last stair, Alice, tugging onto me.

Edward jumped forward, to try and reach out for me but I was too far away from him but I caught myself anyway.

"Alice, for Christ sake will you be careful." he scolded her, he looked pissed.

"She's fine. What concern is it to you anyway. You took that right away." She snipped back at him. I really didn't want Alice to take my side on this, Edward needed her, she couldn't be speaking to him like that, it would put him off going to her.

He glared at her before he turned to me. "How are you Bella?" he asked nicely, obviously trying to keep in line. I knew Esme would have him if he was to act out tonight. He had been warned and a warning from Esme, you took as gospel.

"Fine thanks," I shrugged. "You."

He smirked a little, as if I really needed to hear the answer to that one… He shrugged and avoided answering me. "I got you a present." he smiled at me.

I shook my head. I really hoped it wasn't some attempt to try and get me back, not another bribe.

"Edward, no. I don't want it." I told him firmly.

"Yes she does." Alice piped in.

"You don't even know what it is yet." he smiled at me sadly.

"What is it?" I asked because this was obviously a game I needed to play along with.

He handed me a gift bag with a wide grin on his face. It was nice to see, whatever was in the bag had him amused.

I opened it up finding packets of ginger biscuits. I held one up out the bag, questioning him with a look.

"They help with morning sickness. Eat them, they will make you feel a little better." he nodded.

I was a little surprised at his token. But I didn't know what it meant. Was there even any meaning to it?

"Edward." Esme called to him as she walked towards us. She gave him a warm hug. She hadn't seen him since he landed up in hospital.

"Mum." he greeted her, you could see him relish the contact of his mother, of anyone touching him. I only hoped I hadn't been the last one to give him any, his family needed to show him he was loved.

"Rose and Emmett are in the dining room help set the table with Jasper, your father is in his office just now sending some mails. He should be down any second." she smiled.

"So…the full family." he added as he looked up at me. I glanced to the floor instantly. I didn't want to hurt him anymore but he was doing that all by himself

We were all sitting in the dining room eating diner, vegetable cannelloni, and chatting away. The air was a little tense at everyone one avoiding the whole 'me and Edward' subject. I knew that they all wanted to ask something, have there input, but they were being quiet like Esme had asked of them, just for me.

"So how was Forks?" Alice asked, nonchalantly, just the same manor she asked me every other time I had visited my father.

"Good. My dad is doing good too. It was nice to see some old faces." I told them as I wiped my face with the napkin. "I actually saw Jake." I nodded, trying to add it in casually but Edward tensed at the name.

"Really, how is he?" Rosalie asked, her tone trying to keep the atmosphere relaxed.

"Not to good actually, he's getting divorced. But it was a good little catch up." I reached for my glass, taking a sip of my water.

"Did you tell him about the baby or are you keeping it a secret until the three months?" Esme asked.

Edward had stopped eating and he was focusing on the conversation between us.

"I told him and he seemed that he really was happy for me." I smiled softly.

"So your telling people now?" Edward asked a little curtly.

I nodded to him, telling him yes. "Well, Jake at least. My dad would have told Billy, you know how those things go…" it was like Chinese whispers. I might as well have been honest.

"It just makes it more real you know?" I asked rhetorically to Esme.

Edward only took in my words.

"It was what I needed, it helped me realize what I need to do. The list of things I need to do."

Esme chuckled lightly. "Oh that's a long list. But we will help you through it." she winked at me.

"I got an apartment. I should move in next week." I told them. I wasn't hiding anything from Edward. He needed to see I was very serious on my new start without him.

"An apartment?" He asked gasping his brows furrowing forward.

I nodded and the rest of them looked between us to see who would react first.

Nothing happened between us. Edward was behaving as promised.

"Can we just not talk about this?" Edward shrugged as he looked down at his diner plate.

"I don't know why, I think it's great." Rosalie stood bye me. I was surprised to see the strong promising smile on her face. She really was there for me, even in the middle of her own heartache. I had never been so proud in my life to have her there right beside me in this moment.

"I can just imagine it, this time next year you will be up to your elbows in nappies." Alice laughed at the

prospect.

"It's going to be the best behaved baby ever." Esme added.

"How can you say that?" Edward shot her down.

Esme glanced up at him as if she was missing something. "What?" she asked a little confused.

"How can you sit there and say that they will be a well behaved baby." He eyed her.

"With you and Bella's nature, they will be so quiet and reserved." She explained with her napkin up at her mouth.

He scoffed. "Yeh, because that just sounds so like me doesn't it?" he was annoyed at her words.

"Well, actually, yes, yes it does." she told him firmly as she placed the napkin down on the table. "You were a great child."

"Shut up, no I wasn't." he snapped.

Esme's face dropped. "Excuse me?" she looked at him waiting for an apology.

They stared at one another in a silent stand off with everyone else holding there breath.

Esme spoke first. "Edward your mind is more than a little clouded with things in life, especially yourself. You were the best behaved out of all of you."

Edward rolled his eyes at her.

"Do that again Edward and I'll put you out the front door myself." she turned to her husband. "Carlisle, tell him, tell him that he was the best behaved." She looked back at Edward as Carlisle nodded.

"Emmett went around tearing up everything and Alice just kept dancing about and destroying her clothes." Carlisle added.

A few small laughs were heard from others, knowing that perhaps that things hadn't changed much at all.

"You, you would come and ask me if I needed any help, you would follow around behind me, if you weren't doing that you were always deep in thought at everything in the world, you would sit looking into space, wanting to learn more about everything, about all sorts of nonsense. And you were always so affectionate, to all of us."

"Sounds like a pussy to me." Emmett mumbled out below his breath.

"Emmett…" Esme sharply warned.

"I really don't think any of you have changed much at all." she shrugged nonchalantly.

The air was quiet for a beat.

"Well, I think your wrong. I think I'm pretty screwed up and all I'm going to do is pass it on."

"Edward, it's always about what you think. _I think this…I think that… _have you ever considered that your vision is a little blurry. I know what you were like as a child, I raised you, all three of you so don't you dare question my thoughts on you when you can't even remember."

The tension at the table was thick and everything I didn't want to happen, had. But in the light of it, I felt somewhat happy it was out.

"She's right." Rosalie began. "None of you seemed to have changed, even you Edward. That shy boy I met all those years ago is still in there. You can act like an ass, your selfish at times, very selfish at times." she corrected. "You are even aggressive and, god I'd be lying if I didn't say that you couldn't drive me insane, but I love you, Emmett loves you, Alice loves you, Jasper loves you. Of course your mum and dad love you and for some unknown reason, the girl that should get to hate you, well she loves you the more than all of us put together."

Edward's head bowed, refusing to meet anyone's eyes after Rose's outburst.

"And Edward, that girl, she has been the one that has stood by you thought everything. Even when _we _told her she was wrong too so. She did it, because all she cares about is you. The moment you get to repay her, you turn your back on her."

Edward looked so deflated, he looked broken again, any small smile that had played his lips earlier had vanished.

He slowly stood up. "Excuse me." he told the table quietly before he mad his way out the room, closing the door behind him. The heartbreaking look across his face, penetrated me. I wanted to rush after him.

"We'll that went well." Emmett announced flatly.

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_**a/n: Please review, I would love it so so much if I could get over 300 reviews. I think I would die of happiness (of course, only when I had completed the story though.)**_


	11. Chapter 10

_**a/n: Holy shiz! We did it - we made the 300 mark - thank you for all the great reviews especially when I doubted myself. Ready for another little firework ? Keep reading then! Enjoy!! xx**_

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**Chapter 10**

**EPOV**

I closed the front door behind me as I left my mothers.

I couldn't believe what had happened, how they all just came at me like that.

_I_ was the one that had been warned not to bring it up in the first place. And I hadn't. I hadn't said a damn word about it with the exception of the biscuits I had given to Bella. Even that was a token, a token of understanding. I wasn't agreeing to what she was doing but it didn't mean I wanted her to suffer. I knew her morning sickness would pass but I was frightened she would lose weight and not get the nutrients she needed if it was as bad as it seemed.

Christ, it was my mother that brought it up to begin with at the table, though Alice's dig at me when I had arrived didn't go unnoticed either.

My mother was the one that asked her if she had told Jake. Fucking Jacob Black, of all the people she told, she had to tell him. What the hell had she been doing going near him in the first place? Was he looking to take my place? Well he wasn't bloody getting it, he wasn't getting anywhere near _my_ Bella or _my_ baby.

Making it over to the car, I rested my arms and head against the top of the roof. I needed to calm down and let the anger subside or I would no doubt go speeding off the road and into a tree or telephone post or something…

I tried to even my breath, letting myself relax a little. Just as I did, I heard the front door close behind me once again.

Who ever it was, it would be wise for them to keep back.

"Edward…" I heard her voice carry in the gentle wind. It was Bella. And as much as I wanted to go to her, I couldn't. I was having a hard enough time with my emotions as it was, I didn't need her to knock them off kilter anymore than they already were.

"Bella, just go back in to the house." I told her gently, I didn't want to scare her with how I was really feeling.

"I think we should talk." Talk? Argue she meant, that's all this was going to turn into. _She had an apartment._

"Bella, just go inside, I'll talk to you later." I told her a little more firmly. I still hadn't faced her, all my words I was telling to my car's roof.

"No." she was firmer.

I turned to her and glared, she shifted uncomfortably on her feet as she look away from me. She obviously didn't like the look in my eyes and it didn't surprise me. "Bella, leave me alone. We can talk about this in a couple of days." I sighed. "I just need some time, ok."

She nodded and surrendered.

I turned to the car and opened the driver's door. "I'll come to you when I'm ready." I told her firmly.

She only nodded in response again. The look on her face was sad and I wanted to pull her into me and hold onto her, kiss it better. Kiss it all away.

I remembered the first time I had seen that look on her face. Jake had caused it and _I_ had made her night a little better. I wondered if this time it was me that caused it and had Jake made it a little better for her this time around.

I tried to put the though of him anywhere near her out of my mind. Past or present, I never wanted to think of her near him. She always belonged to me, ever since we first met.

Driving out of the drive, I headed back to the city. I didn't want to go home because it was empty and that was the way it was always going to be now. It was always me and Bella's apartment, we had always lived there, we had always lived together. Apart from the times she had stayed away for work or the times I had been in hospital, we always stayed there.

_And now she didn't._

I couldn't even begin to think of where Bella would have picked to live. Our apartment was in a nice neighbourhood. Would she be able to afford to live herself? Never mind with a baby.

I knew she would never take money from me if I tried.

She was stubborn that way too.

Our apartment was bought and paid for. We didn't need to worry, we were lucky and I knew that. But Bella being Bella and her blinded foolishness would no doubt move into apartment that was completely wrong for her, just so she could say she had one. It hadn't even been a week since we had, call it what you will, "separated". But I wasn't finished with this fight, not until she was under her own damn roof with me next to her, in our apartment.

Driving away from the car crash of a diner, I didn't know where too go. I was surprised at my mums tone with me and I was taken aback to say the least with what Rose had said. She was still fighting me on this, more than the rest of them. It was as if she had her own personal vendetta against me and would only surrender when I gave up. But she didn't see it like I did, hell even Bella was seeing my side a lot clearer than bloody Rosalie.

I was shocked at her words. She was harsh but she was completely sincere as she said them. I had been use to profanities coming from her mouth ever since the day in the hospital. I knew she hated me for what I was asking. Hate being a strong word, but she did. I tried at all cost's to avoid her because I'm sure if Emmett was ever to be caught off guard she would gouge out my eyes or something.

But she did tell me she loved me, that they all did. I knew they did. Of course I did. She was only trying to open my eyes to show me, that despite my self and my own self loathing - they really did love me, they loved who I was, the person inside, not the condition that seemed to encase me with or without my own willingness.

They just struggled to come to understand how I felt, they loved me, with or without my condition but I was the one on the inside. I was the one that felt everything, the one that struggled trying to keep my brain in order. I was the one that was wrapped in it, affected from the inside and inside, it was dark and I was alone.

Pulling up I parked by a quiet end of the dock's. No one was here, no one would see if I fell in, _no one would see if I jumped in._

Looking down into the black water it once again looked inviting. A serine calmness calling me. I wanted it but I wanted Bella more.

The last time I saw her and she told me that if I did this to myself, she would follow me. She had guilt me into keeping myself alive, that if I did anything, so would she.

I hated her for that, that I couldn't even have peace when I was dead. I would be sent to hell, that was if I wasn't already being sent there.

She never said the words as such, but I knew from the tone of her voice and the glint in her eyes that she was serious.

The girl was crazier that I was.

But would she? Would she really do that? She wasn't a selfish person. It wasn't her nature. She would know it would kill Charlie and Renee, not even mentioning my family. She belonged to them as much as I did. I swear at times I think they wished they had Bella instead of me.

Bella would have made a better twin to Alice rather than me, I pulled Alice down with me all the way through school. She had no one for so long because _I_ scared them all away. We were all we had but if it was Bella instead of me, she would have shone. Both of them would.

Would Bella really do it though? Would she? I knew I would hurt her infinitely if I did harm myself, but would she do that to others. And what about the baby? Would she do that to a life that hasn't even begun? I really didn't think she could.

It would be a tragic fight if that was how it all ended.

I wouldn't let it be like that.

I was going to get her back.

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Lying in bed I felt lethargic, I had been in it for two days. Two solid days with the exception of bathroom breaks and eating.

I knew I was close to letting my emotions take over the other day but I had driven back to the apartment and hid away, thinking.

I wanted Bella back.

I craved her, her smell, her touch, her sound.

I wondered if she craved me too or were her craving all just for that baby.

I sighed to myself and I wanted to hit out at something, break something. But I kept my calm and stayed in bed.

I was going to get her back.

I would promise her the world if that's what it took.

_I just couldn't promise her a baby._

I mentally scolded my self. That one was too late. She had that, it was me accepting it that I couldn't take.

I wanted a baby and I especially wanted a baby if it made Bella happy.

But this baby? Now?

We could have adopted, offered someone else a home and we could have waited until I had grown out of my condition. That would have made sense, that was doable.

Not this, this was insanity.

I had thought about the angles I could try with Bella, for her to see my side, but that wasn't the problem, she understood them. The baby, the embryo, it was made of us, that's what Bella couldn't give up on.

She saw it as a piece of me and she wasn't willing to harm it, though I bet the notion that it was part of her too never really crossed her mind. I didn't want to do that to that part of her, really I didn't. If I knew for sure it was all Bella then there wouldn't be a doubt in my mind about keeping it. But there was me in it, half of me made that baby up and the world didn't need anything at all resembling me, not even half of me.

They told me I needed to look at myself differently, but I couldn't see it, I couldn't see anything good about me except Bella. Even then, she belonged to Charlie, I had her love and that was enough to keep me alive, to keep me afloat but now she was gone and I had nothing.

They had all tried to get hold of me in the past two days, phone calls, knocks on the door. I ignored them all. Bella hadn't tried and I guess she saw that I had left her alone when she needed it so she was doing the same for me.

I said we would talk and I knew I had to do it soon. Time was running out for changing her mind. I didn't want it to go on for too long, though with her heals deep in the ground, I was beginning to see that this was a battle I really could lose.

I didn't want to push her any further away, that wasn't what this was about. It was to show her that whatever she had inside of her, growing, it wasn't fair to bring into this world, to become just like me.

I dragged my arse out of bed knowing I should go around to see her. She had wanted to talk and now I was ready to listen.

I showered before making some food knowing it would be one of the first things she would ask when I would see her. I made sure it contained no meat. I didn't need her to be repulsed by me any more than she already was.

Leaving the apartment I headed straight for my mothers. I assumed she was still staying there since she said she was to move into her apartment next week. _That one_, I would try to prevent from happening.

I didn't call ahead or anything, I just got in the car and drove because I knew it was going to be hard and I didn't want to almost get there and bail, only for her to wonder what had happened and no doubt worry. Worrying - she had mastered the art after living with me for a decade.

The drive was quick as I thought of constant angles for my argument. There wasn't actually many, we had been over them, it was all approaches. I really didn't think they would work though, not after I had failed so miserably when I had asked her to marry me.

I admit it was a stupid thing to do. It was something Bella had always held in high regard when it was right, when it wasn't rushed, and here was I rushing it at her in a deal. A nasty promise. I had ruined it for her.

Walking straight into the house I said a quick and abrupt hello to my mother before I headed on my way to look for Bella around the house.

She was in her room. The room that she stayed in whenever she stayed here, or at least was meant to sleep in but she never, she always sneaked through to mine.

I had flash backs to her in tears the night I had first kissed her, she had stayed in her room to afraid to come back to me but to afraid to sleep. I had went to her knowing she still needed someone, even if it was me.

I had heard her being sick as I passed the bathroom and I let her be as I continued into her room, lettng myself in and sitting down. The bed was made and the room was pretty tidy for Bella, she had a habit of building up little piles of chaos, the room was never bad with the exception of them but there wasn't any here, she would be worried my mum would think she was a slob or something, Bella had a habit of assuming the worst at times, especially in herself despite her strong mindedness and plain stubbornness.

I heard the toilet flush and a few moment she walked into the room stopping at the door, looking at me, sitting on her bed.

"Are you ok?" I asked instantly, she looked pretty white.

She chewed down on her bottom lip before slowly nodding and wondering over to the side of the bed, reaching past me to her bedside unit and reaching for an open packet of ginger biscuits.

I sniggered as she pulled one out and offered me one.

I refused her silently with a shake of the head before speaking again "Do they help?" I asked because I was curious. I had heard patients of doing it and they said it did.

"Yeh, a little, just enough, you know." she shrugged.

As long as she was feeling better. "As long as you're feeling better." I spoke my thoughts.

She nodded in a daze looking at the floor, she seemed almost child like, she seemed unsure of herself and the situation.

"You wanted to talk?" I prompted her.

She nodded before folding a leg below her and sitting down on the edge of the bed beside me, her eyes cast down.

She began to chew on her lip again and I reached forward pulling it out with my index finger.

She looked up at me showing her beautiful brown eyes, that them alone could break me, and gave tight smile.

She sighed and began "I…I don't know what you want Edward."

"You." I told her gently as she spoke.

She shook her head gently. "I mean, you're going to have a baby, but you know…with everything, with it all. Do you want any part at all?"

I furrowed my brows, she still seemed so certain. I suppose she was if she had told her father and Jake.

I ignored her question, unsure myself. "Are you sure this is what you think is right. Not what you want Bella, but what you think is right?" I was only asking and I kept my tone soft. I didn't want to hurt her any more.

She nodded "I think it is. But Edward I need to talk to you about this, I need you to focus on what I'm saying and I need you to keep calm, ok?" she was gentle but she was firm. My gut clenched at her tone. I really wasn't going to like what she had to say."

I nodded, trepidation swirling through me, my heart rate increased.

Her eyes glazed over and I tried not to panic too much.

She looked away, afraid to say what she had to and to look at me at the same time.

"Edward, what do you know about your condition?" she asked softly.

I felt confused, she knew all I knew about my condition. I hated it I hated all the things it did to me. I hated it so much that what the doctor had told me, was all I knew about it. I knew it was hereditary and that it could be passed on and that was enough for me.

"You know everything." I told her. "Everything I know about it, you know about it. I didn't keep any of it back. I'm telling you the truth when I can say there is a chance it can be passed down, it's not because I don't want a baby with you."

She nodded as she kept her eyes on the bed covers.

She began to chew down on her lip again, hard. I pulled at her chin making her face me, her eyes ready to pour tears.

"What is it Bella? You are scaring the shit out of me." My nerves were on the edge and I didn't know how much I could take before my body began to react.

I heard her breath shallow, panic silently rising in her.

"Bella…" I warned. I needed to know now.

"You're condition…It can be passed on-"

"Christ Bella, I know that, that's what we have been arguing about this whole damn time." I needed strength.

She shook her head and pulled away, getting up and pacing the floor before sitting down in her place once again.

For the first time in her life it was her that needed a moment, she needed to think through her words. So I tried to give her that time because over the years she had been so patient with me.

"The condition, it can be passed on…" she sighed "But you're a dominant gene," I nodded knowing she was right, that was why I had the condition. God I didn't know if I was missing something of Bella was. "Edward, your condition is inherited in an autosomal dominant fashion."

I nodded taking in her words before I froze.

I knew what that meant.

_I knew exactly what that fucking meant._

It meant because I had a dominant gene, if that one was passed on then they had it. There was no recessive part of the gene, it was coplety dominant meaning if it was passed on, they would have it, they would have the conditon. I had assumed it was of low percentage risk like almost no chance but this, this meant that they had a fifty percent chance of getting it passed on to them. Basically in a science point of view, if we had four children then really two of them should have the condition.

I couldn't believe it. My whole argument for not having the baby had just increased tenfold. She couldn't honestly still be thinking of going through with it now. Not now, surely.

"So you're not going through with this?" I clarified.

"I'm still having the baby, Edward." she snapped.

I stood up in total shock. She couldn't be serious. "Bella your can't be still considering going through with this, you cant do that to another child." I shouted.

"Why not?" she snipped.

"Because Bella, it's fucked up. You can't have a baby knowing that they might go through life just like me. It's not fair, not fair to you, not fair to me and it certainly isn't fair to them." How could she do this?

"Bella I told you, I told you the hell my life has been with this…this fucking shit and you can't sit there and tell me you still plan to go through with this."

"Edward, we can make sure that it doesn't effect them like you." she sighed. "Please, sit back down and let me explain some more things." She patted the bed, her aura still relatively calm, she was trying to keep it together in hope of anchoring me down with her.

I refused the seat and continued to pace the floor. How could she be so damn selfish? How? This wasn't Bella.

"There is also a chance that if they do have it that it might not even effect them. There is cases of that too. And also we can support them better, you didn't have that option. You were adopted as a baby and any prior knowledge of what to expect and when, disappeared. We can be prepared." Her voice getting higher on her last few words.

"You think that's going to stop anything? You think that's going to stop the crippling pains or the attacks-"

"They might no suffer that side of things."

""Yeh, if there lucky there brain will be the only thing fucked up and they can walk along the edge of the docks wanting to jump the fuck in." I shouted, my face inches from hers as I hunched over her.

She looked petrified of me right in that moment.

"Edward. Please. For me, see the good in you, see that there is help available these days. We can do this. _If _it happens."

"No Bella, no. End this now."

"No!" she screamed right back at me. I was shocked, I was loud, she was ear piercing.

Tears poured from her eyes and she struggled to breath, her face was clammy and she looked like she was going to pass out.

I hated this, I hated the entire situation and I hated what she was asking of me.

But I loved her and the look on her face made me want to die for ever putting it there.

I felt sick, emotionally and physically. I rushed to the bathroom and collapsed onto my knees in front of the toilet as I threw back up my breakfast I had made myself eat, because Bella would have worried.

I felt my insides tense up as I vomited. My body rejecting everything.

I felt so hot, I felt worse than how Bella looked and I knew my body was still recovering from being in hospital.

The door squeaked open and I felt Bella behind me.

She went to the sink turning on the tap and wetting a face cloth before ringing it out.

She knelt behind me and I knew she was waiting for me to lean back on her knees, just like I always did.

But I didn't, not this time.

I spat the remnants out my mouth before resting my arm across the seat and leaning my head across it.

"Edward." her voice was so quiet and soft. I could hear the hurt in it that I wasn't going to her.

She reached for my shoulder gently and called my name again but I shrugged her off of me.

"Please." she croaked out and at it I felt myself break. I held in the tears that I knew needed out but there was no point in crying. She was going to ruin a life no matter what I thought.

I slowly lifted myself up, still sitting where I was. "You know this isn't fair to them Bella, they don't have a choice but you do." I told her.

"No I don't. Edward this is you, I can't ever do that, no matter how much you hate me now, you will realize what I'm doing is right."

"You are wrong Bella. I know this life. I hate this life." I gritted my teeth.

"Then tell me why, why if you hate it so much, why are you still here, why do you smile at yourself when you have a good day at work, why do you laugh when Alice pounces on you and still tries to get you to let her paint your nails, why do you still smile at me, why do you hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be fine if you hate this life so much." I could hear her voice break as the tears had obviously became too much for her.

I still couldn't look at her. I wasn't sure who I was ashamed of most, _my_ Bella for being so selfish or myself for _always_ being selfish.

I closed my eyes and leaned back until I felt Bella's legs behind my head.

I relaxed under her touch as I felt the cloth wash over my face and down to my neck, small gentle strokes.

Bella's thumb stroked my cheek soothing me and for a long time in a while, I felt almost content.

I didn't want her to go anywhere.

We sat like that for a while, neither one of us wanting to give into reality.

I eventually and slowly I began to sit back up and instantly I felt Bella's arms wrap around me, her cheek against my back.

I wanted to give in, lose the battle, anything as long as I got this back.

But I couldn't. Because as selfish as Bella was being, I was selfish too, I had said to her my life was shit but in reality, it wasn't. it was a good life, I was lucky, it was the condition I hated. I honestly didn't know if it was fair to do that to them. I struggled weighing up the highs and the lows.

The three weeks prior to all of this, my life was brilliant. I had held Bella closer knowing that I would have slipped from her soon but all it had done was made me think more of when I returned, the plans we could make.

I only ever stumbled on safe things that could be cancelled last minute but in my exultation of being away from the effects of my condition for so long I felt brave, I had booked a few days away to New York for Bella's Birthday.

She didn't know and in light of everything that was surrounding us I thought it was bad taste to bring it up. I shoved it to the back of my head for the time being. We were due to go in a week but I had no idea how to bring it up or if she would even want to go. Though with everything that had happened, perhaps it was just what she needed. I could always book another plane ticket and change the name on my one, she could go with Alice and Rosalie instead. She deserved it, if only for putting up with me for so long.

After the fall out of earlier though, I kept it quiet and kept my mouth shut. I focused on the things that needed to be discussed right now. The important things.

I enjoyed her arms around me briefly before I began. "I need to see this apartment Bella, before you agree to anything." I was firm. I wasn't having her in some shit hole.

"It's fine Edward. It's really nice." I felt her shrug into me before she pulled away.

I turned around, still sitting on the floor and looked her in the eye.

"Where is it?" I cocked my brow at her.

She glanced away shrugging again "Downtown."

"Bella, you can't live Downtown, it's called Downtown for a reason."

"Hey, don't come at me with your fascist opinions like that. It's a nice place." she quipped back.

"Bella, you know I'm not like that. I'm just looking out for you. You have never lived alone-"

"I wont be alone for long." she snips in front of me

Finally a positive from this baby, something I can use in my argument. "Exactly, you will have a baby. A defenceless baby who need _you_ too look after them. Someone breaks into the apartment, you can't fight them off." I told her flatly.

"Yes I can. I…I..," she was beginning to stumble, she hadn't thought this as thoroughly as she needed too. "I can get protection." she nodded her head almost defiantly.

"Protection?" I tried no to laugh at her words, or her stupidity. Did she think she was getting a gun? "A gun?" I asked to clarify just how ridiculous she was sounding.

"No, I'll get pepper spray or something." ok I had to laugh. I just couldn't keep it in.

"Don't laugh at me, Edward. I can look after myself." You could see her clench her fists into tiny little balls of fury, but they would never get her anywhere.

"Bella, you can't expect that to help you, especially if you have a baby in you're arms. I'm not letting you do this."

"You can't stop me." her eyes almost popping out her head.

I shook my head sadly. I couldn't, she was doing everything else I was saying not too. Why would this be any different?

"I love you, and as much as I hate what you're doing I want to know you're at least safe." and with the possibility of me changing you're damn stubborn mind in the process.

"I will be." she said a little more softer this time.

"Can I see it before you move in then, let me see what it's like."

She thought on that one for a moment. She wasn't sure if she wanted me to see it before she was in there and I could change her mind about it.

"Bella…I'm just making sure you are going to be ok in it. Ease my mind a little here."

She chewed on her lip before finally giving a small nod agreeing.

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_**a/n: Please review**_

_**I hope all the genetics didn't confuse you. It will be explained a littler clearer in the next chapter.**_

_**So I was thinking - do you have any questions? Anything you want to ask about this story or HOTRS or any other ones I have - you can even ask me about me - Ask anything!! I will make another little vid if you have any questions and post on YT(and I'll try to iron out my damn accent better this time!! lol)**_


	12. Chapter 11

**_a/n: Over 350 reviews - please do not stop!! _**

**_Not the best chapter but enjoy!!_**

* * *

**Chapter 11**

**EPOV**

I walked through the corridors of the hospital intent to find my father. Surely he would have known about this, about the risks, about the chances. Why did he seem to try to simplify it so much?

I barged thought his office door, sure I would find him there. It was almost time for him finishing and he would be tying up all the loose ends of the day.

"Edward." he called, as if he expected me. I wouldn't be surprised if my mother had gave him a heads up.

I was pissed and I needed to know what had been kept from me.

"My disease, its autosomal dominant, you knew?" It was a question but it came out more of an accusation, though I had every faith he did know.

"Yes, I knew." he stated simply, as if it meant nothing.

"Why didn't you tell me?" why had he kept if back from me.

"Edward, your old enough to do the research on it, you're a doctor, you played dumb to it so why should I be the one to tell you?"

"Because you should have, especially now." I gritted.

"Why now?" He asked.

Was he crazy, this changed everything. "It changes everything."

"It changes nothing, all it means now that you know that you will worry more about the outcome." he told me coolly as he took of his reading glasses and sat back in his chair.

"It could have changed Bella's mind if she knew earlier. She might have thought about it more."

"Edward, you know as well as me that this doesn't matter to Bella, she will still love them just as much. This would never have changed her mind, and you know it."

I couldn't help but be so angry at him. He hid this from me purposely.

"How long have you known?" I asked him, my voice low.

He shrugged "I always knew. Does it really matter Edward? Would it change anything?"

"What about Alice and Emmett, they think they can pass it on to there children too."

The condition can only be passed on if a parent has the defect in there gene. The don't have it, they can't pass it along. I have it, I can."

"They know. I told them. They were concerned about it once and came to me."

"So my biological father must have had it?"

He nodded in response "He appeared to show no signs of it though from what I know. The defective gene was in there, it just wasn't active. Same could happen to your child if they even do have it."

"But I should have known, I could have change her mind, I could have saved someone else from this."

"There not as ill fated as you think, you know, they will live just fine and they might not even have it." He pushed and though I knew he could be right, he could be wrong also.

"But they might. Fifty percent chance, dad. How could you think it would be a good idea not to tell me."

"Because you would act like this and it would get you no where."

He stood up swiftly and placed on his white coat before ordering me to follow him.

"I just don't know why you didn't even mention it, really, did you not think it mattered?"

"Not really, Edward. If you wanted to learn more about it you could have, but you have always just been so ignorant to it."

We paced thought the corridors and I had no idea where he was leading me until he told me to look around as we entered a set of heavy doors.

I did. I glanced around and all I saw were incubators filled with tiny babies.

"Is there a point to this?" I felt pretty disgruntled that he was actually forcing me to look at a room full of new born babies in the special care unit.

He jutted his head to one of the cold looking plastic boxes. "Here, this girl was born yesterday. Look down at her side."

The baby was tiny and a light shade of blue flushed thought her skin. On her chest was sticky pads, monitoring her heart rate, that irritating machine keeping an eye on her pulse. She had tubes in front of her trying to supply her with oxygen and there was an IV line going into her taped up foot and a tube down her nose. Her side was taped up with gauze surrounding a cut wound that clearly had been done only earlier going by her age. She looked so fragile and I gave a silent prayer that she would live through this.

I looked back at him blankly but still a little taken at the sight that was in front of me though I was almost use to it. "The baby had surgery first thing this morning. She will no doubt have about another four or five in her life, major surgeries, just like that one. Tricuspid atresia, pulmonary stenosis and TGA. She had a shunt to keep her alive for the time being. Without it she would have only a few days to live." he shrugged almost sadly at the figure. I was surprised she was still even here.

"You see, we all have our own struggles. Her mother and father were both completely healthy. You just don't know what you're going to get out of life and you don't get to pick either. This," he nodded to the little frail baby. "this is her battle in life, the same as you have yours, the same as everyone. We all have our demons to battle. It makes us who we are.

"Me and your mother never got to have children of our own and as much as we love you all as if you were our own, we never got that option so we accepted it and did what we could. And really, I couldn't think of my life being any better without you three. Same goes for you're mother. Rose and Emmett are in a similar position to us but you're not, you get to experience that along with Bella, only you can't take it out on the baby, because that's who they are. You can't take it out on Bella either for thinking that a soul like yours deserves to live. I couldn't imagine a life without you and I know it's hard but you get through it and you carry on, it's always been what you and Bella have said and done, but the rest of the world is doing the exact same thing, life is never always easy."

He quietened as I looked back down at the tiny baby, all she wore was her nappy, a little pink cap and mittens. She was warm, she was healing, but this was only the beginning of her battle.

* * *

"Well done Bella, you have successfully found the biggest dive in all of Seattle." I piped in.

Ok it was liveable, but only just. and that was only if half a dozen things had been fixed over on the house.

I had a slightly different view on things after seeing my father. I understood things clearer, that things weren't quite so black and white. Life wasn't black and white, there was a lot of grey and that was what made it interesting.

I still hated that there was fifty percent chance of them getting my condition, but Bella was right, I was still here. As many thoughts I had about doing something to myself, I had something pulling me back from the edge and that was the fact that I had people who loved me.

I hated the attacks but they were rare when I behaved, ate when I should and sleep when I needed it. I had only had a handful within the last nine years, and the last one was pretty much self-induced by my own stupidity. Without the pressure of this whole situation I had managed through adulthood not too badly. I had struggles but like my dad said, everyone had there own demon to battle.

I wanted Bella and I was growing to accept that this is what she wanted and that this was a losing battle and one that I was beginning to not mind losing after all.

"Hey, it's not that bad." she huffed.

"Bella, he's right. For once." Alice told her and I smiled smugly back at her.

"Ok, it need's to be fixed up a little but I can manage that. Beside's I have already put my first months rent in."

"You what? Why? When did you see it?" I couldn't help the questions from firing out my mouth. How daft was she rushing into this.

"I saw it online." she squeaked out almost ashamed.

"Online?" I questioned not quite believing as Alice let out a loud sigh.

"We'll I don't care, ask for your money back."

"I can't." she protested in a little panic.

I rubbed my face at the thought of her being so childish in this whole situation that she rushed out and paid money to an apartment she hadn't even seen. But I couldn't blame her, she was trying to make a stand against me, I had pushed her into it.

"Bella, come back to our apartment." I saw Alice snap around to us from the corner of my eye as Bella shook her head.

"Bella, it makes sense. Or at least stay at my mums until you find somewhere else. Don't rush into this." I told her calmly.

"I paid for it." she argued.

"I don't care, I'll cover you're rent, but as long as it isn't here."

"Bella, he has a point, stay with my mum, she loves you staying there, besides I can only imagine her reaction when she sees this…" The painful expression on Alice's face showing us my mothers distain if she found out Bella was living here.

"It looked better online." she mumbled to herself rather than anyone else.

I nodded sympathetically. I had no doubt that Bella had been taken for a ride. "I'm sure it did. Old pictures." I shrugged as I spoke softly.

She chewed on her lip and her eyes glazed over.

I pulled her into me, clearly she was up set that this was going wrong for her and as happy as I was that it wasn't a great place, I wasn't going to gloat in her misery and her mistake.

"You know, I need to be heading. I have to meet Jasper." Alice told us quietly. I nodded, acknowledging her before she slipped out the front door.

Bella pulled herself away and wiped at the small tears in there corners. "I'm such a cry baby." she laughed half heartedly at herself.

"Hey, don't worry about that. Don't worry about any of it, ok?" She nodded again as I pulled her into my chest. She felt so right there, I didn't want her to leave me.

"Live with me?" I asked.

"Where will I sleep?" she asked as if she was tired. "In the nursery?" she shrugged. "We want different things."

"Do we?" I had to ask because through everything, was what we wanted so far apart? We didn't even seem like we had separated. I felt bound to her as I always had and I knew she felt it too, the look in her eyes told me, no matter what her mouth was saying.

She sighed as she looked up at me "Edward, I know what I want, do you know what you want?"

"I want you." that, I knew, that, I was sure off.

"Do you want this baby?" she asked as if she already knew that answer.

"Yes." it came out as a whisper and I couldn't believe it had came out. But it was the truth.

She looked up at me all wide eyed and full of surprise.

"You…you do?" she asked confirming.

I thought about it for a second. I did want this baby, there wasn't a moment I didn't want them. It was just unfair to have to introduce them to my world.

"Yes I do. I don't like that they might grow up to be like me but I do want them."

Her brows furrowed and she tried to find her words but she struggled.

I interrupted her before she could say anything. "Listen, can we go for some food and talk about it over diner? I needed to eat."

She smiled softly at me, no doubt happy that I was looking after myself.

I took her hand out to the car and opened her door for her, helping her in before closing it and getting to my side. I drove across town in search of something decent to eat. I didn't want her to be filling up on too much junk food, it wasn't healthy for her or the baby.

She took me by the hand into a restaurant and I kept quiet on her oblivious mind not noticing how we just seemed to always come together.

We got shown to a round booth and I was happy I could be close to her and that we could have some privacy.

"So talk, Edward." she pushed.

I took a moment thinking over my words, my thoughts and everything else that had been rammed into my head this past week.

It had been overwhelming and eye opening, there words were buried deep into me and I couldn't get them out of me.

They made me begin to doubt myself. I didn't know if it was a good thing or not but I was sure Bella would think it was good.

I knew I was losing here, it was happening, I had to accept defeat.

I wrapped my arm around Bella's shoulder, pulling her into me closer.

"You know I love you," she nodded and I was happy that through all this she was accepting of my love still.

"You know I would do anything to make you happy right?" She pulled away from my touch sighing.

"Edward, please don't go over this again 'you would do anything for me but this…', cos that just shows you won't." She snapped.

"Bella, be quiet." I snapped but there was humour to my tone as I rolled my eyes at her.

I had her attention again and she neared a little closer to me and I pulled her into me once again.

"I love you, I would do anything for you, even this. If this is what you want, then fine I give in. I give in, you win, we have the baby." I was sincere in all my words but still she shuffled out from me again.

"Bella…" I called on her confused. Wasn't this what she wanted?

"It wasn't a war Edward. You don't just tell me you give in and expect it all to turn back to how it was." she huffed.

"Why not?" why couldn't it just be that simple for once?

She stumbled, trying to get words out again "Just because, ok?"

"No, I am trying here and you are throwing it in my face."

Her head dropped and she looked sad as she nodded agreeing at my words. She looked back up at me "I…I just want you to be happy about it. I want you to have this with me and not just do it because you want to keep me with you. I need to know that you will love them too."

"Bella, of course I'll love them. Do you not think it tore me apart asking what I did of you? Did you not think I felt like the total selfish prick I know everyone else thinks I am. I had a chance to step up and do something good but instead I backed out acting like I did. I did it with the best of intentions because the world doesn't need another me-"

"The world could do with a million of you. There is no one more perfect in this world than you, you have flaws but so does everyone and I love everyone of your's."

"Yeh, well, we all know you're a little bit bias." I butted in.

"You still don't see it do you? The reasons I love you, the reasons we all love you." She said a little firm.

I shook my head. I understood they loved me, they were my family and Bella, we just connected. There was a million things I could list about her that I loved but there was something undeniable there that stood between us. It was there from the moment I first laid eyes on her.

"Anyway…" I tried to get back on my train of thought. "I just didn't think they should have this life but I realized, or should I say it was pointed out to me, that we just don't know what were going to get, and I suppose if I wasn't who I was, you wouldn't love me."

Bella smiled up at me and for the first time in a while, her eyes sparkled. "Exactly." she told me before she reached up kissing my lips.

Breaking away I wanted to do it again and again. It felt so good not to steal a kiss from her.

"So you're moving back into the apartment?" I asked, hoping.

She was indecisive on this one, you could see her battle begin again inside her head. "I want too, I do. I just want to make sure that you have had some time to adjust to everything…In case you change your mind."

"I'm not going to change my mind." I wasn't. I wasn't going to make this any harder than I already had made it for her.

She gave a confused shrug and sighed. She wasn't sure what to do.

"Bella…" I was begging her.

"Edward…" she mocked me in the same tone.

"I miss you." I missed everything about her, I missed her smell on the bed covers, I missed her small warm hands reaching out for me in the middle of the night, I even missed tripping over her damn trainers in the dark on the way to the bathroom. Nothing was the same with her out of the apartment.

"I miss you too." she pulled herself in closer to me to validate her words.

"Please?" I asked.

"A couple more days, just make sure you have thought over it, that you are sure because I really can't do that, I can't go through that again."

"I can't go through that either but not having you there, it's just as painful."

"Well I'll be coming back, if that's what you want, if this, all of this is what you really want."

I nodded. I really did want it all and I hated the doubt that dusted my thoughts. Perhaps she was right, maybe this would show her that today wasn't a fleeting moment, I didn't want to leave her nerves rattled, worried that I would turn around and change my mind. If she was asking for this, it was because she still held some concerns and easing them was my main priority.

"Ok. If that's what you want." I shrugged. "But you can't come back in a couple of days."

She looked up at me confused "Why?"

"You will be in New York." I told her. No one was getting my place, not after today. I was taking Bella and that was an end to it. It was what we both needed.

The perplexed look on her face with her scrunched up brows was pretty cute and I couldn't help but laugh as she asked how.

"I booked it for your birthday a few weeks ago. I thought you deserved it." I shrugged.

She looked up at me, surprised as hell but she was smiling. She never said anything, she only reached up and kissed me on the lips, the other diners getting a little more than they bargained for.

I laughed as she broke away with the smile still plastered to her face.

"I mean that's if you want to go..?" I teased.

She only laughed as she pulled herself back into me and resting her head on my shoulder.

* * *

**BPOV**

It had been two day, two days since everything changed once again. I was elated with everything finally coming together.

I had made Edward promise me to think through it carefully. As much as I never wanted him to change his mind, I needed to make sure if he did, that I wasn't back in the apartment for it, that I wouldn't have to leave like I did the last time. Packing up when he was in hospital.

My apartment Downtown was a nightmare. The photographs looked great online but the reality of it was pretty different. I expected a little wear and tear but that was something else.

I had been worried to take Edward down in fear of the neighbourhood being worse than I thought but it wasn't, it wasn't to bad at all. The apartment needed work and it was doable but the feeling of opening the door and realizing I had been swindled, I was embarrassed. More to the fact that Edward was there to see it in all It's glory.

I could have lived there once it had some work done to it but I didn't have the money and I didn't have the time and Edward and Alice had never lived in accommodation so modest except from halls in college so they weren't prepared for what they saw, and I suppose neither was I.

I had let my disappointment show too easily though and the vision of the pictures I had seen passed though my head and I wanted to cry. I had cried but I had held most of the tears back, ashamed that I had been so stupid to jump into something, just to prove a point. I knew I could really survive ok on my own but the pressure of wanting to show Edward I could do just fine and do it quickly, I rushed headfirst into disaster and along with a months rent being thrown away too.

But then he made everything right.

He said everything I wanted to hear.

He wanted the baby.

_He wanted our baby._

I was concerned at first. Was it really what he wanted or was it a panic at the thought of not having me back? I needed him to love them and he had said he would but I needed him to think about it, at least for a couple of days so I knew he was serious.

He called

_He called constantly_

The calls were usually light, one wasn't and I could hear his struggle, not with the choice, but his condition. He tried for it not to effect his thoughts on us being together but he grew frustrated that I was making him think about it and he called me just to simply snap at me. He thought I was being unfair not trusting him. It was a one sided argument, I wasn't playing into him and I stayed strong and told him that I did love him and if this is what he wanted, I would go to New York with him.

The time apart not seeing his face made me need him all the more. The separation was beginning to take it's toll on me and I still struggled to sleep without him by my side.

I knew what I was doing was right, it was only two days apart. He knew where I was and when he called he made it abundantly clear he wasn't changing his mind. That he was sticking with me through this.

Esme understood my apprehension at not wanting to rush back to his side. I think she liked it actually.

She seemed amused that I wasn't making it easy for him and I think she was a little proud of me for doing so.

It wasn't that I was trying to make it difficult for him, I really just did have to try to protect my own heart. It was fragile enough and I didn't need the pain again. It wasn't only myself I had to be concerned about now too.

I had found out that there was a higher chance of passing on the condition than we both first thought and my worry about Edward only increased. When I told him he was furious that it didn't deter me at all.

I didn't understand why it should, the condition could be bad, attacks could be fatal and Edwards struggle with depression, anxiety and mood swings were hard to deal with, but not impossible.

He was still an incredibly strong human being, both emotionally and physically.

Every trait of the condition was a struggle for him but it was also something that had built him, it was what made him who he was and he was only now beginning to see that without these things shaping him, he would be a totally different person and I don't know if that would have been someone I would have loved.

Would he have had the same determination if life had been easier? Would he have been as passionate when he was with me, making up for lost time when he wasn't?

I didn't like that Edward shouted at me, that he told me he didn't love me but I understood why it happened and that it was never _my Edwards real thoughts or feelings._

_I knew that with the baby growing up and if they did have his condition, at least they would have Edward, they would have there dad and he could understand and sympathize with them but he could also show support and we could both provide the support that Edward struggled to get when younger. _

_We would make it work, we would make it so they didn't have to struggle like Edward had._

_The thought of having a baby was a little overwhelming but the thought of them being like Edward had almost centred me. I loved Edward and I understood him, but I knew that they wouldn't be like him even if they did have his condition, that they would have there own little personality and react differently to things. _

_I felt confused at what I wanted them to be like. _

_Did I want them to be just like Edward, he could be so pensive, but in a good way. But then I thought what if they were a little more like Alice, out going and energetic. _

_In the end though, all that mattered was that they were there own person and that they were happy and healthy with who they were - condition or not._

_I pushed down on my holdall trying to gather everything in it and close it up. _

_I was going to New York_

_Me and Edward were going to New York._

_I was looking forward to it and for the first time I tried to ignore the extravagance of the present. I accepted it and was glad that we were at least able to spend some time together, away from everything else and just relax._

_It would also be a good time to talk, to talk properly. Edward and I had spent out time since our evening at the restaurant apart and we were both realizing our futures without the other. This was our time to talk through any issues or concerns before we got back to Seattle and I returned to the apartment with him._

_I heard a knock on the bedroom door as Edward walked thought. He seemed nervous and he pulled on his beautiful bronze hair as he mumbled a hello and stood at the door as if waiting to be invited in._

_I reached for him because I needed to touch him, any part of him, to let that spark of electricity pass through my bones and remind me I was still alive. That's what he did to me, without him I didn't exist, I felt numb and I knew there would be no one else with that effect on me ever again._

_I pulled his hand out of his hair and he smiled down softly at me, at our contact._

"_You always do that." he told me, like he had done so many times before._

"_That's because I don't like to see you take your nerves out on yourself."_

_He scoffed "Nerves?" Who was he trying to kid._

_I stood in front of him and crossed my arms in front of him and raised an eyebrow at him, I was joking and he knew but he conceded with a sway of the head._

"_Ok, I just don't want to screw things up. I'm gong to try hard to keep my mouth shut." he smiled._

_I reached up and kissed him on the lip softly. "Don't keep anything bottled in, you know it doesn't help, if you have something to say, then say it, we need to work this out properly and not just dance over it and pretend it never happened."_

_He nodded silently and pulled me into him. "I just want to try and make this up, make it all up to you. I love you."_

"_I love you, too." He was always incredibly vocal when it came to declaring his love for me, I think he tried to make up for all the bad with those three words and so I knew he loved me when he told me he didn't._

_I had every feeling that there would be at least some spat between the two of us while we were away but I knew it was unavoidable, with Edwards condition alone and the testing subject we were dancing around._

_I reached for by holdall and slung it over my arm before I turned to see Edwards face had changed again._

_The tension was set in his locked jaw as he immediately put his hand out to me._

_I looked at him confused before I realized what had got to him._

"_Edward I can carry a bag." I sighed. When was he going to realize I wasn't an invalid._

"_You shouldn't be carrying a bag that heavy." he practically growled._

_I rolled my eyes at the beginning of our trip starting out like this._

"_Yeh, well I had to carry a lot more when I moved out." I told him pointedly. Ok so it wasn't the best thing to bring up at this exact moment but I could carry a damn bag down a flight of stairs._

_He pulled the bag quickly off my arm and I felt it tug me forward with it._

_He never spoke, he only turned his back to me and walked out the door with my bag for our time away and our first spat beginning before we had even left the front door._

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_**a/n: Please review amd let me know what you thought!**_

_**Ok not the best chapter I know!! I'm sorry. My mind had died on me and I have been pretty busy this weekend and hungover too.**_

_**I'll give you a coconut if you know what Carlisle said about the baby - without wiki'in it! lol**_


	13. Chapter 12

_**a/n: ok I had some serious brain failure!! This is more of a filler chapter but we will be getting to more of the good stuff.**_

**_It also jumpes POV a bit!!_**

* * *

**Chapter 12**

**BPOV**

The ride to the airport was silent. He didn't speak at all and I couldn't even be bothered to attempt to bring him round from the stupidity of the situation. He was a big boy, he could get over this little huff on his own.

He mopped around the airport behind me as if I was carting him off to his execution, as if it was _me_ making him go to New York.

_This was fun_

It only got better when my second round of morning sickness decided to kick in when we had passed a barrage of fast food stalls and the smell of the cooked meat had made my stomach muscles spasm instantly and I left Edward holding my bag as I rushed away from him with the need to throw up. He had called on me, but only the once, he must have saw my direction and realized my need.

Stepping out I felt hot and clammy. I really didn't want to have to sit through this entire flight but there was nothing I could do about it now. We were going to New York and we both needed it.

I did want to go, I just wished I was able to forgo the travelling that was involved.

I found Edward sitting down on one of the long rows of seats watching out for me, waiting for me to make my appearance again.

He stood up instantly as I walked up to him and he began to asses me. "Are you ok? You look pretty pale."

He seemed genuinely concerned and his mood had seemed to have shifted but that thought didn't seem to stop me.

"Fine." I huffed myself, at him. It just came out of me and I couldn't stop it.

I was just…I was just… Ahhg I didn't know. Pissed off? My emotions seemed to struggle.

His face faltered slightly at my tone but he tried to hide it.

"Sit down." he told me firmly, his colder tone back.

I swayed to the side before I found my seat and the look of concern was written over his face again as he knelt down in front of me.

"Are you ok?" he stated as if I was stupid.

"…Fine." he cut in with the tone I had gave him moments before, before I could get any words out. "But how are you really?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Dizzy." I was being difficult and he had been. It was just generally a really pissy way to start a holiday.

He checked me over, more the doctor in him than Edward.

"You just need to try and eat a little more and try and keep it down. I know it's not always easy." he told me as he stroked my cheek with the backs of his fingers.

He was being nice again.

I let myself have it, relaxing into his touch as he sat next to me and pulled me down on to him. I eased into his lap, my head resting there as he stroked my hair. I had hardly been up for any time but I felt tired again. Mostly from lack of food. I knew he was right. I needed to keep more of it down or I would begin to really struggle.

I felt my lids grow heavier as I fell asleep on him, _my_ Edward comforting me.

* * *

The journey had been hellish but Edward had held me in close to him the entire way and it helped sooth me a little more. I used his zipped hoodie to cover my nose as they passed the food out to the passengers. I refused any and so did Edward.

It was another sore point with me. I was mad at him for not taking it but he had brought some things that he could eat that wouldn't disgust me and I relaxed a little as I watched him eat up. He even managed to get me to eat a powdered dough nut and I could feel it hit off my empty stomach but it made me feel a little better. I wanted more but was to afraid of being sick again so I refused much to Edwards annoyance.

It was ridiculous, the tiny, insignificant things were getting to each other and we couldn't even get away from one another. There was defiantly a 'time out' needed for us both but with the anxiety I knew Edward would be harbouring and his concern for me, we clutched onto one another.

We had finally made it to the hotel and I had found out Edward had booked some luxurious suit that so wasn't needed for just us two, but it was nice and I kept my mouth quiet at his gesture.

He explained that he had considered sending me with Alice and Rose so he had booked an even larger suit but he kept it because he didn't assume that we were going to share a bed. The suite had two bedrooms.

By the time he had explained all this though I was stretched out on the bed enjoying the comfort and I couldn't be bothered with going back down and demanding that he change it.

I did however, want him with me, in my bed. I didn't know if we would make love but I needed him. All day we had huffed and pushed one another away while all the time gripping on to each other. We wouldn't have made it thought the rigmarole at the airport and the journey its self without the other. I didn't want to let go of him for that alone.

I looked up at him from the bed, he leaned against the door frame with his backpack on his shoulder and his arms crossed but a small smile played on his lips.

"What you smiling at?" I asked as I kicked off my trainers.

"You. You look better."

"I feel better." I did. The stale stagnant smell of the recycled air was gone and it was filled with fresh freesias that filled a vase on a table in the bedroom.

"But I would feel better if you were lying with me." I patted the space next to me inviting him over.

"I…You…I'll." he sighed. He looked lost and I sat up.

"You are staying here." I paused. ""If…if you want too?" now it was me who wasn't to sure of there words. Maybe he wanted to go slower.

He let his bag fall to the floor before running the few steps and jumping onto me, stabling himself with his arms so not to actually crash into me.

He cupped my face and I could have died from the tenderness he held.

"I always want to stay with you, I never want to leave you." His nose rubbed gingerly against my cheek before he whispered in my ear. "I never want to leave you even if it's only to go to work. I love you, so much."

I pulled away from him and looked up into his eyes. He was so honest, it sometimes made me scared. He would try to do anything for me and I knew that but I worried that he was only pushing himself this far, agreeing to have the baby, so he could have me.

"I love you, too." I told him with complete certainty and I only hoped that he really was ready for everything that was going to happen. I knew there had yet to be the true realization of what was happening.

_We were having a baby_

They were only words and a mark on a piece of paper, which Edward hadn't even seen, but there was also something growing inside of me. I struggled to take it in myself, let alone Edward, but I knew when he did, I couldn't be certain of his reaction.

"I'm tired." I told him softly and he only nodded at my words as he reached my top and pulled it off gently. He helped undress me before he reached for his bag and pulling out a large t-shirt for me to wear. I smiled at him knowing he packed it especially for me.

Stripping down to his boxers he crawled into the bed beside me and pulled me into him, my back against his chest. It was heaven and I had missed it so much. I needed him like I needed air. I knew that tonight I would finally sleep like I had needed too.

"I'm sorry." he whispered into my hair before he kissed the spot at the side of my head.

I was confused. "For what?" I asked in the same tone as him.

"Everything…for it all, for the fall out, for my mood today, for snapping at you for your bag."

I shrugged. It was over with now. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does. don't take that from me again, please don't let me do that again. Any of it, ok?"

I turned around to face him, I could see his eyes shine in the darkness, all they were, were two little white dots.

"Edward, you need to make your own decisions. I'm not chasing you. You are old enough to deal with your responsibilities. Deal with them." I demanded.

He nodded solemnly at my words. "Just, I don't always do what's right, not straight away. I might have lost you for good." he kissed my head gently.

"What about the baby?" I asked.

"What about them?"

"Were you worried you would lose them too?"

He stayed quiet as I fought with the dark to try and see the look on his face.

"Were you worried?" I pushed.

He shook his head slightly before he let out an aggravated sigh. "Bella, do you want to hear this? Do you really?"

I knew I didn't, but I had too, I had to understand his mindset on this.

"Yes." I told him strongly.

I sat up in bed and reached for the lamp, turning it on. "Tell me." I demanded.

He squinted in the light but sat up and leaned into me, reaching for my hand.

"I love you. I will do anything for you but this is hard for me. I know what can happen. I know you understand. Fuck, you're the only one that ever has, but I worry that they don't have a 'Bella', that they will be just like me but alone." his words circled my head, his argument coming at me again. "I just don't want them to ever feel like me, promise me that wont happen and I'll believe you." the look on his face was heartbreaking and I could see the glisten of unshed tears in his eyes. "I will believe you if you promise me that if they have my condition we will do everything we can so that they don't end up like me. I know I sound like a selfish prick, I have a good life, I have you, I have my family, I have my job but I know how I can feel." he trailed off and he seemed to slump into the pillows.

Depression, anxiety, mood swings and his ability to change from person to person could be terrifying when it happened but it was him, it was always what I knew of him and I still loved him, he could never deter my love for him, not ever.

The day I took Edward Cullen on as my own, the day we let go of our walls and the world saw us, was the day I would never give up on him. Him or any part of him.

"I love you, and I love everything about you." he scoffed at my words. "I told you once I would never give up on you, that I wouldn't let you fight me away, and I haven't. You fought away something I couldn't give up and you compromised my words to you, but if you love them like you do me, I promise, I swear we will never part again."

"I'm struggling…" he croaked out, he seemed almost ashamed to say it.

"I know." I knew he was, but I also knew he was still trying and as long as he was still trying, there was still hope.

"I want a baby, I want this baby, I just don't want them to be me."

"And if they are?" I asked, because I did worry how he would cope with that thought.

"I'll will love them as if they were just like you."

I smiled at his words and he did too.

"I'm so scared though, so scared that I ever hurt them." he admitted.

"You won't." I said without doubt.

"My temper though-"

"We will deal with it when it happens but you will not hurt this child. I know you couldn't. Have you ever even looked at yourself around children?"

He was always so sweet with them. It was as if the little Edward, the introvert was looking for a friend. The boy in him wanting to relive a life with a new friend.

He shook his head. "You are so gentle and caring. You talk to them with ease and play about as if you were on there level."

He of course scoffed at my words "I'm probably more on there level than I' am on yours."

I shrugged nonchalantly "Probably." and laughed. "But you will be fine." I tried to reassure him with a more serious tone.

I crawled over the space between us, to him and pressed him on to his back and straddled him before gripping my arms around his neck and cuddling into him, my face in the crook of his neck.

"I could sleep like this." I mumbled into him, his warms scent blowing back up in to my face.

"Me too."

I felt his shift along, reaching for the lamp and turning it off before his arms clasped around my waist tightly.

We fell asleep like that, me breathing in his intoxicating scent that lulled me in to the most restful nights sleep I had had in the past two weeks.

* * *

**EPOV**

She was laughing

And Christ, she wore the biggest smile I had saw in a long time.

It was a nice day and it was dry so we took advantage and picked up some food to take to Central Park. I could see the irony in it. Seattle was filled with parks and green surrounded all the outlying areas but we hadn't done this in ages. We hadn't just went to enjoy it and sit back and relax.

Now we were in one of the busiest Cities in the country and this is what we were doing. But I didn't care, because Bella was smiling.

We lay out in the grass holding one another's hands as I looked over her, leaning on my elbow.

I reached down and kissed her lips so lightly, it was the first kiss I had from her since we arrived and I craved more, I craved everything from her.

Waking up to find her still lying on top of me was the best way to wake up ever. And she was wearing my t-shirt to boot. Her legs were tangled up in mine and with her bed head hair state she looked ravishing. That's all I wanted to do to her in that moment but I bit back the urge and gently peeled her off of me before I went to shower, leaving her more time to rest.

"Alice's face was just total shock, her mouth hanging open." she told me with a small giggle coming from her after my small kiss.

She sighed, contently. I could feel how relaxed she was after yesterday. It was a nightmare, we had snipped at one another constantly but at the same time I didn't want to let go of her, I needed her close for my own comfort and I knew she needed someone to lean into as she struggled. She had morning sickness and it was concerning me, we passed meat a lot and every time it would have an effect on her and she would lose her stomach contents.

I knew it would pass, I just didn't want to see her struggle as her energy levels sometimes seemed to dip down.

Right now she was high, high on sugar. We had found a vendor making doughnuts and she had just scoffed four powdered ones. She almost inhaled them she had ate them so quickly but they gave her a little glow in her face and she seemed to get some energy.

I had three and I struggled to eat all of them but she had more for later. If it was what made her feel better I would learn how to cook them myself.

"So, what do you want to do tonight?" I asked as I looked up at the sky, the blue looking more a dark grey now.

She followed my look and laughed as the first drops of rain began to fall down.

"I think we should concentrate on getting out of here first." We had nothing to protect us from the rain, even our jackets were flimsy and would do nothing for us, not really.

I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay in our little haven for a little bit longer. Just to hear her laugh a little bit more.

I nodded knowing we really should try to head somewhere else.

I jumped to my feet and pulled on Bella's hand, pulling her up to her feet also.

Just then the heavens opened and the downpour began, it didn't phase her though, she only laughed harder at ourselves as we fast became soaked.

I pulled on her hand tugging her forward and making a quick run out of the park but she stopped me after a few moments and pulled me to her, reaching up and kissing my lips.

I felt the heavy drops hit off my nose and cheeks and I could feel the moisture travelling through my hair.

I pulled back from her, half wanting to have her dry and the other half of me wanting to enjoy the view of her wet hair and the wet exposed part of t-shirt becoming transparent.

I gave into temptation and kissed her back hard, I felt her tongue push into mine and I consumed her, tasting the sweet sugar that still traced her mouth. It was great and my need for her was growing. I pulled her into me, gripping on to her bottom and pulling her further into my crotch.

She pulled away and I gave into her hesitantly, looking up at me her eyes sparkled with something I knew I needed. She was breathless from our kiss but I had to have her and it had to be now.

"Come on." I whispered into her hair and tugged her back though the park and back to our hotel.

We jogged the entire journey but she still kept laughing. I didn't know if it was at my desperation or the fact we were both now soaking wet but I didn't care. Things were getting back to normal and I needed that just as much as I needed Bella.

I stopped briefly at the entrance, pulling her jacket closed to hide her exposed bra below her top. No one had a chance to fix there eyes on us as we ran through the streets but I was damned if anyone was getting the chance to try it now. No one was getting to see her underwear, no one but me - even if it was though a soaked t-shirt. That imaged alone would keep me going for months, never mind some other passing pervert.

Walking in I was called "Mister Cullen?"

I looked up to the man behind the reception. They had only remembered my name because of the amount of money I was spending on one of there suites, if it was only a room I had booked they wouldn't know me from Adam.

Pausing I stopped to acknowledge him. I didn't know what he wanted.

"Would you and your guest like anything brought up to your room?"

I shook my head and told him no thanks as I quickly continued on the path to the lifts.

Walking in to our suite I pulled at her jacket, removing it, as she removed mine.

"I love you." I murmured into her lips. I wanted her to know exactly how I felt, I knew I said it constantly but after everything, I didn't want her to doubt it.

"I love you." she told me back, her breath shaky.

We stripped one another down quickly, peeling off our wet clothes in the lounge of the suite before I pulled at her thighs, lifting her up and I felt her naked centre against my lower torso as I carried her through to the bedroom we had been sleeping in.

The warm sensation had me hard and I needed her but I was going to wait. I was going to shower her with affection.

She shivered in my arms, her damp hair and skin still cold in the warm room.

I threw back the corner of the covers before I placed her down into the mattress. She didn't let go of me, her legs still wrapped around my waist but she slid up and down and I could feel her against me again, the sensation sending a shock through me.

I slid her further up into her bed and combed her hair back with my fingers as I blanketed myself over her top half and pulling the duvet down with me, warming her up.

She reached for my hair and pulled me to her, kissing me so deeply. It was as if she was making up for all the time we had been apart.

I gently pulled at her legs from behind me and let myself slide down her, kissing her neck, her breasts and her navel. She moaned out and I let my tongue travel along the journey from her belly button, down. I could taste her skin as I neared further to her centre as I disappeared below the covers, all the time her hands still griped at my hair.

"Edward…" she almost groaned. She was needing me too. She needed the normalcy and loving just like I did.

I ignored her call as I passed other the outer edge of her centre and continued down, along the inside of her thigh.

She gripped at my hair tighter, I didn't know if it was becoming to much for her but I wasn't stopping. I wasn't going to have her until I had her begging. As much as I hated the though of her ever doing that, as long as it was to have me inside her I accepted it.

I let my fingertips graze the skin of her outer thighs as I placed small wet kisses along the inside of her leg, I could feel her squirm and she tugged at my hair again.

For someone always being so concerned about me pulling at my own hair she wasn't giving much of a damn about it now. I wanted to laugh but instead I continued to tease her more.

I shuffled further below the covers and found myself in complete darkness as I kissed all the way down her leg before slowly making my way back up with my tongue.

I stopped as I reached her centre again, the heat radiating from her. I lightly flicked the tip of my tongue across her clit and she bucked below me, bringing her closer to me.

I lifter her backside off of the bed a little and brought her closer to me. I felt her fingers grip back into my hair now I was in reach to her hands again.

I blew lightly across the warm skin and she shuffled in my hands.

"Edward…." she groaned again. I chuckled slightly at her tone, she was the one that was always laid back but when it came to us making love, she was always so needy and in a rush, I loved to tease her.

I ran my finger down her wet folds before I pushed my finger into her, her bucking once again and giving out a moan.

I retracted it almost instantly and for it she gave another needing tug on my hair, letting me know she needed more.

I kissed down on her, small light kissed all down her folds and everything about her was intoxicating just like her mouth had been, the taste, the warmth…

I let my tongue swirl around the are a little longer as she began to cry out for more.

I was needing her, and she was needing me and despite wanting to make this last longer, our time apart had made us more desperate than I had realized. I couldn't last any longer without her.

I shifted up the bed and continued to kiss her on my way up and stopped at her lips, savouring her luscious lips once more.

I parted her legs wide and plunged myself in because I knew she was ready for me.

She only groaned out in relief that I filled her once again. She pushed forward, into me and I pressed my self further into her, easing in before I slowly eased out.

"Fuck…" I growled in her ear, I couldn't take it. I was going to last no time at all with her, I tried to get my mind to calm down, to slow down, but she clenched herself around my dick and my concentration and my desire almost went with it.

"Easy…" I warned her but all she did was giggle below me, she knew exactly what she was doing and what I was struggling with, she did it often when I knew I was going to last no time, she pushed me on because she told me she liked that she knew she could do that to me, that she could make me cum so fast because I needed her.

She wiggled below me and I gripped on hard to her hips trying to still her. "Christ, Bella, you are going to kill me." she laughed some more as I panted for the air I was needing to refrain from exploding.

Her only reaction to me stilling her was to clamp down on my dick again.

I sighed resting my forehead against hers. "Do that again and I'll make you suffer." I tried to hold the laugh in as I threatened her with more teasing.

"I'd like to see you try, sunshine." her voice was laced with lust and the sound alone could have had me. She locked her legs around my back, showing me I wasn't going anywhere.

I licked my lips, desperate for her.

Tugging on my hair, we began to slowly move in rhythm again. She began to speed up and I fought with her to try to slow down.

Christ I was on the edge and she war ready for pushing me off.

_Just like usual_

I wanted to go with her, I wanted us to slip from the edge together but she was going to make me go it alone.

I knew she loved to know she could control that part of me at times, that when I was desperate enough she could topple me over so easily.

"Just go with it." she whispered into my ear.

I gave in, gave in to what she wanted and gave into trying to hold off.

We rocked together and I could feel myself grip onto her skin, I bit down on her shoulder feeling all I had for her leave me.

I could feel her grip me back just as firm as she continued to move against me, teasing me when she knew I was done. I groaned against her skin and tried to hold her still once again. She eventually settled when she felt me stilling and slumping against her.

She pulled me into her, her arms wrapped around my shoulders so I couldn't pull away from her, my weight against her. It was the way she liked it the best, my weight on her.

I hated the thought of me against her like that so she would always hold me tight so I couldn't escape her.

I breathed in her scent in the crook of her neck, perspiration on her.

She was yet to get any real pleasure but as soon as I caught my breath it was going to be all about her.

* * *

**BPOV**

We had made love all day.

Ever since we had stepped back into the room soaked from out visit to the park we had been in bed pleasing one another.

I finally felt somewhat sated after being with him for hours, I would always need and want Edward but after our hours together I felt like we were back on some common ground. We were satisfied and our brains were a little more able to work through the things we needed too without being distracted by our wants.

I felt his nose skim across the back of my neck and it sent a shiver down my spine, he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me closer into him.

"I love you." he told me.

He always told me. He was always so constant with those words but I did feel slightly guilty that he usually spoke them first. I didn't love him any less, he just seemed to need to tell me more. I think to reassure me but he didn't need to. I knew he loved me and that he always would.

"I love you, too, Edward." I told him back as I brought up his arm that war wrapped around my waist, to my mouth. I kissed the palm of his hand before pulling it up further, resting my face against his palm.

"You hungry?" he asked as his stomach growled. Clearly he was.

I laughed and so did he. "I think you need the food more than I do."

"Yeh, well you had more of those damn doughnuts." he teased.

"You're just jealous that I have a plausible excuse to eat all that crap now and you don't." I turned around before gently slapping him across the stomach. "My belly is meant to get bigger." I laughed as his face dropped at my words as he looked down.

"Hey, I have heard no complaints before." he leaned down and kissed my lips quickly.

I had no complaints, he was perfection. I was only jealous because he _could_ eat all that crap without it affecting his waist line.

Getting out of bed he reached for his bag and raked through it before pulling out a pair of boxers and putting them on and then throwing his huge t-shirt my way after picking it up on the table from where I left it behind me this morning.

"I was thinking maybe a nice pork chop…" he hummed knowing fine well the effect even the words had on me.

I shivered in disgust as I threw a pillow at him but he quickly dodged it.

"You bring any meat into here and you will be staying here yourself." I warned.

He held up his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, okay, pasta it is. Lets face it, I could do with the calories after all that." he nodded to the bed and I laughed and felt my cheeks flush.

He walked over to the bed and crawled over it to sit in front of me. "You know, I love that pink you blush. It makes me want you."

"Seriously? Again?!" I asked a little shocked. I was exhausted.

He laughed as he kissed my lips. "Okay, not quite just now." he pulled away from me and off the bed. "Later." he winked, before he headed through to the lounge.

He appeared a few moments later with a menu for room service.

"We can't eat out now?" I asked him. Were we to spend the whole time in this apartment. We had been here almost a full twenty-four hours and we had been out for about two and a half of them.

"I can eat out - you can't." he told me firmly. He had a point, any restaurant would have meat and any smell of meat would have me running for the bathroom.

I nodded knowing he was right. "But we can go out later, right?" I asked, hopeful.

"We can do whatever you want to do, Bella."

I smiled at him knowing he would do anything for me, and anything that would make me happy.

**

* * *

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**a/n: Remember, there in NY for a reason…. Please Review. **


	14. Chapter 13

**_a/n: ok so I'm back again. My brain is slowly getting back up to speed - it's been a busy couple of weeks and I need some down time but it aint for happening and my brain is fried!_**

**_Over 400 reviews = It's hammer time!! lol_**

_**EPOV allllll the way today!!**_

* * *

**Chapter 13**

**EPOV**

We never made it out last night.

Bella was happy to stay in and we curled up together on the couch in the lounge and watched television. I knew we were wasting our time in New York but I had missed this. I had missed Bella lying in front of me, our legs and arms entwined with one another's. It felt just like it should and we both were content to just relax with one another like we did.

Bella was tired though and we had both had been in bed and sleeping by eleven o'clock.

Looking down at her she was still sleeping soundly. She hadn't noticed me leave the room to take care of the things I needed too and I was thankful I could avoid her questioning and not ruin the surprise.

I needed her to wake up though. It was almost ten and she had been out cold for almost eleven hours. I was impressed.

"Bella…" I whispered into her ear, kissing her on the cheek.

She stirred below my lips but stilled almost instantly again.

"Bellaaaa…" I whispered into her ear, this time kissing her on the nose.

She swiped at the spot my lips had been on and stilled again.

"Hey, birthday girl. Wake up." I told her a bit more firmly as I gave her a gentle shove.

She shook her head, she was awake but she was playing on it.

"Wake up…" I nudged her again and she shifted her head below her pillow.

I laughed hard. This was her reaction every year. She hated her birthday. It wasn't that she minded getting older, it was the fact that attention was shown to her. She liked to try to get us to forget all about it but we never did. I never could.

I pulled at the pillow and threw it across the room along with the others as I straddled her legs.

She squirmed below me knowing exactly how this was going to go, _how it always went._

"You have two choices, presents…or sex." I told her.

She had tried to hide her face with her arms but I pined them down by the sides of her head.

"Neither." she told me firmly but she couldn't hide that small smile playing her lips.

"Nope, wrong answer. Presents or sex?" I asked again trying to stifle a laugh.

I knew what she would pick, she always picked sex but she never got it. I always forced the presents on to her.

"Sex." she called out laughing.

"Hmmm." I jokingly debated. "Sorry, not just now. But I have a present."

She huffed below me and tried to wriggle out of my grasp. "I told you, no presents." she did tell me no presents, but I never listened.

"Bella, you have been telling me that for the past eight birthdays previous that we have spent together and I never listen, why would I start now?"

She sighed again, "Fine, if you get off of me I'll take it."

I got up off of her and reached for the box on the bed and passed it to her with a kiss.

She took the kiss but refused the box, looking at it warily.

"Jewellery?" She questioned, she didn't seem mad but she didn't look happy either.

"I thought you would like it." I answered her, feeling a little deflated.

"I told you, stop wasting your money on me." she huffed.

"Are you just going to be pissy all day or is this expected to end soon?" I asked half joking and half serious. She could be so stubborn at her birthday. It wasn't as if she was ungrateful, she just didn't like accepting gifts, especially if they came from me. And frankly, that pissed me off, but I fought with the thought and swallowed it down.

She chewed down on her lip before apologising with a mumbled "Sorry."

I pulled her lip out from between her teeth and kissed her on the lips again, accepting her apology.

She tore at the paper opening up the box revealing the necklace I had bought her.

I Jumped in before she had a chance to speak. "It's the three rings of luck." it was three little white gold and diamond rings looped through a white gold chain. "It represents, health, wealth and happiness." I smiled down at her.

She nodded, taking in my words. I knew she would be annoyed at me buying it and I knew she would know it was diamonds so I quickly explained. "I saw it when we weren't together, when you were at my mums. I thought it represented me and you and…and the baby. A ring for each of us." I swallowed hard.

It had made me think about the three of us, the difficulty I was having and the thoughts I had. I had saw it not long after I had spoken to my father, the day after he had taken me into the special baby intensive care unit.

I couldn't help but think about the little baby girl with the wires and tubes and what she represented.

_Difficulties_

We all had them, nothing was more certain in life than that we were going to come up against them at sometime in our life.

I had stepped through many with my illness and even Bella and I had stepped through them with our relationship.

But we were here and whatever difficulties our baby had, I knew we would stand by them as best as we could, just like my mother and father had done for me.

She looked up at me, hesitant to meet my eyes it seemed. "Did you really think about the baby?" she asked in a little shocked.

I nodded, "I needed time…I still do. But…" I sighed

"You're trying…" she smiled up at me and I nodded at her words. "Thank you." she told me. "For the present and the thought behind it."

I shrugged.

"It means a lot that you have been thinking about it all on your own and not just when I bring it up."

I sighed again. "I think about it all the time, the thoughts just weren't always good ones but they were still in my head. I tried to see it your way from the start but I just couldn't. I'm beginning to see it clearer…" I trailed off.

She reached forward and kissed me passionately but chastely. "I love you." she told me and I knew she did.

She looked back down at the rings again before looking up at me. "Can you put it on me?" she smiled, and I was just glad she was accepting of my words and the gift.

* * *

She fixed herself in the mirror and I saw her pause as she looked down at the necklace and played with the little rings on the chain.

She turned around to me as she saw me looking, watching her. "Did you really think about the three of us?"

I shrugged. I had. "I saw it and what it represented."

"Health, wealth and happiness?" she questioned.

"It means that, but I also saw it as the past, the present and the future. I saw that you are my past, you are my present and you are my future," I reached forward hesitantly, I wanted to place my hand on her but I didn't feel I deserved that right. I pulled it back and fisted it. "and so is that one." I nodded to her stomach, her hand going to it instantly and I hated that she was able to do that and I couldn't. I wanted to place my hand on the baby. To try and help take it all in.

She must have caught my hesitance because she reached for my hand and unclasping it from it's fist. She made a move to rest my hand where hers had been but I pulled back and away from her.

"We should go." I told her as I headed for the lounge and I tried to put that look she wore out of my mind. She was hurt that I had pulled back but I was unsure of my feelings on the whole matter. My mind was conflicted, it battled from one choice to another. But I knew what I wanted.

"Where are we going?" she asked confused.

"We are going to see New York City." I told her as I placed the smile back on my face once again.

She reached me in a few short strides and took my hand as we left the suite.

I wanted her to have a good day. I wanted her to see the city and I wanted her to know that despite my apprehension that I had shown, I was with her, I was by her side through the pregnancy and everything else.

I wanted to take her to see the sights and I wanted to take her shopping and lavish her with gifts, but this being Bella, the shopping was out.

We made it all the way to the top of the Empire State building and looked down at the city around us. It was a mass of concrete, not to dissimilar from Seattle but it still seemed so much more suffocating. The park was the only real piece of green there was.

She shivered with the wind at the top and I wrapped my arms across her chest trying to keep her warm as we looked out at the sight. It was actually breathtaking and the clear sky lit up the city below us.

I felt that her hands were cold as I clasped on to her and I immediately suggested we go for some lunch.

We stopped at a Starbucks. It wasn't the most exciting of places to stop for food and I felt a little ashamed of myself talking Bella there on her birthday of all places, but I knew it was a safe bet. The scent of coffee would drown out any hint of meat on the premises and she really needed a hot drink to warm her up, beside I knew she loved it and I wouldn't get a complaint out of her. That could come later when she would see what I had managed to arrange for her.

We sat back, slumped into a leather couch as we watched the city buzz by us. It was good and relaxing and we laughed and talked about anything and everything. The only thing she didn't mention was the baby.

I had caught Bella playing with her necklace on a few occasions and I couldn't help but notice the confused look on her face as she did. Like she was thinking about what I said about the necklace. I suppose I should be happy that she seemed taken by it but it seemed as if there was something off.

Continuing around the city we went to more of the highlights and anytime I tried talking Bella into looking in a shop she pulled me away, obviously very aware of my plans to try and buy her more things. It was beginning to annoy the hell out of me, why couldn't she just accept a god damn gift. We had been together for almost ten years and she still refused me like she did.

We walked through the park once again, eating more of those damn powdered doughnuts and I couldn't help but notice a craving or something she had to them.

She had always liked them. It was the first thing she had forced me to eat back in college one day when she was worried I hadn't ate enough to keep me going.

I remembered the day. It was the day after she had cried herself to sleep on me after she had argued to Jacob about her drink driving. It was crystal clear in my memory. It was the first time she had really pushed herself onto me, her presence and I knew that day I was done for, she had chipped away at my wall ever since.

The grass was thankfully dry after yesterdays little downpour and we lay sprawled out on the grass once again, Bella lying out with her head on my stomach.

She once again played with the little rings on the necklace and I asked her if she liked it.

"I do." she sighed, it wasn't a really good sigh though, she was thinking.

"But what?" I asked, because I knew there was a but.

"Did you really think about the three of us?" she asked the question she had asked me earlier as she fix herself.

"Yeh, why?" did she not believe me?

"Why were you thinking about us, when looking at something like that?"

I knew exactly the reason I had looked for it.

I had been looking in a shop window needing some flicker of inspiration, something to get for my love, but I saw nothing.

I looked down at the engagement and wedding rings remembering that Bella still had the one I had proposed with.

It was my mothers and I trusted her with it but it still didn't stop me from looking.

I was going to marry her one day. I knew I would. I just didn't know when I would find the balls to do it again, especially after my massive cock up of it the last time.

I had used it as a bargaining chip and it would take Bella a long time to forget that, that I ruined it for her.

But none the less, I looked at the rings and saw a Russian wedding band, the three rings symbolizing the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

I wasn't particularly religious but I couldn't help but think of Bella as my Holy Spirit. She was my wind, my breath, my soul. She was the reason for my existence. Without her, I wouldn't be, at least not like how I was, not with out her by my side.

But I had a ring, well, Bella had it at least. She never wore it and she never spoke of it but she still had it, though I had yet to ask her to promise me to herself again.

So, I didn't need a ring. But I still liked what it represented. I was going to be a father and I suppose we were going to have a son, or whatever sex of the baby was, but we were going to have a child.

I saw the necklace in the window after a few moments of looking and the woman explained it to me as health, wealth and happiness.

Bella was my health, she kept me strong and my mind focused, she was my wealth, her love for me was never ending and happiness is what she had brought into my lonely world all those years ago.

The woman spoke of it also meaning the past, the present and the future. All of those things, Bella was also but I still saw it as her, as my Holy Spirit.

She was everything to me, every emotion, every good that came from me was because of her.

I explained to her and she looked back at me more than a little shocked by my explanation.

I had to give her something significant, something that showed her exactly what she was to me.

She was my health, wealth and happiness. She was my past, present and future, but most of all, she was my Holy Spirit

_She was my Angel Gabriel_

She smiled up at me, at my words, and the questioning look she held was gone.

This woman meant more to me than anything in the whole word and I would do anything for her, anything she asked of me.

Even this.

* * *

I held the box out to her knowing it would fit. Alice was brilliant at sizing up people, and Bella, she knew her measurements inside and out.

It was her present from Alice and Jasper and as much as I knew Alice was a little annoyed that she didn't get to dress her up in it, she was happy that she would wear it and just in time, before the baby really began to grow.

"It's from Alice." I told her and she chewed on her lip nervously. I knew she would like it. She wore the style of dress frequently.

She opened the box and lifted out the shift dress. It was black with the back cut out and lace surrounding the opening.

It exposed her creamy flesh to perfection, it contrasting off of the black material.

She smiled at it, liking it. She knew it would fit and she silently headed to change in the bathroom, alone.

Coming out she had paired it with a simple pair of black pointy high heels. It was short too and with the heels, it made her legs look like they went on for forever.

I was gob smacked at how she looked. It nipped perfectly on her tiny waist and I could have had her against the wall right there.

She assessed herself in the mirror, gently pulling on her necklace and letting it fall down on top of the black material. It was simple and it was perfect.

She had teamed it with a silver cuff and wore her usual moon stone ring that she had always wore from when in college. She never parted with that damn ring, even for it to be cleaned, she had to sit and watch it be done in person.

"Wow" is all I could mumbled out. I was stunned, she certainly still had it, and she always would.

She stepped forward, some confidence coming from her but she stumbled forward in her heels and reddened instantly as I grabbed hold of her.

I laughed, age would never change her, she was still a calamity. "Easy there, Bambi." I winked at her and she playfully slapped my chest.

"Leggy and unbalanced, that is definitely you." I teased her.

"Be quiet." she sighed in amusement.

"Are you ready for dinner, my Lady?" I asked as I stuck out an arm for her to take hold of.

"Ready as I'll ever be. Let's just hope I don't start throwing up." she laughed.

"You don't need to worry about that, trust me." she looked confused at my words but I didn't speak as we headed for the door.

Our cab pulled up outside the fine restaurant all of ten minutes later and I spoke took the maitradee to the side, silently explaining it was I who had called ahead.

"No problem, sir." he nodded to me, directing Bella and I through the restaurant up a flight of stairs and out to an empty veranda.

I pulled out Bella's chair, only a little concerned that she was outside in a small dress in New York in the middle of September.

I had called ahead and asked for private space outside, for the smell of meat to try to be kept away from us and for plenty of outside heaters so that Bella didn't feel the cold.

Everything was perfect and she was getting to enjoy a meal outside of our hotel room and not just in the park.

She looked around her with a small amused smile on her face. "You really did think of everything, didn't you?" she giggled into herself as the waiter asked her what she would like to drink.

She ordered a virgin strawberry colada and I laughed at her choice as I ordered a coke.

"It's my birthday. I get to order crazy cocktails." she blasted me as I rolled my eyes at her.

"Happy Birthday ma'am." the waiter chipped into our conversation and Bella thanked him.

"What the birthday girl wants, the birthday girl gets." I told her.

"So I see. I cant believe you did all of this." she looked around at our surrounding once again.

"I tried to make it as enjoyable as possible for you." I explained. She would have hated the effort I put in but she deserved it.

"Thank you, Edward. It does mean a lot." I noted the sincerity in her voice as she looked down at her menu.

"Are you cold?" I asked, worried that the heaters weren't enough for her. I would offer her my jacket.

She looked back up with a smile on her face. "I'm fine, in fact, I'm perfect, the whole day has been great." I nodded at her words and looked down to my menu, her eyes going back down to hers.

She played about with her necklace once again and I couldn't help but smile at the image in my head when I told her why I had bought her it. She was taken aback by my story and words but everyone of them was true.

Today she had held down most of her food and you could see her skin glow with health at the obvious need her body got from it. She hadn't been sick since before we left the suite this morning and I hoped that it was subsiding, though I knew she still had a while before it would shift.

She made her way thought her meal, enjoying her starter, main course and dessert, the dessert we were supposed to share. I laughed at her as she knocked back the chocolate cake. It felt good to see her actually enjoying food and not only trying to eat it in the hope that it would stay down.

"You looked like you enjoyed that, Love." I nodded to her finger trail across the plate getting all the tiny remains of the chocolate sauce off of it.

She blushed and smiled sheepishly as she sucked on her finger.

She didn't even realize what she was doing to me either, by doing that, I wanted her to do that to my finger.

It was getting late and no doubt she would be tired after her long day so I suggested we head back to the hotel.

She shook off my thoughts, demanding another virgin strawberry colada. I laughed at the look on her face and her tiny fist as she bounced it off of the table jokingly.

"Ok, fine. Just don't moan at me when your tired in the morning." I joked.

The waiter came back out and I ordered another two of Bella's cocktails, one for her and one for me.

They were pretty damn good for a girly drink and before we knew it we were having another round of them.

The staff left us in peace and we looked down onto the street below us enjoying our night together.

_Everything was just perfect._

Eventually we gave up the ghost and called it a night. We strolled through the streets hand in hand walking back to the hotel at the request of Bella. It was a nice night and I placed my jacket across her shoulders just to make sure she stayed warm.

Walking by a baby store, Bella stopped and jumped at the view in front of her.

Little baby Converse shoes.

"Aww, there so cute." she chimed, her face complete awe of the little shoes.

I had to laugh at her tone, I had never heard her talk about clothes like that before "Since when did you become Alice?" I joked and she slapped the back of her hand off of my chest.

They were kinda cute.

Looking up at them I thought about the little baby that would fill them. That little human, so small and delicate, they would wobble around in on them before falling down onto there nappy covered backside.

That little human was going to be mine and they were going to fill shoes just like that.

I pointed to the little black ones, just like the ones that Bella had worn in college. "There just like yours." I laughed in amazement, thinking of a little Bella filling, little Bella shoes.

She grasped on to my hand, hard. "Promise me we will come back and get a pair. In the morning? Promise?"

I nodded "What ones thought?" There were so many colours.

She shrugged a little indecisively but her smile never faltered. "I don't know."

I had to have the black ones. "The black ones, the ones just like you wore in college." That was it decided. There wasn't any other choice. They had to match Bella's old ones.

The thought of the little baby that would fill those shoes was growing inside of Bella right now. The were tiny right now, the could live in the damn shoes, but one day, one day they were going to fill them. And even though the shoes were tiny, even though I would barely manage to fit two of my fingers into them, they felt huge. My responsibility for something that tiny, it was enormous.

I looked down at Bella and every emotion ran through me, the fear, the panic, the love… They all consumed me but I knew with Bella by my side that we would get through it, like she had got me through everything else.

She smiled as she looked into the window display, her fingers reaching out for the little tiny baby converse that I promised to buy her first thing in the morning.

I didn't know where the words came from, all I knew was that in that moment, they felt right.

"Marry me?" I asked.

Bella doubled did a double take between me and the window, her face turning to shock.

"Wh…What?" she gasped out.

"Marry me?" I asked her again. Fuck it, I didn't have a damn ring, I had nothing to give to her in this moment but I knew I had one for her, the one I had pictured her wearing for forever.

I looked down at her hand, her ring finger bare and she dropped my hand.

I looked up, the shock still on her face. "How…how could you?" she asked as she backed away.

"Bella?" I asked confused, but before I could get an answer from her she had sprinted off in the opposite direction.

I called on her as I chased her through the dark night streets, the pavements, empty.

"Bella." I cried out as I saw her disappear up some alleyway.

I caught up to the alley that she had turned into and ran into this figure holding on to her, she was being held by some man with his face half covered and a hood up.

I saw light bounce across into my eyes and it was then I noticed the knife he held up to her throat.

I held my hands up not having a clue what to do. He held Bella and in that moment, the perfect clarity I had moments ago was rushing all around me.

_Panic _

_Fear _

_Love_

I stepped forward, hoping to get hold of Bella but he stepped back and pushed the tip of the knife further into her neck.

The fear and the panic I had felt swirling around me and the love for Bella made me growl at him, trying to put the fear I felt, into him, but I was weak against him. I had nothing, nothing to fight him off with, no weapon and he held her life in his hands as if it were nothing.

He held the life of two.

I tried to ease my breath as I stepped back slightly, if I gave him all I had, I prayed he would leave us be.

"Okay, I'm going to get my wallet out, that's what you want right?" he nodded.

"One wrong move and I swear, she will get it." He gripped onto her hair, pulling her back a step again.

Tears poured out of her eyes and fear shone from them. She was so scared and there wasn't a damn thing I could do.

He reached out for my wallet and he demanded my watch and mobile phone too. I gave them up happily if it meant Bella was safe, nothing meant anything to me without her, not the expensive Rolex watch that I got for my eighteenth birthday and not any money in my bank account.

I passed them too him as he thrashed her about. "Hey," I demeaned, shouting at him. "Be careful, she is pregnant and I swear to god if you do anything to either one of them I will come after you." it was stupid to threaten him but watching him pull on her as if she was some rag doll infuriated me. If anything happened to her I was going after him, I didn't care if I was defenceless against him, he would be mine.

Bella stumbled in her heels as he started pulling on her, struggling to fight her jewellery off of her, along with her little bag she clutched on to.

She sobbed and I hoped it would catch some passer-bys attention but the city was never quiet enough to hear the sobs of Bella.

I looked at her, my gaze fixing on to her as hers fixed on to mine as he pulled on her. I had gave him everything I had and he had taken everything of Bella's.

He continued to pull her along with him as you could see him panicking and trying to find the quickest way out of the alley.

That would mean him passing me.

She stumbled backwards and into him again as she gripped at his arm looking for stability and release at the same time, panicked breaths and sobs echoing out of her chest.

"Will you fucking watch her." I growled at him. I wanted to jump at him the now. I wanted to hit him and I wanted to make him pay. I could feel my anger rise more and more and my only reason for not attacking him was because he still held that fucking knife to her throat.

"You shut up and do what I say or you don't get any of them." he was threatening me with both of there lives.

_I couldn't fight_

_I couldn't even try_

He was worthless but he wasn't worth the risk, not when he still held on to her.

I was useless, I was weak and powerless against him, with that knife in his hand.

He was weak scum that preyed on an innocent defenceless woman.

He was a sick bastard for ever making a threat against an unborn child and there mother.

He looked up he other way of the alley and saw his path was blocked, he was going to have to go through me.

He tugged on Bella and she sobbed harder, fearing for her life.

With one quick motion he had flung her up the alley and to the side, sending her tumbling in to wooden crates.

I didn't even stop to think about him, I let him run past me as I rushed to her side and pulling her into me.

"Bella, Bella." I called her name as I held her into me. I pulled her back assessing her and saw that her head had been bashed and that blood poured out from her forehead.

"Are you alright?" I was desperate for her just to nod, for her to be ok.

She sobbed hard and pulled her face into my chest as she nodded against me and I sighed, thankful she was ok.

I held her into me for a good five minutes before I tried to move her. I reached for my jacket that sat at the entrance of the alleyway, she must have lost it when he grabbed hold of her.

"Bella, baby, look at me." I pulled way form her again and she looked up, shattered and her face streaked with tears.

"You're going to be ok." I told her, reassuring her.

Her head rested against my chest once again her voice broken "Take me back to the hotel, please."

I lifted her up and into my arms and she rested her head onto my shoulder, walking away from the nightmare.

* * *

_**a/n: oh poor Bella. She is just constantly being slapped across the face right now. Who knew Eddie was such a soppy gett when he was all luved up!**_

_**Please review…xx**_


	15. Chapter 14

**_a/n: ok I feel like I'm back on the ball once again - I'm pretty happy with this chapter!! _**

**_Enjoy!! xx_**

* * *

**Chapter 14**

**BPOV**

All I could feel was Edward rubbing my arms. I couldn't feel anything else. I could barely think about anything else. The only feeling I had was the pain where I had bashed my head.

"Bella, Love, drink this." I could hear Edward order me, trying to place a hot cup in my had.

I shook my head, trying to get him to leave me alone.

I didn't want to be alone, I just wanted him to stop fussing over me.

"Bella, take it, its about the only thing you can take for shock." he was firm but I wasn't giving in. I didn't want it.

"You like tea." he tried to argue gently with me.

"No." it was the first word to come out of my mouth since we had left the alleyway and it came out barely as whisper.

He sighed, giving up.

"Do you want anything at all?" he asked as he tried to look me in the eyes, but I couldn't focus. I could see him, I just couldn't see his expression.

He went back to rubbing at my arms and I shrugged him off.

All I had felt in that alley was that mans arms wrapped around where Edward was rubbing, he wasn't making it go away, I felt dirty. I could smell the cigarette smoke on me from the man who had held the knife up at my throat.

He pressed it into my skin and I could feel it's cold metal trying to break the surface.

_I felt sick_

_I felt dirty _

"Bella, do you want anything?" he tried asking again. I think I nodded back in response.

"What do you want, Love?" he asked a little gentler.

I could hear the tired sound in his voice, he was trying but he wasn't getting anywhere with me. I just couldn't focus on anything.

"Bella, what do you want?" he was a little firmer this time.

"A bath." I eventually croaked out. I needed to wash the smell away, it was too strong for me.

"Ok, I'll run you a bath, I'll be just a second." he tried to look in my eyes again but I just looked over his shoulder, I tried to focus on something in the distance, through in the lounge.

He got up and left, I didn't want him to go and I tried to hold onto him but I couldn't even manage that. It was so weak he didn't even notice my attempt to keep him with me.

He was back almost instantly and he pulled me up from the bed, pulling me in the direction of the bathroom. I could hear the water running as we got closer.

He held me close into him, and he held me up because I knew I couldn't stand. My legs would have given way if I had tried to walk by myself.

He stood me up in the centre of the bathroom floor and pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me and beginning to unzip the back of my dress. He tugged it up over my head and let it fall to the floor before I heard a tiny dry laugh.

I somehow managed to focus on him for the first time, curious at what had made him make that sound.

"You still have your necklace, it must have been hidden under the neckline of your dress."

I looked past him, focusing on the mirror behind him and the light bounced off the glittering diamonds.

It was then I cracked.

Tears began streaming down my face and my legs buckled. Edward caught hold of me but eased me down on to the floor as I balled myself up.

I couldn't stop the tears.

The necklace took me back there, back to that dark alley and I was scared again, I was heart broken again.

Edward was the reason I had ended up there in the first place.

I wanted away from him.

_He was setting me up._

We looked in the window of the baby shop and in that moment he was asking me to choose again.

Him or the Baby

I felt his hands on me and I tried to shrug him off of me but I couldn't, I was too weak, just like I had been earlier.

He pulled me up off the floor and holding on to my almost naked body as he began to try to remove my underwear. My last piece of clothing I had on.

I had no strength, his arms pulled me in tight just like that beast in the alley.

I struggled to breath and I squirmed desperately in his arms in hope for the bath.

_I didn't want him near me._

Sobs passed through me, my breathing became more and more erratic. I knew because Edward kept telling me. He kept telling me to breath, to calm down.

He pulled me closer to the bath and helped lower me into the warmish water.

_I needed it hotter_

I needed it so hot that it burned every scent of that man off of me and Edwards scent too.

Reaching for the hot tap I turned it, opening it further, making Edward jump to his knees.

He reached for it, turning it off. "Bella its warm enough." he told me gently.

"I need it hotter. It's too cold." I felt the tears run down my face. It needed to be hot, it needed it to burn.

"You can't have it any warmer, you're pregnant, you have to be careful with that."

Wasn't that what he wanted? For me to just flush it away. Why was he so concerned now?

"Isn't that what you want?"

"What?" he asked confused.

"Don't play fucking dumb, Edward. I remember what you asked me earlier." I shouted, the anger boiling up in me, in that moment I didn't feel as scared.

"What?" he asked again, his face trying to cover, as if he didn't know what I was talking about.

"To get rid of my baby." I shouted again.

He stood up, pulling away from me "No, I never." his tone sounded like he believed his own lie.

"Yes. You. Did." I stated "You were making me choose again."

"When I asked you to marry me? Is that why you ran off like that?" he asked disbelieving.

"Tonight was your fault." I spat. "Why did you have to make me choose?"

He knelt back down in front of me again. "I didn't. I asked you to marry me. I love you Bella, I'm trying here."

"Don't give me any of your shit Edward. Do you think I never saw that look on your face this morning, when I tried to get you to put your hand on my stomach. Your hand was a fist and when I loosened it off you jumped away back in horror."

"Because, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to get that chance. My mind…" he sighed. Like he always did.

"Your mind is what, Edward? Hating the idea of a baby? You think you can sweep me off my feet pretending to be nice and that I won't be able to live without you so I do what you ask?" I shrieked. I wanted him to know that he would never get it like that. It was a set deal, no baby, no me.

He stood back up, walking through the door and slamming it behind him.

He instantly came crashing back through it. His face like thunder.

"Do you really think I could do that? That I could ask you that?" he questioned.

"Why not? You did it before." his face crumpled up in pain.

"What about the necklace? What about everything I told you?"

I reached for it, gripping my hand around it hard and pulling it, snapping the chain from around my neck before I threw it across the bathroom.

"You think that that can hide what you really think? What you really want to do? I can see what your playing at." I warned.

"Are you fucking high or something? Was there alcohol in your drinks earlier. Bella, think what the fuck you are saying." he yelled as he pulled at his hair.

"I know what I'm saying. You are a liar, Edward Cullen, I know you wouldn't just change your mind just like that, I saw your face this morning. It was as if you were disgusted or something."

He stomped over right to the bath and the look on his face scared me.

Had I pushed him too far?

"I am not a fucking liar, Bella. Don't you dare say that shit to me again, I am trying here. I am hanging on to the last piece of hope right now that I can get through this. My brain is ticking fucking constantly. You know my head is fighting me on this, you know that there is a constant argument. I told you that. I told you that the first night here and you said it was ok, you said you knew, you understood."

He stooped down closer to me before he grabbed old of my arm pulling me through the bath, right to his face.

"And yes, I was disgusted, I was disgusted at myself for ever asking that of you in the first place. I was disgusted with myself for everything I have said and done over this whole damn thing and I felt like I didn't deserve that, I didn't deserve that little bit contact because my mind had been so fucked up." his voice was loud and aggressive, it scared me.

_He was telling the truth._

But how couldn't I see it.

_I always saw it. _

I could always tell what was really going on.

He let go of my arm and stood up again, turning away from me, pulling his hair. He kicked the door and it slammed closed and I jumped with fright.

He crumpled to his knees, his back to me and I could hear him break down.

I had caused this

"Living with me has fucked your head. I have messed up my life and yours." His voice was thick with sorrow.

"No you haven't." I felt desperate, like he was telling me it was the end.

He couldn't do that, not when _I _had gotten it wrong.

"I have Bella, you can't even see when I'm being genuine anymore." he turned around slowly and he looked like life had left him.

"I made a mistake." I told him as I stood up out the bath and rushed to him, wrapping my self around him. I was naked and wet and I was getting cold again but I couldn't let go of him.

"You never made the mistake Bella, I confused you too much with my damn mind games. You don't know what is real anymore."

"I do." I argued.

He only sighed and shook his head.

I reached my arms up around his neck.

"Christ, Bella, your going to catch the cold." he huffed as he stood up to the towel rail and pulled one off.

He tried to wrap it around me but I pushed it away, pulling him into me.

"I don't need that, I need you." I growled at him.

"Bella, don't be ridiculous, get back in the bath or wrap up." I shook my head strongly and gripped my fingers around the front of his shirt.

"Do you really want to marry me and keep the baby?" I asked, I had to check, I had to see that look in his green eyes.

He tried to push me away but I wouldn't let him.

He groaned in frustration and pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me, trying to warm me up.

It needed his touch now, now that I was beginning to understand.

"Do you?" I asked again.

"Of course I do. Why would I have asked, why would I be trying when my brain is telling me it's wrong."

"It's not wrong." I made sure he knew.

"I know, but my brain doesn't always work like how yours does. I just see everything that can go wrong." he sighed and pulled me in closer. My toes trailed on the tiles below me as he held me up.

"What made you change your mind, something must have been said for you to change your mind so quick." I rushed out.

There must have been a reason. There was something behind this, either that or I was right and he was trying to trick me.

"Like I said, someone showed me. My dad took me into the special baby unit and I saw this tiny new born, health parents and she had already had an operation to keep her alive. She wasn't even a day old." he sighed heavily. "She will need more surgeries in her life, her heart is all messed up. I just saw that you don't know what you get in life. Just like I don't know if this baby will have my condition or not. I suppose I saw that they will have some kind of difficulties in life, weather its my condition or something else, they will have to deal with shit at some point in there life, even if there perfectly healthy."

I suppose I could understand a little now, I could see his reasoning but I never thought I would see him changing his mind, no so soon at least.

"But why did you change your mind, why so soon?"

"What? Two weeks not long enough for you now?" he bit a little, aggravated.

"You know what I mean, why are you suddenly agreeing when there is still a risk?" I didn't want to ask it but if he hadn't thought about it before now, it was best he started.

"Because like I said, there going to have hard times In there life and me asking you to get rid of it just so they don't have to isn't fair. Least if there difficulty is the AIP we can deal with that. What if I told you to get rid of it and they were fine? What if we tried adoption and there was something physically wrong with them, would we turn them away because it would make life hard?"

No we wouldn't. I knew even Edward couldn't do that. Carlisle adopted Edward and the other two because no one else was willing to take on the possible difficulties. Carlisle, hoped at least he could help Edward.

"And if we were willing to take on a child with physical difficulties, would we turn down a child with mental or emotional difficulties.

I knew that wouldn't be a factor with me and looking up at Edward now, I could see he shared the same thoughts as me.

"Even if there was nothing physically or emotionally wrong with them, they are still going to face crap in there live, there will be hard times and there will be times it's us that causes it. Were not perfect either, so why should they have to be?"

I was completely dumbfounded at his words. _He had been thinking about this. _

_And I had called him a liar._

"I'm sorry." I croaked out, feeling totally ashamed of myself.

"For what?" he asked confused again.

"For doubting you." I reached forward kissing his lips gently.

"Bella, I'm still doubting myself, but I would have preferred it if you just asked me if you had concerns." I nodded knowing he was right.

This had happened because of miss-communication. We weren't talking about the things we really needed too.

My mind was too caught up in things like dubious marriage proposals and miss read signs when I should have just came out and asked him.

I shivered in his arms and he cursed at me, telling me to get in the damn bath.

I did, the water a little colder so he opened up the tap, allowing hot water warm it up. He switched it off when he decided it was hot enough for me and I didn't argue. I still wanted it to burn but I knew I had to be sensible.

He left me in the bath as the suites main door was chapped. They had saw the scene when we had came in and called the police. I didn't want them too but Edward was too concerned to check over my head and didn't argue them on it.

I knew it would be the police and I knew I should talk to them but I didn't. I wanted to wash that man off of me.

I reached for the face cloth and began scrubbing my arms.

Edward was obviously talking to them and hadn't returned, all the while I scrubbed from one arm to the other.

I still felt dirty and I was sure I could still smell that man on me.

Edward eventually came back in the bathroom. "I said that they could talk to you - Bella, what are you doing." he shouted the last of his words in panic as I looked up at him.

"What?" I asked, having no clue what he was talking about.

"You're arms." he reached forward, immediately grabbing my facecloth from my hand. "How hard were you rubbing?"

He knelt down beside me, inspecting my arms. "Bella, you have clawed at your skin, its all scratches." he pulled on my hand inspecting my fingernails. They were never particularly long, I sometimes chewed them making them rough.

I looked down and saw the red lines that I had left through the red raw skin I had scrubbed, I hadn't even noticed I had done it. I thought I was just washing him off of me.

Edward stood up and began pulling his shirt up over his head then moving on to removing his trousers and boxers.

He shifted me forward, sliding in behind me in the bath before taking the cloth and beginning to wash me in soft gentle strokes. He wiped gently on my forearms and my back before he moved onto my chest. He wrapped his left arm around my waist, holding me into him the whole time.

He rested his cheek against the back of my head and he told me to try and put it out of my head.

He got me talking about what we were going to do for the baby's nursery.

"We can't do it yellow, everyone does it yellow and white is just boring." he told me, as if he was completely interest in it. "What colour should we do it, Love?" he asked as he leaned back into the bath, pulling me back with him but reaching down to kiss me on the cheek.

"I…I haven't…I don't know?" I stumbled. I had thought about it, just not that much. Everything else had been so hard it was the last thing I really put any thought into.

"Come on, Alice must have had something to say about it, given you some ideas."

His arms crossed over my body and he rubbed each shoulder affectingly with the pads of his thumbs.

"She said lavender, I quite liked that idea." I shrugged.

He gripped gently at my shoulders, agreeing with me. "That's actually not a bad idea. It's kinda pink, it's kinda blue." I could feel his head nod in agreement. "I like that idea." he backed up.

I still felt like I couldn't focus. He never mentioned the police either, obviously thinking I couldn't handle it or something.

I knew he was trying, not just with the baby, but with me. What happened earlier would be having an affect on him too but here he was pushing it aside to take care of me, and to talk about things that he would still be struggling to deal with himself.

I reached up to my left shoulder, kissing the palm of his hand and placing it above my heart.

I didn't know how I had got so lucky in life.

Yeh, ok, there were times when it got tough and it was hard but when he was with me and he was mine…There wasn't anything better in the world.

I peeled his hand back up off my chest, moving it with mine down to my stomach. He had only touched me once down there since the news and that was the time he was in hospital.

He held his arm rigid, fighting against mine, refusing to let his hand go near the area.

"Bella..?" he sighed in sad frustration.

"Ok, Edward. We talk, we talk about it. Why don't you want to put your hand there, honestly?" I was soft as I spoke, I did want him to be honest. I wanted him to tell me why his arm froze up.

Was it his doubts? Did her feel undeserving? Was he just scared about the actual pregnancy?

"Honestly…honestly, I think I'll mess it up like I messed you up." he sighed again.

"Are you saying I'm messed up?" I teased gently.

He laughed dryly, "You know what I mean. I just don't want to be the cause of making it go wrong. Like I pass on bad luck or something."

"How can you think that, they will be so lucky to have a daddy like you. You're going to be great."

"I wish I was so sure." He told me sadly.

"Well I am." I told him sincerely. "Do you trust me?" I asked, because as much as he was scared, I needed to know that he thought I would do right by him.

"Always have." he told me.

I slowly began moving his hand down to my stomach, I needed to prove to him, that that thought, it was in his head and it wasn't going to happen.

He froze up as we neared it, his hand skimmed off the water above me.

"Trust me…" I begged.

"I do, I just don't trust myself. I don't deserve any of this."

"Yes you do, you deserve so much more than what I can give you-"

"You give me everything." he jumped in.

"Well take this. For me."

He nodded silently and I watched his hand disappear below the surface of the water and felt his hand gently touching my stomach, almost caressing the skin.

His fingers trailed across the are, there was no sign yet of what was below my surface but he was still reaching out to them.

"See, the world didn't end and your hand didn't fall off." we both laughed lightly.

His hand reached out across me, resting against my stomach.

I was proud of him for it, he was genuinely worried about it and he took that step because he believed in me.

We lay like that for another few minutes before he suggested we get out because the water was cold and we were both shrivelling up.

I lifted his hand up, turning his palm face up and saw the wrinkles that marked his finger tips.

Getting out the bath, he dried himself off before wrapping a towel around his waist and helping me up to my feet in the bath. He wrapped the towel around me like my mother did when I was a child and he picked me up, hooking his arm behind my knees and holding my torso close to his chest.

Placing me down on the bed he rubbed my back and arms before I let out a little gasp, feeling what I had done to my arms.

He apologised, peeling back the towel and patting the area dry before placing some moisturiser on the areas.

"Look what you done to yourself, Bella." he wasn't telling me off, he was pitying me.

"I'm sorry. I just felt dirty." I whispered feeling quite ashamed at what I had done to myself. I felt the tears well up in my eyes again.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. That guy was scum." you could see him becoming angry but he held himself and let out a long sigh.

"Bella, just don't blame yourself. It was me that made you run away. It was me that messed you up, that you didn't know I was being serious."

"Were you?" I asked, a little frightened of the reply.

"Of course I was." he protested firmly.

He reached over and pulling out one of his large t-shirts for me to wear again. I had packed my own night wear but I hadn't wore any of it yet.

He slipped it over my head and, helped me pull my arms through without rubbing too much of the cream away that was healing my arms.

He sorted it around me, covering the tops of my leg. He was so tender with me the tears began to fall and I didn't know if it was because he was being so sweet or if it was thinking about what had happened.

I didn't know if he still wanted to marry me, I guessed he still did. It had been a bad night but was it that bad he didn't want to marry me anymore?

He wasn't asking, but then again, was it the right time to ask? Was it ever going to be the right time to ask?

He pulled on some boxers below his towel and pulled it away from him, wiping away any water that might have been left over.

He reached for my cheek and smoothed the pad of his thumb across the apple of my cheek.

"Just a second." he told me as he disappeared through to the lounge before coming back with little bottle of vodka.

"Edward..?" I panicked. It was only small but I knew it would be enough to have effect on him. I didn't want him drinking at all.

"Relax, Love. It's for you."

He tossed the bottle beside me as he continued on his way to the bathroom.

"I can't drink." I reminded him.

I heard a chuckle coming from the bathroom as he walked back out. "It's for your head. It's only a small cut but Christ knows what had touched those things." he was talking about the stack of dirty damp wooden crates I had been thrown into.

He held a dry face cloth in his hand and he cracked open the bottle of vodka pouring a little on to it.

"It will sting a little but it will clean it out."

Nodded, understanding him completely.

He pressed at it gently, trying no to hurt me but trying to wipe away the dried blood and clean out the small wound.

It stung but I held in the groan I wanted to let out.

I felt my eyes well up again and tears began to pour. My head still hurt, I had had a knife held up at my throat and the ring my gran had given me had been stolen. To make things worse, the expensive present that Edward had put thought behind was broken and still scattered around the bathroom somewhere.

"Hey, Love, don't cry." he told me gently as he placed a small kiss on my lips once he was finished with the cut.

I sobbed harder, there realization of the night., "I could have gotten you killed."

He shook his head. "You kidding me? I would have taken him down." he tried to joke.

"It's not funny." I told him pointedly. I didn't find it amusing at all.

"I know, but if I don't laugh, I'll cry because it was you who's throat he held that knife at, it was you that he pulled on and it was you and our baby who he threatened. If anything would have happened I would never have forgiven myself."

"Hey, I don't want to hear you talk like that." I told him sharply as I wiped at my cheeks.

"I wouldn't have, I did nothing for you, I was useless." How could he think like that, how could he think that he had no effect on me when he was there, if I was alone I would have died. I would have done something wrong, seeing him there, seeing his face, his eyes fixed on mine. It kept me calm. I knew I still panicked but he helped me forget about the blade that sat at my throat.

"I was so scared and then you came and you made me able to cope with it. I hated that you were there, that you were in any danger but I needed you and you helped me, weather you believe it or not."

He scoffed. "I don't." he said sadly.

"We'll it's true." I shrugged.

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "Come on, kid. Lets get to bed." I nodded and he helped me climb in below the covers before he climbed in in front of me, pulling me into his chest.

I couldn't smell the cigarette smoke anymore, all I could smell was Edward and it was all I needed to get me through the night, that and his strong arms wrapped around me.

"Hold me tight and promise me you wont let go." I asked.

"I'll never let go of you. You wont get far from me from now on. That was too close for comfort."

I nodded into him feeling the tears slide out of my eyes silently.

"It's me and you forever, nothing is going to come between us again." he told the top of my head

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you earlier. I…I I don't know what got into me, what was going through my head." I began to panic again.

"Shhh." he soothed me, gently pulling on my chin to look me in the eyes.

He leaned down and kissed my nose.

"I'm sorry I broke my necklace. And I'm sorry I ruined our night. It had been really great."

"You never ruined anything. Don't be sorry for anything, don't worry about anything. Your necklace can get fixed and we will talk about it all, but you have had more than enough for one night and you should try and get some sleep." he was firm.

"Ok." I agreed, I needed the night to be over and to try and get some rest.

He reached behind him, switching off the lamp, plunging our room into darkness.

His arm wrapped back around me instantly and I felt like no one could ever get me. He held on to me as if I was precious cargo.

I thought about us, how we were, we were each others forever. I knew it the day I gave myself to him and cheated on Jake. It hadn't been some sordid teenaged game, it was true love. I wanted to feel like this for the rest of my days, I wanted to be held tight as I slept, I wanted everything he gave to me.

"You know, I would have said yes."

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_**a/n: ok people - please review if you are still enjoying it - I got the lowest reviews for the last chapter and feel a little gutted - I know you are all still reading so please leave a little review and tell me what you think - good or bad - constructive criticism is always appreciated.**_

_**Reviews get cute little baby converse - I know how much you loved them lol**_


	16. Chapter 15

**_a/n: ok yeh, so I'm back already - I couldn't sleep so wrote away, my flow finally coming back! _**

**_FF was having some issues and if I never got to your review and replied - sorry I never got it!! xx_**

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**Chapter 15**

**EPOV**

"She said she would have said yes?" he asked, not sounding to surprised at my words. "What did you say?"

I looked away from my brother knowing I had been stupid. "I didn't say anything."

"You're an idiot." Emmett told me flatly. "Why didn't you just say something, we all know it will happen eventually." he sighed as if I had just totally pissed him off.

"What was I meant to say, just say 'ok'? I have fucked this up twice, I didn't want it just to slip into conversation like that."

He laughed lightly "With the luck you have had, maybe that's the best approach."

I rolled my eyes at him. She deserved it better, it meant something to her and here I was, going out on whims and bargaining. It was just a shit night, you know. She was such a mess, I couldn't just say. 'ok, lets get married'." I sighed and got lost in my own thoughts.

"I should have protected her." I mumbled to myself but Emmett heard my words.

"The guy had a knife. You did what was best and you got out uninjured."

"Bella didn't." I reminded him flatly.

"Ok, so she got a bash to the head and was shaken up, but there was no real damage done. You are both walking around just fine."

He was right. But Bella was still shaken up and I was growing worried about that.

As soon as I woke up the next day I had called the airport and got us on the next flight back to Seattle. I knew she wouldn't want to stay there, not after that. And she didn't. it was a big enough job to get her to leave the hotel and straight into the taxi.

"I just wish it all went differently. I didn't even get the damn shoes like I promised." I sighed, Christ, I couldn't do anything right.

"Shoes?" Emmett asked, looking more than a little confused.

"These baby Converse shoes, like the ones Bella had in college. She was all excited and happy, that's why I asked her. It just came out of me, I just asked her to marry me when I saw her face. She was so happy and excited. And I fucked it up."

I bashed my head off the island in my mums kitchen, completely frustrated.

"I didn't even have the damn ring anyway. I don't even know where it is."

"You lost it?" he asked shocked.

"No, I gave it to Bella when I went after her that time, told her to think about it. She would have been quite right to throw the bloody thing away. I fucking tainted it."

"Tainted what?" I jumped up at Rosalie's voice. She had a little more time for me now since I had came to my senses. Well, the evil glares that she had been quite right to give me had stopped at least.

"Edward was just explaining he had tried to propose to Bella, that's how they ended up mugged. She ran away from him-"

"I would run away from you too." she interjected with a hint of sarcasm.

"And he didn't even have the ring anyway."

"'Cos Bella has it." she told him, just what I had.

"How…how do you know she has it?" I asked curiously.

"Uh Duh. She told me." she looked back at me as if I was completely stupid.

"She tell you why?" I asked, surprised and slightly worried of what Rose would be thinking of me.

"Yes, and it was pretty damn shitty of you to leave her with it like that." she replied.

"You don't by any chance know what she did with it?" I asked hoping.

"Why don't you ask her that?" she asked, she was a little amused that I was in the dark on this one, and clearly she had all the info. Of course she did. Bella never had me to talk to, she would have went to the girls.

"Can you just tell me?" I asked a little impatiently.

"Nope." she popped the 'p' and I could have kicked her arse for it.

"I need that ring." I told her.

"Ask for it back." she told me firmly.

"Rose, just tell him." Emmett sighed. He got bored of these games when Rose and I wound each other up.

"Her room here, bedside drawers, bottom one." she told me sharply.

I couldn't help but have the huge smile on my face. She had yet to clear out all her things here after she brought them with her, when she had left me.

I needed to get to that ring. Before she got up there to pack her stuff back up.

"Rose, keep her down here. I don't care if you have to hold her down. And neither of you know nothing about the ring, got it."

Rose tried to hide the smile on her face as she pretended to 'zip it' and Emmett gave an agreeing nod as I slipped of my stool.

I could hear Bella laugh in the lounge with my mother and Alice, Rose was behind me and gave a wink as she silently slipped back into the room with Bella, keeping her there.

I could hear her laugh some more and it was great to hear.

We arrived back yesterday from New York and she had barley spoke a word. She was on edge and still visibly shook up.

Once we had landed she had asked for me to take her home. I instantly took her back to our apartment and she never said anything about it. I took it as a sign that we had moved on, that we were now back together.

I was happy that she had moved around the apartment just like she always had done. It was as if we had never been apart and to hold her as she once again slept in our bed, it was heaven. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay there and I wanted to forget about the rest of the word.

I had decided to let the mugging go. If the police took any action, it had nothing to do with us. Bella didn't want to go through it again and we had no idea of what he looked like. All the police report would give to us would be a chance to claim on the insurance and for the price of Bella's sanity, I could live without getting the money for my watch and the rest of our possessions.

Our bank cards had been cancelled and I didn't hold much cash in my wallet - with the exception of my watch, they never gained much as they never got hold of Bella's necklace.

What we really had lost was the memories behind our belongings and no matter how big the cheque was, it wasn't bringing them back. Everything else could be re-bought. We weren't poor.

I climbed the second flight of stairs and made my way to the top as I peered into the room. I felt nervous, like I was going to be busted or something, like I was doing something wrong.

It was ridiculous. I was trying to do right.

I quickly went to where it was and smiled at finding it exactly where Rose had said it would be.

I could have kissed her - then I quickly shook that scary thought out my head.

I felt smug almost. I only hoped I could do this without throwing Bella into a tizzy.

Rushing down the stairs I grabbed hold of my jacket and place the ring inside my pocket.

Walking into the room where they all were, Bella jumped up a little in her seat, looking at my jacket.

"Dad called me, he needs to go over something in the hospital with me, some patient…" I finished lamely.

I was going to go to hell for my lying and I wasn't even good at it.

She nodded a little apprehensively.

"I wont be long, I promise. I'll come back and we can go home, ok?" I walked up to her and kissed her on the lips. Her face looking a little sad. I knelt down in front of her, reassuring her. I knew that she was still panicking over the whole mugging.

"Love, don't worry ok." I told her subtly, my family talking behind me, giving us some privacy. I reached for her face, cupping her cheek. "You won't even notice I'm gone."

It hurt to look into her eyes like this, she seemed so weak, she only ever seemed strong. This whole thing had hit her hard.

"I love you." she told me as a way of agreeing.

"I love you too." I told her as I rose to my feet and quickly kissed her on the forehead.

I walked out the room and headed for the front door.

Rose chased after me "Where are you going?" she asked.

I turned around briefly. "I need to get something." I shrugged and turned back around.

"What do you need to get that you need to leave her for?" She was a little pissed at me, I could understand why too but I knew what I had to do.

"Shoes." I called to her.

"Shoes?"

I chuckled hearing the confusion in her voice as I closed the door behind me.

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I hit my hand off the steering wheel in frustration. There had been an accident on the road and now I was stuck in traffic. Not only that, but I had been all over the damn city looking for the shoes we had saw in New York. I had been in about over a dozen baby shops only to eventually be told they didn't have them in infants but they did have toddlers.

I didn't want toddlers. I wanted the little ones for babies. _Bella wanted the ones for babies._

She was pretty helpful though and had directed me to somewhere I could find them. But they never had black ones. They only had pink ones.

_They had to be little Bella shoes_

Bella would no doubt be happy to have any colour, but pink. But I wanted black. Just like I had promised.

Luckily she was helpful too and by shop number sixteen, or something, I found my self in a normal damn shoe shop with a whole rail of little Bella shoes. Why didn't I just come here in the first place?

I had been gone for more than two hours and I knew it would be well over three until I got back to my mums.

My phone rang and I picked it up as I saw Rose's name flash across the screen.

"Hello?" I answered.

"_Get your damn arse back here right now. Bella is freaking out. She thinks she lost the ring." _

_Fuck_

I should have known that would have happened.

"Rose, keep her distracted, tell her she must have gave me it back or something or tell her it's must be at the apartment, just tell her something, but not the truth."

She sighed. _"Fine, ok, I think she will be ok, just get back here now, you have been ages."_

"I couldn't find the shoes and now there has been an accident on the road. I'm trying to get back. Just keep her calm, she doesn't need anymore stress."

"_No shit, just hurry up." _she ordered and the hone went dead.

I rolled my eyes at her, it wasn't my fault I was stuck, it wasn't my fault I took forever to find the little Bella shoes, but it was my fault Bella was freaking out over the ring. I had to get back there soon and bullshit her again, or at least distract her for long enough.

I knew after everything that had went on this was potentially the craziest move to make but I wanted to try and surprise her.

I wanted her to be mine and I wanted it to be sooner rather than later.

I wanted to marry her before the baby got here. I wanted to do things the way I felt they should happen.

I wanted us to be married for the baby being born. I would have preferred to have been married before they were even conceived but it was too late for that one now. I guess I was just a little old fashioned that way.

I didn't know how I was going to do it, or weather I would be smooth about it (I highly doubted it) but I knew I was going to do it.

The little Converse were just me trying to keep the promises I had made. I was a start. A symbol, of a better me to come.

I had thought about everything that had been said that night after the mugging. I couldn't get over the fact it was all my fault, that she thought I was tricking her so she ran away.

It seemed so dramatic but I had sent her brain into a total mess with all my demands and stinking attitude.

The thoughts of what to do, what was right and what was wrong was still prominent in my mind but I was still fighting them and I knew I would most like be fighting with them until the baby was born, until I saw what we really had.

I knew that they were in there, they just weren't out here with us, and that was the part that played in my mind, as if it was still some choice just now.

My biggest fear was when I would next slip below that cloud, what I would give to Bella, what torment would come from my mouth in my moments of my blackest moods.

But right now I was here, and I was with her and I was going to prove to her that she could trust me.

I eventually pulled up the house about an hour later, Alice opening the door for me with narrowed eyes.

A lump formed in my throat in sheer panic that Bella was worried about me or the ring.

"Get up stairs now." she ordered. "She's looking all over for that ring, Rose has convinced her that she took it to New York with her and she thinks she might have lost it."

I closed my eyes in frustration.

I was screwed.

I quickly climbed the stairs as Bella rattled through the empty drawers. "Lost something?" I mused, trying to be quite subtle.

She quickly turned to me, her cheeks reddening and plastering a fake smile on her face. "Just checking I hadn't left anything behind." she lied pretty unconvincingly, even if I didn't know the truth already.

"Got everything?" I asked as I nodded to her bag she had filled.

"Yep, it's all here." she mumbled nervously as she looked around the floor and the edges of the bed and furniture.

I was tempted to tell her the truth then, but I had noted she was keeping quiet too.

I reached the bed and zipped the bag before tossing it over my shoulder and picking up her laptop bag too.

"Home?" I asked, praying.

She gave a silent nod and her eyes glistened with unshed tears as she looked over her shoulder and around the room.

_She really thought she had lost the ring_.

I felt like such an arse but I did have the best intentions.

We made it back to the apartment fairly soon. Bella was quiet and she kept her eyes focused on the window to her side.

I tried to distract her a few times about random stuff but she was sullen and I let her be, she didn't want to talk.

Managing to sneak the shoes into the apartment, I hid them in my bed side drawer - _oh irony _- and began making the both of us some food as Bella tided the rest of her belongings away. It hadn't slipped by me that she has been subtly looking for the ring also.

She had been sitting on the floor sorting through the last of her belongings as I watched her from the bed.

"Bella." I called to her, patting the space next to me on the bed, inviting her over.

She looked up and though she seemed confused, she got up and sat by me.

"I'm sorry about what happened, you know?" I shrugged.

"It wasn't your fault." she tried to argue.

"But I had messed you about, no wonder you thought like you did. _That_ was my fault."

"It's done with now."

"But we need to keep talking, you can't be worried about what I'll say or do. That's not fair on anyone. If I blow up on something, I blow up on something. We will work through it."

"I…I just don't want to make you worse…" she mumbled.

"You won't but us dancing around it, pretending everything is fine, doesn't make it all fine and dandy. All it causes is you to run away. Literally."

"I'm sorry."

"Bella…" I sighed, she wasn't getting this, this was both our faults. "It was my fault too, mine more so because of everything I have said and done and you were quite right not to trust me. We never spoke about it because we just avoided one another and it got into this…this mess."

She nodded. "But I do trust you."

"Yes I know. But I want to show you that when I say something, I mean it…well, when I'm like this at least. Me, you know? Not Hyde."

She nodded and leaned in to kiss my lips. "You're never Hyde."

"Trust me, even like this, I was Hyde for a long time there."

She rolled her eyes at me.

"Anyway. The things I say, I mean. I make a promise, I'll keep it, ok?"

She smiled at me and nodded before she wrapped her arms around my neck. "I love you." She reminded me.

"I love you, too." I kissed at her cheek and pulled her away from me as I reached in to the drawers and pulled out the bag.

Placing it in front of her, she looked up suspiciously.

"I know there a day late, but I did promise you them."

Her brows furrowed in confusion as she opened the bag and peered in before a huge smile broke out across her face.

Lifting them out she was laughing and her eyes sparkled. "There just like the ones we saw." she cooed.

"I had to get you them, I promised. But do you know how many damn baby shops I had to go into for them." I mock sighed.

"Thank you, that means a lot."

"You had to have them…and so did I." I sheepishly admitted. "Now they can have little Bella shoes."

She laughed at my words as she reached up and kissed me on the lips.

"Was that where you got to earlier?" I nodded as I watched her make the little boots walk across the bed.

"So you lied?" she was teasing but I was dying to pull her up on her own lie for it.

I kept it back.

I wasn't letting any teasing run out of control that it would bring us down.

"I love you so much. I wanted to prove I could do something right. You deserve a lot more than me but I'm not letting you go, not ever."

She crawled up into me, wrapping her arms around my waist and mine going around hers.

"I'm not going anywhere, not ever. I don't belong anywhere else but by your side." I smiled at her words.

"You know that I will do anything for you and this baby. Anything. I will try my hardest to be there for you all the way but I need you to know and I need you to understand that this could get messy, when I slip away from you, you can't listen to anything I say. You can't take it on as the truth because it won't be."

She chewed on her bottom lip and I reached for it, releasing it. "I know, I see that, we just need to keep talking like we always have. I know I left you and that was wrong of me because you had no one to talk to, not really." She berated herself.

"You were right to do what you did. And that was my own fault. How could you be around me when I was asking what I was."

"No secrets, nothing, no lies." she told me firmly and I shifted uncomfortably.

She eyed me suspiciously, she could tell I was lying, just like she always could. I wasn't fooling her anymore, not now her mind was focused on me once again.

I shook her off, "Nothing…" I mumbled.

"Edward, you can't do that. Not now."

I scrunched my eyes up in frustration, letting out a groan. She was so right. I knew she was. But I had only wanted to make it more special.

"Give me a second." I told her, hesitantly, as I got up and went to get my jacket.

I sat back down on the bed, in front of her. "I was trying to do something…I don't know what, make it better than this. I keep messing it up." I groaned again.

"What is it?" she looked worried.

"Just know that I love you, that I love both of you." I reached forward and placed my hand on her stomach. It seemed almost easy now but I still felt trepidation as I did so.

She still looked worried. "Bella, this is me, ok? No one else, no bullshit, no games. Me and you."

I reached into my jacket pocket pulling out the little box, immediately Bella let out a sigh and a little laugh of relief.

"I'm sorry, I stole it. I wanted it to be better than this." She waved me off as she looked down at the box.

"I would be lying if I didn't say I haven't been panicking about this all day."

"I know, Alice told me, Rose told me where it was."

"Rose? That…that witch." she laughed. "She made me think I took it with me to New York."

"I'm sorry."

I got off the bed and got down on one knee because that was one thing I could still make right about this. It was something. It wasn't some romantic setting and it wasn't much of a story too tell but it was me, offering everything to the girl I loved.

She shifted up on the bed looking down at me, her big brown doe eyes full of surprise and sparkle.

"Isabella Marie Swan, will you do me the honour of marrying me and spending forever together with. I love you, I need you and I can't live my life without you in it."

She sat there gob smacked.

She was quiet and I grew nervous. I felt the room get hotter as she looked down at me.

"I know this isn't the most romantic way, and I'm sorry, but I'm pleading with you, take the ring like you took my heart and I will do everything to be the man you need." my voice wobbled at the end, nervousness overtaking.

"Yes. Of course, yes." she lunged at me, sending me onto my back on the floor and her on top of me, kissing my face.

She held me in close to her, her lips running down my neck and her hand gripping my hair.

I lay back for a brief moment, the relief washing over me and enjoying her touch and her kiss.

As much as I was enjoying it, I had to have the ring on her. I pulled her off me, pulling on her left hand and sitting up.

She bounced on the spot like a school girl as I looked in to her eyes and saw just how much she had really wanted this, that she still wanted this, even after I had screwed it up.

I slipped the ring on her finger and let out the biggest roar ever. "Fuuuuuuck!!!" The ring was huge on her slim finger.

Bella's laugh grew out of control.

"One thing, why could this just not go right, just this once." I huffed.

She couldn't stop laughing "It's perfect." she assured. But it wasn't. it was going to have to be fixed.

I had kept the ring for years and I had not once thought about the sizing. I could have slapped myself.

"Can I keep it on just now?" she asked a little worried.

"Just don't lose it." I began to laughed. That was all we were needing. "Well, your necklace will have a little friend with it at the jewellers."

She laughed again and reached forward kissing me hard on the lips.

She looked down at it with a huge smile on her face and I had to smile too, because I had put it there.

"Thank you for asking me again. I know it would have been hard for you."

"It should have been hard, but it was easy, I would have asked you a million times until you'd said yes." I kissed her cheek softly.

She reached for my lips as her hands once again went for my hair.

"I know we have it well covered already, but what would you say to a run thought of the honeymoon?" she breathed out into my ear and I instantly grew hard at her words and breath.

"We defiantly have that one covered." I teased as u let the back of my fingers run across her stomach again. "But screw that, I need you now." I whispered into her hear, my tongue tracing the shell of it.

She stood up, grabbing hold of my t-shirt and attempting to pull me to my feet. I stood up instantly, not wanting her to strain herself and to be honest, not being able to restrain myself.

She pulled me in-between her legs as she sat on the bed, her hands going straight to my belt.

I looked down at her as she looked up through her lashes.

_God, I needed her._

She unfastened my jeans and tugged at them as my hands gripped through her hair.

I kicked myself out of the denim and pulled off her top before pushing her on to her back, lying in front of me, her growing chest desperate to get out of her underwear. I hadn't notice it before, they weren't massive but I could see the change.

I unfastened her jeans and pulled them off of her before I stripped myself of my own t-shirt.

Bella lay on the bed with her legs up, bent and open, inviting me in. _It was a great view._

I lay down on top of her, between her parted legs, reaching her lips to kiss as I felt her arms and legs wrap around me.

Her tongue poured into my mouth, hungry and needing and after the other night we needed each other, we needed the comfort and the love.

I wanted to show her what she gave to me.

I fidgeted with the clasp of her bra and release her chest, pulling the material away from her.

I kissed down her neck, desperate to get to her fuller chest.

I always loved her breasts, they were small and perfect but I couldn't help enjoy the small changes that were happening to her body.

There would be bigger changes soon enough and I couldn't wait to see her glow. She would sparkle.

I grazed my teeth of off the bud of her nipple and she rocked her hips further into me.

I fisted on her hair with one hand and the other grabbed at the bed covers.

She moaned out a little, struggling to keep quiet.

"Let it go." I chuckled lightly. Sometimes the consciousness of what we were doing made her shy.

I had to remind her sometimes it was ok roll around naked without being ashamed. She had nothing to be ashamed off and especially of that body. She was a work of art.

With my words more desperate groan came out and she pushed her chest forward into my face.

She gripped at my hair, running her fingers through it, once again with total disregard to the words she had told me many a time, not to pull at it.

It pushed me on and I let my hand slip into her underwear, causing her to shuffle blow me.

Her hands began to reach for me, and the tiny touch that I felt of her hand across my dick had me hissing.

But she had played this game the other day, and now it was my turn.

I caught both her hands and held them above her head, holding them there with my one as the other slipped back down to her underwear.

"Edward…" she groaned, trying to shake her hands out of mine. It was useless, her body was enjoying the sensation too much and she was relaxed below my touch.

"Nope, this is all about you Bella. This time, I'm holding all the cards." I felt so damn smug.

She whimpered in response and I slid her underwear away with my hand before she could even attempt to argue as my hand went back to caressing her centre.

* * *

**_a/n: Yaaay!!! Finally! Things are looking up for the pair, eventually. Please review!! xx_**


	17. Chapter 16

**a/n: I know, I know; where have i been?! **

**I have had a new story flowing out of me - like really - i cant seem to turn the damn tap off for it. but i beg you all - please take a read at it!!**

** its called 'The Saints Are Coming'**

* * *

**Chapter 16**

**BPOV**

Fixing myself in the mirror I heard the front door go. It was Emmett, and as much has I told him I would be fine to go it alone, he didn't believe me.

"Morning Bells." He chirped as he walked straight past me, not even needing to be invited in.

"Em, really, I will be fine. I can manage this. Besides I'll see Edward there."

I really didn't know if Edward would be there but he was supposed too. I had my three month scan to go too and things between Edward and I had got better. A lot better. But this past week he had began to struggle again. I could see the struggle begin on Monday morning.

I didn't know if it was the fact he knew that the scan was coming up or if it was just simply Edward. I was worried he wouldn't show, that he would be "busy" and that I would be alone.

Emmett was acting as body guard until I got there. I still struggled to go out on my own after the mugging in New York and had yet to manage a successful trip outside alone. This was meant to be it today. Esme couldn't manage with me and neither could anyone else except Emmett so I decided it was time to grow up and suck it up.

"Rose told me you were worried, that you don't think he will show. You need someone there with you." he smiled sincerely.

"But it's not fair on you…not after the past few months." I shrugged. I really wasn't fair that he be the one to take me to a anti-natal appointment when he had just discovered he couldn't have his own children.

"Bella, I'll be fine. I'm more concerned about you. I know you want to do this on your own but if you freak out or something, you will miss your appointment."

He had a point, but I still didn't like it. It just seemed too cruel.

"Emmett…" I sighed.

"Don't give me it. You can't go alone."

"Edward will be there." I tried to reason.

"Will he? I know my brother and he can do some great disappearing acts, this is hard on him, he's been quiet all week and he might not show."

I chewed on my lip. I didn't know what was for the best. I didn't want to be alone. I was scared myself.

"Without giving me time to answer, he picked up my bag and jacket, handing them to me and wrapping an arm around my shoulder and pulling me out the door.

The ride there was full of Emmett's usual banter. He kept my mind away from thinking about Edward and that he might not show up. It was crazy, he worked in the same hospital but I had a gut feeling that he would find anything else so not to show.

"Really Em, Just drop me at the door. I'm a big girl." least I was going to try to pretend that for today.

"It's cool. I want to be there. Besides I have nothing else to do today."

His current site were having some difficulties with contractors and everything had went on hold. He had been sitting tight since last Friday but it was almost sorted and they would be back, up and running by tomorrow.

"You really don't think Edward is coming, do you?" I mumbled out, feeling alone. I was sure that's why he refused to leave me.

He sighed "I really don't know, I hope he does but I know that it will take a lot for him to get in there. He is worried about the full thing and this is to show that there isn't any problems."

"I really want him to be there." I needed him there. I knew he was scared, but so was I. He had been so good, why couldn't he see he needed to stay with me, to help me.

"I know you do, kid." he patted my knee, trying to reassure me or something.

We pulled up and parked, Emmett, placing a protective arm around me again and I relaxed a little knowing I had him, for safety and comfort.

This was the sixth time I had made it out the house and Edward was beginning to get worried and a little impatient.

"Emmett?" A voice called. An older woman, a nurse walking up to us. "My god boy, that little baby face of yours has not changed one iota." she laughed.

"Brenda," Emmett smiled at with a nod "Got any of those lolly pops for me?"

"No, apparently we can't give them out now, they make kids fat or something? We would get sued." she replied flatly with a roll of the eyes "They never did you any harm." she looked him up and down, quite clearly amazed with his height and size.

"Is this the wife?" she asked with an amused smile and a raised brows.

"Sorry Brenda, this is Bella, and unfortunately, as great as she is, she doesn't belong to me, This is Edwards girl."

She let out a hearty laugh "So you're the one that got the doc? I've heard stories about you." she gave a wink with a crooked smile "I like you."

"Stories?" I asked a little worried, though she seemed like she meant no harm, she seemed really nice actually, she reminded me of the nurse I had after the fire.

"Nothing bad. Well, about you at least. I just heard that you have done great things for that boy."

"Great things?" Emmet questioned. "Edward would have been strung up a long time ago if it wasn't for Bella pulling him into line."

"I didn't pull him into line." I mumbled nervously. I knew he was teasing but I didn't want the woman to think bad of me.

She laughed "Well I hear there is a little one on the way?"

I nodded.

"That's why were here. Three month scan. Just need to track down Edward." Emmett told her.

"Well I don't know where the great doc is but I'll give him a page for you, let him know where you are, alright?" she nodded as she walked away.

"Thanks, Brenda." Emmett called. Over his shoulder and into the direction she had headed.

"She will do what she can." he shrugged, obviously knowing it was useless to have hope. She might get hold of Edward but it was another thing for him to show up.

We headed on to the clinic, settling down after I showed them my appointment card.

"You know, if he doesn't show, don't worry about it." he told me gently. He was preparing me.

I nodded.

"It's just Edward, he still loves you and he still wants the baby. He just knows when its best to back away sometimes."

I knew he was right. If Edward was struggling and he knew that he could erupt, he would keep back, he wouldn't want me hurt from the fallout, and as much as his absences hurt, I knew he could hurt me a lot more with his words if he was here.

"Isabella Swan?" The nurse called out looking for me.

I stood up, scared and alone.

"I'll be right here Bella. You will be fine ok?" Emmett told me, it made me feel a little better knowing he would be right there but it still hurt knowing that Edward wasn't going to show.

I nodded and headed for the examination room.

"Isabella." the doctor greeted me with a warm smile, directing me to a chair.

"Please, Bella." I corrected.

"Alright Bella, well what we will do is take some pictures of the baby, see how there coming along and we will take a few blood test as well." She began to explain.

She must have saw the panic flash across my face.

"It's ok, its just normal tests for iron levels and such…"

She tried to ease me but it didn't help. I hated needles and I hated blood even more.

I could feel myself grow hot and clammy, I felt sick, my gut was in knots and I was alone.

Would it be too much to go back and get Emmett.

I shook the thought away; It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he was hear in the first place. I wanted to strangle Edward. He would have known I would have needed blood tests. Why didn't he warn me?

I tried to concentrate on my breathing, the doctors words turning to white noise.

I fixed on my breathing.

_In_

_Out_

_In_

_Out_

I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder and opened my eyes to find the doctor kneeling in front of me, her face full of concern.

"Bella, are you ok?"

I nodded and swallowed hard. "I…I don't like needles and I really don't like blood. My boyfriend should have warned me."

"I'm sorry. I will try to make it as easy as possible for you. Dose your boyfriend work in the hospital?"

I nodded. "Yes, he's a doctor here, we got engaged a little while ago." I beamed.

"Who is he? Would I know him?" She asked sounding genuinely interested in me and my boring little life.

"Edward Cullen?" I asked.

She let out a small laugh. "So it's you that broke the hearts of all the females in this hospital." she joked.

"You know him?" I asked.

"Yes, we started our residency at the same time. Chelsea Agostino." She placed her hand for me to shake.

I couldn't think if I had heard the name before or not. I had met some of his work colleges at events before but never her.

"Bella Swan." it felt ridiculous, I knew her name already from my appointment card and she knew mine from my notes. But she was being nice and I couldn't help but feel myself relax a little.

"Soon to be Cullen." she smiled at me.

"Yeh, I suppose so." I hadn't had anyone else out of me and Edwards family say it like that, from her it sounded foreign but I liked it.

"So, Isabella-call-me-Bella Swan-soon-to-be-Cullen, get your bottom up on that bed and lift up your top so we can see how this little baby is looking." I felt relaxed with her casual chatty manor and tried to remember the reason she had seemed so worried in the first place.

I sat up on the bed, relaxing into the cushioned mattress as I lifted up my top as instructed. The doctor sat down by my side on a little stool as she began to mess around with the buttons and controls of the strange looking television that sat at the side of me.

"Can you open your jeans a little." she asked and at her instructions I did before she tucked some tissues paper around the edge.

"Ok, What I'm going to do is put some of this cold gel onto your belly and then just rub this little round stick across your stomach, I'll be firm but don't worry, It's not hurting the baby, there all cosy and protected in there." she nodded to my stomach as she placed the gel on to me.

It was freezing, my breath gasped in shock at the sensation.

"Told you it was cold." she laughed slightly. I only nodded as I tried to catch my breath.

She began to roll the stick across my stomach and after a few moments you could hear a fast beat.

_The heartbeat of my baby._

"There heart sound good, Bella."

I listened to the beat, it vibrated off the walls and into my head. It was so good to hear, to know that they were really in there.

"Here you are Bella." she swung round the monitor a little more, letting me see the screen better. "This is the head," she pointed to the screen. "This is there back." she slid her finger down the tiny curve. "And that's is there belly, just like where this is on you." she nodded to the stick.

It was so good to see, you could almost make out the legs too on the blurry monitor.

I wanted to cry, I was scared but I had never been so happy.

I looked to the door.

Still no Edward.

She must have saw me looking as she tried to ease my thoughts. "Don't worry, there will be other times he can see them. I'll print you extra pictures just so you can show him."

I nodded but it wouldn't be the same as him hearing the heart beat that flooded my ears moment ago.

She continued her checks, insisting that everything looked normal so far and that she couldn't see any potential problems. But I knew the potential problems couldn't be seen on the screen, that we would have to wait until they were born.

I heard a small click and my head whipped around to the direction of the door.

_Edward_

_He had made it._

With that, the tears poured from my eyes instantly.

He rushed to my side, wiping them away with the tips of his thumbs.

"Is everything ok?" I heard him ask the doctor as he pulled me into his side.

"Everything is just fine, now." I could hear the tone in her voice and her real care for me.

He pulled away, his eyes meeting mine. "So is that just the kind of reaction I get from you now?" He joked with a small smile playing on his lips.

"I didn't think you were going to come." I whispered out as Chelsea handed me a tissue.

Edward took it from her, wiping at my face. "Well, I'm here now." he kissed me gently on the lips.

Pulling back we were snapped back to reality as the baby's heart beat played out through the room once again.

The look on Edwards face was a mixture of pain and joy and it really was hard to determine what one was outweighing the other.

His eyes broke away from mine and they turned to the screen, him seeing his baby for the first time.

You could see his face, the shift, it was uncomfortable at first but then something else came across his features.

Happiness?

His eyes were wide as he looked at the screen, it was as if he had never seen anything like it before. As if his years of medical knowledge had somehow bypassed him this small detail.

"Should there heart be as fast as that?" I asked worried, should it not be slower, like mine?

"It's meant to be fast like that. Don't worry, Love." Edward told me. I could have laughed, all this time it had been me trying to ease his fears, now he was easing mine. "It's strong and constant, just like its mum."

I could feel my cheeks blush at his words.

The doctor let out a sigh. "Oh Edward, I just heard about two dozen hearts shatter there." she joked.

"Be nice Chelsea," he teased back, they must have got on well.

"I don't know how you done it Bella, but you have him hooked. No one of these hospital floozies can make him do a double take. Its nice to finally get to meet you."

"You too." I didn't know who she was, I'd never heard of her, but it really was great to meet her and I feel so relaxed knowing it will be her that is looking after me.

* * *

"He looks just like me." Emmett gushed at the photo as we sat down for some lunch. He was pushing my boundaries on my time outside but I felt good after my scan and I felt safe in the restaurant.

"Yeh, they have a big head." I teased back.

"Aww, Bella, how can you say that about your own boy?" he flicked to the next picture as he turned to look at it from every angle.

"It's Edwards baby, of course they will have a big head." I told him. "It's the damn Masen genetics." I shrugged. "And what makes you think it's a boy?"

"It's not just Alice that has all that psychic shit going on." he winked with a daft grin on his face.

I laughed at him, he was a crazy guy, he always managed to make anyone feel good. It was impossible for him not too.

"So you smiling now that Ed made it to the scan?"

Ok so perhaps some of my good mood was the fact Edward seemed to connect a little more with the pregnancy earlier. It was so good to have him there, for him to be there for me.

I nodded at Emmett's words. "I'm glad he got there in the end." I couldn't help but wonder if her was just running late or weather he was unsure to come.

"You think he wanted to be there?" I asked.

"Do you think he wanted to be there?" he asked right back.

He had looked like he was glad he went but I wasn't right sure if he had actually wanted to go. It was a hard one to tell but his face seemed genuine of the joy it showed when he saw the screen.

"Maybe he just needed a little shove in the right direction." he winked with a small smile.

_Emmett_

_Of course_

"You made him go?" I snapped.

"I never made him do anything." he clarified but I still didn't believe him.

"Then what did you say to him?" I demanded.

"I never said anything." he sighed. "Ok, well maybe I said something, but it worked."

"What did you say?" I growled.

"Easy, Bells, I only pointed out to him that he was being a little selfish about it all, reminded him that you would be scared too. And hell, I knew they would attempt to stick you with a needle at some point too."

I groaned in frustration. I was thankful, but I was still annoyed he did it.

I wanted to know Edward was there off his own back, not because he felt guilty or that he felt threatened by his own brother.

The table went quiet.

"I'm not apologizing for threatening to kick his arse for this. He needs to see that its not just him in this. Me and Rosie both have pain. I see hers too, I know its there. Edward likes to pretend to himself that he is so hard done by, that no one else suffers, that everything is easy. This is a big step for you too, he needs to see that."

I could feel myself chewing on my lip, it was the only thing that was preventing me from climbing over that table and strangling him. But I could see his reasoning. I didn't want Edward to suffer anymore so I would keep quiet. Silent.

Emmett wasn't allowing me to keep my silence this time, not on this matter. He was looking out for me knowing I would of course put Edward first. And I had.

I didn't say anything, I only nodded.

"Alright." You could feel the tension dissipate between us as we both relaxed. "So, what you going to call this boy?"

I laughed because he was so sure he was right on this one, you could tell with the goofy grin plastered across his face.

* * *

I made it back from my lunch without getting mugged. Ridiculous to think it would happen again, I do know, but it didn't lessen the worry anymore.

So I was in the living room, hiding in the safety of me and Edwards apartment, taking advantage of still being able to reach my toes and painting them. Call it too many years with living with Alice…

I heard the door front door open and glanced at the clock. Edward wasn't due to finish for another half hour, never mind be home.

"Bella, I'm home." I head his honey tones carry though the hall and straight to me. It was Edward. He was home early.

Walking in he glanced at the brush in my hand with a small smile. He always thought it was amusing painting my nails after our run in all those years ago.

"Nice toes." he chimed in with a wink, like I knew he would.

I let out a small giggle with the look on his face, this was _my_ Edward and he was on top form today.

He sat right next to me on the couch before reaching for my neck and kissing me.

I felt like I had melted with the sensation.

"I heard you went out for lunch." He said with hope lacing his words.

He understood my slight fear and did try, but like I had said, he was growing impatient but this would have given him a little bit of hope that I wasn't a total recluse.

I nodded, letting him know he heard right. "I heard you got your ass threatened." I told him.

He laughed a little "Emmett cant keep anything quiet." he told me as he tried to pull me into him as I tried not to get the varnish everywhere.

"Give me a second." I giggled like a school girl, feeling him trying to pull me towards him.

His grip never loosened but he held still, letting me finish and I screwed the lid back on before turning in my seat and resting my head in his lap with my legs over the arm of the couch.

"I'm all yours." I whispered.

Reaching down he kissed my lips. "Oh I know that, I gottcha locked up with the shackles." he joked as he pulled on my left hand bringing it up to his lips to kiss the ring he gave me.

I pulled my hand out of his and jokingly slapped his chest.

"So, why did Emmett have to threaten that nice peachy ass of yours?" I asked, pulling myself closer into his chest.

"Do we have to do this right now?" He sighed but it was still light.

He knew the struggles he had like this, he had to talk though them - Truth. It was the number one rule and we needed to know one another's true feelings on something. We couldn't let anything fester in his mind. After accepting the pregnancy he had been so good and so honest but I knew this week he struggled but he wouldn't admit it. Now I knew better though, I knew he had struggled and it was time to talk about it.

"I…I…" he sighed. "Bella, I'm home early just to see you specially. Do we have to do this right now?" he pleaded like a little boy wanting to watch television a little longer as he closed his eyes.

"Yes. Now spill." I took his hand and kissed the palm, I left my lips to linger there and poked my tongue out a little, he felt the sensation and his eyes opened again as he looked down at me.

"Do that again and I'm not being accountable for my actions." This was just one of the ways I tease him, some how it pushed him on, making him needy for me. I like to see him wriggle with something so small and innocent.

Pulling my lips away slightly "Spill…" I ordered before I kissed his palm again and poked my tongue out, the tip against his skin.

His head rolled back as he groaned and I couldn't help but laugh at his reaction. "Ok, that's it." he began to shuffle below me as his arm scooped below my neck and behind my knees.

"Wait, wait, wait. We need to talk about this first." I tried to argue.

"Nope." he popped his p. "That will be later, right now…I'm having you." he stood up, taking me with him in his arms.

"My toes." I squealed as I tried to hold my laugh in.

"Tough, I'm having you now." he told me as he headed straight for the bedroom.

* * *

I sat up in bed, naked. "Look what you did, you smudged my toes." I mock complained. But it was definitely worth it.

He laughed as he sat up, glancing down at them too. "I think they look good. I think I helped."

I reached for him and pinged his nose just for his cheekiness.

"Did you just ping me?" he tried to complain.

I only nodded as I looked back down at my messed up toes. Least it never came off onto the bed covers.

I lay back down and he reached for my lips in another searing kiss from him.

It had been such a good day.

"So, Emmett." I reminded him.

"I'm not getting out of this one, am I?" he asked but he knew the answer.

"No, come on, tell me. It's fine, you know? If you were scared."

He nodded. "I was just struggling. I have been all week and I didn't know how I would be in there."

"But you were ok?" I tried to clarify.

"I was great. I didn't know what I was so scared of. Emmett found me trying to hide in the changing rooms and told me that you were upset and scared. He told me to stop being so selfish-"

"You weren't." I jumped in.

"Yes I was, I know I'm a selfish prick, I do it and it feels normal. You have no qualms about pulling me up on it, but this you have been quiet. I don't need you to sugar coat it for me because you are worried about how I will act. I told you this, no secrets, and I was promising myself to be better but you need to help me out and point it out when I'm not doing it, when I become a selfish arsehole. I was worried about myself and I never thought about you, you are happy with this but I never thought that you were scared too." he reached down and kissed my lips again.

"You are as bad as me sometimes. You need to let me know how you are doing, even if I'm pulling away from you, snap me back to reality and make me listen, ok?" I nodded at his words.

"And god, I'm sorry, I never thought about the blood, I totally forgot about that one." he ran a hand through his hair, tugging at it slightly.

"It's fine, you helped me get though it in the end." I shrugged.

"No its not, you could have been suffering alone if it wasn't for Emmett. Next appointment you get me to tell you about it before ok, I'll explain everything that will happen, no nasty surprises and you demand me to be there, if I do a disappearing act you can even beat me up." he laughed lightly as he joked but I still nodded.

"It's fine, I was more concerned about how you were feeling about it all, you said you were scared but why? I know why I'm scared, that cos I have to squeeze a watermelon though a lemon."

His eyes scrunched up at my words as he broke down in hysterics. "In all my time I have never heard it being described as that, Love." I shrugged.

"Well, it is. I have to do it. All you need to do is hold my hand."

"I have seen some poor guys hands being crushed over the years."

"Are you trying to say you will be in more pain than me?" I jokingly challenged.

"No, god no." he shook his head firmly as he kissed my cheek.

"But I'll make sure that you are not put under any unnecessary pain or stress. I'll make it as painless as possible ok." I could hear his caring, nurturing side come out, it was all light and fun but at the end of the day this was how he always was, worried about me.

"But why are you scared?" I asked softly.

He sighed. "Because I'll have a little Bella too look after and I don't want to ever screw up, I'm screwing up with you and I don't want to ever think of myself doing that to something so small and defenceless."

"You never screwed up with me."

"Yes I did, I should have asked how you were, if you were scared."

I shrugged "Miscommunication." I told him.

"No, that was me thinking only about myself. I need to make sure I stop doing that and I need you to help me. It's not like I do it purposely all the time. I know I do do it just to be a prick, when I'm under that cloud, but you need to shake me out of it, anytime, ok."

I only nodded and he seen me questioning his words. "Bella, promise me, no more repeats of today. You're worried, you come to me, just like I'll come to you."

"But you didn't." I reminded him.

"I know, I didn't want to bring you down with me. I wanted you to have this one, we worked through everything else the past few weeks and I know I took some things from you because I wasn't on the same page and I didn't want that to happened today. But screw it, I tell you, you tell me, ok?"

I nodded "Ok."

He was right in everything he said, the reason we had been so good was because he had been honest. Now it was me that was trying to keep quiet about my fears. He had too but I knew he harboured them somewhere.

I picked up the scan photo looking at the little bean on the page. "So you think it's a girl?" I asked him, he referred to them as a little Bella.

"Yes, they have to be, they have little Bella shoes." he reminded me and I laughed as I looked across the room to the little baby converse that still sat out, to cute to hide.

"Emmett is sure it's a boy and that they look just like him." I told him with a smile.

He took he picture from me and glanced down a it "They do have a big head." he joked and I laughed hard.

"That's what I said, but I said they got it from you."

"I don't have a big head." he complained.

"No, no, just a big…ego." I rushed out quickly, laughing.

"Alright, Swan. Round two." and with that he pounced on me, consuming me with all his good light.

* * *

_**a/n: aww look at that - i can do fluff! get me! **_

_**Please check out my new story 'The Saints Are Coming' - its full of drama and angst and I'm really excited about it.**_

_**Ohh and plese review!!**_


	18. Chapter 17

_**a/n: Ok so this is for Boufant a.k.a. IndiesR – she was the h00r that complained about fading on the lemons last chappy lol – Just for you and your dirty mind my little hunii!! Enjoy! **_

_**Oh I and I'm sorry for lack of UD – I have been like crazy busy! But please know I'm always thinking about you and wanting to UD ASAP **__**all the time**__**.**_

* * *

**Chapter 17**

**EPOV**

"Wake up, handsome." I heard her call on me, her sweet voice against my ear as she tried to waken me.

I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to be dragged out of bed like I knew was going to happen and I really didn't want to have to spend the day with my sister dragging me around the damn city preping us for our wedding.

I wanted to hide under the bed covers and crawl up against Bella's side. That's what I wanted to do, but was I going to get it? _Christ, no_.

"Edward..." she breathed against my ear again and it made my skin tingle - everywhere.

Things had to be done but with the way I was feeling I wanted to take a rain check and make it another time and I knew that Bella would be happy to do so, but Alice, Alice was another matter.

I felt Bella's fingers run through my hair as she tried to waken me up. I was awake, I just didn't want her to leave my side so soon. Her lips met mine quickly and with the surprise sensation I opened my eyes to be met with her brown ones looking right back at me.

"I knew you were awake." she laughed a little the smile on her face, huge.

I didn't want to knock it off but I had a feeling that I would, that I would say or do something wrong with the pressure I was feeling today and I would act out.

Her eyes narrowed as she looked into mine. "Are you okay?" she asked, too damn perceptive for her own good.

I tried a small smile and a nod, but she saw straight through it.

It had been three weeks since the day of her scan and I had coped well, surprisingly well actually. I could see the shock in Bella too whenever I would bring it up. I had some bad moments but nothing serious and with only a moan of something from work to weddings I got over it.

But I could feel it begin to pull at me now. It wasn't depression or anger that swam through me but anxiety and the feeling that I was letting Bella down, though I knew I hadn't, not yet at least. I knew I had been difficult at he beginning of the pregnancy but since I had accepted it, it had been pretty much smooth sailing.

"Why do you want to marry me?" the look in her eyes never changed, she knew I was doubting myself and I hated that she could tell that look from me so easily.

"Hmmmmm...I don't know?" she shrugged her shoulders with her tone slightly mocking. "Perhaps cos you're hot?" She hit her index and middle finger off of her chin as if she was deep in thought about it. "I think...I think its because you're loaded." she laughed at that one and I knew as much as she was trying to make light of the situation, but it wasn't helping. Why did she want to marry me?

"Why?" I asked again. "Why do you want to get yourself into a lifetime agreement of matrimony with an asshole like me?"

"Because I love you, and I want to spend my lifetime with you, no one else. No one else is good enough, you're the best and I want the best." she told me as if she really believed her words.

She pushed me on to my back as she straddled over my legs. She reached down and kissed my bellybutton. "I love every part of you." she told me before trailing small kisses up to my heart before telling me. "But its your heart I love the most." she reached down and kissed my chest again before looking up and into my eyes. "I wish you knew how amazing you really are."

She climbed up me a little, her mouth reaching mine and fusing out lips together. I felt her tongue push against my mouth, looking for access and I couldn't refuse her, her tongue plunged into me as I felt her legs slide up by my sides as she brought her centre flush against me.

Her fingers ran through my hair as her tongue and mine continued to battle and my hands went to below her bottom, steadying her position against me.

It was heated and I could feel the room turn into an inferno but I didn't deserve her, not really, she was too good for me.

I broke away from our kiss and tried to shuffle away from below her. She quickly caught on to me though and held on tight by gripping her arms around my neck.

"Where do you think you're going?" she whispered into my neck.

"We should get ready." I shrugged.

"It's fine, we can be late." she told me with another little laugh.

"We can't, we need to get ready."

"No. Just a little time together. I need you." I knew she had picked up on my emotions and this was her trying to show that she did love me, like how she had said but I didn't want to be with her when I was like this. I still feared that I would hurt her like I had done a couple of months ago.

I wanted her, that was never the issue, I just worried about what I could do to her.

"No you don't, not like this." I begged.

"Why not?" Her words in my ear as I felt her fingers trail down my chest.

She always seemed so full of life, so brazen when I was like this, I didn't know if it was just because I felt so low or if she did actually gain some kind of confidence, though she never really was shy, not when we were in bed at least.

"Because I don't want a repeat performance of last time." my tone was barely audible.

"Edward, there wont be. I promise." she seemed so sure. "Come on, trust me. I love you."

Her eyes looked so intense as she stared right back into mine. I knew she loved me, and I trusted her, it was myself I didn't trust.

Her fingers skimmed along the waistband of my boxers I had slept in and I felt her tug at them, tucking her fingers below the surface ever so slightly.

"Bella..." I begged her again. I wanted her and she want helping.

"Edward, just relax okay." I felt her other hand comb my hair again and I relaxed a little as I felt her lips on my chest again, over my heart. "I love you, I wont let anything bad happen, okay?"

I closed my eyes and began to relax a little under her touch as her lips peppered my torso.

It felt so good and I felt so loved.

She crawled back up to me again and I opened my eyes to find her smiling at me softly as she ran the backs of her fingers against the apple of my cheek.

She rocked her bottom half forward and I felt her warm covered centre against my abdomen again.

I reached down, trailing my hand down her abdomen, it was getting rounder, it wasn't much really, it only looked as if she had eaten a big meal, she still seemed so tiny as she lay against me.

I let my hand play with her waist band like she was playing with mine as we continued to kiss. She broke her hand away from my waistband and took hold of my hand that played with hers, my other hand still cupping her bottom.

She took control as she slid my hand into her underwear and straight to her centre. I gasped in shock at her need and how good it felt.

Her forehead rested against my shoulder as I heard a begging "please" come from the back of her throat. She was so quiet I almost never heard her. But I knew what she was asking, I knew what she wanted. She was telling me I couldn't stop.

I reached for her temple, kissing it, at the same time I reached for her centre, slipping a finger inside her and hearing a gasp come from her. I used her moisture and reached for her clit, gently massaging it with the tips of my fingers.

Bella's hand slipped into my boxers and straight to my hard on, palming me with a tight grip.

I let a groan out, desperate for her.

I removed my hand away from her before I sat up a little, pulling her top up and off her head.

I could see her, her growing chest and her growing bump, she was filled with curves and she looked incredible for it.

I flipped her on to her back, my want for her becoming unbearable.

She let out a small giggle at the moment as she reached around my neck again. "I love you." she whispered against my lips before kissing me.

I broke away before placing a chaste kiss on her lips again "You too, Love." I mumbled to her before I ran my hands down her sides and reaching her bottoms. _They had to come off._

I pulled at the material and she lifter her bottom up slightly, letting the material slip out from under her before I ran them down the length of her beautiful legs and threw them to the floor.

She was completely naked and below me and but I still felt so undeserving but lucky at the same time.

She sat up on her elbows before reaching forward and pushing against one on my shoulders, pushing me back and down on to the mattress.

"I started this, I'm finishing it." she giggled out as she straddled my legs and began to pull at my boxers, down my legs and below her and off at my feet.

She reached down and I gasped in shock as my body went rigid and falling backwards into the pillows as I felt her take me in her mouth.

I gripped at the covers and my eyes screwed shut at the sensation.

Her fingers trailed the inside of my thighs as she hummed with me in her mouth and I felt myself begin to pant, trying to gain control of my breathing.

I was going to lose it, I was going to explode if she kept doing what she was doing.

I reached for her, catching the top of her arm and pulling her up. She released me from her as she went with the motion of me pulling her up.

"I thought you liked that?" she looked a little confused.

"I like that, too much. But I want to be with you right now, I was going to lose control there but I want to lose control with you." I told her seriously.

"You would have still have been with me." she assured and I guessed she was right but I wanted all of her.

I reached down and and kissed her lips, pulling her into me.

She was still determined though, that she was in control of this. She lowered herself on me to me, slowly and teasing, the whole damn way.

I knew what she was playing at and it was bringing me back to the surface, I had woken up, feeling like I was drowning in a sea of emotion but slowly, Bella was trying to lull me back to reality, back to being with her as a whole.

I grasped at her hips and pulled her down onto me, needing her so fucking desperately. I couldn't play her game any more, I couldn't take the teasing, I needed her and I needed her now.

She moaned at me pulling her down on to me but it was a good moan. She reached back slightly, letting all of me into her and I couldn't help my own moans at the sensation. She began to rock from her position and I felt every inch of me, taken by her.

I tried to support her, my hands reaching for her bottom and back, hoping to god she wasn't going to topple over. She placed two secure hands on my legs though and I relaxed knowing she was s little more stable.

The sensation built up as I felt her constantly coming back on to me, the tip of me hitting off the inside of her.

I struggled with my breathing again and I could hear Bella struggle too. She gasped at the air in the room with her eyes closed tight as she continued with her motions and moans.

I let my hand that rested on her bottom, come forward and reach for her clit again. As soon as my finger touched her there she bucked forward, almost throwing herself off of me.

She laughed as she stabled herself, caught completely off guard and I couldn't help but laugh at her face too.

"Warn me next time." she joked as she continued with her rocking but sitting up a little more now and looking down at me.

I wanted her lips, I wanted her to know exactly what she was doing to me and what she was giving me, what she was pulling me from.

Pulling on her arm she shifted against me, her chest against mine and our lips both automatically went for the others. We broke away but our eye contact still remained and it was intense.

"Thank you." I mumbled out in the air between us as we still continued to rock, a ball of energy building up inside of me.

"I love you." she breathed out, as if it explained everything. She knew exactly what was happening. I couldn't tell from the look in her eyes, the kisses she gave and the energy that passed between us.

Her breath was becoming laboured, her struggle to hold on was crystal clear.

She reached for my hand, kissing the tips of my fingers before taking one in her mouth and sucking on it gently.

My head pressed back into the pillow below me as I felt my self buckle, the ball in my gut exploding at the same time I felt Bella's walls clinch around me and her nails biting into the surface of my skin as she continued to fight for eye contact between us. The intense glazed expression that changed in front of me had me wrapping my arm around her and pulling her tight into me as we both rode out the pleasure together, myself emptying into her.

Her rigid body and mine both slumped at the same time, our eye contact finally breaking as she slumped forward, resting her forehead against mine and closing her eyes. I closed mine too but opened them almost instantly as I heard her laugh above me.

She said sorry but the look on her face told me anything but.

"That was mind amazing." she panted out. She was right it had been, it was incredible to feel that connected to someone after so long. "That; that's why I'm marrying you." she laughed again but even harder this time as her lips searched from mine, kissing me, all the time still laughing.

I couldn't say anything, I couldn't form any words, never mind sentences. She had turned my mind to mush and I was perfectly happy with that.

She rested on top of me, me still connected to her and my arms locked around her waist.

I began to feel myself nod off and the heat and smell from Bella only pulled me further under.

* * *

We both jolted up right at the sound of my mobile phone ringing, reaching for it I saw _Alice_ flash across the screen._ Of course it was._

I quickly answered it, scanning the alarm clock at the same time.

"Sorry, Alice. We've slept in, you just woke us up there." I rushed out instantly knowing she would be after blood.

"_What? I told Bella to set the alarm."_ she whined. She was giving me a headache already and I was still to leave the apartment and actually meet her.

Bella got up and rushed out of the bedroom, no doubt heading for the shower.

"Well it mustn't have went off or something." I lied with a sigh.

"_Okay, give me a ring when you're on your way. Do you still want breakfast?"_ she asked.

"Can we make it lunch?" I prayed.

"_No, get your ass down here as soon as, ok, both of you."_ she nipped.

Why had Bella agreed to let Alice take control of _our_ wedding. This was going to be insufferable.

"Fine, I'll call you when were heading." and with it I snapped my phone shut.

I couldn't be bothered with this day, I wanted it alone with Bella, the only person who seemed to understand what I needed when I felt like this.

My mind felt exhausted and I just couldn't pick myself up to feel happy. I wanted to get married to Bella, that wasn't a doubt, but the carnage my sister would make to get it perfect – _they way she_ _thought it should be_, that was my doubt. I felt like I was being dragged down already and I had a feeling Alice would take me to my breaking point.

She just could be so demanding sometimes, she meant well but it didn't come off as that all of the time.

I gathered my thoughts as Bella came back through with a wicked glint in her eye, no doubt amused at the whole situation.

I stood up and she reached up, kissing me chastity on the lips and smacking my backside as I passed her on the way to the shower.

I was happy I could at least put a smile on her face, she had put one on mine too but it was hard to keep with the way I was feeling today but I tried to keep positive, we were planning our wedding and I felt some buzz from that knowing soon we would be married and in just over five moths we would be our own little family.

I let the water wash down me but I was already still pretty relaxed from Bella's persuasion earlier. I washed my hair and my body before stepping back out the shower and drying myself with the towel before I wrapped it around my waist and headed back to the bedroom.

Getting there I saw Bella sitting on the bed, slouched forward with her face in her hands. She was crying. My heart jumped into my throat at the thought of something wrong with her, something wrong with the baby.

My heart rate picked up as I rushed to kneel in front of her. "Love, are you okay?" I asked, desperate to hear I was seeing wrong.

She shook head, no.

"What's happened, what's wrong?" I looked at her, trying to asses her closed off posture.

"I'm fat." she croaked out as a wave of tears began to pour out of her eyes.

"What?" I asked, confused as hell.

"My jeans, they don't fit me any more. I can't fasten them. I knew it would happen but nothing fits me any more." she cried out again.

I sat up on the bed next to her and pulled her into my side. "You're not fat, Love. You're having a baby. It's what happens, it's normal."

Bella was always the rational one, the one that could see things for what they really were, how could she not see this was normal, that it was expected.

"I know, but I have never wore them before, they were jeans I picked up in a sale and when I got them home they were huge on me and now they can't even fasten.

I wondered what exactly her definition of "huge" was going by how they sat on her and she was still pretty tiny.

"There jeans, you have too much one dinner, and they dig into you." I shrugged. "Having a baby grow inside of you isn't going to let you keep wearing some pair of old jeans, and you will get bigger." I didn't want to give her that blow but she knew it would be coming.

"You need to go shopping..." I rubbed at her shoulder as she still continued to cry.

"I have to go and get fat peoples clothes." she huffed.

"Isabella Swan, you are not fat and neither is anyone who is even remotely close to your size, even if they're not pregnant. You are tiny, look at you. You don't even look like your having a baby."

She sniffled below me a little and I reached her cheek, wiping away her tears.

"But my clothes don't fit me any more..." she moaned like a little kid but I let her have it, after putting up with me over the years, it was the least she deserved.

"They're not mean too, Bella. You have baby growing inside of you." I sighed a little at her bloody mindedness.

"We can go shopping after we have spoken to Alice, okay?"

She nodded, "But what am I meant to do just now?"

I shrugged "Leave the button open."

"But I'll look stupid."

"You won't, you will look like a pregnant woman who needs to go shopping." I smiled at her.

The look on her face told me to stop trying to bullshit her and just tell her the truth, but that was the truth.

"Wear a top over it that covers it, no one will be any wiser. You will still look just as beautiful." I promised her as I kissed her forehead.

She nodded silently before getting up and heading back to the wardrobe and I stood up following her.

She looked through the clothes as if none of them were quite what she wanted.

"Bella..." I knew something still wasn't sitting quite right with her.

"I know, I'm sorry. I knew I was getting bigger, I looked forward to it but..." she sighed. "Now I just feel like, I'm not me any more."

I could sympathize with that one. It was the exact same feeling I had with myself when I woke up.

"Sometimes, Love, we just have to take the changes and recognise that despite them, were still the same person. Maybe it's a small change, like a little bit of a bump." I leaned forward into her back and rested my chin on her shoulder and placed my hand on her stomach, like I did so easily now.

"And sometimes there's big changes, like becoming a mother. It's is going to happen, but you will still be you. You will still be that girl I fell in love with all those years ago." I leaned forward and kissed her cheek and her arm reached up behind her, combing my hair.

"I'm sorry." she sighed out.

"Don't be, and don't be ever worried to come to me and cry or bitch about the way you are feeling, okay."

I knew she wouldn't feel exactly like me but her emotions would be up and down, similar to mine and I suppose I felt sorry for her having to go though anything like that, to feel up one minute and down the next.

She nodded, telling me yes.

"Alight then, so what are you going to wear?" I asked as she began to look through the rail of clothes once again.

* * *

She took hold of my hand with a smile on her face and wearing her jeans with the button open and one of my checked shirts.

There was nothing she felt comfortable in, she struggled with her expanding waist and the fact that she couldn't get her jeans fastened and she just simply couldn't wear one of her own tops. She felt self conscious and until she learned to accept her new body, I wasn't going to push her into wearing something she didn't want too.

She took one of my shirts and it hid her cute little bump that I loved to see and I accepted it, because this was about her, not me.

I did miss the bump though, but I loved the smile I got in its place.

"You two are so late." Alice moaned the moment we got there.

"Alice, don't start." I wasn't having her pull Bella down any more than she already was.

"Where have you been, I called you an hour and a half ago." She demanded.

"Alice, quit being a bitch and stop with the rant." I snapped, like a knew I was going to do.

"Hey." Jasper jumped in instantly, defending Alice.

"It's been a long morning, but we're here now, okay. We were late and we're sorry, but can we just get on with things." Bella jumped in.

Alice only eyed her suspiciously. "What do you want to go over first?" Alice asked, clearly moving on after Bella's little outburst.

"What do you want us to look at first?"

"How bout the flower's?" she asked. "We're getting Emmett at two o'clock for the suits."

We both nodded as Alice opened up books of flower arrangements.

"I think that would be a nice one to go with, to go with the bridesmaids dresses." Alice pointed.

"What colour is the dresses?" Bella asked confused.

"Lilac. I thought you wanted lilac. You did say lilac right?" Alice panicked.

Bella's brows furrow forward. "I said they were nice, I didn't say I was having them though."

"I thought you were going for the lilac." Alice grumbled.

"You showed me a million pictures last week, I thought it was just ideas." the stress of this was getting to her already and we had only been here five minutes.

"It was, but you lingered over them." Alice shrugged.

"Has anything been ordered yet?" Jasper asked, being the diplomat.

"Nothing I can't cancel, I suppose." Alice shrugged, looking deflated.

"Alice, it's fine, we will go with the lilac." Bella told her.

"Don't go with it if you don't want too, Bella." This was her day, I wanted her to have it the way she wanted.

"No! Edward, It's fine. I like the lilac. I would have picked the lilac." she lied, she was only saying that for Alice's benefit, I was sure.

"Okay, so that was the dresses you wanted?" Alice checked and Bella nodded, no doubt just agreeing to her.

"Okay, they should be in within the next week and then we can get them altered. We will begin to look for your dress later today." she told us.

"Umm, sorry, we can't. We have plans." I told Alice gently. I knew Bella would need a dress but I also knew she needed new cloths a lot more.

"Why?" she asked surprised.

"We're going shopping." I shrugged.

"Shopping?" Alice practically spat. "I'm trying to help you arrange your wedding and you want to go shopping."

I knew this was a mistake, give her something to take control over and she storms in acting the neo-natzi and act like a pissed off child.

"Calm down. We need to go shopping but she can go with you another day."

"But Rosalie is getting us, we were meant to go after the suits." she whined.

"Well something more important came up." I told her carefully.

"Shopping? That's more important than your own wedding, the biggest day of you're lives".

"We don't have to go, Edward..." Bella tried, but I wasn't having it. I wanted Bella to be comfortable with what she wore and not to feel so damn self conscious, because with her, this was about how she looked and if I could take that concern away from her, I would.

"Yes we do. Sorry Alice, Rose will understand. And it isn't the biggest day of our lives, the day our baby comes will be the biggest day of our lives, not some party. I love Bella and I'm dying to marry her but I would be a lot happier if we skipped to Vegas and done it."

"Well why don't you just do that? Why waste my time if it means nothing to you."

"It does, Alice." Bella glared at me, knowing fine well I was getting my sisters back up, but she had to realize there was more important things going on in our lives than getting married. Christ knows how desperate I was for it but with the mood of the day so far, it just seemed so insignificant. My only concern right now was Bella and the baby.

I sighed. "We just have to get some things sorted...for the baby." I tried to reason, show her that we had a real excuse.

"The baby isn't due for months, you're getting married in six weeks, the wedding, is more important."

I groaned in frustration, I knew what she was meaning, but for her to put it like that, I didn't want to ever think of the wedding as more important than our child. I knew I wasn't being rational but I didn't care. I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be in bed with Bella or at the very least be shopping, making her feel better in clothes she would rather wear.

I wanted an argument, I could feel it trying to get out of me, the need to push against Alice just for the sake of it.

Jaspers eyes narrowed on me and I couldn't blame him, he always knew when I got like this.

I stood up, needing to get away.

They all looked up from there seats surprised at my movement. Bella tugged on my hand, silently begging me to stay.

"I'm just going for some air." I promised her.

She looked worried but she nodded, accepting my words before I disappeared out the front door.

It was mid November and the cold Seattle weather was biting.

I heard a shuffle of foot steps not long later and I knew it would be Jasper with either a caring word or a sharp dig for speaking to Alice the way I had.

Turing around I was met with the Alice and her arms crossed, looking rather pissed to say the least.

"What the hell was that about?" she practically yelled.

I sighed and looked away. "I'm just having a shitty day and so is Bella. She had a minor meltdown earlier when she couldn't fasten her jeans."

Her face softened instantly and she looked sorry for ever questioning me. "That's why you want to take her shopping." It wasn't a question and her soft tone was trying to apologizes.

I nodded and she walked up to me, wrapping arms around my waist. "I'm sorry, you were late and I had to cancel some things that we should have done, but it doesn't matter. I was just in a huff."

I laughed a little. "I think we're all in a huff today. I just woke up...I'm fighting it for Bella and trying so damn hard and so was she then she got upset cos her bump is getting bigger and she's all self-conscious which is ridiculous because she stunning." I sighed, thinking about her and the fact she had been in tears.

"I just wanted her to feel better, you know. I can't fix my head but I can try and fix hers." I shrugged.

"Look at you, all grown up. What did you do with the real Edward?" she winked up at me, teasing.

"I guess he just grew up." I shrugged. It felt like I had, the past few week had been a whirlwind of emotions, bad ones but so many more good ones.

I remembered hearing the sound of my baby's heart beat and that was me. Something clicked. I really needed to step up and grow up.

I hadn't realized that Bella had been scared to go to the scan and if it wasn't for Emmett making me see, I would have missed out on that experience and also, I would have been still so unaware of how Bella was coping.

She was always so strong and she held me up, but that day I saw that she really needed someone there for her too, someone to constantly looking out for her. It wasn't just a case that she had a run in with someone or something, I had to read her and make sure she wasn't hiding anything.

She was good at it, she was a lot more up front and we had talked about her fears. It made me feel a little more normal and rational that it wasn't only me that had them.

But this was a new one, this wasn't something I could reassure her of, she had to be comfortable in herself. It was so easy and simple to go out and by her clothes but she also needed to realize that she was going to get bigger but that it didn't make her any less attractive, my anxiety of not feeling good enough for Bella was similar to how she must have been feeling, she felt like she wasn't attractive and even though she hadn't questioned me on it, I knew she was wondering if I thought any less of her for it.

I didn't, I thought she still looked gorgeous as she always did and I loved the small changes, it was different.

Like she had reassured me so many times in life, like she did for me this morning, I was now going to have to reassure her too. It seemed strange, she was so strong but now she was needing to lean on someone, and I was going to be the very person for the job.

"Come on, bro. I'll let you go after the suits without argument if we go back and make a start. That's if you're not skipping out on us to Vegas?"

I laughed and shook my head. "Temping...But for Bella, I'll do it. Lets get this sorted."

She gave a nod and grabbed hold of my arm, pulling me back into the café.

* * *

**_a/n: Please review! and i hope you like the lemons, h00r ;) lol!_**


	19. Chapter 18

_**a/n; I'm still alive – so so sorry, I have been so busy then I had a little break away but I got this posted as soon as it was done with. I hope your not all too mad at the delay. **_

_**Also – This is a sequel – "House of the Rising Sun" is the first story **_

_**some people are still not realizing this.**_

**_Over 8,000 words as a sorry to my lovely readers_**

* * *

**Chapter 18**

**BPOV**

Pulling his hand up to my lips, I kissed the back of it. He looked down at me with a small smile, carrying my countless bags filled with countless new clothes.

He was trying, he was trying so damn hard for me and I loved him even more for it. I could see the pull on him this morning from the moment his eyes opened and I had been trying to keep him with me ever since.

We made love, it was fun and intimate, but we had real life to get back to; _Alice._

She had driven me mad as soon as we sat down to meet her and Jasper, and I could see Edward's grip slip that little more with her nipping.

He went outside for air and she followed him, I would have preferred Jasper went, but Alice was adamant that she spoke to him.

They came back in a few moments later, Edwards brow still sat a little creased. They had came to some kind of truce and I was certain that Edward would have told her about my mini breakdown to shut her up. I didn't mind. That's how life always was, open and honest, it was the way it had to be. Though I was sure he waited until they were in private so not to try and upset me further, to not make me feel any more self-conscious than I already was.

Really, it was ridiculous and stupid. I was having a baby. I knew I was going to get fat, I just forgot that I was going to have to buy new clothes. I mean, somewhere in my head, I had thought about it, getting bigger, my baby growing. But the reality, it scared me. It scared me and I felt like I was losing my identity a little. I wasn't Bella any more, I was just a giant walking incubator, I had a purpose, a job and this was what I had to do.

But it was what I wanted, what I wanted to do. I wanted this baby and now I was going to have to start realizing it wasn't just going to magically appear, but it was going to grow slowly and I was the one that was in charge.

Edward dropped our clasped hands and pulled me into his side as we walked through the shopping mall. He gripped at my side and his hand went to my belly, almost instinctively, shielding our baby.

I tugged his hand away, off of the fat and onto my side a little.

After all trouble I had to get him to touch me there in the first place, I was now stopping him. But it just made me feel so self-conscious.

His footing slowed as he called my name questionably "Bella...?"

I tried to speed him along a little again but it was useless, he gripped me around the waist with his arm, pulling me from my walk, to stop where he stood.

I didn't fight him, I stopped on the spot he pulled me on and I could feel his eyes on me. He pulled at my chin with a finger and I couldn't even attempt to keep my head down.

Looking up I saw that look in his eyes, he was still with me but I didn't know for how much longer, they were almost black, with some kind of thirst to tear into someone, to shout and scream at. I knew it was coming, surely he could feel it too, but he was here, sticking by my side trying to make _me _feel better.

I had never felt so weak in my life.

I wanted to cry for the turmoil he must have felt, the emotional confusion.

"Why did you do that?" he asked after what seemed like forever.

"What?" I tried to play dumb, pretend to have no clue what he was talking about.

"Pull my hand off of you, off the baby. Don't do that." his words were so soft but they were firm, the look in his eyes said everything. He seemed almost angry.

I looked away from him, over his shoulder but he made me look at him again, his head tilting into my vision.

"What's the matter?" He shouldn't be asking me that, I should be concerned about him. It's the way it works.

"Nothing..." I mumbled out feeling crazy.

It was nothing, nothing I shouldn't have expected.

_I was having a baby._

"Bella..." I could hear the demand in his voice even though he was still so soft with me.

"I...I just feel self-conscious, okay?" I told him honestly.

"We'll we just bought you clothes, what else can I do?" he asked seriously, as if he could just fix it – wave some magic wand over it or pull out his plastic. He couldn't fix this. No one could. Not for at least another five and a bit months, could this begin to fix.

"Nothing. You can't do anything. I just feel fat, I have this huge stomach and it's only going to get bigger..." I sighed looking away from him again.

He pulled onto the front of his shirt I wore, pulling me into him as he leaned down to my ear. "Well I think you look great, sexy. I still have that image of you from this morning," his voice got lower and huskier and it sent a shiver down my spine. "on top of me, going at it..." he sniggered a little and I felt hot with embarrassment. "You weren't self-conscious then, you were fucking hot."

He practically growled in my ear with something from this morning no doubt flashing through his head as he pulled away from me and I felt myself blush all the way to my toes.

He laughed as he pulled me into him and kissed my lips with desperation. Almost dark.

It was sinister but seductive.

I felt his tongue barge into my mouth, tasting me as he hummed in delight. I felt his hand stroke over my stomach, and as I jolted away from his touch he caught my back and pulled me against him, his hand between us again, stroking at the material of his shirt, over my gut.

I was pulled into him, giving up to him and his wicked demeanour. I was lost on him and soon enough he would be lost on me too, but each others loss was at completely different ends of the spectrum.

So I took it and relished it, needing it before he was gone.

He broke away, brining me back to reality and the passing eyes that glared our public display of affection.

They could piss off because they would never understand.

His smile was smug and I could feel the corners of my lips wanting to mirror his mouth, but at the same time I still wanted to cry. His eyes were blacker and soon he would be completely gone from me, but he had kept on fighting to stay here, to stay with me, to help me feel that little bit better.

* * *

I stood there in floods of tears watching him pack.

He was leaving. _He was actually leaving me_.

The black cloud had washed over him in the car, a sudden snap at traffic and he had lost it.

He had lost his fight and he had lost himself.

"Stop with the fucking tears, Bella, I won't tell you again." he roared as he sorted through his toiletries.

"Don't go. Please don't go." I grabbed hold of his hand and tried to kiss it again but he shook me off.

"Bella!" he snapped at my affection.

"Don't go." I begged again, the tears making me sob and my heart tightening at the scariest scene I had saw from him yet.

"You know why I'm going. I'll be back." he promised. And I knew he would, but I still couldn't bare the thought of us being parted like this. He had never left me in any dark cloud. I had left him if I need to for work and also when I found out I was pregnant and he made me choose. No other time had we parted.

"Don't go." I cried again, pulling at his bag of toiletries and shaking the contents out all around the floor.

"Fuck, you are going to have me strangling you." he shouted again. I knew he would never hurt me, not physically, I was never afraid of him ever for that, I was afraid of being without him though, for him to go to his mothers just now.

He knelt down to the floor picking up the bag and some of the contents while I tired my best to kick the other items further out of reach.

Right now I truly believed that Edward held the most sanity out the two of us.

"You can't go." I shouted at him, my hand on my hips.

He dropped the bag and I thought I was starting to win until he stood in front of me and reached for my waist, pulling on my wrists and taking my hands in his.

"You know I need to go. Don't make this any harder. You have had a shit awful day already and it will only be a matter of time before some more shit comes exploding out my mouth." he was loud and he was clear. I knew exactly why he was doing it, but I still wanted him here.

"But I can take your words, there only words, right? You don't mean them." I tried to get him to see nothing was different.

Dropping my hands he pulled at his hair. "You can't take them-"

"I can." I argued.

"You can't, I'm going to get vicious and I'll come at you and use your emotions against you. It's so fucked up, I do realize, but you have to listen to me, I know what's going to happen I can feel it in my fucking system. It's only going to get worse if I stay here. I'm not taking it out on you, not when you're like this."

"Like what?" I spat. Was he using the fact that I was pregnant against me. _Was that what I was guilty of?_

"Like this, if you weren't pregnant you would have let me go, you would have been upset and maybe there would have been some tears but I wouldn't have had this from you. This is fucking nuts, Bella. You must see that?" He glanced down at the can of deodorant I spilt out of the wash bag and I kicked it away from us even further.

"Fuck off, Bella." he shouted as he turned away from me. "Just get out of my sight until I'm gone. I don't want to see you any more, not like this."

"No, you can't tell me what to do." I knew I was still acting completely irrational, but he was leaving me, it might not be forever but he might think this whole pregnancy was a bad idea. He might have doubts again and decide he doesn't want the baby or me.

I raced up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist and I heard him sigh in frustration.

He placed his hands over mine and I knew he was weakening. I had to keep trying. I didn't want him to be without me. Helping Edward go through this was part of our norm. He couldn't just change it because he was worried he would upset me. I could handle it.

_Least I was sure I could still handle it._

He had dark times since I had found out I was pregnant, was he so concerned he would get that bad this time that he felt he had to leave me, just in case. In case I couldn't handle him.

I felt his warmth on my cheek, the back of his t-shirt, soft and a little damp with perspiration, most likely caused by arguing with me.

I could smell him so well, it was nice and it just pained me more that he thought I could sleep without this, without him and his smell. I needed him and his smell. Especially now.

"Please don't leave me." the words escaped my mouth, I didn't mean for them to come out again, they just did. It was all that was in my mind.

"I'm not leaving you, I'm just keeping you out of my firing line, just until the worst is over." his words were calmer but he still sounded so sure of himself.

"No." I told him just as firm.

He sighed lightly "Yes."

"No, you don't get too." My grip around his waist tightened and he pulled my arms apart, turning around to face me.

I wouldn't look at him, not if he was just going to go and break my heart.

"You need to be reasonable here. I'm not being mean, I'm looking after you."

"I can handle it." I grumbled to the floor, feeling totally pissed off that he wouldn't listen to me, that he just kept ignoring me and my pleas. I thought he loved me. "Please, I love you."

I suddenly felt myself being pushed backwards, into the direction of the bed. "Sit down." he mumbled softly when I felt the backs of my legs crash into the bed frame.

Doing what I was told, I sat with a leg under me as he sat across from me, next to me.

"Look at me, Bella." he sounded like he was back, like it was _my_ Edward that was with me.

Keeping my eyes trained to the mattress, I silently refused him.

"Bella..." he sighed again, pulling at my chin with his finger, making me meet his eyes once again.

"I know you can handle it, I'm not doubting you. But you're having a baby, I'm not putting that stress on to you, okay?" he was so sweet and loving, if it wasn't for the dark look in his eye, there wouldn't be a doubt in my mind at his words. But that dark look was there, and he was leaving me, I couldn't let him go. I never wanted him to ever go.

"But, we were going to get married." I couldn't help it. I felt so lost. I could only see this coming back on me, as him leaving me, permanently. Like I had left him. But that I came back and he wouldn't.

"Kiss me..." his voice called out to me, he was a little sharper this time, he sounded aggravated.

"What? No." I told him instantly, not really knowing why I was turning away his demand, I wanted to kiss him.

He let out a little laugh at my stupidity before rubbing his face and letting out a groan. I was pulling him in every direction here and was beginning to believe that him going to Esme's for a few days was a good idea. It wasn't fair what I was doing to him.

He looked back down at me with a small knowing smile playing his lips. "Bella, we're still getting married but I need to keep you safe-"

"I am safe, you won't hurt me." I jumped in on his words before he got to finish.

He nodded agreeing. "I won't hurt you, Christ of course I won't. I need to know I'm not stressing you out, for the baby too. If I let go and you get it, if I snap at you, it will dig in to you, even though you say it won't, it might, and I can't risk that. I won't send you into hospital with blood pressure sky rocketing through the roof cos I can keep my fucking mouth closed." he snarled his words again, getting annoyed at the whole situation.

I was touched with his concern but I ignored every word he said. All I need was him. He would stress me out by not being here. "Please, don't go."

He growled out the word "fuck" into the air before crashing into the mattress, face first and gripping his fists.

Taking my chance to keep him with me, I climbed onto his back, laying down on top of the length of him, kissing his t-shirt covered shoulder.

He shook his head into the mattress and mumbled something totally incoherent. I didn't hear what he said, and I didn't care because I knew it wouldn't be good.

"I love you." I reached forward catching the side of his face and kissed him again. I peppered the little bit of skin with kisses along with his ear and moving down to his neck.

I felt desperate for him again, just like how I felt his kiss was earlier when we were in the mall.

Unclenching his fist he reached round his back and tried to shift me off of him. I gave in, sliding down by his side and watching him carefully.

He was still trying so hard, even after he lost it, it seemed as if he was coming back to me again.

I knew I wouldn't be that lucky, that the outburst he had earlier wouldn't be all we got. This was the calm before the storm.

He was trying to get out; I was trying to weather it out.

_I always weathered it out._

"Make love to me?" I asked him, looking into his eyes, though his were cast away from mine, looking at some stray thread on the duvet cover.

He quickly looked up at me though, he was surprised but his face changed quickly and you could see the dark in his eyes cloud over that little more.

"I'm not going there again, I'm not..." he sighed and screwed tight his beautiful green eyes.

"I'll let you go." I bargained.

His eyes snapped back up at me once again, no doubt questioning me. If I was being honest or not, if I was tricking him.

He could go. I would let him, but I was going with him. I could sleep in the room I occupied the first time I stayed with them. The room next to Edwards, as long as I was under the same roof I could survive.

"We're not going there." he told me flatly.

"Please...I need you." I begged. I really needed him. I needed him to hold me and I needed just lay in his arms. I knew I was being so selfish but I couldn't help it. It just hurt so damn much when he told me he was going to stay at his mothers for a few days.

He told me as soon as we got back in the apartment, after he had spent the past thirty minutes ranting about ever "shitty" driver on the road – Apparently I was one too after spending years of driving a "shitty" truck. I ignored him though and then he told me he was leaving.

He shook his head firmly, sitting up and looking down at the floor, his gaze on the toiletry bag.

I reached forward, trying to wrap my arms around his neck ,as he swerved out from me, with a shiver in repulsion at the though of me touching him.

"Leave me alone." he whispered out, tiredly. "I need to finish packing."

I felt so completely rejected and no matter what I tried to push into my head, that he didn't really mean it, it wouldn't stay in there.

_He was leaving me._

It was all I could see and hear and nothing else was changing that.

Silently he pulled out his phone from his jeans pocket and began to touch the screen, calling someone.

"Mum." he began and I knew he was telling her to expect him, that he would be staying with her.

"I'm going to stay with you for a few days." he told her followed by a short silence.

"Bella's staying here. She needs too..." he sighed in to the phone, tugging at his hair.

I could hear the tiny mumbles of Esme's voice on the phone but I didn't know what she was saying.

"I just am, okay." he shouted. "Bella, will speak to you, she will explain."

He sighed before he handed me his mobile phone as he kept his eyes to the floor.

What did he expect me to say to her? I didn't want him too go.

I took the phone with a little hesitation at agreeing to this, that it made me feel like I was somehow agreeing with it. I wasn't.

And he was going to learn that.

"Hello, Esme." I spoke calmly to her, trying to keep my composure when all I wanted to do was to let the tears flood me again.

"_Bella, what's going on? Why is Edward coming here?"_ She sounded panicked and worried.

"He...he's having some kind of episode and he wants to keep away fro me. He thinks I can't handle it." it bit, as I let my look burn into his eyes as he looked back at me.

"I didn't say that." he mumbled to me, trying for his mother not to hear down the phone.

"_Are you okay, sweetheart. Is he being a total ass?"_ she asked and her sweet caring tone made me want to laugh as she spoke about her son being an ass.

"A pretty big one, but nothing I can't handle." I sniggered as Edward's eyes narrowed at me.

"Give me the phone." he spat, signalling for me to pass it back to him, but I wasn't going to. I was still talking to Esme.

I heard her laugh a little down the phone _"That's what I like to hear, but if he is concerned about you, maybe you should let him come here without too much fuss."_ she was right and in a way and so was Edward, but I still didn't want to be separated from him.

"Yes." I sighed, giving up. I wasn't going to win this one. Least if he went to Esme's, she would be able to speak to him. She was the person we could both trust when we needed to see something from the others point of view. She was always so simplistic with her words too, but they just made sense.

"He'll be over soon." I told her and Edwards eyes widened with surprise.

He stood up and reached down for his bag on the floor, the one that he dropped filled with all his essentials.

"Can I just ask one thing...Please?" I asked sweetly as I watch Edward pack his deodorant, the deodorant I had kicked across the room, into the bag.

"_Of course, anything. What do you want?"_

"Can I stay in my old room for a few days?" Edward dropped the bag that was in his hands as he rushed over to me, trying to take the phone out of my hand and I could hear Esme laugh a little.

He could go to his mothers but I had a room there too, and I was staying in it if I had too.

We always referred to the room next to Edward's as mine. No one else had slept in it since I had all those years ago, except from myself and Edward.

"_Of course you can, dear. You know you are welcome here any time." _I knew I was and I knew she would never knock me back, even if it angered Edward.

"Give it back." He growled, as he fought the phone out of my hand.

"Okay, thanks, I'll see you soon." I called out down to her as he pulled it away from my ear.

"No, mum-" He tried like I knew he would.

I felt a little giddy after my stunt but at least I knew I would be next to Edward. I could stay out his way in that huge house no problem but still sleep soundly knowing he was near.

He pulled the phone away from his ear "She hung up on me." he shouted, bringing all the tension that I had felt, back.

He glared down at the phone as if it had just offended him, as if it was personally responsible for what I had just done.

He launched it at the wall and it hit off it dropping to the floor in countless pieces.

I felt scared but most of all I felt guilty.

I had to be with him, but I never meant to push him over _that _edge.

* * *

Slamming the car door shut, he shot to the front door of his mothers house. I got out the car by myself, very uncommon with Edward always helping me out, and I tugged on the small bag I had brought with me, full of my things.

He was instantly by my side again snapping the bag away from me and back at his spot at the front door as Esme opened the door for us, Edward, instantly rushing past her.

I rolled my eyes at him, knowing he would be staying away from us for the rest of the night if he could help it.

"Just ignore him." I told her, her face a little surprised at his actions and that he hadn't acknowledged her at all.

"Funny, I was just about to say the same thing to you." she smiled a little but it wasn't her usual one. She was worried about Edward and I couldn't blame her.

"He thinks you hung up on him." I told her, I knew that she would never have purposely hung up on her son and that she would have thought the conversation to be over, this was not a rational Edward we were dealing with at present and I had to keep reminding myself of that after not seeing him as low as this in such a long time.

He had been dark, just not pitch black.

She never spoke but her face said it all. I knew she would instantly want to try to make it up to him, let him know she hadn't but I knew it was bet to let him at least cool down a little.

The entire journey had been a nightmare and the only reason he agreed to drive me there was because I had told him I was tired, that I needed him to. No matter how irrational he was being just now, his common sense over my safety never left him and he knew it would be safer for me to travel with him rather than drive myself when I was tired.

But I wasn't tired at the time, I only said that to keep close to him. It was wrong and bad to lie over something so trivial but I was able to see that it was only his mind that was being affected just now, that his body was fine. Also I knew if he showed some concern, that Edward still had some grip on reality.

"Are you okay?" she asked so softly, her voice full of concern. I was okay, shaken up but I could handle him. It wasn't anything I hadn't expected.

"Fine." I told her. It was a mild answer and I knew she could see through it.

"How are you really, Bella?" she asked again.

Letting out a sigh she closed the door behind me. "Tired." it told her truthfully. It had been such a long day and I wanted to crawl into my bed and lay next to Edward. But I wasn't getting that.

"You should have a sleep, an early night." she suggested to me. I could do with the sleep. I had lied about being tired so to Edward drive me, now I needed to rest. I was drained, physically and emotionally.

"I've only just got here..." I couldn't be so rude and just to skip off to bed without at least explaining why we were both here, sleeping under her roof when we had a perfectly good one of our own.

She laughed lightly at my words "Go, go sleep. You need to look after yourself. We can chat about it in the morning."

I nodded a little, my mind almost in a daze.

"Thanks." It was all I could mumble out. Here we both were acting like children almost and she was putting up with it. I had no idea why.

"Get some rest. Edward was off with your bag I think. It'll be in your room." I nodded a little reaching into Esme, hugging her goodnight. She held on to me tight and it felt like she was there, reassuring me. It was what I needed and without Edward by my side, I took it, all of it, I let her blanket me with her warm glow that I had been drained of earlier as I argued with Edward.

I never saw him for the rest of the night. Our only run in was exactly that, a run in.

I hadn't heard him creep down the stairs and go into the kitchen. I walked in, caught of guard, smack bang right into him and knocking his plate out of his hand. It went tumbling to the floor and ruining his just made sandwich and he lost it.

He blew up, cursing, shouting. I stood there completely dumbfounded at his words and I took them in. I took every single one of them in, he cut deep and it hurt.

I knew I was to fight his words, to just ignore them but this wasn't just about me. It was about our baby and I filled with fear thinking that he could think so little of them.

_He didn't want them._

He told me a dozen different ways that it was all wrong, _that I was wrong._

Carlisle stepped in, hearing our argument from up the stairs in his bedroom.

"Edward." I heard Carlisle voice from behind and I jumped with fright at his command, his scalding to his son.

"This has nothing to do with you." Edward fired back over my shoulder in the direction of his father.

Carlisle stood in front of me, protecting me from the man I loved, from the man who loved me. Edward stood with his arms crossed and poised for the defence of Carlisle's wrath.

Carlisle turned to me, his face softening as his eyes met mine. He walked a step to me, reaching for my face and thumbing my tears from my face. I hadn't even noticed I was crying.

"Keep your hands off her." Edward growled at his own father as he pulled on Carlisle's arm, breaking the concerned look he carried from me.

Carlisle immediately stepped forward, closer to Edward and got in his face. "Do that once more son and you are out of here, that wasn't how you were raised and I won't let you get away with it, not in my own damn house." you could almost hear Carlisle growl at him, warning him to back off.

Edward never flinched in his spot and Carlisle turned to face me again. "Bella, go up the stairs and see Esme." he smiled softly but I couldn't go. I felt more tears begin to pour as I shook my head, defying the man who was like a second father to me.

"You go up the stairs, leave me and Bella alone." Edward shouted, stepping into his fathers face again.

"No, this isn't happening Edward. You came here because you were trying to protect her from yourself. I'm not letting it happen." He told him firmly.

"Well, you know what? You don't have a damn say in the thing. Piss off."

"Speak like that again Edward and you're our." Her warned again.

I knew I had put Carlisle in the most awkward position, he was trying to defend me but he still had to look after his son, he needed to put Edward first, not me.

"It's okay, we were only talking." I tried to ease the situation, knowing I had unwittingly created it. If I had stayed away from him this wouldn't have happened.

"Bella, that wasn't talking. We heard everything, he was that loud." I felt my self redden with shame and panicked about what they thought about me, about Edward.

"Bella, dear, come up stairs." My head whipped to the doorway where Esme stood wrapped in her dressing gown.

"No. We need to work through this, me and Edward need to work through this alone." I told them both with all the integrity I possessed.

I couldn't cave on this one. We both had to see it, see what it was and work with it. There wasn't anything to work through. I couldn't change his state of mind, I never had been able to do that.

We worked together, around the situation and I knew this dark patch and my fraying emotions were only a new pattern for us to work around together once more.

Yes we needed the shouting and yes we needed the tears, it was all part of it.

I could only apologise that it was happening below their roof, that this period of black had transpired onto a whole new other level with changing of emotions and a pregnancy.

"We can deal with it in the morning." Esme, silently begged.

I shook my head, sure of myself. I had taken his words. I had absorbed them and I was laying open and bleeding. We needed to patch this up, help it heal. If not I wouldn't sleep and neither would Edward.

"Please, there will be no more shouting." I promised as I looked at Carlisle as Edward scoffed.

"There won't be." I told Edward firmly with narrowed eyes and at the look his eyes dropped to the floor, a hint of remorse beginning to shadow in them.

"It will be better in the morning." Esme tried to convince me, but I knew better. We had fought through different changes before and I knew what way worked best.

Edward was in a dark place and even if he didn't truly accept what was going on, he needed to understand, in this state of mind, that it wasn't changing.

He had accepted it in his ordinary life; now the so called "Mr Hyde" had to learn too. This verbal terrain would not be accepted on this matter. I would fight like hell to protect my child from Edward's tantrums.

"Esme, Carlisle, You know I love you but we need to work this out together. I'm sorry it has happened now and here and at this time in the morning but we need to work this out alone, this is between us. I'm sorry." I silently begged for them to understand, to accept that this was something we had to move forward on on our own; perhaps we would need their words of wisdom or support later, but right now, it only concerned myself and Edward.

"Bella..."Carlisle sighed a little defeated. "We understand, but any more raised voice's, Edward and we will intervene."

Edward turned on his feet, walking over to the sink and resting the heels of his palms against the edge as Esme and Carlisle slipped out the door, closing it silently behind them.

You could feel the tension in the room, the painful connection between our two bodies. It was like someone was tearing me in half. The top half wanting to go to him, the bottom half wanting to stay rooted to the floor, the little bit of safety my feet had found.

I now understood Edward's concern about my high blood pressure. I didn't feel too great. I felt a little dizzy but I knew I would be okay, that I would begin to relax after I calmed down and talked through this a little.

I inhaled through my nose deeply, calming myself before I spoke to make sure I didn't show any hint of a waiver in my words, any hesitation or doubt.

"Don't you ever dare speak to me like that again about my baby." I told him harshly and firmly.

His head dropped a little, leaning over the sink, his shoulder too and I knew he was exhausted, he was exhausted with it all.

The arguing, the constant battle in his mind and the fact that his mind was still trying to absorb the baby; the possibilities, the difficulties that _would_ arise and the ones that _could_ arise.

He nodded slightly, never making another movement.

I walked up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and kissed his bare back.

He needed to know he was still loved because right now he was questioning everything.

"I love you, I always will, but you have to accept it, accept that you don't have control of everything, accept that this baby could be just like you and accept that they can still have a good life, like you have."

"You think it's so easy."

"No I don't, because I see you and I see your struggle and I see the hard days, like now. But I know every single one, every moment like this you learn something, you learn how to hold in a rage, control the anger. You are at a very very black point. I know, I have been at you're side through every one since we were eighteen. I'm not letting you struggle by yourself, not when it involves me and my baby."

"It's my baby too." he jumped in softly, as if it was hard for him to do.

"I know, you just need to accept it, completely."

He nodded again.

"It's fifty percent though. They will either be born like you or born like me, straight down the middle. What if they are like me?"

"Edward, we have been through this a mi-" he cut me off, no doubt knowing what I was going to say, I had said it so many times before.

"I know, alright?it doesn't make it go away though, and especially not now. My head is so confused. It's like a million different things passing through it, and there all bad. Nothing is good Bella." I could hear him break down, the situation becoming too much for him.

I was sure his temper was only ever as bad as it was to save him from tears.

"No, Edward. Everything is good. You only think it's bad, and I know that thinking it's bad feels the same, but it's not. You're depressed, you're struggling and I know that. It 's like a ton weight on you..."

He nodded knowing I was right, that he knew it would clear over, but that he still had to go through it.

He slid down the front of the unit and sat on the floor and I sat down with him, pulling him into me. He had felt rage and his testosterone level had shot up and now it was coming crashing back down, this was the fall out for that effect.

I pulled him into me,and his head rested on my chest. I clutched onto his trembling hand and looked into his dark eyes that still scared me a little.

"I need you to think what's good in your life." I told him and he sat there completely silent looking out in a daze.

"Edward, you need to try. Bring yourself back in, back to me." I begged him, my voice beginning to tremble. I had to be strong for him now like he had been so strong for me earlier.

He gave a weak shake of the head, refusing me.

"Okay, I'll tell you what I think is good in your life and you tell me if I'm right." I tried to bargain.

He pulled away from me again and palmed his forehead and closed his eyes.

"I think getting married is something good." I shrugged. "You said you wanted to get married." I reminded him.

He seemed like he was ignoring me as he pulled on his hair.

"I think your job is good, stressful but logical. It's good how you can work with that pressure in that way. You're good at it." I told him sincerely, I knew he was, he was going to be one of the best in whatever field he chose in the future."

He still looked like he was paying no attention and I worried he wasn't trying, this was part of an exercise given by his therapist when he was younger. To see what you have gained in life.

"And you're going to be a daddy." I pushed this one gently, waiting for a reaction, a blow up. I didn't care if he did, it was part of it, his reaction. If he blew up at it he had to explain why he reacted like that.

That was the theory at least, not always the practice.

His eyes screwed tight shut once again and I picked up on it.

"Okay, why did you do that? Why does me saying that make you do that?"

He sat there for a moment, his eyes still screwed closed before he slowly opened them again.

"Edward..?" I pushed so so carefully.

"Because one day you might be sitting with them on a kitchen floor asking them the same questions." he sighed so sadly.

"Why is that bad?" I pushed again.

"Because...because you shouldn't have to, you shouldn't have to put up with my crap and you, you should be able to have kids with a guy that doesn't cause this worry."

"So I should go and find someone else, and be miserable...I thought you knew you were it for me."

"No you're it for me, you can have anyone." he bit in frustration.

"But they won't be like you, and it's you who I love. It's you who I want to marry."

I told him with complete honesty that there wasn't another in the world for me.

"Edward, I have told you before and I'll tell you forever, it's who you are that I love, the good and the bad. I take the shouting and the arguing because everything else is worth it, all the hard parts are worth the good."

"You think _this_ is worth it all?" his voice was only just a whisper and it was full of pain.

"Yes. I know it's unfair of me to say that, that I'm selfish but I don't care, as long as I get you and our baby."

"You're damning them to a life of hell."

"No I'm not, because in the clear light of day you get it too, you understand. It's the darker side, the depression drowning you with doubt that is the problem. You know the baby could have a list of other things wrong with them that we would have no control over. You need to face it in this world too." there was no doubt about it, Edward's life was split between heaven and hell, and even though he could be so dark, he spent most of his time in the light, the good side.

"I don't know if I can any more."

"You don't know if you can, what?" I pressed.

"Life like this, accept it." He rubbed at his face looking painfully tired. This wasn't good for him.

"You already have. It was you who took me shopping earlier for clothes that I could fit into and it was you who did everything to make _me_ feel better earlier." I shrugged. He was deep in acceptance, he just had to remember that and that he couldn't swap sides.

I crawled forward a space, pulling myself into him and I could see the hesitation of situation cloud around him.

Standing up, he walked away from me leaving me on the floor and all alone as he mumbled away to himself.

I only hoped he was talking himself back into the world he had already accepted.

I knew I should have ignored his words and everything else, but I had to get him to at least accept it like this. I was trying for damage limitations for when the baby was born because I knew then it was either going to make or break him.

* * *

Laying in bed, I couldn't sleep. Edward was constantly on my mind and my head hurt at thinking it over so much. I was exhausted and I felt sick but I ignored my worry for Edward and planned on how to get him to accept it all over again.

It was infuriating, it was one step forward and two steps back.

I could only imagine the conflict Edward felt.

I heard my door open and my eyes darted to the door to see Edwards dark shadow come creeping in.

I didn't call his name or really acknowledge he was there, there was no need to.

He slid under the covers with me, pulling me into his chest and holding onto me tight.

"This was why I didn't want you to come with me. I knew it was going to come out." He rubbed at his face in frustration before I pulled it away and reached up to his lips, kissing him firmly.

Breaking contact I had to know if this was how he really felt, if he had been trying to lie to me all this time, that in reality, he wasn't coping at all.

"Is this how you feel for real or is it just this cloud?" His hand wrapped back around me and he pulled me up onto him a little as he lay on his back.

"I want this baby, I do." he told me but there was doubt lacing his words. "I just feel that I'm

going to make them as miserable as I felt. I didn't want to have to leave you like I did, it scares me, me leaving you alone like that, especially now. I want to be here all the time for you..." he shook his head at himself and I reached up, and stroked his face gently, trying to ease him a little. "The time you need me most is the time I feel I should stay away from you. I can't talk to you like that, I can't stress you out."

"You're not stressing me out." I promised. I was sure he wasn't – this wasn't anything out of the ordinary; it never happened every day, or every attack but it wasn't completely abnormal.

"I am. I know I am, you might not realize it just now but this isn't good for you or the baby."

Reaching up and capturing his lips again, I kissed him. "You know what? I think that's definitely good for me." I smiled a little after I pulled away.

He let out his own little laugh though it didn't carry any real humour but I could see _my_ Edward slowly return to me once again.

"I don't think any of me is good for you." his smile was tired but he was trying to make light of the situation.

"I think you're wrong. And I know once they baby is here, you will feel differently. I know life is a struggle sometimes, an unfair one for you, but you still get something out of it and so will they, even if they have your condition. You need to let go of that worry because it's something you can't change." It couldn't be changed so I didn't see the point in stressing over it just now. I loved all of Edward and if I had a baby just like them, I would feel the exact same.

"I'm worrying about everything tonight, not just that. It will pass I know...It just doesn't feel like it right now."

I nodded understanding, he often said he felt like this when he was in a wave of depression, and that knowing he was going to get back through the other side helped keep him here.

"But it will." I tried to reassure him.

This was old ground, cover a million times over but I wouldn't let my own frustration show, he was having the harder time here.

Looking into his eyes, they were teary from lack of sleep and his changing emotions and I couldn't help but break into tears myself.

"Hey, please don't cry." he pecked my lips and wiped at my cheeks.

I was exhausted and this had been too much for me, the whole day had been to much for me.

I only nodded to his words as he pulled me in closer to him.

I breathed in his scent, it relaxing me and lulling me into a sleepy haze.

"We can deal with the rest in the morning." I told him, letting him know we still had more to work out.

"Okay, though only if you get some sleep." he promised me but I couldn't answer him back.

I slowly felt myself falling asleep, the only way I knew I could; in his arms, smelling his warm smell.

* * *

_**a/n: ohh I know, a bit old ground but it is important!! **_

_**Please let me know what you think**_

_**and again – sorry for taking so long on the UD – it wont take as long next one**_

"_**Saints" should be UD in a few days.**_


	20. Chapter 19

_**WARNING!: Important a/n at end – please read!**_

* * *

**Chapter 19**

**BPOV**

Wakening up, the bed was empty.

I just let my mind focus that Edward would have woken up and decided to get some breakfast, there was nothing to worry about.

_Or so I told myself._

Walking down the stairs, Esme beamed at me with a bright smile, and greeting me a good morning. I smiled back, though mine wasn't as big as hers, and sat down on one of the breakfast stools.

"Coffee?" She offered. "It's decaf. Just for you."

I smiled at her again, taking care of me when I was actually able to do it by myself. I nodded in response before she began to pour out the black coffee.

"Have you saw Edward this morning?" I asked with a little hope that she was going to tell me he was in the best mood ever.

She jutted her head to the empty cereal bowl on the counter with dregs of milk laying in the bottom if it. "He went a run." she told me as her eyes glanced up to the trees behind the house.

He would have no doubt went running to our spot, the spot that he took me too when he decided he trusted me to tell me all about his condition.

He had told me he liked to go up out there when he needed space, but he told me that when he was lost, I was to go and find him.

I didn't know what to do.

He didn't want me here in the first place. I was pretty sure he didn't want me going after him either, not if he went to run.

I dropped in a spoonful of sugar into my coffee before string it, watching the small brown bubbles appear on the top before they disappeared, fizzling out.

"Do you have any plans today?" she asked as if nothing had happened last night. She was most likely just trying to let me deal with it alone, she knew I would go to her if I needed too.

"No, nothing. I'll try to stay out from under your feet though." I promised, I had already caused chaos in the middle of the night with Edward, she didn't need it again.

"Don't be silly. We're actually heading out, thought we would make the most of the nice day. Winter is coming in and it will be rain, rain and more rain soon enough."

I sniggered knowing how right she was. It was one of the reasons I wanted to leave Forks all those years ago. Now, I wouldn't be happy anywhere else.

Seattle and it's almost constant rain was home.

"We'll be gone all day. You know, if you and Edward need talk..." she looked at me a littler wearily.

"He knows it's coming." he knew exactly what was coming, and I'm guessing that was the part of the reason for the morning run.

She nodded as she wiped at a few crumbs on the kitchen counter.

"I know it really isn't my place, but maybe he's right..." she shrugged, struggling to meet my eyes. "I know he is worried about your stress levels. Maybe it will be too much for you to try and put up with it all, especially when he's like this."

I shook my head firmly, we were getting married, we should be leaning on one another more, now that it was going to be official, not apart. "I'm not leaving him. He can't make me." I told her firmly.

She put her hand up in the air to surrender. "It was only a suggestion." her face looked a little sad. "But Bella, try to remember, it is a serious issue, you being around him like that when you are pregnant."

Walking around the counter, she sat in the seat next to me. "You know I had a miscarriage once, right?" I nodded knowing. She had told me a few years ago, she told me it broke her heart and that she was to scared to have that pain again, and then when she did try again, nothing. That's why she decided to adopt Emmett, Alice and Edward.

"Well..." she sighed, putting her head in her hands. I reached for her shoulder, trying to comfort her a little on still a very much a difficult subject for her. "I did too much, I rushed around thinking I was super woman and it was all my own doing. I lost the baby thinking that nothing changed, but, Bella, it all changes when you're having a baby and after last night, I think Edward is right. He is concerned about you and the baby." she told me reaching for my hand that rested on her shoulder.

"Besides, do you really want to hear the things that come out from his mouth when he is like that?" she sighed a little pointedly.

"But he needs me." It was all I could respond with.

She nodded, looking a little defeated.

"But he also needs you whole, he needs the baby too." Did he really need the baby, it wasn't what it sounded like last night.

Edward walked in the back door, sweat marking his t-shirt that he wore.

Esme got up off the stool before pouring herself another coffee, giving Edward the seat next to me after he had pulled out a bottle of water from the fridge.

He never spoke. I greeted him, morning and the only response from him was a light groan as he began to knock back the water down his throat, parched form his exercise.

It was all I got, and I took it.

I reached up to his cheek, kissing him, but he never reacted.

Once again, I walked away from him, rejected, heading for the shower to try to let the steam relax me a little.

* * *

Walking out of the bathroom I felt a little more relaxed again. My gut gnawed at the thought of trying to speak to Edward when he still seemed a little cold though. I didn't know if I could face it but I knew I had too.

Reaching my room I heard drawers open and close and by the time I got in I could see Edward throwing my clothes back into my holdall.

"What are you doing?" I asked, more than a little confused at what was happening.

"Packing you're stuff back up. You are going home, you're not staying here." he told me sharply but he didn't scare me. He was trying to remain calm. I could see it in his tense bare shoulders.

I shook my head before I could get any words out. He was telling me I was leaving. Was he leaving too?

"Are you coming with me?" I asked with a little apprehension.

"No, Bella, you need to go home yourself. I'll be back in a couple of days." He told me as he rested his hands on his sides.

Rushing over to him, I crashed into his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist, his form never altering.

"You can't make me." I told him just like I had told Esme only a shot time ago. "I'm not going anywhere."

"No, I can't make you, but you either go home and I stay here or I leave and go somewhere you can't find me until this passes."

I pulled back from him, looking up at his face. His stony look told me that he wasn't backing down away from this. He didn't even meet my eyes.

"It's your call, Bella. I can stay here where you know I am or I leave for a few days."

"Why are you so determined to do this to me. I can't have you somewhere else. I need to know that you are okay." I let my nails grip into his sides, telling him just how much I hated what he was doing right now.

He didn't flinch, he only looked down at me, after my little rant.

"Bella, you have left me before, when you had to go to work." He reminded me. It was true I had left him more than half a dozen times when he had been struggling but nothing as bad as this, not when he had been struggling so much with all the changes.

"But it's different now. After last night I saw the struggle of just how much stress the baby has put on you. I'm not leaving." I told him firmly.

Esme was right, a pregnancy changes everything, it was sending Edwards world spinning.

"Well, I will." he told me a little deflated.

"No, no, no. You can't. You need someone with you." I was certain of it. Why did he come to me in the middle of the night last night if he didn't need someone. I was practically stomping on the spot.

"My mum and dad will be here." As much as I trusted them, it wasn't good enough for me. He would never go to them like he would come to me.

"I have no car." I argued the most ridiculous point this argument had.

"Take mine. I don't need it. I'll be right here."

I was shocked at that one, he almost never let me drive his car, not even with him in it. He was desperate to get me away.

"Do you not want to get married?" I asked, was something off that he wanted to get rid of me so desperately that he was letting me take his car with the intent of me driving away from him.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, with his hands in his head. "I still want too get married, I just need to know I'm not putting you in any danger, or the baby." Looking back up to me I could see the dark shadows below his eyes. The actual whites of his eyes etched with faint red lines. He looked as stressed as I felt.

_Stressed._

Okay, so stressed was a bit of an over used word. I was just having some difficulty with Edwards current state of mind, that's all.

"This has nothing to do with me falling out of love with you, Bella. If anything it's because I love you too much and I don't want to see you suffer."

I could only think of Esme's words earlier, that she thought she was super woman, and that was how she lost her baby.

I knew I wasn't invincible, but I could surly help Edward through this.

He tugged on my lip. I hadn't even realized I was chewing on it. He offered a small smile but it wasn't real, and I hated that fact.

"You're going back home – alone." he told me with out any hesitation.

I nodded. _Why was I nodding?_ I wasn't agreeing to this. I was staying with him. I wasn't leaving his side.

"Everything is packed, my keys are in my jacket pocket in my room. I'll see you in a few days." his tone was exasperated but there was a hit of victory lacing his words.

It made me mad. It made me even madder when he got up and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked out of desperation.

"For a shower. When I come out, please be gone." he didn't even have the nerve to look at me, to look at my face when he said it.

"You want me to leave now?" I practically screamed at him and I could see his shoulders tense that little bit more.

He turned around sharply. "I need you gone. I need you to go and do something that will take your mind off of everything, all the stress...Go to Alice tell her you need to be pampered or something." his tone was sharp and aggravated. He really did just want me gone.

"I hate all that shit, you know that." I let my eyes narrow at him, trying to vent my fury at him, to let him know exactly how pissed off I was, that he really thinks I could just do something like that, when the reality of the situation was that was I would be worrying about him the full time.

"Do something, concentrate on work. You can do that just now." he ordered.

"But it's the weekend, we always spend the weekend together." We always did. Not unless Edward had been called in for work. But I was always home and I never worked because I wanted to spend my time with him when we were relaxed.

"Not this weekend, Bella." he sighed as he rubbed his eyes.

"Go distract yourself. It can't be that hard. We live in the middle of Seattle."

"You think I can do that?" I asked disbelieving. "You think I can just go out of here not worrying about you."

"But you worry when you're here too anyway. Least if you're not here I can't blow up in your damn face, cos it's going to happen again. I feel it. Look." He demanded as he held up his hands to me.

They trembled in the air and I felt myself panic even more. "I have that feeling rattling through me. I have never felt like this, this...this feeling inside me before and I need you out of my way. I need to know that you are safe."

"I am safe." I screamed at him, standing up.

"No you're not." he shouted back to me just as loud.

He inhaled deeply, his lips puckering up slightly as he tried to calm himself, his forehead frowning.

"You go or I go." he told me a little more calmly.

I shook my head in disgust that he was still telling me to go. Without another word I placed my bag on my shoulder walking past him, shouldering him on the way out.

_Edward had won this time._

* * *

Pulling into the apartments parking lot I fought with the mechanics of the basics on the car. I was just so unusual for me to drive it.

I loved this car, but only because it seemed to make Edward so happy. He had only ever went from Volvo to Volvo when he changed cars and I found his little obsession quiet endearing. But with out him in it, frowning at me for "doing it all wrong" - even on his best days, it made me sad. I wanted him to be here to tell me off, to tell me to be careful with the gears.

But he wasn't, he was at his parents house where I had left him, after shouldering him.

I had berated myself constantly for acting so childish, to act like that. I should have taken my chance and gave him a kiss before I left, like how I wanted to do. To let him know I still loved him.

Looking at my phone there was nothing new, not a text not a missed call – nada.

Making my way into the apartment I dropped my bag down at my feet and I was sure that I had heard it echo through the empty apartment.

The apartment wasn't actually empty, it was full of all our belongings, but it felt just as cold and as sparse as the first day I walked into it, without Edward here with me, knowing that he would be with me.

I wandered through to the lounge, turning on the television as I fought my way out of the selves of my jacket and throwing myself back into the plush leather couch.

I flicked through every channel. Twice.

There was nothing on, nothing that interested me at least and I wondered how Edward thought I was going to keep myself distracted.

He was right, there was plenty to do in this city. I could find something to keep me entertained.

But I just couldn't be bothered.

Walking through to me and Edwards bedroom I sorted a few things that had been left scattered around after our argument yesterday.

There were still bags of clothes sitting, all the items new and pristine with there tags still on.

I looked down at myself taking in my clothes, the new ones that Edward took me out to buy only yesterday.

What a difference a day can make.

Scrub that.

What a difference a few hours can make. This time yesterday I was in this bed, making love to the man I adore.

And now...well now I was all alone, and Edward couldn't possible push me any further away.

I heard the a knock at the door and I mentally started taking bets on who was behind it.

I had Alice at three to one and Rose at five to one.

Reaching the door, I opened it up to find Jasper on the other side.

I only raised my eyebrows at him, surprised at his appearance with out Alice beside him.

"Alice spoke to you're mum, I spoke to Edward, Edward told me to speak to you." he told me the short of it, cutting out all the crap I didn't really need to know, or want to know.

I didn't speak, I only nodded for him to come in, closing the door behind him.

We made our way top the living room and I didn't know why Edward had sent him here. I got along great with Jasper, I could remember how he kept me calm the day I had found Edward just the very day before we started college. He had kept me sane every other time Edward had landed up in hospital too. He was great, kept me smiling and telling me it would all be fine.

I needed that now, and realizing that, I understood why Edward had sent him.

He sat down, pulling at his jacket and getting comfortable as I sat down on the opposite end of the couch.

"Yeh, I'll have a coffee thanks." He told me with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. "And none of you decaf shit either." he finished with.

I laughed a little, instantly feeling myself relax a little as I stood up heading for the Kitchen.

"I suppose you want a chocolate biscuit with that, too?" I joked.

"Of course." he told me, as if there had been any other option.

Walking back through, I handed him his cup of coffee before I sat down again, sipping on my own cup of decaf crap.

"So how come there is no Alice?" I asked a little confused. Jasper did occasionally come around, but that was normally to see Edward.

"I got told to let you calm down first before I inflicted Alice on you." he smiled at me knowing. "I'm just seeing you're okay."

"I'm fine." I told him.

"Fine, fine, fine. Do you know you only ever say that word when you're not fine." He pointed out.

I sighed. "Okay, so I'm not fine. Edward Just kicked me out of his parents house. How do you expect me to feel?"

"Not fine." he told me with some emphasis. "Okay, so you're not fine, Edward definitely isn't fine-"

"See, that's exactly my point, were both feeling like crap and it's all his doing." I snapped.

"Hey, ease up on the guy a little. He's only looking out for you." he snapped right back at me. Clearly he had been with Alice too long, he had toughed up. It suited him.

"And it isn't his doing. He doesn't want to be going through this and he doesn't want you to have too, either. He gave you a way out this time. I have seen him grip onto you so tight sometimes and he pulls you under with him and you can become just as a big a mess as him. He needs to know that he's not doing that to you this time, especially this time cos going with what he said, he's getting toasted alive right now with the fiery flames of hell."

I still didn't help hearing that he was as bad as he was. It only made me miss him more and worry.

I never said a word, I kept my eyes on my coffee and sipped at it, trying not to burn myself.

"Just give him a few days." he told me a little quietly.

I nodded silently, looking out the window.

* * *

Jaspers visit did help, but it was still hard. It was still hard to sit around and do nothing, but I couldn't help it. It was all I could manage to do.

Hearing another knock at the door I went to once again answer it. I knew it wasn't Alice because she had other things to do. Jasper had told me when he was round.

I tired to guess who else Edward would have chased to contact me. I couldn't think.

Opening the door I was greeted to a huge bulky frame. He shoved some hand held screen in my face telling me to sign.

What was I signing for?

Looking down at the monitor I saw the words crib in the mix.

Of course. I had totally forgot all about it. We had even been given a delivery date, but it had just completely left my mind.

Signing it, the guy slid in the heavy box through the front door before grabbing the screen out my hand and disappearing down the stairs that he must have fought with to get the crib up.

I got he door closed and began sliding the box along the corridor and into the nursery.

Well it would be, it was an empty room right now that was decorated with the paint that Alice and Jasper had picked out from the last time she decided to decorate it.

Leaving it in the room, I turned to walking out. I stopped at the door frame before turning my head, Looking at the box.

I thought...

I didn't have anything else to do. This was the perfect thing to keep my mind distracted.

Heading to the kitchen I looked out a knife to cut through the tape on the box with, then raided Edwards so called "tool box", it didn't really house much, but it did have a few screwdrivers. Lifting all of them, I headed back to the soon to be nursery.

Pretty soon I was standing deep in the most complex jigsaw I had ever done.

There were so many piece's, and of course, this being Edward and his extravagant ways, he had ordered it from Italy, meaning the instructions were in Italian too.

I knew it was stupid, I could surely work out what it meant. There were pictures.

Finding a spot on the floor I sat down and looked at the daunting task ahead of me. I could do this, besides, there wasn't any rush.

I took a deep breath and looked at the picture.

They were too simple – they showed you what it should look like, they never guided you unless you had managed to read the Italian print and do what they had told you.

Shaking my head loose of all negative thoughts I looked back down at the sheet of paper and began to put my common sense to use.

I looked around picking up pieces and trying to fit them together. I had began to get somewhere, or at least I thought I was when the unscrewed pieces just began to fall back out again, undoing all of my work.

Throwing the lone piece that still remained in my hand, I broke down. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it by myself. I needed someone, I needed Edward and he wasn't here.

I knew how unbelievably selfish it was of me to hate him for making me leave but, I did. I hated him so much for it. I didn't know how he was. I knew he was low, but without being with him, I felt like I had plunged into the darkness with him.

I let the tears fall and I even let my self scream out my frustration. I threw a few pieces of the stupid giant jigsaw around too and it helped, a little at least.

I felt so exhausted and drained by the end of it, I decided to crawl into my bed covers and have an early night.

With no Edward beside me, I kept the light on. I wasn't afraid of the dark, I usually quite liked it, but with the gentle warm glow coming from the shade, I didn't feel quite as alone as I drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Waking up the next day, I felt revived. Things seemed a little better after some sleep and I was determined to tackle the crib again.

Getting out of bed I quickly pulled my hair back and dashed into the shower for a quick wash up before making myself some breakfast and my crap decaf coffee.

I drank it down, letting it warm me up as I set about on the floor of the nursery and took hold of the few pieces of wood that I had at managed to fix together yesterday. I wasn't fast, in fact, it was painfully slow and only a few pieces in, the front door went and I welcomed the distraction.

Reaching the door, I swung it open to find Jasper once again standing on the other side.

"What, my coffee making skills that good?" I asked with a small smile.

He smiled back, "This is good, you seem...."

"Don't say happy, cos to be frank, I'm still pissed at Edward but I'm trying to build the crib so I'm keeping myself distracted and trying not to think about anything else." I told him a little sharply.

He shrugged as he walked in past me, uninvited, "Fair enough, lets get to it then." he told me as he headed up the hall, autocratically going to his old room.

I heard him shout out from the room "A coffee will be great, thanks." with the same tone he gave to me yesterday.

I rolled my eyes at him with a small smile as I closed the door and headed towards the kitchen.

__

"I think we should burn it." he told me flatly as he tried to fit a couple of pieces together. "It would make good fire wood. I have a lighter." His gaze shifted to me, hopeful, that I was up for burning it too.

I had to laugh, he was worse than me when it came to the crib and it made me feel not quite as useless, if even Jasper struggled with it.

"You burn it, you're explaining that one to Edward yourself. It was him that ordered the damn thing." I gentle teased.

"Of course it was Edward, only a Cullen would order something like this. Target isn't good enough for them." he jokingly sighed and it only made me laugh harder.

As much as I missed Edward, he was slipping to the back of my mind a little with Jaspers shenanigans.

Edward knew exactly what I needed. He had sent him around today once again.

I felt a little sorry for Jasper having to babysit me like he was, he had work, but he assured me that he had the day off. Some how I struggled to believe him though.

"Seriously, what was the dude thinking...did he think he could build this?" He asked as he tried to screw together more of the crib.

"You know Edward, he would have called out someone to build it for him then take all the credit." I joked.

"Yeh, probably, he would probably have them shipped in from Italy too, with something like five generations of craftsmanship to there name." I had to laugh again, it was so true, it was so Edward.

The two of us just sat there all morning, laughing and joking and it was such a great distraction, a great feeling to be pulled away from reality, if only just for a little while.

"I don't know about you, but I'm starving. Lets go out for lunch." Jasper said as we finally began to piece the last few parts of the crib together.

We had been at it a good two hours but we finally managed it. It was built and looking great.

"I could make something..?" I offered him.

"Na, we earned a good feed, lets go out and get something bad for us. What do you fancy?" he asked.

I thought about it for a moment. Despite my initial hatred of all things meat at the beginning of my pregnancy, I couldn't help the cravings I had at the thought of a corn dog. It was strange but I found myself sneaking out during the day to go get one, knowing Edward would be a little pissed at the actual quantity of them I ate.

"Corn Dog?" I asked a little sheepishly. Everyone was well aware of my little addiction that was running at the moment.

"Again? Christ, how can you eat so many of those damn things?" he shook his head but I didn't need to answer him. "Okay, get ready and lets go."

With that I jumped to my feet with a little bubble of excitement in my gut at the thought of my lunch.

We walked down a few blocks before coming to the closest place that sold them. Jasper ordered one with some fries and I ordered two...with some fries.

"I can't believe you actually ate all of that." he looked more than a little repulsed at me but I just shrugged it off feeling slightly proud at my feat. It was exactly what I needed.

"We'll I just had the same as you, the baby had the other one." I joked

"I don't think your right in the head." he teased.

"It's years with living with Edward, makes you crazy." I laughed as I gulped down a mouthful of cherry coke.

"Na, you have never been right in the head. It's the reason you're with Edward in the first place." he shrugged. "You have that oh so special connection." he teased some more and I laughed again.

I felt brand new and it was all Jaspers doing. Edward was right to send him.

* * *

I rolled around in bed, still missing, Edward. I had turned the light off though knowing I would see him soon. He said a few days.

I had given him two so far, I was going to call him tomorrow, chase him if need be, but I knew I would see him soon.

Esme had called later in the afternoon and she said it would be best that I didn't try to contact Edward until he got in touch with me. She said that he seemed like he was still struggling.

She had made him sit down and eat something so I felt myself relax a little knowing he was at least being looked after, though I shouldn't have been surprised, this was Esme.

I didn't know what reception I would get from him when I tried to reach him if he was still as bad, but I knew I would survive if I only heard his voice for a few moments.

Being alone in this place wasn't so bad tonight but I still didn't like it. I wanted to feel Edwards arms around me as I drifted off to sleep.

I tossed about in bed some more. I was still a little giddy from me and Jaspers little accomplishment and the fact that I could show Edward that I kept myself busy like he had told me to do, made it all the more, that little sweeter.

I threw myself back onto my back, against the mattress when I felt it.

It was strange.

_It scared me._

I felt it again, a strange little feeling coming from my stomach. My hand rushed to the spot and instantly it clicked what it was. It was the baby, they were beginning to move around.

That was it, it was all I felt, a small gentle roll against my stomach but I knew it was them, and I knew it was a good sign.

I had to tell Edward, even if he was sleeping, he would want to know. I hoped that I wouldn't get any abuse in the process though.

Sitting up, I flicked on the light realizing it was eleven thirty and that there was a possibility Edward might actually still be awake.

Reaching for my phone I opened it up, and the screen instantly began flashing at me.

It was an incoming call from Esme.

What was she doing calling me at this time?

Answering it, her breath was erratic "Esme, what's wrong?" I asked rushed, knowing instantly something had happened to Edward.

She rushed out her words immediately "It's Edward, he's in hospital."

* * *

_**a/n: firstly I just want to bring your attention to the stories that are currently being deleted off of FF – I have set up my own site – link on my page – in case any of mine are pulled. Please go to it and become a member – It's easy and it's free – and I will be able to mail you to let you know if it ever happens to any of my stories. Please go do it – I don't want you to lose the endings of my stories – Don't let FF win!! I will be posting them on a safe location. **_

_**Also – apologies for taking so long with this chapter – I had some major writers block with this chapter and I hope it was good enough for you. **_

_**I was tagged on YT so there is a little vid made up with 10 facts about me if your interested – it was fun to make. Also I know I had asked if you had anything you wanted answered, that I would make a little vid – I never took note of the questions and can't seem to find them mixed up with all the reviews. Please if you have anything you want to ask – review or mail me!! I will make a vid soon!**_

_**xx**_


	21. Chapter 20

_**a/n: Back already – get me!! I just want to give RCD Alice a little shout out – She is one crazy little reviewer – luv ya chick!!**_

* * *

**Chapter 20**

**EPOV**

I could hear faint hushed mumbles surround me along with that ever haunting _beep beep beep_ of the heat monitor, once again.

What had happened?

_What had happened to me?_

I struggled to remember, my mind still a murky fog. I couldn't think of anything, not right now. I knew I had been at my parents, but why had I ended up here?

Hearing Bella's frustrated voice argue with someone, I tried so desperately to open my eyes to her, just to be able to see her.

The weight that pulled down on them felt like a ton on each eye. I battled with the muscles to open them up, to let me see her.

I tried calling out to her but for some reason I couldn't, quickly realizing I had been intubated. I had a tube forced down into my lungs to help me breath.

Had I been that bad.

What had happened to me? I still couldn't understand it.

Quickly, I gave up trying to call on her. It was useless, so I fought to open my eyes again.

The sound of her sob, the pain she was in was enough to finally let me fight off the tiredness my body had felt and I opened my eyes, seeing Bella sit on the chair looking up to my father.

I still couldn't talk and she hadn't noticed I had woken up. With all the strength I had in me I slid my hand across the harsh crisp hospital linen, reaching for her.

My dad registered the moment and he quickly turned to me, rushing over to me, but I didn't need him, I needed Bella.

"Edward..?" She breathed as she jumped to her feet, instantly taking my hand and brushing past my father to look at me.

Her eyes sparkled in the light, the moisture reflecting the light beams off of her eyes. The outsides of her eyes were all red and puffy. She had been crying hard and I didn't know why or how, or why or how that I was even here in the first place.

She kissed me firmly on the forehead and the warm, plump cushion of her lips felt like home.

I had been away from her for so long that the need I felt for her to be in my arms, pierce my heart like a dagger.

Quickly, she looked back down at me, her eyes meeting mine all over again. "Are you okay?" she asked me in a rush.

I couldn't talk with this tube down my throat and all I could give was the smallest moment from my head. I didn't know if I was answering her a yes or a no.

"Bella, why don't you go outside and wait, I'll get him all fixed up for you and you can see him in a few minutes.

"No." she practically growled at my dad. I was taken aback at her tone, but I could understand it. If her body missed mine like I had missed her, she wouldn't want to leave. _I didn't want her to leave._

"I'm staying." she told him a little calmer, her tone slightly apologetic. But only just.

"I need you to go. I need to check over him." her told her a bit firmer.

She let out a small sob "Do I have too? I don't want to leave him." she told him before she turned to me. "I don't want to leave you, not ever, not ever again."

I had sent her away and this was what happened to me. She had been petrified to leave me, telling me I needed someone there.

It was that thought that gave me a flash back to what had happened. I felt myself falling, landing over something.

"The sooner you go, the sooner you get back." he told her a little more gently and she nodded at his words.

Reaching down to me, she kissed me once again on the forehead and whispered that she loved me into my ear before kissing my cheek.

With a few hesitant backward glances, she headed out the door.

Looking up to my dad, he was caught up in a moment of thought as he watched her leave and continued to stare at the closed door.

Looking down at me, I noticed, his eyes too were glazed over.

Snapping back into the doctor once again, he told me that he was going to pull out the tube. He spoke slow and deliberate so that I would understand him, but of course I understood him. I knew exactly how to put in and one of these tubes, hell, I could most likely do it in my sleep.

He pulled the surgical tape that secured it, off of my face ever so gently before trying to help me sit up a little.

At his order, I coughed, I kept coughing, all the time I could feel the tube sit across my windpipe, being dragged up. It didn't hurt exactly, just really uncomfortable.

With that, it was out and I collapsed back into the hospital bed completely exhausted.

"What happened?" I could barely speak but I was desperate to know just exactly how I had ended up in here. It was still a complete blind spot.

"You had an attack. A pretty bad one." his face was etched in the soft lines of his age, he looked old and he looked tired. He didn't look his usual self at all and I worried that I had made him look like that, that worry for me had taken his toll on him.

He didn't make much eye contact as he played about with the heart monitor, leaving it on.

Usually it would be turned off once I was awake.

My throat was in flames but I pushed through it to speak "How bad?"

"We really didn't know what the outcome was going to be until you woke up, but you seem fine." he told me with that glint still resting in his eye. "We'll check everything though now you're awake." It was as if he was speaking to himself with that one.

"How long was I out for?" never had I been out more than a day, never.

"Two and a half days." he told me rather mournfully.

I was shocked with that one. What had happened. I could almost remember now though. It was beginning to come back to me but I pushed it aside needing to know the most important thing.

"How is Bella?" It hurt to speak the words and it hurt to think them.

"She...she's good. Stubborn as ever, wouldn't leave you. I tried to give her something, to keep her calm but she wouldn't take it. Stubborn like you in that way too, I suppose." He smiled slight, seeming amused. "You two are so alike but are completely different at the same time."

I wanted to say something to him, but it would be too sore to get all my words out so I stayed silent.

We were silent for a moment, my father stood stature still, deep in thought before he spoke. "You know, I have things we need to talk about. Will I get Bella, first?" He sounded like the doctor again and it worried me.

I tried to sit up a little, question him on his tone. "What's happening?" the words, still painful to come out.

"I think it would be best if I got Bella." He gave a small nod before walking to the door to go and get her.

My stomach knotted, was he really concerned about me, that I needed Bella, I would always need Bella, but for him to go and get her, his tone he gave...I felt sick with worry.

Bella walked into the room straight away, rushing up to my side and peppering my face with small gentle kisses.

She told me countless times that she loved me, but I couldn't tell her back, I loved her, it was just such a job to speak.

I saw some water by my bed and pointed to it, Bella, reaching for it along with a straw sitting beside it, waiting for me.

Taking a few small sips I felt it slide down my throat a little uncomfortably but I felt like I could attempt to speak again.

Pulling away from the water, Bella placed it back up at the side as I waved her in to me.

Naturally, she pulled down to me and I could smell her smell as her hair waived between us a little.

I didn't care if my father was in the room. Bella was here and that's all that mattered to me. "I love you, too." I finally managed to croak out as Bella's watery eyes turned back to me.

My dad broke the moment with a small cough. He wanted to get this over with. That worried me more.

We both turned to look at him, Bella grasping on to my hand.

"When we found you, Edward, you were slumped on the floor, over your holdall, I assume you were trying to get to your medication. You had ate a couple of hours before, you had been eating pretty regularly actually. You were trying hard to look after yourself so this wouldn't happen. But it did." He gave a small sigh and Bella and myself remained quiet. "From what I can tell, you're officially growing out of the AIP..." I smiled at that one, finally it would all be over soon.

"Please, don't get too ahead of yourself. It can take a couple of years before it stops. The attacks, the physical and emotional ones become less and less often but can get worse when they do happen. As I'm sure you can see. To help stop it I want to prescribe you Diazipam-"

"What?" I tried to shout, instantly feeling the pain of my words.

"Edward, give me a minute to explain." He tried.

I fought with my voice. "No, I don't want any of that..." I tried to finish but I couldn't.

He looked down at me, knowing I wasn't able to argue back this time, so he took it, he took advantage of the situation and spoke over me.

"It will be the lowest dose you can take, any problems and we will stop with it straight away but you need to try something. This could have killed you."

I felt Bella wipe at my face and I realized that I had shed a few tears. This was my idea of hell and they all knew it. They knew I never wanted to be put on medication for it. I controlled it through my diet as best as I could. But that didn't seem to be working any more.

I shook my head, telling him no as he continued to look down at me.

"I know what your thoughts on this are, Edward, I do. But you need to try something. There will be another attack and it could be worse next time."

I heard Bella take a sharp intake of breath as she gripped tighter on my hand.

"A couple of years, the lowest dose and then it will be over." He promised. "If it has any side effects, we think of something else." he shrugged.

"I'm a doctor, I don't take medication." I croaked out defiantly.

"God, that is your problem. You think because you have to take medication, an anti depressant that you are slapped with a label, that your stupid, incompetent, crazy. It's not true. You know that. Why do you see it as something it's not. It will help you, it could possibly just save your life." He ranted. He was mad.

I had prescribed anti depressants before but I saw them as something else when it came to me. That I would become someone else, something else. I knew it wasn't the case, that with trial and error, they would find the best solution for the people who needed them.

Often the people that needed them were even more successful in there life than what I was.

It was just seen as such a black spot to the outside world and the people who didn't want to understand what I meant.

But I still hated the idea of ever taking them, as shallow and as wrong of me, I felt that I was somehow different to them, that my position would be compromised. Legally, I knew it never would be.

I closed my eyes trying to block it all out – I wanted to be unconscious again.

"We'll think about it. We'll talk about it." I heard Bella tell my father.

Quickly opening my eyes "No." I whispered out.

"Yes." she told me just as firmly telling me the conversation was over for the time being.

My father stood, watching over us for a moment. "Everyone wants to see you, Edward."

I nodded telling him to let them in. Bella and I could talk about this soon enough. Right now, all I wanted to do was forget about it.

* * *

All my family had been in, crowding up my room but I actually enjoyed having them there. I wanted time alone with Bella, but for once I wasn't demanding them out of my room. It was good to see that even if I hadn't been here, she had all of them around her.

They had all eventually began to fade out until it was only Bella and myself once again. My father insisted on waiting around the ward to drive her back home to my parents for the evening. At least I knew she would be well looked after there.

My throat was still a little sore, but with practice, I was now able to speak, still pretty quiet, but it wasn't as much of a task now.

I slid across the bed, letting Bella lay next to me, chest to chest.

I kissed her like the horny teenager I used to be, my body fully aware of just the lack of contact we had over the past few days.

She giggled like a school girl when I palmed her backside, pulling her further into me.

I had no energy, but somehow I was able to manage this.

There was a strange feeling that passed across the bottom of my rib cage. It was unusual enough for me to break away and look down between us.

"Did you feel that?" I asked a little curious. I didn't know if it was my own stomach muscles acting out on there own after my attack.

Looking back up, she had a sheepish smile on her face. "It's the baby." she instantly bit down on her lip after the bit of news.

I could feel my eyes open wide at her words. _The baby was moving?_

"When?" I asked, needing to know everything.

Her face faltered a little and the grip on her lip tightened.

Pulling it out with my finger I asked again, "When?"

"The other night. I went to call you but your mum was calling me at the same time to tell me you were in hospital." I felt like shit, I had once again managed to take something and spoil it for her.

"I...I haven't told anyone. I wanted you to be the first to know. That was the fourth time I have felt them, just small little rolls." she shrugged.

The smile on my face got bigger and I kissed her again. "Thank you." I didn't know what I was thinking her for...everything perhaps.

"So..."She began. "about the diazepam... I think we should try it." she let out low, knowing I was against it. Her eyes dropped as she spoke, knowing too well I would argue her on it.

"It's Valium, Bella, that's all it is, it isn't something that's going to cure me and it's got side effects."

"I know what it is, okay. And I know that there can sometimes be side effects but you don't know until you try it. It will be a low dosage if you do take it."

I sighed because I knew she would go on about it until I did try it.

"Were going to have a baby and I need to be able to help you with them. That stuff, it helps you sleep-"

"I can manage nights on my own." she jumped in.

"I would still be able to get up and help, but it will be harder for me to get up."

"Doesn't it began to wear away a little, that's why they increase the dose if you have been taking it a while. You're not taking it to fall asleep with, its to help the seizures-"

She cut her self off as my eyes narrowed at her. How did she know so much about it?

"Come on, you didn't think after all these years together I didn't research the hell out of it?" She told me as if I was daft, and apparently I was. I had underestimated just exactly her knowledge on my condition. The anti depressants were a normal procedure when it came to seizures – the small dose, it was all that was needed to keep the edge over it and control them. Only a higher dose would be able to control the emotional black spots.

"Don't try to tell me any lies, and don't try to sugar coat it either. I need the truth."

I laughed a little at how stubborn she was, god, she was unbelievable. My dad was right, we were so alike but completely different at the same time.

"I'm not lying and I'm not sugar coating it. I just don't want to take them in case they interfere with my life.

"You need to try it and see before you know that though. Just try it, for a little while. I can't have you dead. I couldn't live without you, I can't have a baby on my own. I won't cope. It's suicide Edward if you don't."

She was right. I wasn't jumping of a pier but it was all the same. And I would be leaving her behind with my baby if I didn't try. I couldn't do that to her or them. I needed to be here to support them both, especially if the baby had my condition.

I scrunched my eyes up in defeat. "Fine, I'll try it. Any bad effects though Bella and I'm coming off if."

She nodded understanding as she wrapped her arms around my neck. "Thank you. I promise, anything bad and you can stop them. But thank you for trying."

She kissed my ear and in inhaled her scent, happy to stay like this all night if I could.

* * *

I wanted so badly to punch my fathers smug face as he handed me the little plastic cup with half of the valium in it.

To say that he was happy that Bella had talked me into taking it would be an understatement.

"Anything bad and I swear, I'm off it." I growled to him.

"Yes, but do remember you need to let your body adjust to the medication, there could be side effects, but they could fade after a little time. Give it six months." he ordered.

"I know fine how this works, I'll give it four. If things aren't normal, or too much for me to handle. I'm off it."

He sighed deeply, fed up. "Fine, four months."

I smiled at my own little victory. "Bottoms up." and knocked back the little half pill back my throat.

I felt some sense of shame in myself. I had always believed I was too strong to need medication like this, but here I was, for Bella and my baby's sake, taking it.

"I'll get the prescription written up for you. You take the one milligram twice a day and it will keep a hold over the seizures. Its a small price to pay for your life, Edward. Make sure you take them, for all our sakes. If Bella had to guilt trip you into taking it, I take my hat off to her for having the effect on you, that she was able do that. No one else has managed it."

"Morning Doctor Jekyll, I heard you're on the medication for the crazy." Rose quipped as she came with a large smile on her face.

Only her could get away with this, she herself had been given Valium to help her cope after her news of not being able to have children. She had been a wreck, jumpy, not sleeping and very low. They had gave it to her for only a couple of weeks to make sure she managed to get back on her feet okay. And she had, she struggled, it wasn't a wonder drug, but it had gave her mind a little rest when she needed it and she managed to slowly file her life back into order.

I never questioned her taking it, so I didn't understand why I was still questioning myself for taking it.

"You know, when the men in white coats come looking for us, we can be rommies." she teased.

"Like I would share a room with you." I quipped back and all she did was give a comic pout and a little shrug.

Bella came up by my side, kissing me quickly on the lips as she pulled herself up on the bed with a little struggle. Getting on to her spot, she pulled herself into me, letting me wrap my arm around her. It was all I could manage but it was all we both needed.

She didn't say hi, she didn't speak at all, and I never spoke to her either. We didn't need to.

I spoke with the rest of my family all day with Bella clinging onto my side the entire time. She did give the odd nod and occasional grunt but she seemed tired so I didn't push for anything.

Eventually she had nodded off while everyone was still in. They left, giving Bella and myself some privacy.

I was exhausted myself. My attack had been severe and all I wanted to to was to seep, despite being passed out for the past two and a half days.

My father silently came back into my room, giving me my half a pill of Valium before silently leaving us once again.

Shifting in my bed, I got comfortable without disturbing her. Pulling her into me I let her scent envelope me as I fell asleep with her still in my arms.

I woke up a while later to her gone. It was late and she had left for the night. I laughed at the fact not a word had been spoken to each other but that we still had managed to give each other exactly what we needed.

* * *

Two days later and I finally got home.

I was put under strict orders to lay low and that my dad would give me a proper check over before he declared me fit for work.

The fact that I had to take the valium only seemed to add insult to injury. I felt like I was being monitored before I was set back out into the public domain.

The night of the attack had came flooding back to me eventually. I had went to bed not long after diner and fell asleep. I had been trembling almost uncontrollably all day and it had take it out of me and wakening up I knew I was on the brink of a fit and got up to look out my medication but I was too late.

I had been found a almost an hour later by my mother, slumped over my hold all, my medication still inside the bag.

After taking what felt like days to climb the stairs to our apartment, I finally got back in to my home, the place where I hadn't been for a week.

Bella closed the door behind me as I walked through to the lounge, needing the seat badly after climbing the stairs.

Sitting back on the cold leather, I relished the fact I was home and there was no one else around except Bella. I had been fussed over in the hospital and the days before my attack I had been so dark, I was scared of the way my head had felt.

Now I felt normal, as if someone had flicked a switch. I knew that the anti depressants for my seizures had a little to do with it too. So far the only side effect was when I went to sleep, it felt like I had been knocked out. It was a little harder to wake up too but I knew it would lessen in time. The dose was too low to have any long term effect on my sleep. I would sleep well with them, but in time I wouldn't struggle as much to wake up. I only hoped that happened before the baby got here. It wasn't fair on Bella if that was the case and also, the sleep deprivation and bonding in the middle of the night was all part of being a parent. I didn't want to miss any of it if I didn't have too.

Besides, I was growing out of my condition. I may have out grown it by the time the baby got here.

I could at least hope.

Bella had followed me through and sat down beside me before stretching out on the couch and resting her head on my lap. I loved it. I always forgot how great the small things actually were until any time I got home from hospital. It was like seeing for the first time.

"I was thinking, since you have been eating nothing but rabbit food in hospital, we should have something bad..." She smiled up at me.

I knew exactly what she wanted. More of those damn corndogs.

"This isn't you pushing for another corndog is it?" I teased as I let my fingers run through her hair.

She laughed and rolled her eyes at me. "Okay, fine, I want a corndog. I think it's the least I deserve."

"Just exactly how many have you had of them this week?" I asked carefully. I wasn't picking at her, I was jut worried about the amount of crap she wanted to consume. Bella could be any size or shape and she would still be beautiful. I was worried about her well-being.

"I only had one with Jasper after we built the crib." she told me in a rush trying to defend herself.

"Crib?" I asked more than a little surprised. Then I remembered that it was meant to be delivered this week.

"Yeh, I forgot all about it until the guy knocked on the door. You told me to go and do something..." she shrugged.

"So you built a crib?" I asked still in total shock that she had built it.

"Well I tried and I couldn't, so I cried." she laughed. "The next day I gave it a go and Jasper arrived and he helped me." She smiled as if she was proud of herself. So she should be. I was proud of her...and Jasper.

"I was going to call someone to to that." I sighed and she burst into a fit of laughter.

"I said that that Jasper."

I jokingly narrowed my eyes at her. I was no good with a bloody screwdriver. I bought some shit toolbox in an attempt to be more practical but if it didn't involve some kind of bodily fluid, I was lost. It just wasn't something I could do.

"Can I see it?" I asked more than a little excited. After everything we had been through, the tiny little Bella shoes was all that we had bought for the baby.

Bella bounced up on to her feet before tugging at my hand trying to help me up. I let her think she helped me a little, thought there was no way I was letting her lift even a pound of my body weight. I would wrap her up in cotton wool if I had too. Bella and the baby's health was the main priority in my life.

I followed her through to the nursery, which had nothing in it except the crib that sat in the middle of the room.

It was perfect and Bella and Jasper had made a good team at building it up. I was impressed, and also a little jealous.

I put it to the side though because Bella had done what I had asked of her, she had kept her self busy when I had sent her away. And it was me who had sent Jasper around to check that she was okay.

I had never wanted her to leave, but she needed too. I knew the stress that I could cause on her and I knew the stress that could cause complications in pregnancy, or for her to lose the baby. I would never allow an attack to cause that. Ever. If I had to send her away, even when all I wanted was to keep her with me, I would do it. I would always have someone that would be able to check on her.

"Okay, smart ass, you get a corndog." she laughed a little while bouncing on the pads of her feet, and I reached out, pulling her into me tight. "I'm impressed, love." I kissed her temple and felt that the whole situation just got a lot more real. And I couldn't have been happier.

* * *

_**a/n: Please review!! if you do – you get a little hint about the next chappy ;) ok I don't normally do that but you will be given a little bit of info on it – just this once!! **_

_**Also I have a vid that will be uploaded onto YT some point tomorrow so check out my page YT page later. Its a vid for my other newer fic – The Stains Are Coming**_


	22. Chapter 21

_**a/n: Just a huge thanks to all my reviewers, some of your comments just blow me away**_

_**Also: links to the wedding dress, Bella's Birthday dress and the "little baby Bella shoes" are on my page.**_

* * *

**Chapter 21**

**EPOV**

**five weeks later**

I was sick with nerves. I was close to throwing up, but some how I had a handle on it. It wasn't that I was dreading it; more the fact that it felt like I had waited my entire life for this moment.

_Eighteen_

That's how old I was when I knew that a world without Bella, would be second rate. Hell, I wouldn't even rate it. My life would not be worth living if she wasn't in my life.

And now I was about to marry her.

_Fucking, finally_

Life hadn't exactly been smooth sailing since I had got back home from hospital. It was good, it just wasn't always easy. Preparing for a baby, a wedding and me spending three weeks off sick wasn't easy on any of us. Especially, Bella.

And my constant moaning at her didn't really help either, but she was stressing herself out way to damn much and it pissed me off.

It had taken me two weeks before I could actually return to normal. Being able to carry bags and stupid things like that. And that pissed me off more. That Bella was once again left to pick up the slack I had created.

She was driven mad by Alice and her wedding arranging. Alice had backed down somewhat but she was still persistent, and I suppose the fact we had asked her to help and the fact she only had a couple of months to put a wedding together, we really couldn't blame her. We knew she was a perfectionist.

Rose had to almost pull the two of them apart at times. Words were said, feelings were hurt, but in a matter of moments, they kissed and made up. They just worked like that. Bella and her hormones didn't seem to take anybody's crap. Especially mine.

So I learned to let go a little. I don't know if it was the medication that done it or if something in me just clicked. But I realized I had been causing her more stress by actually going on about it.

At her check up's at the hospital her blood pressure was always high though, and I was a little happy at the evidence. It wasn't just me who was telling her she needed to take it easy, her obstetrician was telling her too.

I have to admit, I was a little smug at that one. Not that she had high blood pressure; that was a worry, but the fact she had another doctor telling her she needed to try and relax a bit more. I had felt like she believed I was only just saying that to her. I wasn't, she really did actually need to slow the hell down and accept peoples help.

So I eased of, and she slowed down.

She still worked just as hard as ever, but she loved that. I really didn't think that her reading chapters was going to do too much to her stress levels.

As for myself, there was side effects to the valium. And a big one. For me at least.

Two weeks ago I had pulled Bella into me, needing her. She stood there, fresh out the shower and all her curves glowing with dampness.

I tugged on her wrist as she fought to get on her bra and let her fall on top of me on the bed. I had rolled her around, caressing her and...nothing... Absolutely fucking nothing.

I was mortified.

I couldn't get a hard on. At all.

Bella only tried to calm me. I was mortified and I was angry. In an angry fit I rushed through to the bathroom, flushing all of the valium pills I had been prescribed. I wasn't taking them. Not any more.

Of course, this being Bella, she wasn't letting me give up on the medication.

I had said I would try them four months and she was determined that I took them for the four months.

She sneaked into the hospital, meeting with my father, and god love her, she blushed furiously when she told me, so god know what shade of pink she was when she told him. Yes. She went and told him everything.

I was pulled aside, practically force fed the medication, and another prescriptions worth in my hand and every other necessary means to help gain an erection – e.g. lots of Viagra.

Getting home that night, I ranted at Bella. Me, not Mr Hyde . I couldn't believe she had went behind my back about something so personal.

But as she explained it, she was right. It was a small price to pay if it was going to save me from any more seizures. It could all be over in less than two years. So I shut up and got on with it, because even though I _was_ embarrassed. I shouldn't have felt any shame.

Emmett and Jasper had a good laugh at it but I shrugged it off knowing it was needed. I felt had to start to grow up, I had a new family to think about and I couldn't be so selfish and only think about myself. I was doing it for Bella and our baby. Though curiosity did dig deep with Emmett and Jasper, both were curious about the difference. There wasn't much really, except when I finally found the balls to make love to Bella a week later I found I was ready to go at again almost instantly.

Apart from that problem, the valium had been fine.

I was wrong and all my thoughts about it in the past had began to dissipate somewhat.

Preparing for the baby was a whole other thing.

We were agreeing on it for the most part. Neither of us wanted to know the sex. We wanted a surprise. But when it came to picking out things for them, the ever practical Bella had a list and she was determined to stick with it until the baby was born and until we would know what to buy. I, on the other hand, went a little over the top.

I bought anything and everything. I had got so bad I had to actually hide some at my parents to avoid another berating from Bella.

I couldn't help it. Ever since I had saw the perfectly built crib standing so bare, I had worried that we weren't prepared enough. So I slipped into over kill, I was well aware of it, but it didn't stop me.

Bella had encouraged it at first, happy for me to be so accepting of everything, but I had taken it too far. I knew I had. It had now been a running joke. And luckily now, I had managed to curtail it a little.

Bella still had her list of things – a shit load of things I hadn't even thought about, so after the wedding we were going to get back to that.

But right now, I was going to get married.

And I still felt sick.

But I knew I would keep my composure – due to the fact that I had taken an extra milligram of my valium for today.

I knew I wasn't going to blow up. I was afraid of falling apart.

Everything had came together and we had worked so hard to get to this point.

"Dude, will you just sit down." Jasper told me off as he fought with his cuff links. "You're making me nauseous, just watching you."

I looked across at him and glared him down. When it had been his wedding he was just as bad, so he should have been a little more understanding. Though I suppose promising a lifetime to Alice would do that to you.

"Okay, I'm keeping quiet." his eyes darted back to his cuff links as I began to pace again.

"Oh, man..." Emmett shouted as he walked back into his old bedroom. "Bella is beautiful. You are going to have a heart attack when you see her." He patted me on the shoulder, unable to contain his own excitement.

"Is she okay?" I asked, more worried about how she was rather than how she looked. Bella was always beautiful.

"She's fine. Don't worry. You get to have this, bro, you get to have a good day. Forget everything else and just think about your new little family and the fact you are getting married." He smiled sincerely but I could still see the small pang of pain that haunted him every time he spoke about the baby.

I smiled back at him because I couldn't help it "I'm getting married." I told him so disbelievingly.

"You are. She must be mad, but she loves you." He shrugged so nonchalantly.

At that moment my father rushed in, slamming the door closed behind him before he pressed his back up against it catching his breath. "Is it too late to send her back to the foster home?" he asked dead pan as he gasped at the air.

We all burst into laughter, knowing full well he was talking about Alice and the fact that she had been running around like the tyrant we all know and love.

"Bella's fine, she's beautiful." he told me in a quick gasp, no doubt knowing it would be what I would be asking.

Emmett had already told me but it was good to know he was already a step a head of my mind today.

The wedding was relatively small. I wanted only the people who we were actually close with. I was a nervous wreck at the thought of getting married, I didn't want to do it in front of a bunch of people I didn't really know, and Bella agreed.

So we decided on my parents house, and the fact that we had decided to get married on New Years eve, we couldn't find anywhere else for love nor money.

There was enough space for everyone and Alice and my mother had planned the billiard room for the reception, empting the large dining room, placing a few rows of seats for the limited number of guests who had been invited to the actual ceremony.

It was the middle of winter, and no matter how many times Alice assured me that with the right heating, a marquee in the garden could be warm, it wasn't happening.

We just wanted something simple and practical.

And we had managed it.

There was a bang at the door and who ever it was tried to open it, hitting it off of my dads back.

"Let me in. You need your button holes." Alice moaned from the other side.

He quickly stepped away, letting her in.

Quickly coming through the door with a box full of single flowers prepared for our button holes she moaned. "You know you could have helped me out a little ya know." she let out a puff and a roll of the eyes to my father before turning to me with a big bright smile on her face.

"So, ready to make an honest woman out of her?" She asked teasing me, as she pulled one of the flower's from the box, handing the container to Jasper and beginning to fix it to the lapel of my jacket.

"I think she will be making an honest man out of me." I told her back with a little smile.

She fidgeted with the catch on the safety pin before looking up at me. "Na, I think she already did that." the look on her face showed that she was proud of me, that she was proud I had got this far.

"I don't know where I would be without her." I told her honestly.

She gave a small nod. "Well, you know what they say, for everything a reason."

"You think that?" I asked at her word choice.

"Yes." She fixed at my jacket again. "All those years ago, I thought I was losing you to her, I was jealous. I was wrong, she only gave me more of you." she looked a little teary eyed so I pulled her into me.

It was always me and Alice before Bella, I could understand her words. "I love you, you know that. You are my best friend."

I heard her sniffle so I looked down to find a glassy eyed Alice, trying not to cry.

"Ahh, fucking hell. I think Bella's hormones are wearing off on me." she let out flippantly as she made sure she kept her make up in check.

Everyone in the room had stilled and had been listening to the conversation and were all looking a little thoughtful.

Alice, snapping around to the rest of them, "What is this, a wedding or a wake. Move, move, move. We need you down and in place within the next five minutes. The minister is ready and waiting along with the guests and Bella is trying like blazes not to get a mark on her not-quite-so-virginal white wedding dress."

We looked at her a little in shock before she clapped her hands and ordered us once again. "Places, people, places!"

With that I was on my way.

_I was getting married._

* * *

Fisting my hands, I did everything to keep my composure. Standing up in in front of even only a small crowd I felt anxious as hell and I was suddenly wishing I took more of the damn pills. But I knew this was part of the norm.

I was worried that she wouldn't show or something would go wrong at the last minute. I knew it was crazy, Bella would never leave me. She had barely let me out myself with out her or a chaperone ever since I had got back out of hospital.

Finally the music started and my father gripped at my shoulders, easing me some what.

I saw Alice walk down the isle with her arm looped through Jaspers then Rose with Emmett in the same pose.

Once they had cleared down, the girls taking the potions at the alter and the guys taking there seats, Bella began her decent towards me on the arm of her father.

Meeting my gaze, she beamed with happiness and she literally did glow. She walked down the isle to me, me having to stop myself from going to her and to stay in my spot like Alice had warned.

Her dress cut across, above her chest with it flaring out and skimming over her little belly beautifully, finishing just past her knees. She wore a little short white jacket thing that covered her arms too, covering herself up modestly as usual.

She wore little heeled strappy shoes that sparkled slightly.

She was stunning with her hair in curls and one side swept up just a little, showing off her perfect flawless face.

Reaching up to me, she leaned forward from her fathers hold and reached forward and kissed me chastely on the lips.

She pulled back in shock a little, her hand covering her mouth as she blushed "We're not meant to do that bit yet, are we?" she asked as she looked up to the minister.

I laughed a little an mumbled lowly to her "I think were a bit past that." I winked as I looked down at her bump.

She only grew redder as she tried to hide her eyes behind her hand.

I laughed at her attempt, she was embarrassed but she was still happy, the full time she couldn't take the smile of her face, and it was huge and genuine.

I reached for her hand from her face and held it in mine as Charlie kissed her on the cheek, giving her to me with a nod, a smile and a pat on the shoulder.

She passed her flowers to Rose before she reached for my other hand.

This was it, and with Bella by my side, all my nerves and anxiety had disappeared. She was all I could see, her and our little bump.

* * *

We made it through the ceremony, both of us trying hard not to breakdown for the other. I had managed to get thought the ceremony with only a glint in my eyes, Bella had shed a few tears and it only made my heart tighten.

Once we had slipped on our wedding rings, I knew she was mine forever.

After the ceremony, she slipped into little white flat satin pumps, something a little more comfortable to spend her night in.

Holding her close to me, we swayed to the music of our first dance as everyone watched on, but I didn't notice a thing.

"So, now that you can't get rid of me. What are you gonna do?" she teased

"Oh, just wait and see. You will be running off for an annulment come morning." I winked at her. "We'll, that's if you can get out of bed." I joked.

She laughed hard, pulling herself into me even closer, kissing me on the lips with her smile still firmly on her face.

At that moment, I felt a small sensation against my abdomen as the baby moved inside her. "Someone knows it's a party." I joked as I placed my hand across her belly.

Looking up at me she was still so radiant. Despite being on the go all day and being almost six months pregnant, she was still perfection.

"Did I tell you how beautiful you look?" I asked her.

"Ehh, maybe only about a hundred times." she raised an eyebrow at me.

"Well, you should know how utterly breathtaking you are, Mrs Cullen."

She roller her eyes at me "Have you been drinking?" she joked.

"Someone can't take a compliment." I told her.

She shrugged. "Well, you already knew that."

"And as your husband, I'm going to get you to accept my compliments."

She laughed at me. "I think after all this time, if it hasn't happened yet, it's not going too."

"Yes, but you forget how stubborn I can be." I reminded her.

"How stubborn?" she eyed me.

"Okay, not as stubborn as you, but no one is..." I poked out my tongue to her and she quickly snapped up her hand trying to poke it, instead poking me in the mouth.

"Oops..." was all she let out as I took hold of her hand, looking at the ring I had got on her finger.

"You know, that looks good on you." I told her as I thumbed the ring.

"What's that, my incarceration?"

"Oh really, is that how you see it?" I jokingly challenged her.

"Nope, I just get to hold onto you forever now." she sighed with contentment as she rested her head against my shoulder. Reaching the top of her head, I kissed the mass of curls, tightening my grip on her.

She was right, we were forever.

* * *

Skilfully, both of us had managed to sneak out of the company of our guests as we sped up the two flights of stairs, as fast as Bella could manage.

Kissing her lips, needing her, I pushed open my bedroom door, desperate to get her in.

"Can I help you?" Alice asked as she threw rose petals down on to my bed.

Bella turned around, surprised as I was.

"We...we were feeling a bit tired." I lied.

I was a horny bastard and I held Bella in front of me and my very present hard on. Once on the viagra, it was east to get it up, but not quite so easy to get it back down.

I wrapped my arms around her tight and I knew the little laugh she gave out was to the erection pressed up against her back and not the fact we had been busted, sneaking off.

"Yeh, sure. Please, remember we both have been there before." Rose chipped in with a knowing smile.

I smiled across at them, "Well, I'm sure you will be very understanding, when I tell you to get the hell out my room."

"But were not finished." Alice nodded to the bed.

Rose put her hands up to surrender. "It's fine. We'll leave you two newly weds too it." Grabbing Alice's hand she pulled her out the room but not before shouting one last comment to us. "Don't be shagging all night, you have guest."

With that I put my hand to the door and swung it closed with a bang.

She turned to face me, laughing at what just happened.

"Oh, in-laws...I can pick them." her voice full of sarcasm.

She laid her self out on the bed in front of me, with a small shy smile on her face.

"You know, Mrs Cullen, this is where it all started. Our first real kiss." She smiled a little more at the memory.

"I remember..." she sighed a little, "How could I forget? You pounced on me." she sniggered.

"I pounced on you?" I asked a little amused.

"Uh huh. I had a boyfriend, you corrupted me." she teased some more.

"I corrupted you? If it wasn't for you sneaking into my room, the whole sordid mess would never have begun."

"Oh, but it had." She reminded me with an almost whimsical tone lacing her voice. "You fancied me." She teased as she stretched out the E on her last word.

Walking closer to her, I sat on the bed, pulling her towards me, my lips brushing against hers. "And you know what? I still fancy you just as much then as I do now."

She breathed in my words before making our lips connect and pushing me back a little.

She broke away from me, looking so lovingly into my eyes. I felt like my heart could shatter with the tentative look she gave me.

How did I ever deserve someone that looked at me the ways she did?

_How did I deserve her?_

"Make love to me?" she asked so sweetly that I couldn't ever refuse her.

She turned her back to me, allowing me to unbutton her dress for her before she stood up, letting it slip down the length of her body.

Standing up, I captured her lips once again, kissing her as she pulled at my shirt.

I let my hands stroke down her sides but stopped to help her to undress me.

My trousers fell to the floor swiftly followed by my shirt and the under vest I wore underneath it.

My hands ran through her curls, completely screwing them up, but I didn't care, and I don't think Bella did either.

She stood there in a white strapless bra and matching underwear and I would have been happy to have her to be dressed like that for the rest of our days.

"I love you." she whispered into my mouth as I still continued to kiss her as I began to lay her back down on the bed.

"I love you." I whispered back to her as I pulled away, looking into her eyes.

I reached for the clasp on the back of her bra and it fell away, revealing her beautiful, larger chest.

I gently cupped her breast as I let my thumb travel across ever so gently over her nipple as she let out a moan.

"Sorry." I apologised to her, knowing that her chest had become rather sensitive during her pregnancy.

"Don't be. I like it. Just not too harsh." She warned with a small smile.

Moving my lips to her, I took the bud of her nipple in my mouth, grazing my teeth off of it. She let out a hard moan and bucked in my arms, her hands gripping my arms.

"Too sore?" I asked worried.

She let out a little laugh, shaking her head. "No..." she gasped at the air between us. "Just strangely erotic."

I sniggered at her words before moving my lips back down to the other nipple and taking it in my mouth also, grazing my teeth off of her pink flesh once again.

Once again she bucked underneath me, her hand going to my hair and gripping at it, but pushing me forward into her chest. At the same time as she did this, her legs rose up by my sides, telling me she needed me.

"Edward..." She breathed out my name as she pulled me closer to her once again. If I was to die due to suffocation of her breasts, I would at least go out a happy man.

My hands slid down her sides, my right hand, skimming the edge of her underwear before slipping it in, searching her out.

She was so completely ready for me and I only grew harder at the knowledge.

Peeling myself away from her, I stripped her of her underwear as she lay out in front of me completely naked. She gave a nervous giggle as I eyed her up before I once again blanketed her with myself and the bed covers.

She seemed nervous, maybe she was just a little giddy after today's events. It had been a long day on both of us.

Under the covers I shifted my own boxers off of me, kicking them out on to the floor somewhere. I really couldn't give a damn where right now.

She lay below me, feeling my erection against her skin as she mockingly gasped "You're naked." she let out another little laugh as I kissed her, jokingly reminding her she was naked too and I was just about to take total advantage of the situation.

Her legs wrapped around me, impatient for me to take her as she chewed on her lip, trying to hold in the needing groan I could tell she was holding in with the inflation of her chest.

I let my hands slide down her soft skin once again, feeling every curve of her and kissing them too.

I stroked her centre and all she did was increase her hold around me and her back curved up towards me.

"You're killing me here, Edward." She told me off.

"Sorry, what did you call me?" I asked, looking into her eyes.

She looked confused. "Edward." she replied as if I had accused her of calling out another man's name.

"No, Mrs Cullen. What did you call me?" I asked, teasing her and she understood instantly.

"You're killing me here, Mr Cullen." she laughed before she reached up kissing my lips once again.

Breaking away from her lips, "I do believe I am a doctor." I reminded her.

She laughed harder at that one. "Okay, Dr Cullen, You're killing me here. I need a good going over."

I laughed back at that one and the pink blush that filled her cheeks at her own words.

"We'll I suppose I better check everything is in working order."

Kissing her lips, I once again pulled back. "Pillow soft perfection." I told her about her lips.

Reaching for her neck I kissed it, before running my tongue along her collar bone.

Looking up at her once again, I decided. "Delectable."

She rolled her eyes at that one before I moved my lips to her breasts, peppering them with small gentle kisses. Looking back up to her "Sexy." I confirmed.

Reaching for her centre, I felt her warmth against my finger tips. Once gain I looked back up to her "Completely ready for me."

She smiled and nodded as she tugged on my arm, making my face parallel to hers and reconnecting our lips.

Shifting above her I slowly teased my self into her as she tried so hard for me to just take her. I gripped at her thighs, stopping her but as she gripped at my hair I felt myself give up and I was inside her, hissing against her mouth.

I could feel her smile as she kissed me, no doubt a little smug.

I felt her surround me as we worked ourselves up to a mind blowing climax, her body almost convulsing below me. It sent me over the edge, exhausting me before I collapsed down on the bed beside her, not daring to put my weight against her.

She sighed and giggled at the same time as she rested her head upon my chest, her fingers trailing through the small amount of hair on my chest too.

"Would it be wrong if we never went back down?" She was kidding but I seriously wish we didn't have too. All I wanted to do, was to be with my wife.

_Wife_

God that sounded so good. She was now _my wife_, she was _mine_.

_Officially. _

_Legally. _

_Binding._

"The might notice. I think Alice may come and drag us back out if we don't go down soon." I could just imagine being caught in some crazy position by Alice, stomping in.

"Yeh..." she agreed it to the air, the look in her eyes far away.

"What are you thinking about?" she seemed as if she was in her own little world. I hoped I was at least somewhere in it.

She turned to me with a small smile on her face "You, today, the baby. It's just been so fast."

I was worried that she had felt too much pressure. That even though she wanted to be married, she felt rushed into it because she was pregnant. I had only wanted to marry so soon because I want her to be mine as soon as possible.

"Has it been too much to quick?" I ran my fingers through her hair, trying to ease any stress or anxiety that she might have had.

"No. Not at all. It's been great. It's all I have ever wanted, and it's all come true." her eyes were a little glazed but it was nothing but joy that shone out from them.

"You really wanted a baby, didn't you? I know this wasn't your doing, but at sometime you wanted to have a baby?"

I had shot her down time after time at the mention of children. We had briefly argued about it once and that was it, any other attempt and I wouldn't let her talk about it. The thing was, I wanted it too.

I wanted all the same things she wanted but I wouldn't allow it. I wouldn't allow her to block her escape from me. But she didn't want to escape me, she loved me and with the exception of making her choose me or the baby, she never would leave me.

By her own stubbornness, she had given me everything I wanted. I got Bella as my wife and the baby was on the way. If she ever for a moment listened to me, if she had did what she really didn't want to do, there would be no baby and quite possibly no Bella either.

"Yeh, I wanted a baby but I would never have left you if you didn't. This..." she rubbed at her bump. "...this was a happy accident."

Pulling her hand up to my lips I kissed the back of it. "It definitely is." I agreed.

"And, you're getting better too." she cooed.

"Yeh, well...some day I'll be normal." I corrected her.

She laughed, her eyes gazing into mine "You are normal, Edward. You're perfect."

I only snorted at that one.

"You know, we really should go down." as much as I hated it, we had too. And it was going to be the New Year soon enough. It was only a couple of hours until the Bells would chime.

She nodded and got up, picking up her underwear as I watched her. She didn't even notice me watching her as she clasped her bra back on.

Meeting my eyes, she laughed "Are you just going to lay there, perving?"

"Yep. Husband privileges." I just shrugged at her.

Reaching for her dress she slid it back up her body before sitting at the edge of the bed waiting for me to button it up.

"Well, dress me. That's another one for you to add to the list."

"No, husband privileges are undressing, not dressing."

"There was a footnote to that one; knock them up and you have to help the with the dressing." she told me flatly as I laughed and began to button her up, but not before leaving a trail of kisses along her shoulders.

* * *

Eventually we made it back down stairs. Bella's hair was completely down now and it swayed across her shoulders as I watched her being dragged across the dance floor by Emmett. I was going to kill him. At least he had a good grip on her, she really _was_ just being dragged across the floor. I wasn't even sure if her feet were touching it.

The song ended and she made her way back across to me, Emmett, with an arm wrapped around her shoulder, walked over too.

Before I knew it we were counting down from ten and I had my arms wrapped around Bella's waist, calling out the numbers to one another then kissing one another passionately.

It was a new year and I had my wife in front of me with our ever growing bump in between us.

I was prepared for the new challenges that would come to us this year, the good and the bad. The baby was going to change everything, but for the first time in my life...

I welcomed the new year...

I welcomed the future.

* * *

_**a/n: Please be a sweet and review – I was in bed all day yesterday!**_

_**Remember – links to dresses are on my FF page xx**_


	23. Chapter 22

_**a/n: Sorry I took so long. I struggled finishing this chapter and I have been kinda on "holiday" so I have been out and about everyday.**_

* * *

**Chapter 22**

**BPOV**

Waking up I had the overwhelming desire to go to the bathroom. A baby on the bladder does nothing for you first thing in the morning other than get you on your feet, quick.

I climbed over my new husband, my legs quickly straddling his sleeping form and I couldn't help resist the urge to give him a quick kiss as he slept.

I reached down to his perfectly resting form and pecked him on the lips. Instantly I felt his hands grab at my hips, holding me in place. I gave out a small squeal in surprise and a smile ghosted his lips as his eyes opened up to me.

"Good morning, Mr Cullen." I gave out in my best husky voice, a small laugh coming from Edward in my attempt to be seductive. It just wasn't me, I knew that, I was only playing – thing was, Edward liked to play along.

"Well, good morning to you too, Mrs Cullen." his sleepy voice sounding so sexy, he didn't even need to try. "Where, do you think, you are sneaking off too?"

His thumbs stroked along my hip bones, soft, gentle and doing things to me that I was desperate for.

"Bathroom. Baby bladder is never good." I shrugged, trying to climb off of him but he stopped me. His features darkening.

He was quiet, his brows furrowed together. It had me worried.

"Edward, are you okay?" I asked a little worried.

He gave a brief look up at me before he averted his gaze back down.

I reached my hand forward, letting the backs of my fingers stroke at his cheek. "If there is anything that's worrying you, you can talk to me. We're married now. We're a proper team." I told him without hesitation.

His silence was making me worried, my gut knotting and I still had to use the bathroom. He picked his moment to turn to silence and worry me.

"It's...it's just so crazy. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I feel like the closer the baby gets here, the more I feel like I'm going to lose control."

I could feel the panic rise in me. Our life never could be smooth sailing for just a few days during this pregnancy. There was _always_ an issue.

I wanted to cry. I just wanted to wake up and be happy at getting to be Mrs Cullen.

"You know what? I know that you are going to be great. That all this fear is over nothing. You're going to be a brilliant dad." I tried to get him to believe it, he had too. I couldn't have him slip from me already, not when I had felt we had became the steadiest we had been in a long time.

A crack on his lips appeared, followed by a small smile and then a laugh.

_He was playing with me_.

I pushed myself up off of his chest, sitting up on his legs and swiftly slapping his chest, hard, for his little game.

"Not funny, Edward." I grunted at him but with his laugh I struggled to hide my amusement. "I need to pee." I told him, trying to get off of him.

"I know, I was going to see how long you would suffer while trying to be nice." He laughed harder, his gorgeous smile, wide.

"Next time I'm just leaving you to suffer. For good." I told him sharply but with out really meaning it and he knew so he continued to laugh at me.

I wriggled out of his firm grasp eventually and grabbed hold of my satin "wedding night" dressing gown, covering my naked body.

"Don't be long." he ordered as he continued to laugh.

_I would get him back for that one._

* * *

I had got back through to the room a few minutes later and he was still lying stretched out on his back on the bed. One of his arms resting above his head. He looked over to me and his warm smile had me.

I was instantly straddling him again, reaching for his lips once more and kissing him with my dressing gown still on.

My tongue rolled into his mouth, his tongue striking against mine, tasting one another.

I let the fingers of my left hand rake through his messy copper hair as the fingers on my right hand, clasped at his hand that rested above his head.

His spare hand trailed along my side before moving in-between the tight space between myself and Edward as he reached down to my parted legs that braced over him.

My breath hitched as I felt his fingers stroke against my bare centre, his touch sending an electric current through me.

My body slouched further into him as his I felt him slide a finger inside me.

I was going to die of lust, but I didn't care.

I could feel him below me, hard. I untangled my fingers from his hair, sliding the tips of my fingers down his naked torso before taking hold of him from through the bed covers.

I could feel him in my grasp, through the material, and I could feel his grip on my hand getting tighter.

He freed his hand from my core as he tried to pull me down closer towards him but I slipped out from under his grasp, jumping off of the bed.

He looked at me, completely shocked as he sat up on his elbows and I pulled my dressing gown, closed.

"Where are you going this time?" He asked as he looked up at me in disbelief.

I raised my eyebrows to him "I promised myself... I'd get you back." I motioned to his very obvious erection I had felt only moments ago.

His eyes narrowed at me as I tried to hold in my laugh. "You think you're getting away with that one?" he asked almost seriously. I could tell he was going to show me exactly what he thought about that _one_.

He jumped out of bed, naked, rushing to me, picking me up as he pushed me against the wall, kissing me ferociously.

He held my ass as he wrapped my legs around his waist.

It wasn't an easy task to do with an expanding bump in front of me and if he thought he could have me against the wall from this angel, he had to think again.

He laughed and I knew the realization had dawned on him that this was going to be more than a little tricky with my bump.

I laughed too "This isn't going to work." I told him matter of factly.

"Bad angle," he shrugged as if it was nothing before pulling me into him as he wrapped an arm around me.

He moved swiftly on his feet before giving a 'Christ, your getting heavy' and getting a slap to the shoulder for his cheek.

With a loud crash behind me, he swiped at his desk that had been there for years, since before that first night I sneaked into his room, clearing it of it's contents.

I laughed again at his antics, not quite believing he had actually done that. I was half expecting his family to come running up the stairs at the noise.

He sat me down on the very edge of the table, pushing me back a little so my shoulders rested on the wall behind me. I could feel the cold wall seep through the material of my dressing gown and was glad I had it on to protecting me a little from the cold.

Edward reached forward kissing my lips as he pushed himself into me sharply. I gasped at the feel of him but I relished it all the same. Tightening my grip around his waist, he began to pound into me, my shoulders sliding up and down the wall at the force, the satin of the material making it all that more easier.

He continued with his motions, his electric current building up inside of me all the more. I gripped at his forearms, needing to hold onto something to help expel some of the building tension inside of me. My toes curled as my legs dangled down from the desk, my toes almost scuffing off of the carpet below us.

Edward pulled back, watching me, watching the movements between us. He still held on tight to my ass, securing my place at the edge of the table so he could have me at the amazing angle we held. I could feel his fingers gripping in tight to my soft flesh, pulling me into him time and time again.

His brow shone with a light sheen of sweat as he made love to me. I still couldn't take the smile off of my face at how determined he was to have me.

The smile still played on his lips too, and reaching back down to me, he kissed me as I began to feel the ball of electricity expand.

There was going to be sparks, great big town-without-power, sparks.

I gripped at his wrists harder, digging my nails in as I told him 'harder' across his mouth.

He only let out a growl at my demand before I felt him pull me even further to the edge of the desk, more of him filling me.

He was harder – in more ways than one.

With another thrust, I felt my self spasm around him, my shoulders trembling off of the wall that I lay against. I let out a moan as I felt him cum moments later. His mouth collapsing down on to my shoulder, biting me to try and muffle his own cries of pleasure.

I could feel the very edge of his short nails dig into me as he did.

His body collapsed on to mine but he was still so conscious about any pressure on me and my belly that he slumped mostly to the side.

With a lot of exhausted effort, he picked me up, releasing himself from me, and brought us both down to the floor. My dressing gown blanketing both of our naked bodies in process.

He sighed and smiled below me as I adjusted myself above him, letting my head rest on his shoulder.

He only let out a laugh as he tried to catch his breath again.

* * *

We were somewhat, reasonably dressed as we made our way down stairs. He held my hand the entire way down, our fingers entwined.

Passing through the halls, I realized just how much of a party we had last night for our wedding reception. There was confetti everywhere.

Looking down at the white gold band that now sat with my engagement ring, I couldn't even try to hide my smile. I was now and forever 'Mrs Cullen'. I loved the thought of that, that I had Edward forever now and that we were going to be a real family soon enough.

The wedding had been great. I had been so nervous at the thought of walking down that isle that I thought I couldn't do it. But I had too, because I had to have Edward and I knew that I could never leave him waiting for me.

As soon as I met his eyes though, all worry was gone. All I saw was him.

"Here comes the happy couple." I heard Esme practically sing as we made it into the kitchen.

"Morning." I let out sounding as happy as I felt. I couldn't help it. I was floating on a cloud.

I felt Edward pull me into him, wrapping an arm around me and my belly as he poured out coffee.

"So how does it feel to be a Cullen, Bella?" Carlisle, my new father in-law asked with a smile.

"Great." I smiled wildly up at Edward. This was all I had ever wanted to be. Marriage wasn't something I had thought about lightly, I questioned it a lot after the divorce of my own parents but with Edward, I knew it was right. That being his wife was what I wanted.

"Though you have never treated me anything less than family before." They hadn't. I had always been there family, always, even before my relationship with Edward.

Carlisle shrugged at my words. "That's because you have never have been anything less, Bella. Yesterday was just making it official."

I nodded to him, at his kind words. I knew they all loved me as if I really was there own.

"I heard a bang?" Rose came out with very matter of factly, almost accusing. She was stirring, I could tell with the smile on her face.

I knew exactly what bang she was referring to as well, Edward trashing his desk so we could have sex on it.

"Yeh, we were having sex." Edward spat out flatly without even batting an eyelid or even an ounce of shame.

I felt myself turn scarlet at his frankness as Esme burst into laughter, covering her face and Carlisle shaking his head in disbelief at there own son.

Rose only rose a questioning eyebrow along with Alice's two raised brows.

Emmett and Jasper didn't seem as shocked and that worried me a little, they only gave a proud smile to Edward. I mentally rolled my eyes at the thought, _boys will be boys_.

"So we're all heading out, leaving you two love birds too it." Esme tried to change the subject but failing slightly with the meaning behind her words.

"No, don't do that." I told them instantly, I didn't want to kick them out there own home because we were still here.

"Really, I think I'll try to avoid any more bangs for today. I'll only know what you pair are up too now." she tried to hold in her laugh. "We're all going out, up to Lafayette creek."

I felt a small wave of disappointment that they were all going out together for a day out and that we were missing it.

"We can come." I quickly told them. I didn't want to miss out. I knew soon enough that with the baby, going up there wouldn't be easy.

"Can't we?" I asked Edward, feeling a little guilty at wanting to spend time with everyone.

I felt like I had to choose Edward or his family, and the day after our wedding, it wasn't good.

He gave a small laugh "Sure. I'd rather spend the day warm and have sex, but the creek sounds good to me." He was being sincere. Even through his poorly chosen words, he was being sweet.

I looked back at the rest of them. "I..I just want to spend a little time with us all together before the baby gets here." It was rare for us to actually all go out and do something, I didn't want to miss it.

I looked back up at Edward, worried that he would be hurt. "Are you sure you don't mind..?"

He smiled down at me. "No, not at all. I think it's a good idea." Looking up to his family, he double checked. "That okay with everyone?"

They all gave nods of approval and yes's.

"Go get ready." Alice ordered, the rest of them all dressed for the day.

Edward only smacked my backside with a smug grin "Race you to the shower."

* * *

January the first.

I remembered this day ten years ago. All the confusion I felt.

Edward was so far from his family, I never thought I would see this day. Let alone with me in it too.

It had been ten years since he pinned me up against the car in the garage that night, ten years since I became one of 'those women' and ten years since my life had truly begun.

A long time ago I broke a heart, and as much as I hated they way things happened, I could never be disappointed in the outcome.

"What you thinking about?" I felt Edwards warm arms wrap around me as he pulled me into his parted legs, my back against his chest.

We were in Lafayette creek and it was beautiful. Freezing, but still beautiful.

"Just thinking..." I told him, with some joy at the changes.

"About..?" He asked trailing out the word.

My brows furrowed wondering if I should tell him or not. "Jake." I just came out with it.

He knew I loved him, that Jake wasn't a worry but it still wasn't something he would really want to hear.

He nodded slightly, I could feel the movement as he held me, his hands resting on my bump.

"You know, yesterday, Alice told me that everything happens for a reason. That she was jealous when the truth came out all those years ago. She thought...well I don't really know what she thought, but she said she thought she would lose me, but instead, she got more of me."

I didn't know really what he was talking about, but I looked across at Alice, she was wrapped up in Jaspers arms too and she was completely oblivious to her surroundings.

"They all only got more of me, Bella. I would have been a mess if it wasn't for you. What happened back then...It wasn't the way it should of happened, but it was the way it was and we can't change it. I trashed my room thinking you didn't want to be with me, then I had you pinned up against my dads car when you had a boyfriend. It was messed up, and a lot of other things have have been messed up too, but it's just the way it works sometimes." He let out a little thoughtful sigh and I pulled my face up to him, wondering just exactly what was on his mind.

He looked at me and he knew I was wanting to hear all of it. "Not everything is easy, sometimes the things that cause you the most pain do that because it's harder to accept the good they bring. You know it will make you weaker, that you will open yourself up to them and bleed for them, and that's scary. I hated knowing you had power over me, especially when you were with him. I felt like you held all the cards."

"And now?" I had to ask, his presence was so serious, so connected.

"Now, now we're a team. Me and you against this one." he rubbed at my stomach as he reached down ad kissed my cheek. "If there going to be anything like me, we need to be prepared for huffy tantrums." he laughed lightly, mocking himself so easily. I like how he could do it but I also worried that he would ever try to belittle his condition.

"Everything happens for a reason, Bella. Jake was apart of your life and we hurt him bad, but if we didn't, where would we be now? I know for sure that I wouldn't be as happy as I am." I couldn't even begin to think where my life would be now. I couldn't ever imagine being with Jake now.

"I remember that day when you went home and back to him, I wanted to die. You crushed me but when I called you after Billy had ended up in hospital, I realized it wasn't so easy on you either. And when you fell pregnant I had some visual of my life without you and I knew I couldn't have that. I always knew that you would win this fight," He rubbed at my belly once again, indication the fight on whether or not to keep the baby. "that you were too determined for your own good. But I had to try, but if it meant losing you..." he sighed to himself once again. He knew he could never give me up even if it meant I was making a decision about his life that he didn't want.

"I've accepted this baby, I have, really." he rubbed at his own face trying to get his words out, to get them in order. "But at the beginning I just saw all the bad. You know I do it." he rolled his eyes at himself.

"And again, a lot of bad moves, a lot of feelings were hurt, and I suppose in away, it only made us stronger. We...I should have done things a lot more differently, but that was me, I was confused, and back then, that was you, and you were confused. People get hurt, the people you love get hurt because of the simple fact that you love them. We open ourselves up to them and with the good, we let in some of the bad, too."

"A lots happened in ten years..." my words trailed off into the air.

He nodded against me once again. "But would you do any of it differently?"

"Not if it meant it changed the out come now, no. This is how its meant to be thought." I knew it was, I wasn't meant to be with Edward and we were meant to have this baby.

He kissed my ear "Definitely." and pulled me up even closer too him.

"It's such a nice day. I'm glad you suggested it." he told me as he looked around the trees.

"I thought you would be a little pissed."I thought he would have been. At least a little annoyed but he seemed genuinely happy to be here.

"Na, I get you to myself all the rest of the time. It's only fair I share you around." his wicked grin spreading across his face.

"Do you think we'll argue when the baby gets here, you know, will we be all stressed out?" I knew it would happen.

"Yeh, it will be a lot to deal with. We'll bitch and fight and tell one another we're doing it all wrong, well, at least I'll be telling you that you're doing it all wrong." he shrugged with his smile still on his face. "But ignore me, ignore any freak outs, any temper tantrums and I'll try to pretend you're not crazy when you suspect they have every illness under the sun because they sneezed."

I narrowed my eyes at him, "Funny, Cullen."

He laughed again "Give it time..." It was mad, we were preparing ourselves for the worst. I suppose, we always tried to prepare for the worst, it was how we functioned. We tried to see the good, but sometimes we could be just so negative. Least this time we could laugh about it.

"What about the good things?" I asked praying that there was good to having a baby. I knew there was, I just seemed to struggle with what they were right now.

"The good... There is so much. There is a lot of good, Bella, don't ever worry about that one, okay." he seemed so sure of himself, so...so positive. I felt truly relaxed that he had in fact accepted the baby.

Though going by the amount of clothes he had stashed at his parents away from me, I shouldn't be surprised.

"So...about these extra baby clothes?" I challenged him, I had saw them in one of my little panics before the wedding. Seeing them only made me realize all the more that marrying him was the right decision.

"Ummm..." He looked off into the trees for some answer, some kind of excuse. "I don't know what you're talking about?" he looked back down at me, confused, well least he pretended to be. He knew fine well that I was talking bout.

"I liked them." he let out a breath of air, slumping, relaxing into me.

"I'm sorry. I just had too..." His little pathetic attempt with the pleading puppy dog eyes worked and I reached up to him, kissing him squarely on the lips.

"I like them." I promised him again, showing him I really did and that I wasn't mad at him for it.

Okay, so we had a slight falling out about it last week. But his addiction was insane. I though it was only women that went into over drive at things for babies. I was wrong. Edward had bought multiples of...everything. We wouldn't need half the things he had bought. The thing was, there was still plenty we needed to buy, practical things that had slipped his mind.

"Just no more, okay. Not until we have all the practical things and if we know its a boy or a girl." I told him a little firmly. "Besides, if you want to make yourself useful, you can decorate the room." I ordered him with a small laugh.

"I'll get someone onto it." he told me and I rolled my eyes at him and ignored it. I knew he would end up deciding to get a painter in. He just seemed to avoid anything that caused mess. I liked things like that, it was fun to get into a mess.

* * *

The day had been really great. It was good to finally just relax after the pressure of the past few weeks. It had felt like I was beginning to suffocate with everything that had been going on around me.

Edward was better too, a lot better actually. He seemed a little more comfortable in himself too, I _didn't_ know if it was to do with his medication or if it was the simple knowledge that this was beginning to end.

Pulling into his side I wrapped an arm around his waist, holding onto him. I was exhausted after our day out and I could feel my eyes flutter shut.

"Sleeping...already?" he mocked as he pulled me further into him.

I laughed a little, "I know, so romantic. This is why you do the wedding part before the knocking up." I told him flatly. "So we can have sex like real newly-weds." I shrugged.

"I think we managed that pretty well yesterday. And this morning." he pulled down to me, kissing my forehead. "Besides, you're mine now. I get all the sex I demand."

I actually snorted at that one. "Okay, fine, I get all the sex you demand." he corrected.

I patted him playfully on the chest, "That a boy." and tired to hold in my laughter.

"Can you believe we got married yesterday and tomorrow, I have work?" He mused to himself as he played with the ends of my hair. It was pretty rubbish, but he had planned to keep as much time as he could, for when the baby arrived.

"I know, it sucks. But I have work too." I needed to try and get as much as I could sorted with my writer before the baby came. I needed to know I could relax and forget about him when I needed too.

We had almost no time to get back to normal. It had been madness for so long and now it was straight back and into the norm.

Now I knew why people had honeymoons, they were zapped of all there energy, all over one day of there lives. Okay, a pretty important day, but all the same I felt like I could do with a little getaway myself now, but it was back to reality and dealing with everything before the baby got here.

We were running out of time with all the ups and the downs we had. I suppose I should have been happy just to have no drama going on. I had felt like it had breeding off of us constantly the past months.

"Yeh, well, just make sure you don't over do it. Take it easy, you don't need to rush back into anything." He didn't want me rushing about at all but he didn't seem to realize that I needed to try and sort this before I took official maternity leave. Then I could relax and enjoy doing all the small things that mum to bes get to do.

"I mean it." he warned.

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about a thing. Life is good, just enjoy it for once and stop seeing the bad." I knew it was fruitless to try and get him to stop worrying but I had to try to ease his mind. He was going to drive himself mad with worry.

"I see the good, Bella." he told me with a small smile before reaching down and kissing my lips. Breaking away, "I can still just act like every guy that's going to be a dad and freak out, just for the sheer hell of it." He had a point. I'm sure there were thousands of men waiting to be dads, freaking out on there partners.

I was beginning to see that Edward would of course still hold all the usual concern and worry of any other guy in his position, so I let him have it. I let him have the small worries, but I still tried to ease his mind.

"Okay. I promise tomorrow, I'll just be lazy, I'll do something that I want to do, something...fun." I shrugged against him.

He laughed hard at my words and I knew he never believed me.

I sat up, looking him in the eye. "Seriously, if that's what you want, for me not to rush back into work, I'll just do something for myself." I nodded firmly, sure of my words and my promise.

He could have it. If it helped him worry less, he could have it. _Just this once thought._

He narrowed his eyes at me, still a little disbelieving. "Really?" he questioned as he sat up on his elbows.

"Yes. I swear on my baby's life, I will do no work tomorrow." I placed my hand on my bump.

His smile grew and he reached up kissing me on the lips as he placed his hand over mine, the one that rested on my bump.

"Thank you." he mumbled across my mouth.

I nodded, accepting his words.

He pulled me back down on to him, my head resting on his shoulder and I could feel his finger tracing small circles on my own shoulder.

Tomorrow I would do what made _me_ happy, no work, though that did make me happy, but for Edward, I would prove to him that I could do what he asked and just not rush back to work. I knew I needed too, but what was one more day, especially if it would mean that it relaxed Edward about his own general 'father to be' woes.

Snuggling into him, I could smell his usual warm smell, and with it, I fell fast asleep in my husbands arms.

* * *

_**a/n: Please review!! they make my world keep turning and my fingers keep typing!!**_

**_Ohh and also - on the 16th was my 1st B'day of writing TwiFF - it only took me another 5 months until I built up enough courage to finally start typing up HOTRS - despit it running in my head for the whole 5 months lol._**

_**xx**_


	24. Chapter 23

_**a/n: ahh I know, boo, hiss, where the hell have I been?! I have had some real issues I kinda needed to deal with and I just couldn't face doing this. I had to have a break. I hope you all understand. Please read the a/n at the end. I need help!**_

* * *

**Chapter 23**

**EPOV**

Wakening up, I could feel her lips against my neck, kissing me. "I'm liking this whole 'just married' thing." I told her as I felt her lips trail down to my collar bone.

She let out a small beautiful laugh at my words. "Shoulda asked me earlier." Christ, if only I had. _I wish I had._

She reached back up to me, meeting my lips with hers and kissing me chastely on them before pulling back and focusing on one another.

She held her weigh on her arm, her fingers messing with the ends of my hair. I could have stayed like this all day and just have looked at her and felt her caring touch.

I closed my eyes and let out some kind of sad moan to myself.

"What's wrong?" she asked worried, when I opened my eyes to her again, I could see the pain etched on her face. She was panicking again. I felt like she was constantly on edge, waiting for me to explode. _I hated it_.

"Nothing, Love. Nothing, except I have to leave you here and go to work. Why didn't we take a honeymoon again?" I joked. I knew fine why we decided against it. It was so I could use the rest of my holiday time with my paternity time off to help (or hinder) Bella, as much as possible before and after the baby got here.

"Because _you_ thought it was a better idea to save your holiday leave." she shrugged at me knowing full well it was my own idea.

_Damn._

I shrugged and began to shuffle up on my elbows, reaching up for a quick kiss from her once again.

_But she had other ideas. _

Pushing me back down she climbed on top of me, straddling me. I hoped this time she wasn't going to jump off of me like she had done yesterday, joking around.

"Mrs Cullen, you'll make me late for work." like that would stop me. I had been late on more than a few occasions because of our activities. I'm sure it would be expected for me to be late, two days after getting married.

"I woke you up early." Her eyes glancing over to the clock and I saw it was still only five thirty in the morning.

Smiling up at her and seeing that knowing look across her face. "I love you." I promised, and with that, I had her.

* * *

Driving in late to work, I couldn't hide the smile she had given me. Not only after my wake up call but also the fact she had actually married me. I only wished now it was passed with, that we had some time alone to enjoy it properly. I wish I had taken her away from here and we could have laid in one another's arms in some blissed out state of euphoria.

But no. It was back to work.

"Here he is." My dad called out knowing fine well I was late but I knew the others would understand and that I didn't need to be pulled up or given a sharp word.

Even if he did, I still don't think he could have taken the smile of my face anyway.

I shrugged to them, apologizing "I'm sorry... I slept in."

"Well that's either a lie, or she wore you out last night." Felix winked at me with a all to knowing smile.

Picking up a chart, I looked up at him "Excuse me, that's my wife you are talking about." tucking the chart below my arm "But yeh, you're right, that was a lie." I told them all honestly.

"Please, Edward. You are at work now and I really don't need to hear any more. Yesterday was enough." he trailed off with a little sigh at my brazenness. I just couldn't help it. I felt too smarmy for my own good.

"Ohh, what happened yesterday?" Afton jumped in.

"Nothing, that I won't have a few questions on for your wife on." I needed to rethink this bump issue. It would be a new learning curve though.

"Chelsea?" he asked bemused. His wife, Chelsea was Bella's, obstetrician. "What would she kn...never mind." he shook his head, thinking better of the question he was going to ask.

I only laughed as Felix looked on, confused. "Your wife, she's the doc down in..." he stopped thinking, the realization coming to him too. "uh huh, Eddie. Never mind."

"A pair of prudes, you know that." I joked as I headed on the way my father had headed.

"Dad." I called on him, quickening my pace to reach him

"Dad?" He asked back, amused. Shit, he knew I wanted something. "What do you want, Edward. You only call me dad at work when you want something."

I looked down a little sheepishly knowing he had me. I usually called him 'Boss'. Well he was my boss after all.

"Spit it out, son."

"Bella." it was all I said and I hoped he would understand.

"Wife." he replied, instantly, playing his owl little game of wind-up.

I nodded. "Can I get away early if I can? I know, its really crap of me to ask you this and I'm sorry, but if you don't need me later can I try and slope out of here early?"

"I told you you should have taken some time off." He knew I really didn't want to be here right now. He could tell these things so much easier now that I had let my family in.

"I know. I was just trying to be practical." I shrugged as I nervously scratched at my brow.

"And now?" he asked with a small amused laugh, knowing that I really didn't care about that, all I cared about was enjoying the moment I had right now.

"I want to spend time with my wife." my tone was quiet and it hurt a little to know that I had left her all alone in our apartment, by herself. I wanted her. Things were good. I was good. Why wasn't I just enjoying the time I had with her. _Just this once._

He rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes and I knew that he was thinking.

"One, you can leave at one. Come back on Thursday, we can cope without you till then but you need to be back in on Thursday, okay."

"Thursday? Really?" I never expected that, for him to give me actual two full days off as well as this afternoon. He could take them out of my holiday if he wanted, it was the fact that he was giving them to me in the first place.

"Just use it wisely. Treat her...do something...just be together and alone before the baby gets here because you'll have your hands full then."

I couldn't help it. I just had to do it. Reaching him, I hugged him, patting him on the back, thanking him. "Thanks."

Pulling away from him he smiled back at me. "It's fine. This once, you can get away with it. The others will understand and help me out." He nodded sure of our team.

I knew they would as well. They knew I never got away with shit just because my dad was the boss. He was probably tougher on me than the others anyway.

* * *

"Doctor Cullen." her breath whispered out down the phone line. I loved her voice. It did the craziest things to me, especially the one she thought sounded stupid. It kinda actually worked for me.

"Mrs Cullen..." I replied back, the smile showing in my tone.

"What are you calling for?" She asked as I heard her make some noise in the background, I felt like I was disturbing her, somewhat.

"Can't a husband call his wife with out it seeming suspicious? We're only just married. I haven had time to start an affair yet." I joked with her.

"No one else would have you." she shot straight back at me. She had me there. Only Bella was crazy enough to put up with me.

"Touché. So...I was calling to see how you are. If you have kept away from your work like you promised?" my tone was questioning. I knew she had promised but I knew she wanted to try and get her work sorted as well.

"A promise is a promise, Edward. I'm actually keeping myself entertained. Something _I _want to do."

"What _are_ you doing?" It was good to know she was at least following through.

"Not telling. Its a surprise..." I grew a little frustrated at that one. I wasn't to big on surprises. But I let it go. I just tried to tell myself she was some what reasonable and responsible and wouldn't be doing anything too stupid.

"Fine." I huffed my obvious tone that told her I was a little put out by her secrecy but she didn't say anything in response, she only gave a small laugh down the phone.

"I'll see you later." I promised. I never told her that I was coming home early. If she wanted to give surprises, I could give them too.

"I'll see you soon, Doctor Cullen." she giggled down the phone and hung up, not giving me any time for some sharp tongue comment back at her.

The rest of the day trailed in. I would honestly hate to feel it if I had to stay all day, but by one o'clock I was finished for the day and heading back to my car.

I sped all the way home, desperate to get back to Bella. I was dying to know what she had done to keep herself occupied as she had promised.

Walking in the door, I heard her sing along to the radio. She was always such a god awful singer. She rarely did it, but was often rumbled when she thought the apartment was empty.

All I could hear was her strangling out the words to some 'Beach Boys' song.

"Bella..?" I called out to her. Her voice was coming from the soon to be nursery and I had a visual of her nesting, up to her elbows in bleach scrubbing it out. Either that or she was trying to sort through the load of clothes that we had brought back from my mothers last night.

"Edward..?" Her tone was a lot more questioning, obviously surprised at my early return.

Taking off my jacket and placing down my keys I headed for her.

Opening the door, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Bella. Painting. _And up a ladder_.

My face obviously showed my disapproval because the smile she wore, dropped.

"What the hell are you doing?" What did she think she was doing?

"Wh...what. I thought I would make a start." she looked up at the lavender wall, the colour we had chosen to go with in New York.

Marching over to her, reaching up to her, I picked her up off of the ladder and placed her back on her feet where she was safe.

I turned around, away from her, trying to keep myself in check.

"What? What's the matter?" She asked worried as she tried to reach for my shoulder.

"You. You are up a fucking ladder at six months pregnant. How stupid are you?" her eyes were glazed as I met her with my look and words. I was wrong. She clearly never had the intelligence to keep herself out of stupid ideas for any length of time.

"I'm fine." she argued, her eyes full of anger too. "I thought we should make a start." she shrugged.

"I told you I was going to get someone in to do that." I argued back, completely pissed off at her. What was she thinking. Its like the number one rule of fucking common-sense when having a baby. She really did think she was completely indestructible.

"Well I wanted to do it and you told me I was to do something for myself. It's painting, Edward I can manage that."

I rubbed at my head knowing she was right. I didn't want her doing things like that but I wouldn't stop her. It was the whole being up a ladder that was the issue. And where the hell had it came from in the first place.

"You can paint, just not up a damn ladder. Where the Christ did it come from anyway?" I really didn't know if I wanted that answer.

"I hired it, some guy called round with it and brought it up." Least she hadn't carried it around the city by herself. "And I was fine on the ladder." she told me pointedly.

She was, but something _could_ have happened.

"But what if something happened. You can't do that, Bella. Don't be so fucking ridiculous. Something serious could have happened."

"But it didn't and I am _not_ ridiculous for wanting to be ready for my baby. I wanted us to do this, but all you want is some stranger to come in and do it for you. It's always the same."

With her words she stepped past me and out the door but not before shoving the roller into my chest, covered in the lavender paint.

"This is John Varvatos." I shouted as I pulled at the material of my designer shirt.

"Like I could give a shit." Was all Bella quipped back through from the bedroom.

I gripped onto the handle of the roller, fighting with my patience. I was ready for going in there and going off at her, at her stupidity and for once, I felt like it was all me, nothing of the monster. I just wanted to rant and tell her how daft she was being. Me. Nothing else seemed to be present in my mind. No clouded thoughts, taking over.

I placed the roller back in the paint try, trying to keep the splattered paint from going anywhere else and opening my shirt I peeled it off, balling at the ruined material.

It was one of my favourite shirts too.

I followed on after her, still determined to have my say.

"That was one of my favourites." I snapped at her in our bedroom. She had her back to me and I knew she was trying her best to ignore the monster. But he wasn't here and she needed to hear this.

"I can't believe you did that. That you were up a ladder. Don't you know better than that? God I would rather you had done your work if this was the other option." I rambled off to her back still.

"Bella?" I demanded her attention but she never gave it, all I heard was some sniffle coming from her and I knew that sad look I had saw in her eyes had overtaken her anger at me.

I crawled across the bed to her, needing to make sure she was okay.

I pulled her back into my front, my arms wrapping around her shoulders. She tried to wriggle away from my grip but I held on tight as I heard her shed more tears and more sniffles coming from her.

"Bella, Bella." I tried to sooth in her ear, my grip holding on tight to her knowing I had jumped at her actions a bit too hasty.

But she really needed to understand. She could have fallen and anything could have happened to her. I was mad because I wasn't here, I wasn't here to stop her. I had been at work and she wanted to take on a messy task that I would rather pass on to a professional.

She liked making a mess, I should have known better, been a step ahead of her thoughts. I knew her as well as she knew herself.

"I'm sorry that I shouted." but I wasn't sorry for what I said. I was right. She was wrong.

"Go away. Just leave me alone." she tried to pull away again, her body sobbing.

She needed to understand why I acted like I had. It was all me after all.

"No. Listen to me, I'm sorry that I shouted like that but I only just got to keep you. I don't want to lose you or the baby. I can't. Just don't be so careless. You need to look after yourself-"

"But I am. I do. I was fine." She jumped in, trying to argue but her tone not as quite as convincing.

"But there, you could have slipped. I've saw it all before, Bella. I work in a hospital." I reminded her. I had saw it before, careless accidents.

She only sobbed harder and I hated myself for ruining her day for her. She had been so happy when I had arrived, I could hear it in her voice and see it in her smile that she had before I came in snapping at her.

She tried to pull out from me again, but my grip only grew tighter. "Just leave me." she tired to pull herself out again. But I wasn't letting go.

"No, I'm sorry I snapped. I just can't live without you and that was pretty risky." I sighed off in to the air knowing this was a losing battle. She wasn't going to see it from my side.

"I was only painting-"

"And you can paint. Just not up a ladder." It wasn't as if it was some two step thing, she was standing on the top step of a full length one that decorators use. "You should have got me to do it."

"You? You told me you were getting someone in to do it. I just wanted to do this, for us. For us to do the nursery, not someone we don't know who doesn't care who its for."

It was some paint on the walls of a room. Okay, I could understand that we care a lot more about the baby sleeping in it than some one who doesn't know us. _But it was paint_.

"I just wanted us to do it together but when you said about getting some one in to do it...we had the paint, so I did it myself." She sniffled into the huge t shirt she wore and I quickly realized it was one of mine also, an old one I didn't really care for. It had paint on it so I began to pull on the hem of it.

"You should take this off before you get paint on the bed." I told her gently, her arms only lifting up to my command. "You should have said though, Bella, if you wanted us to do it, all you had to do was say. I just thought it would be one less thing for you to worry about if I got someone in."

"I didn't mean to make you angry." she was still sobbing and I tried my hardest to keep her warm in my arms.

"I'm not angry. I...I just saw the worst. I just panicked. I'm not angry, Bella." Of course I wasn't angry, not with her. But as much as I felt I had control of my actions and emotions, I still only saw the worst.

I reached into her, kissing her temple and holding her close to me. We were both topless and I was beginning to worry she would get cold. All she wore was a pair of short leggings and her bra that I was sure wouldn't keep her warm.

"Come on, lets get below the covers before we catch our death." I nudged her backwards, into me a little and tried to keep my voice light. She was still upset with how I had went off at her and I was truly beginning to hate myself for ever opening my damn mouth.

Crawling under the covers I tucked them up around her, below her chin and I had to laugh at her bump being so obvious below the covers now. I was sure the baby had grown from only two days ago.

She fought her arms out from under he covers as I got in beside her. Placing her hands on her belly she rubbed them around the top of the covers before grabbing hold of my hand and placing it on top of our little bump. The baby was kicking and they were kicking hard. I was a little surprised at the change of intensity, usually you would only feel a small movement, but this, this was kicking.

Wrapping my arms around Bella's waist, I pulled her back into me again, feeling her warm up in my arms. "I think she's going to be a football player." I told her with a small smile.

I was still convinced we were having a girl and I hoped she was just going to be like Bella. Bella was a little undecided on the whole thing and was happy with a boy or a girl. I didn't know if she liked the idea of a boy similar to me but had been to afraid to tell me, knowing I would hate the idea that she would ever wish for some one like me.

I wouldn't hate them if that's how they were, but for her to wish they would be like me...I didn't really like myself too much because of my condition and I would hate for them to feel as confused as I did.

"What do you want?" I asked seriously. She must have some opinion, some side she was leaning more to than the other.

"A corn dog with fries." she told me without missing a beat. I laughed because if was clear from the look on her face, she knew exactly what I was asking.

"Funny. But seriously, do you want a boy or a girl?" I let my hand reach for the ends of her hair, playing with her soft waves.

"I really don't care if they're a boy or a girl. A boy just like you would be great but a little girl just like you would be great too."

"I want a girl, just like you. I...I want..." I sighed struggling with my words.

Bella turned around facing me, palming my cheek. "I know what you want...or what you don't want, to be more exact. But that isn't you choice to make. They wont be loved any less if they have the AIP."

I nodded knowing she was right. I never felt that I was loved any less because of my condition and I knew if Bella could love me, she would definitely love them, especially after the battle we had to get to this stage.

She let out a small laugh, thinking to herself. "Can you believe in three months we will have a little baby completely depending on us. Kinda scary, isn't it?"

Looking into her big brown eyes, I never felt scared at all, not in this moment. As long as I had Bella with me, I felt like I could take on anything.

"Kinda scary." I agreed to her, so not for her to worry it was only her with the fears. I did have them, just right now I struggled to remember what they were.

It was obvious though. She had fears because she would depend on me, and I couldn't guarantee I would always be there for her, not just now, not just yet, in this time of my life. But I had her and she was always there, always so constant and always so strong.

Moving into me, she rested her head against my chest. I could feel a few strands of her brown hair graze along the surface of my skin sending it tingling.

"How come your home so early?" a breath of air rushed out from her lungs.

"I asked if I could leave early." I shrugged, defeated "I missed my wife."

"Does she know you're here?" she joked.

"She does..." shuffling down the bed to meet her eyes, I reached her lips, quickly kissing them "she thinks I'm a complete ass though."

"Maybe not a complete one..." she argued or corrected, I wasn't exactly sure.

"Well, I have until Thursday morning to fix that." I was going to make our time together something good. My father had been right. We needed to spend time with one another before the baby go here.

"You don't go back to work until Thursday?" her tone of voice climbing about a dozen octaves.

I laughed at the change of expression on her face, she just seemed to glow at my words. "My dad said I was to take it off and we were to spend some time together. After I asked him if I could get away early he said to come back in on Thursday, that they would cope without me." I still couldn't believe he had just given me the time off after I had gave him no warning. Maybe he had thought I would come to him and ask him.

Bella only smiled as she pulled herself into me even more, our whole fight, seemingly forgotten about.

This was what it was all about. Being with them and enjoying them when you're able.

"So what do you want to do?" I knew we should spend our time wisely but also we needed just to have some time together, to do something special.

She chewed down on her lip and I released it in my normal manor then reaching down I kissed her again as she thought.

"So...?" I pushed for an answer.

"What about taking care of the nursery. I have already made a start, you can get the high bits – you probably won't even need the ladder. And it's being collected tomorrow evening." she shrugged with a small sheepish grin on her face.

"You know, when I thought honeymoon, I thought hot sex and baths together. Not painting and decorating."

"So...that's a yes?" she asked a little worried, as if she thought I would turn her down. I could never turn down Bella Swan, or should I say Bella Cullen. The two main things _I_ had spent my life avoiding with her, well she had won her case and I was the better and happier for it. Married and about to be a father.

"Yes, of course. Whatever you want, you get." I promised her.

"Please don't say it like that, I sound like a spoiled brat. I sound like you." with her words she rose her eyebrow and you could see the wicked playful glint in her eye.

Climbing over her legs, I tried to be careful of having her below me, but I still wanted her. _God I wanted her._

She lay there with this innocent look on her face with only her bra visible, her leggings hiding below her bump.

I didn't want to have her, I just needed her. I needed to be with her and just be together.

We had got to this place after jumping issue after issue, and even though I knew they were my fault more than anything else, I couldn't seem to stop them.

Lunging forward into her, I quickly stopped myself just short of squashing her and I could hear her laugh in my ear as I burred my face into her neck, all the while being swamped with her hair and her fragrance.

I felt her hands rest on my bare sides, she was trying to hold me close and subconsciously support me so I wouldn't put my weight on her at the same time. It was the exact opposite of how she would pull me in close and wrap her arms around me so tight, I was forced to rest my weight onto her.

Her fingers played at my side, tickling me ever so lightly. I wasn't really ticklish at all, Bella would say I was like stone in reference to her tickling me. Bella on the other hand, she was in fits of hysterics as the smallest attempts. I had her on the floor many times over the years begging me to stop as she tried to breath. As soon as I stopped, she would retaliate and get no where except back on her back, once again in hysterics, begging from me to stop.

I saw her fingers as a challenge. Letting my right hand slide down her side, I began to tickle her, a loud shriek coming from her lungs.

She buckled under me, almost balling up trying to get away all the time laughing. "Stop, stop, stop." I ignored her pleas as I heard her breath getting shallower and shallower. "Please."

"No, its your punishment." I joked about as she balled up on to her side.

"What about the baby, it must be bad for the baby." could tell in even her breathless state she didn't believe her own words.

"I she'll live. Providing she's not as ticklish as you when she born."

She tried to get away, struggling to get up with her bodies own natural reactions to my hands and with her bump stopping her quite considerably now.

She turned on her front, lifting her bottom right up to me in the action as she tried to stable her self on all fours but failing miserably when I put her off, I bit down on her peachy ass that was still covered with her leggings.

She let out a small scream and tried to strike me as she managed to get up on her knees, resting on her heels.

She had enough, she was exhausted and completely out of breath but I still couldn't help but laugh at her tries and her struggles with her baby bump. It was a little bit wrong but a little funny at the same time.

I pulled her back into my chest, wrapping an arm around her waist as I waited for her to regain her composure.

"You're an ass you know that." she spat, only half serious I hoped.

"You _have _a great ass." I fired back, biting into the air down by the side of her face so she could see me.

A heavy hand came down and slapped me hard on the thigh as she rests back in to me a little more, her breath beginning to even out again.

She rested the back of her head on my shoulder as I let the pad of my thumb stroke her belly. She let out a laugh from no where and I looked at her, waiting for her to explain.

She only shook her head as if it was nothing before she began to speak. "It's good to laugh. It feels like forever since...since, I don't know, since you even tickled me." she closed her eyes but there was still a smile playing on her lips.

"I know what you mean, but it's going to get better. From now on in, it's going to be better." I would promise her my life if she would believe me, and I was sure she did. "We will be normal soon..." I couldn't help but feel a small pang of disappointment that I had made this life so difficult for her, that she just didn't get to have it so easy.

Her eyes opened up and she pulled away from me, instantly I wanted her there again.

She reached forward, cupping my face and stroking my cheek with her thumb. "It is normal, you are normal, I really wish you would see this for what it is and not what you think it is..." she sighed off into the air.

I felt crap knowing I had turned it sour once again. I just seemed to have that effect.

"We had a bad patch, we worked through it, we _got_ though it. People have these hard times, not just me and you, just because you have your AIP doesn't mean its only you that is restricted to feeling down and depressed, or even losing it. Everyone else does it too, not just you. You'll see, just wait ." She had that 'sure of her self' aura around her, the one that freaked me out because it usually meant that she was right. I knew other people got down and that, I saw patients like that at the hospital all the time. But they weren't me and they didn't have AIP, they would have it differently.

Kissing me quickly, she got off of the bed and reached down for the shirt she had been wearing and placed it back on.

"Come on, Cullen, get changed, it's time to paint." she ordered practically singing.

Jumping off of the bed, "Right behind you, Cullen." I reached forward and smacked her bottom as she giggled and I stripped of my trousers, getting ready to paint our baby's nursery.

* * *

_**a/n: I have a request – I need a beta to go through the full of HOTRS and help me work on it – I want to get it on other sites where I know it will be safe and not deleted so I need a beta and preferably an American or Canadian so they can change my "English" English into "American" English. All of these sites seem to hate the fact I actually use proper English instead of Americanized words. **_

_**If you can help me out, that would be so great. **_

_**Ohh also – please, if you haven't already, check out my newer story "The Saint's are Coming". Though I do plan to pay more attention to this for the time being as we are nearing the end. I know sad times, but I will be back with the odd one shot and deleted scene from it if you still cant quite part with my Edward. I know I cant. And you cant make me!! lol**_


	25. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

**Four weeks Later**

**BPOV**

Fighting with the lock on the front door, I finally managed to get it open while practically falling over my own feet at the same time.

I had been gone for two days on a visit to my writer to discuss chapters and what not, and generally just trying to tidy it all up before I was unable to fly.

"Edward." I called on him, the sound of my voice travelling up the empty hall. I was sure he would have been back in by now. It was almost nine and I had expected him to be in from work at this time.

I wheeled in my little case through the door and closed it behind me. Walking through the apartment I made my way into the living room to find Edward laying out on the couch sleeping. The television was on and the room was in darkness so I turned on a lamp and switched off the television before I sat down on the Edge of the couch, gently wakening Edward. I didn't want to waken him, he looked so peaceful but he would have slept better in bed.

Reaching down to him, I kissed his lips gently "Hey, handsome." I whispered out into his ear as I began to feel him move.

"Humm." was all he let out as he shifted a little more and falling back to sleep.

Laughing I nudged him a little harsher this time "I said, hey, handsome." I told him a little louder this time.

He woke up, his eyes fluttering open to me and giving me a small smile as he stretched out.

"Hey." he gave back, his tone soft and quiet.

"Miss me?" I challenged him with narrowed eyes, trying not to smile.

"Always." He told me like I knew he would.

I kissed him quickly on the lips before I got back up from my seat, with a little bit difficulty, and began to give Edward the low down on the guy who he thought was "a total ass". To be fair, I think if Edward was to actually meet him, he would think even less of him.

I had made myself some decaf and called out to him from the kitchen but when I got back to him, I was sure my heart stopped.

He looked so much whiter than I had noticed, his eyes were empty too and all he did was look into the wall in front of him. It was only then that realized I had been ranting to Edward so much about Stephen, my writer, that I hadn't even realized he had not said a word back to me.

Walking up to him, I cupped his cheek, pulling his face to mine. "Are you okay?" I asked gently. It had me worried but I didn't want to upset him.

He only gave a small nod before asking "why?".

"You just look a little white." I didn't want to point out that he hadn't spoke, perhaps he was tried and I was over analysing things. "Have you eaten?" I asked gently once more, hoping not to seem like I was being pushy.

His eyes glanced to the clock and the smile he was trying to make, disappeared. "Shit, no, I'm sorry. Bella." he seemed worried, panicked. "I...I just....I..."

"Fell asleep..." I finished his words off for him. He was stuttering and thought he could be at times a little more subdued, this, right now, had me worried.

"Yeh." he crooked out looking a little ashamed of himself. "I'll make something right now." he promised, but he never made any attempt at moving.

"I'll make you something." I told him.

He began to shift forward in his seat, an attempt to start moving but he still never stood. "No, I'll get it. You are only just back."

I pushed on his shoulders, placing him back into the seat and looked down at him suspiciously.

Running my fingers through his hair, he seemed to relish the contact. I wondered if he had worried about me. It was the first time we had been apart like that since we were married and perhaps he worried himself too much and it had taken it out of him.

"Have you been sick?" I asked. He was often sick but it had decreased since he began with the antidepressants.

"Yes." he gave out meekly. It tore into me hearing him like that. He wasn't just quiet, he was something else.

He was ghost white, had been sick and seemed as if he was...I don't know, not out of it, but he definitely wasn't with me, not truly. He seemed almost down.

I left him on the couch as I went to his jacket pocket that was hanging in the hall, and picked out his medication for his attacks. I made my way back to him pouring one into my hand and offering it to him.

"I don't need one of those." he told me with no tone behind his words as his eyes fluttered.

"I think you do, take one." I practically begged. I was sure there was an attack on the way.

"I'm not having an attack, Bella." he huffed a little at the end but even that had no real breath behind it.

"I think you will." I told him waving the little white pill in front of him once more.

"It's...I'm..,I'm just tired." he looked more than tired, he was completely worn out.

"Edward, just take it, it will settle my mind and it wont do you any harm." I knew he didn't like taking his medication if he didn't need to but it had led him to more than a few close calls over the years. He was done in and hadn't eaten. Something was clearly wrong.

He took it out my hand. "Water." he demand, yet there was no real demand, not in his tone at least, all that was in his tone was tiredness.

I walked through to the kitchen and reached for a bottle of water out of the fridge and walked back through to him, giving him the bottle.

He took the pill without compliant but I was still worried. I pulled on his arms and he knew instantly I was taking him to bed. He stood up silently and pulled me into his side as we walked and he kissed the top of my head.

"I love you." was all he said, his voice still so quiet and tired.

Reaching our bed room I began to unbutton his shirt and it felt good to be there for him like this. At the time of his last attack he seemed so tense and wanted me away from him, right now he was letting me close and treating him as if he was ill and he was accepting it.

Unbuttoning his pants, I let them fall to the floor as he kicked them away, all the while he held onto my arms. I could see he wasn't as steady on his feet as he should have been.

"You know, maybe you should have the day off tomorrow?" I asked with some hope that he would see that something was amiss and agree.

He sighed, like I knew he would and he hit the mattress below him like lead. "Okay." was all he said.

This was Edward, but I just wasn't sure what exact version of him I was getting.

I looked him up and down with a little apprehension at leaving him for even a moment but I had to make sure he had something to eat.

I he lay out on our bed and I looked back at him with a little concern. I wasn't sure if I should call his father or what. I only wanted to know that he was going to be okay.

I made him a quick sandwich and he managed to a small laugh as I watched him eat it. He never ate it all though and that worried me more, so I made him eat a heavy chocolate bar loaded with caramel and nuts knowing it would be enough to keep him okay through the night.

I lay on my side as I watched his jaw flex away as he chewed on the last bite. I felt satisfied that it should be enough to keep him going until breakfast and that it possibly would stave off any attack along with his medication.

"I'm fine, Bella." he told me again for the third time since I came back with his sandwich. I hadn't even asked him if he was okay but he could obviously tell with the look on my face.

"Are you really though?" I couldn't help but feel some doubt as I looked at him, the look on his face was the exact opposite of what he was saying.

"Really." he told me with some firmness to his voice, and I was glad to her it. Not his words but his assertiveness showing through, if only a little.

He balled up the wrapper of the chocolate bar in his hands before resting it on the bedside table and turning his attention back to me.

He still looked so white though. I knew that he was pale, his skin I think would struggle to get any whiter. But it was the unhealthy tinge that gave it a tone of something else.

He wriggled across to me, placing his hand on my bump and reached in for a small kiss on my lips.

"I really did miss you, you know. It felt strange not having my wife in bed with me." He joked about, it was the first time we had slept alone since the wedding and I didn't like it. I missed him too much.

"Well, I'm home now, and I'm here to take care of you." There was clearly something off with him and he was either trying to play blind to it or he didn't want to worry me.

He only scoffed at my words of course. "I'm not an invalid." he quipped back but he really meant no harm in his words or his dry tone.

"I know, but you're just a little off colour." I shrugged, defending myself. "It's okay to admit to just having an off day." We all had them but Edward would never lay down to them, he usually let depression or anxiety swamp him before he could ever just try to lay down and rest properly.

"I feel fine..." he huffed again. "I'm just a little tired.". Finally some truth. It was like getting blood out of a stone to get him to admit even things like that at times.

"Well, we can have an early night." I knew I was exhausted from my travelling, all really wanted to do was cuddle into Edward in bed.

"Sounds good to me." he agreed.

I changed into one of Edward's old t-shirts, the material taught across my stomach, Climbing into bed, Edward rested his head into my chest as he placed a protective hand over our bump.

That was it, without rhyme or reason, we fell asleep and there was nothing else from Edward, no attack, nothing.

Wakening up in the morning I felt his hands stroke along the backs of my thighs and his lips on my stomach.

I let out of pleasurable groan at the sensation and I didn't want him to ever stop touching me.

"You're awake." he pointed out as he squeezed at my thighs.

"Just." I replied. "You know that could be seen as taking advantage, I have no underwear on and here you are pulling up my t-shirt as I sleep." I teased.

"First of all; It's my t shirt, and second; I really don't give a damn. I'm enjoying the view. I can at least go to my prison cell happy..." he reached down placing a small kiss on the inside of my thigh. "If that's what you want."

I couldn't help give out a groan at the kiss and his warm breath blowing down on me. "I know what I want." I accidentally mumbled out, aroused by his touch.

He let out a laugh at that and I tried to change the topic.

"I thought you weren't well?" I sat up on my elbows, finding him between my legs.

"I felt tired – I slept, I feel fine now. But I did take the day off." Giving out a smarmy grin, I knew he was fine, that whatever was over him had gone.

Instantly his head went between my legs and straight to my core. My arms weakened at the touch out his tongue and I my hold on my elbows broke, with my back hitting back down on to the mattress below me.

I had the feeling that Edward was more than just fine.

* * *

Strolling through the shop I held on to his hand, swinging it between us. After my very, very explosive morning wake up call from Edward I was feeling more than just fine myself.

"What?" he asked me, unable to take his own smile off of his face. I was looking up at him tentatively wondering just how good he was.

Last night had been strange. But all he said was that he felt tired and after a good sleep he seemed to be reinvigorated so I accepted it as what it was. I reigned in any crazy thoughts that he would explode or that he would come crashing down, and I just enjoyed the moment we were in.

"Nothing, I was merely looking up at my husband." I shrugged. "That smile on your face is huge." I laughed as it only got bigger at my words.

"Yeh, well, you put it there." pulling up to him even closer I reached up kissing his shoulder over his jacket. I knew I was blushing but I tried to ignore it.

Pulling me off to the side of the isle. "What about this. This is cute." He asked as he lifted up yet more baby clothes."

It was cute. It was a little white dress with pink ribbon surrounding the edges. Totally impractical for a baby but cute none the less.

"It's nice, but we we already have things like that." We had a million things already like that with Edward and his mad spending. "Besides, we don't know if its a girl." Again, we still didn't know what we were having, but Edward was convinced it was a girl.

He huffed as he put it back, knowing he would lose on this one, this time. We had just too many clothes for either sex already, we didn't need it, not just yet anyway.

Pulling out a list of things we did need I got started at the top of the list. "Okay, we need to get a diaper genie."

Edwards brows furrowed together in confusion. "What the hell is that?"

Truth was, I couldn't answer him. "I don't know, but it was on the list of things from Alice."

He scoffed instantly at his sisters name "Alice, you got a list off of Alice? She's worse than me."

Didn't I know it. "I know, but she wrote an _'important'_ list, things we will definitely need." I shrugged as I passed him the list.

"Fuck." he yelped out and I instantly shushed him with a laugh and my hand reaching up to his mouth.

We got some glances from others in the shop, and a few daggers from mothers with there children, no doubt learning new words.

"Shush." I told him again before I removed my hand from his mouth. "What is it?" What from the list had made him act like that.

"Moses basket. How could I be so stupid and not even have a Moses basket, Bella?" He huffed to himself.

"Calm down, that's why we have the list." I reminded him.

"I know, but after everything I went around buying, I never even thought about what they would sleep in. We had the crib..." he trailed off.

"Exactly." I ran my fingers through his hair as he pulled me in closer to him. "We have had enough going on and sorting out the past few months. Its only a Moses basket." I shrugged but I could still see the tension in Edward.

"It's not only a Moses basket, its me forgetting about my baby, not thinking, not seeing that far ahead." His tone was panicking and I didn't know why it seemed to happen now.

"Edward, calm down. What is this about, a basket or something else? Are you okay." I tried to keep my voice as soft as possible trying to calm him.

"I...I see them all the time at my work, why didn't I think about them for my own baby. I have been worried about them having AIP that I haven't even thought about the fact that this baby will rely on me, that I have to remember to get them Moses baskets and to be there for them, for them to depend on me." he rushed the words out so quick, I was astonished.

I knew he was worried about his condition being passed along but I had no idea that he hadn't really though about looking after them. I assumed his cool composure was because he was a doctor and the though he would cope fine.

"Look at me," I demanded, his green eyes focusing back on mine. "...you're fine. You're going to be great." You could see the small brief flash of realization cross his face. _He was going to be a father._

"I...I've worried about you and the baby, but I..." he sighed so beep. "I just never thought of it like that really. I mean I had...It's..." he sighed again, closing his eyes in frustration. "It's never just hit me like that before."

I reached up to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and smoothing down the back of his hair trying to sooth him. "You are going to be great. You're condition has almost passed you and you are going to be there and you are going to be able to enjoy it all."

His arms wrapped around my back as he slumped forward into me. He was beginning to relax and I found it so strange with all we had been through that it was yet to hit him like this.

A kind face from the crowd gave a knowing smile to me as she pulled her little girl through the crowd and walked past me.

_This was normal._

Edward pulled away from me, trying to hide his worry, trying to pretend it never happened.

I pulled at the sides of his jacket, pulling them towards one another as I looked up into his eyes once again. "Are you okay?" I asked carefully.

"You mean, apart from having a public break down and being a total Idiot? Yes. I'm fine." A small smile played on his lips, it was his own but I could still see the nervous tension run through across his mouth.

"You're not an idiot. If you want we can leave this till another day." I shrugged. I wasn't to bothered what we done, as long as I spent the day with Edward.

"No, I'm fine. Really. Just a little slap from reality." he shook his head at his own mind only just realizing. "I'm getting that damn Moses basket now, we don't leave this place till we have one." he joked. I think.

I took a step forward and realized that Edward was back in his own little world, thinking and not moving. "Edward?" I called on him, trying to snap him back to me.

His head jerked up to my face instantly and a wide smile crossed his features. "I'm going to be a dad." he took a step towards me, smiling. "There will be me and there will be you and there will be this tiny baby and it will need everything off of us..." his words trailed off again and I didn't know he was depressed or delirious with joy.

"I'm going to be okay for this." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. One that he truly believed in.

Of all the places to have an epiphany, Edward had to pick a baby store.

I smiled up at him and nodded. He was going to be good for this. His condition would be gone sooner rather than later and there would only be a small overlap in time when the baby would be here and before his condition would be gone.

* * *

Resting the pale wicker in to the pine stand, the Moses basket stood, and utterly gorgeous.

It was the last thing to be taken care of in the nursery and I couldn't believe we were organised for the baby arriving.

"It looks not to bad if I do say." I mocked huffed. I had saw another one but Edward like this one and after his little revelation to himself, I let him have it. It was the least he deserved.

He only gave a small laugh, knowing too well my fondness for the other one but it was me who had told him to get the one he preferred.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his hands on my bulging belly, before kissing down on the back of my head as he pulled my back into his chest.

It had been a great day.

Looking at the little cover that sat on the basket I couldn't help but just wish the baby was here already. It was like waiting for Christmas.

"How are you feeling now?" I asked Edward like I had asked him half a dozen times already since we had got back home.

"Fantastic." he told me with his tone, nothing but sure.

"Good." I let my hands rest on top of his as I felt myself getting pulled back into him that little bit more. "You did good, you know?" I reassured him. When It had hit me I wish I had been as calm as he had been.

"That's because I had you." he was so sweet. Leaning down, he kissed my shoulder and I knew it was all going to be fine.

_All of it._

_Everything._

"I...I've been thinking about names." I told him. We had thought about names, a few mentions but we had never really got into it properly or discussed what the other thought.

"I...I was thinking for a boy, Masen. Spelt you're way, not the first name way." I chewed down on my lip as I turned round to face him.

"I know you have your fathers name, but that you would hate to call him Edward but this way you still can. You can keep that little bit of him."

His face changed and I didn't know if he was thinking about it because he loved or loathed the idea.

"Edward..?" I pulled at his chin, bringing his eyes back down to mine.

"What if there a girl? What if she's a girl, just like you?" He asked a little to sharply.

"Don't take that tone," I warned. "If she's a girl, I thought about calling her Elizabeth." I told him cocking an eyebrow.

"I'm not taking any tone, I just don't know if I want to keep a bit of him. He's my birth father, Carlisle is my dad." he looked upset but I didn't know what had caused it.

I felt so confused, he loved his father. He knew little of him and only had a handful of photographs of his parents as a reminder to the life before he was adopted but he never spoke ill about them before.

I pushed him back, into the new rocking chair and sat him down as I looked at him.

"What's the matter, I thought you would love it." I had been so sure he would have.

"He gave me this, this condition," he stuttered his words out and I knew he was having difficulty so I let him take his time. He leaned forward resting his elbows on his kneed and I dropped to my knees in front of him, beginning to comb his hair back out from his face.

"I'm not going to know if they will look like them. I won't have those jokes that you can have with Renee and Charlie. They won't look like my mum and dad, I don't even get to know if they will look like ghosts."

I knew there was always that burning question in the back of Edwards head, what his father was like, how he coped with the condition and how he coped when it had left him. He had so many questions and they couldn't be answered. Carlisle tried his hardest to come up with what Edward needed to know but he never would truly understand like Edwards birth father would have. This wasn't just about how they would have looked, though I never expected Edward to react like this at the fact that they weren't here.

"We have pictures, we know that you looked like your mother, that Alice and Emmett looked like your father. We know your big head is defiantly your fathers trait." I tried to lighten the tone a little and it worked, I got a little snigger from Edward.

"I know the real questions you want to ask, and I know you can't and that it's so unfair. But you have those answers now. If they have your condition you are here and you will help them. You are not leaving me ever. You promised me eternity and I swear to god if you leave me here too soon, I'll come charging into that next life and beat you."

he laughed at my words, his sweet breath blowing out onto my face. Reaching forward I kissed him firmly. Pulling back from him I could see his eyes, all green and glassy.

"How do you know me so well, Love?" he croak out.

I shrugged. "Ah, I was a mind reader in a previous life." He let out another little laugh at that one and I felt some joy rise in me that this wouldn't pull him down.

"I love you so much." and I could hear his words coming pouring out from his heart, and I knew he did.

* * *

"So, Masen, if he's a boy, Elisabeth, if she's a girl?" Edward smiled down at me, my head resting in the crook of his arm.

"Yep." I popped my p just to show my point.

"And you're sure..?" He challenged.

"Yep." I popped my p once again, Edward only rolling his eyes at me with a smile dancing across his lips.

We had worked our way down to the floor of the nursery, looking up at the delicate detail that we had painted up there. Well, that Edward had painted at least. I was only glad we had a stencil because with Edwards craft for paint, we would have been doomed. He wasn't really much of an artist. Ask him to play a musical instrument, that was fine. Paint a wall, that was a whole other level.

"You know, I could call Chelsea tomorrow and ask her to look out your file to decide if there Masen or Elizabeth." He shrugged.

"Don't you dare. It's a surprise. We don't find out until there born."

"Suit yourself. I know it's a girl anyway." He was so damn cocky and sure of himself.

"I say it's a boy. I just know, its a feeling I have."

"It's a girl," he argued with a laugh; "I know these things, I'm a doctor." he said so deadpan.

I laughed at his words "I say it's a boy, I'm the one having them. Call it, mothers intuition." I shrugged feeling a little smart of myself.

"Yeh, yeh." he sighed contently as he pulled me in to him closer, gently pulling at my chin, looking me in the eyes. "Whatever they are, we will love them to bits."

It was true, I knew it was. I didn't care if it was a boy or a girl or if they had the AIP or not because I would love them and take care of them through everything.

"Just a good thing I got the little Bella shoes in black, just like yours. Least if they are a boy, he can still wear them."

"Where are they? I haven't saw them for a while." They had sat out in our room for so long but they had disappeared and I had yet to ask Edward what he had done with them.

"There in our closet, I packed some stuff away for the baby and bought you a few things that you will need to go in alongside it for when you are in hospital." Trust Edward to have that all sorted. "You need to put in what you would like to wear though, for coming back home. I thought I would leave that one up to you."

I laughed, how could he remember to do all that and not remember a Moses basket. I was completely perplexed by that one.

"You know, this floor is making my back feel so much batter after today." my back had began to start giving me hell and traipsing through the shops today had just made it even worse.

"A couple more months, Love. I know it must be hard going, but you are doing great. You're blood pressure had dropped last time we saw Chelsea. That's good." He was trying to reassure me that it was all good, and I knew it was, sore backs and everything else that went along with it was just part of the norm. I just had to put up with it a little longer.

"Here, lie on your side for me." he ordered as he pushed at my shoulder, gently pushing me away from him.

I did as I was instructed and I felt him pull up my top. I sat up a little, realizing he wanted it off. Unclasping my bra for me, I felt the material slide forward, so I threaded myself out of it before lying back down on my side once more.

I felt his hands in at the bottom of my back and I could have melted from the touch.

His fingers needed at my skin at the muscles and I could feel myself relax in his touch. The firm but gentle pressure lasted a good five minutes before he word his way up my back, pushing me forward slightly he pressed at the bottom of my neck as I felt the tension dissipate.

I was ready for sleeping and I didn't want to move.

As I lay there topless, Edward reached into one of the little cupboards, lifting out a baby blanket and wrapped it around my torso keeping me warm. Moving back behind me he moulded himself around me, his had instinctively resting on my stomach once again.

I could feel his fingers comb through my hair, stroking across my scalp. It had been the most comfortable I had felt in the past two months.

He never spoke and neither did I. There wasn't any need to.

Laying there with Edward wrapped around me, keeping me warm, I fell asleep.

* * *

_**a/n: Please Review – they make my day.**_

_**still sorry that these aren't coming out as fast. I'm not well and keep needing to sleep. But we are getting near to the end of the story and I'm struggling a little more to get it all tidied up. I will try to UD as soon as I can, as always.**_

_**Oh Also – there is a vote for what story you prefer – HOTRS or BB – Please vote and let me know. It will be good for any future stories I write.**_

_**xx**_


	26. Chapter 25

_**Sorry it's late - it was my bday so my weeked is kinda a blur! **_

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

**Chapter 25**

**EPOV**

**Five weeks later**

Cracking my neck, I watched the clock, counting down the minutes until I could go home. I was done in with Bella struggling to get comfortable at night. She was always trying to roll around, make herself comfortable but nothing seemed to be working for her. She just looked so tired all the time. I was at least thankful that she would often fall asleep with out actually intending to, during the day. It meant at least she got some rest.

"Dr Cullen, there is a girl in trauma six. Gash to the forehead. She slipped on ice." one of the nurses spoke as she crashed the chart into my chest. I was driving everyone else in the ER department crazy with my snappy behaviour and I couldn't really blame her for being as short with me. I was just so tired.

"Okay, no problem, I'm on it." I tired to be a nice as possible, trying to mend my ways. She only looked up at me a little in shock and gave a small smile back, silently apologizing for being as snappy with me, as I had deserved.

Walking into the room, my eyes landed on a small petite girl. I would always remember her, she reminded me so much like Bella. "Rachel?" I asked trying to remember her name before I remembered I actually had her chart in front of me and that I had guessed her name correctly.

"Dr...." She looked up at me a little expectant before glancing at my identity badge. "Cullen." she nodded to herself with a little sure smile on her face. "I remember you." she seemed to light up a little.

"I remember you, too." She hadn't changed from the last time I had saw her. "So still falling about the place I see?" I joked as I walked up to her, inspecting her forehead.

She blushed as I gently cradled her face in my hands, looking closer at her wound.

"I know. Thought I do have the ice to blame this time." she smiled again, a smile of triumph that her fall wasn't entirely her own fault.

"Will I have a scar?" her face changed a little at the question, as if she would be marred for life because of the fall.

"It's not too bad. Some paper stitches should hold it and that should keep it from becoming too visible, you will have a little scar, nothing that will be to obvious or can't be hidden up with a little make up." It really would only be a little line. She was pretty lucky.

She only nodded at my words as I stepped back and she relaxed back down onto the bed.

"Is anyone with you? Do you want me to call someone?" I checked to make sure she was as comfortable as possible. I remembered her semi-absent friend from last time and hoped she had her with her.

"No, its fine. I have my boyfriend with me." she blushed again, at her own words. "He'll be right back. He needed to use the bathroom." I only nodded at her words before I began to look out the material I would need to fix her wound, searching through the little portable cabinet that had been left for me, knowing it would have been needed.

Sitting down on a stool, I perched myself in front of her as I sorted through some iodine to sterilize the cut.

"So...you're boyfriend? Is he new?" I asked wondering if her life had changed as much as mine since the last time I had spoke to her. When I had fixed her up last time, I didn't know I was going to be a father and I wasn't married.

She giggled nervously as I reached for her face with some iodine soaked cotton wool. "Yeh, its all pretty new. But it's good. I met him about five months ago. It was kinda slow..." she shrugged as she gave that nervous little laugh again.

"Sorry, am I embarrassing you?" I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or have me freak her out, her thinking I was some weirdo.

"Na, it's fine. It's..." she sighed a little. "I like him...like a lot. I just don't want to jinx it." Her face was serious and I hoped that she was happy and he made her feel like how Bella had made me feel.

I laughed a little. "I understand. Just make sure he treats you right." I half joked with her, hoping she would listen to my words.

"You? Do you still have that lucky girlfriend?" she asked and I was amazed that she could remember that from our conversation from last time.

"No, not any more." her face dropped at my words but I quickly rushed to correct myself. "She's my wife now." I knew I had that ridiculous grin on my face again and Rachel shuffled up the bed, eyeing me.

"And...?" she gasped out.

I laughed at the look on her face, as if I had some piece of hot gossip she was desperate for, the one Bella would wear when talking to Rose or Alice.

"And...it's great. We're having a baby too." I rose my brows as her face looked even more surprised.

"Someone's been busy." she mumbled to herself but I laughed hard at her words.

"So how did you propose?" she asked as if she was on the edge of her seat and I cringed at myself and all the times I screwed it up.

"What time?" I asked with a laugh.

"What? She said no?" Her mouth was gaping at my words.

"Well...yeh." I shifted on the stool feeling a little uncomfortable at being so completely honest to a patient. We weren't really supposed to give out details like this.

"I messed up...bad." I sighed a little as I pulled at the first paper stitch off of the sheet. "But I managed to right my wrongs."

One of the nurses came into the room in that moment, and our conversation stilled.

"Dr Cullen, there has been a pile up on the interstate, we're closest. First chopper is coming in." I knew what that meant. I wasn't getting home, not for a good few hours yet.

"How many cars?" I asked, needing to know the number that was expected.

"Eight cars, twenty casualties. All residents have been called to help out." I definitely wasn't getting away any time soon now. Twenty patients. It was going to be a nightmare.

"Can county not take some?" I groaned.

"Don't ask me, I'm only the messenger." She shrugged before swiftly leaving the room.

"That's a lot of people to fix up." Rachel spoke, like I didn't already know.

"I know. But I'll try and get you out the door before they get here. If not you could be waiting a while and there is no point. You're good to go." placing the last stitch across her head she was fine. No other tests had been done but it was only a superficial wound. She didn't need to be put through all of that.

She sat up as a boy, who I assumed to be her boyfriend came in. "Are you good to go? I heard a lot of noise out there. There has been a huge accident." He rushed his words out as he looked me up before looking at her wound. "You're head looks better." I moved out his way and his hand carefully stroked above her scar.

"Come back in four days and I'll check out your head, you can ask for me but if I'm up on a ward one of the other doctors will take care of it for you." I told her as I signed off her chart.

I headed for the door as stopped for a moment of hesitance. "It was good to see you again, Rachel." looking at her boyfriend I reminded him to take good care of her.

He only laughed before speaking "I try to keep her on her feet, but sometimes she's too fast for her own good."

I nodded at his words, understanding him somewhat.

"See you around." With that I was back into the hall of the ER department.

I rushed over to the main desk, picking up the phone and calling home. It took a few rings before Bella finally answered and I wondered what took her so long.

"Hello?" Her voice called down the line to me.

"It's me. I'm gonna be late, there is a pile up and there all on there way here. Sorry." the words instantly rushed from my mouth knowing I didn't have long to talk.

"Oh. Yeh, alright. I'll see you later I guess." her voice sounded a little low compared to her normal sweet tone.

"Are you okay, Bella?" She sounded okay, I suppose. She was probably just a little disappointed that I would be home late and she would be tired, meaning we wouldn't see much of each other.

"Fine." she promised, but I knew it was a lie. Fine in Bella's vocabulary meant she was anything but. The only thing was, she didn't even realize her own give-away.

"Bella..."I pushed a little further.

"No, really, Edward. I am fine. My back is giving me bother again." She still struggled so much with back pain and I wasn't really surprised. Her tiny frame struggled to carry the weigh of our baby.

"I told you you should have stayed in bed today." She had a meeting with her boss and her writer. The were trying to get all the little things sorted before Bella went on maternity leave next week.

"Yeh, yeh." she mocked huffed and I knew she really was just feeling pain, that she wasn't having a too bad a day. "I'll see you later. I'll probability be in bed but wake me if I'm sleeping."

"Sure thing." I lied myself. I wasn't disturbing her if she had managed to fall asleep. She was needing all the rest she could get.

We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone.

Instantly the chart was pulled from my hand and protective paper scrubs were flung at me. "First casualty, woman, sever internal injuries. There not too sure she will make it. Called ahead for an OR."

I nodded taking in her words as I headed to the lift and up to the roof as I slipped on my paper overall before slipping on the pair of rubber gloves I had been handed.

Walking onto the roof, I was instantly blasted with a cold strong wind from the propellers of the helicopter as it touched down, landing on the roof.

Rushing to the side of the female casualty, I began to assess her and checking her over as the paramedic rattled off her injuries.

Within no time we were back down stairs and heading to the ER, stabilizing her somewhat before she was rushed to a specialist waiting for her in an operating room.

I pulled of my paper apron and gloves, only to instantly replace them with others as my next trauma came in through the door from an ambulance.

"Ruptured artery in the leg. Lot of blood loss. Heart rate decreased and became unresponsive." the paramedic spoke loudly as we wheeled him into the first available room.

"Call for blood. Ten units." I ordered without doubt. "The blood will pour out of him until we get it clamped." He was like a hose, the pressure had dropped but it only alerted me to know that this man was running out of blood and he was running out of it fast.

My finger pressed into the wound, slowing down the flow somewhat until they were able to get in and block it safely.

"Dr Cullen, your brother is on the phone." the nurse called out.

Trust Emmett to decide to call in the middle of a this. There was no way I was able to speak to him.

"Tell him I'll call him back." I snapped at the nurse as I tried to re-establish the patients blood pressure as the first unit began to fill into him.

"He said its kinda important." she told me.

My head snapped around looking at her, as if what I wasn't doing wasn't 'kinda important'. All she did was shrug and offer me the phone, my hands caught up in the nether region of some guy.

"Tell him, my finger is stuck in some guys leg trying to keep him alive. And it's kinda fucking important."

The look that washed across her face before I turned back to the patient was of total shock, no doubt at my words.

We're they taking the piss here?

I continued to work on the patient, finally able to stop the flow of blood from just poring right out of him.

Wheeling him away from me, the placed him in one of the recovery rooms with a nurse observing a few patients. Within no time there was another patient in front of me.

I was so tired and so fucking exhausted I felt like I was going to drop. It had been two and a half hours since I had called Bella and I felt it in every muscle of my body. It was agonizing.

Slipping one of my pills from my medication, I swallowed it down, dry. It stuck to my throat and I felt it shift down slowly and a little uncomfortably.

I didn't feel like there was an attack coming, but I knew it was better to be safe than sorry, especially if someone else's life was in your hands.

I moved to the next patient, helping all I could, diving in through the barge or nurses and specialists.

"Edward." I heard my name being called from the hall, from through the door.

Looking up, my eyes landed on Emmett's, on the other side of the window that filled the door.

It had been about an hour ago since had called me and seeing him in front of me, made my heart drop. What was so important that he had came to my work to get hold of me.

I pulled away from the patient, the sea of medical staff becoming a blur as I my eyes stayed trained to Emmett's form.

He waved me out, to go speak to him and I pulled off my third set of disposable scrubs and gloves before I slowly made it out to him.

I didn't know why I was so slow. Panic was racing through me at the speed of lightning, why were my feet feeling like they were bolted to the floor?

"Em...?" I croaked out his name, desperate for him to tell me something ridiculous, so I could kick his ass for scaring me like he did.

"It's Bella, the baby is on the way. We took her up to maternity. I told you it was important." He shrugged so bloody nonchalantly.

"Bella, she's here?" I was still having some difficulty with his words. She wasn't due for another three weeks yet.

"Yeh, come on. You need to go." Emmett demanded as he headed towards the lift.

"Dr Cullen, you're needed in trauma eight." Some voice called from behind me.

"He's having a baby. He needs to go." Emmett told them a little sharply.

One of the nurses stood there with her hands on her hips looking up at me so expectantly.

_Bella needed me. We were having our baby. _

Someone else needed me, too.

"Eddie, you go. I'll take care of this." My eyes looked up and landing on Felix.

I only nodded as I looked around at them all, all there eyes on me. Felix left, heading in the direction of trauma eight and I shouted a 'thanks' before rushing towards the lifts, grabbing hold of Emmett and pulling him along with me, both of us running the twenty odd feet.

The lift ran too slow. Standing there in front of it, it took so long. "Screw this." I told Emmett and I raced up the four flights of stairs with Emmett hot on my tail.

Breaking through the doors, leading from the stair well I rushed up the corridor, looking for Bella.

I heard Emmett laugh and before I knew it he had caught up with me and was pulling me back along the path I had just ran. "Other direction, Bro."

I only laughed with him as we raced through the corridor, as I let Emmett lead the way.

Pushing me through a door, I went crashing into Bella's room to find her pacing the floor and still dressed with Rose trying to calm her.

"Just don't start." she shouted at me instantly, so I didn't even bother opening my mouth. Her face was foul and she looked angry. She could scare the shit out of me with that face.

I finally found my balls and went rushing to her side, sweeping her hair out her face.

"Make it stop, Edward. It's too early." she began to break down in tears and I could see she was

scared and yes, she was early but we might not be able to stop it.

"We'll try to stop it, but if not we can still do this, okay?" I asked her softly.

"No." she yelled. "It's not meant to be like this. I have a meeting again tomorrow and we're still meant to have time because it's too early. It's not safe, something could happen to them." She practically howled the words at me as she gripped on to my hand, a contraction obviously sweeping through her.

She gripped harder and harder and her body seemed to begin to collapse into a pile as I did my best to keep her up and get her to her bed.

"Where is Chelsea?" I asked carefully, praying like hell that she wasn't bailing out on us when Bella needed her most.

"Um...She will be here soon. She is on her way." Rose told me as I rubbed at Bella's back.

"Can you leave us too it, guys. I'm gonna get her changed."

"I'm right here. And I'm not changing. Make it stop and I'll go home." I knew even if we did manage to stop it, it still wasn't going to be as easy as that.

Silently Rose and Emmett left the room without a word to either me or Bella.

"Bella, I'll see what we can do until Chelsea gets here but there is a good chance that they will be here soon." She gripped onto my blue scrubs, fisting the material in her hand.

"No, there not ready yet, its not time." she argued again.

"I know, okay, but they will be fine okay. Its three weeks early, it happens all the time." I tried my best to reassure her. It wasn't something completely uncommon, in fact it was the most common pregnancy complication. The baby would be born moderately premature, but there was a good chance that they would be fine.

I began to pull at the hem of her top before she slapped my hand away.

I groaned in pure frustration that not only was this going to be a long night, Bella was hell bent on doing things her way.

"Bella, I'm changing you right now so don't fuck about. I'm not in the mood to fight you on this when it's only the beginning. Keep your energy and just for once, do what I tell you to do." I snapped at her but I didn't mean it. It was me, my words but I knew she wouldn't listen to me if was to soft with her.

Bella was like brick wall at times. I knew I was going to need some good ammunition to make it through the night and the best weapon with her was to tell her how it was, how it really, really was.

Her arms hooked around my neck, placing all her weight onto me and I could feel her fisting her hands, as she caught some of my hair in the process.

"Please, make it stop. You're a doctor, you're meant to help people, Edward." with that she let out a roar as her head rested on my shoulder.

"Bella." I snapped at her, her face immediately looking up to mine. "You are going to be fine. Forget about it being too soon. There obviously wanting to come out and see you." I tried to be light hearted and get her to relax a little. High blood pressure right now wouldn't be good, it would already get high enough later. It didn't need to sky rocket before delivery and cause any more complications.

"No, there not ready. It's my fault. I should have come earlier." she sobbed again as I forced her to lie down on the bed.

"How is it you're fault?" How long had she been in labour for.

"I fell. I slipped on the damn ice with my high heels outside the office and I guess it started then." she shrugged as she bit down on her lip, hard.

"Jesus Christ, Bella, what were you doing with fucking heels on in the first place and why didn't you come to me, to the hospital. I called you, why didn't you tell me." Oh this woman was insane at times.

"I needed to look the part, Edward. I don't want them thinking that after I have my baby, I can't do my job." She huffed as she rolled on to her back, her eyes screwing shut.

"You listen to Alice way to damn much. It was a big enough risk you going out on that ice in the first place. Never mind with a pair of bloody high heels."

I began stripping her as she was determined to stay in her own clothes.

"When did you fall?" I asked, pulling her baggy joggers off of her legs. Actually, they were a pair of mine.

"About four." she mumbled out. That was almost five hours ago.

I didn't rant and tell her how crazy she was. I had given her enough of that already.

"Okay, Love, I want you to take this. It will help a little until we get an anaesthetist and get you an epidural." I combed at he hair, trying to sooth her as her pain seemed to dissolve a little as she inhaled the gas and air.

"Have your waters broke?" I asked carefully knowing if they had, the baby was in fact coming just now.

"Yes, that's when I called Rose. I know I shouldn't have called her, but Alice and Jasper wont be back until morning."

They were away to Texas, paying Jaspers parents a visit, knowing that they would be trying to be as helpful as possible to us when the baby got here and wanting to offer there time to us.

"Don't worry about Rose. She's fine." I promised her. "But the baby will be here if your water broke." she should know this, we had done it in those ridiculous pre-natal classes when I had to sit there like a douche, when I knew all along I would be a lot more useful in the delivery room than the rest of the guys that were made to go there.

"No..." she mumbled into the pillow, pulling her eyes away from me.

I stripped her of her top and the rest of her clothes before getting her into a gown. I tried to relax her as much as possible.

"Bella, take this." I offered her some more gas and air, hoping it would help her out a little.

She began to inhale it once more but she still rocked around the bed, restless.

"I want to stand." she groaned out, trying to get herself out of bed.

"Okay, you can do that." If it was going to help her feel better she could do it. I knew I had saw many expectant mothers do it before.

I helped her off of the bed, wrapping my arms around her, trying to make sure she never got the chance to crumple to the floor when her next contraction hit.

"How long is there in between the contractions?" we slowly walked the length of the room, Bella relaxing a little more again.

"I don't know, about five minutes." She seemed to whimper out the words as she tried to break from my contact and walk a little faster.

"I don't feel well, like I really don't feel well." I wasn't sure if it was just her labour or something else lurking, waiting to cause problems. "I'm going to be sick." Instantly I had grabbed hold of a little paper bowl, just in time as Bella started to throw up, while I did my best to keep hold of her.

She finished being sick and I let her rinse her mouth out before I got her up on her bed again.

I inspected her eyes as she told me she felt dizzy and was seeing dots. Fastening the blood pressure cuff to her, I checked she was doing okay. No nurse had been back in and I assumed that they had left me to it until Chelsea got here.

Her blood pressure was high again, too high for what it should have been at this moment so I refused to let her walk around again.

She took the gas and air and she said it was helping and she wasn't feeling as dizzy any more, which was good because I really didn't want her to have to get a caesarian section.

Another contraction came and went and after it, I shifted up on the bed beside Bella, holding her into me. She was beginning to flag a little already and she seemed to fall into a light sleep. I knew she was exhausted so I let her have the rest as I continued to try and keep her in peaceful state.

After a few minutes however, another contraction started and she woke up instantly, gripping hold of my scrubs again.

"Make it stop, Edward...Please...I can't do this anymore." the pain echoed through her as her head pushed firmly into my chest and I once again rubber her back.

"Do you know how good you are doing? You are making the rest of them look like drama queens." I tried to joke, ease her a little. But the truth was, she was doing incredible. She had yet to even see her doctor or an anaesthetist and she was working through it perfectly on her own.

She never ever realized how resilient she actually was.

Her pain seemed to subside once again and she pulled closer into me, crying. My heart broke for her but I was still proud.

"I love you, you know that?" I told her as I kissed her sweaty forehead. Watching her go through this just showed me how tough she really was. She was still so calm about it.

"Well I hate you, and were never having sex again." she nipped at me and I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"I'm serious. There fucking so clever attaching that pleasure to this pain. There is no warning." she huffed again.

"But you enjoyed it at the time..?" I asked carefully, teasing. All she did was glare back at me as if to tell me to no even go there, so I never. I kept my mouth closed on that point.

"Really, Love, you are doing good, but I'm going to see what the hold up is with the painkiller. You could do with it a little." she only nodded at my words.

She was petite and I knew that this could be a bit more painful for her than other people.

I kissed her on the lips and she seemed to like the contact, I wasn't sure if it was a distraction or what, so I gave her another small kiss on the lips before I left her, heading out to the hall.

"Hey, how is she doing?" Emmett jumped up from his seat instantly as Rose looked up at me expectantly.

"She's doing really good. Still a while to go so I'm trying to get her an epidural and find her doctor."

The both only nodded at my words.

"Thanks for taking care of her for me." I shrugged. I was thankful it was them two. Alice would have driven her crazy. "Maybe, you could go in and keep her company for a while, Rose?" I looked down hoping she would. I didn't want her to be alone at all. Especially if she felt unwell again.

"Of course." Rose jumped to her feet with a small smile.

"You don;t have too...but..." I didn't want to make anything difficult for Rose either.

"It's fine. I'm glad I can help." nodding, completely sure of herself, she walked into the room and I nodded at Emmett, silently thanking him once again before I went looking for the doctor.

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_**Please Review!!**_

_**a/n; OKay I'll try to be back as soon as. As you can see, were drawing to the end of the story here.**_


	27. Chapter 26

_**You have no idea how hard and quick I worked on this. I need a drink. **_

_**But thank you all for reading last chapter. You were all great with your reviews.**_

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**Chapter 26**

**BPOV**

"Come on, love. You are doing great." he was practically shouting the words at me.

I gripped on tight to his hand, like I had done all night. Every time, he never once made a face or any words to the pain I must have been causing him.

I was in agony. It had only let up after I got the epidural and the strange sensation of my lower part of my body becoming detached with the numbness. I didn't really like it but I was helping me.

Edward spoke of it helping my blood pressure but I had turned off from his words as the next wave went through me.

I was so tired and I had been in the room for hours now. I wanted out, with or without the baby still inside of me. I really didn't care.

"Please, Edward, I need a rest. Tell her to let me stop." Chelsea sat at my feet, only ever being encouraging. As much as I was glad to have her here, I wanted her to let me rest and she wasn't having any of it.

"No, Bella. No time for rest, not now. You're fully dilated. The baby will be here soon."

Edward wiped my face with a freezing cold cloth and I relished the sensation of the cold and the damp water wiping away the beads of sweat on my face. "This is it, Love. A few more minutes and you get to meet you're baby."

He combed his fingers through my sodding hair, matted with sweat.

He pushed me up a little, making me sit almost and he began to rub my back. Shifting me forward a little more, he got up behind me and pulled me into him, surrounding me and taking hold of my hand once again.

"You must be tired. Have you had any food." I knew that they hadn't mentioned food or any other fluids in front of me, knowing I couldn't have any in case of any real emergencies during my labour, but I was still worried about him.

"You know, sweetheart, you pick your moments." he smiled and me but he never gave me a proper answer.

"Edward...?" I checked again.

"I'm fine. Trust me, my dad has already backed me into a corner over it." he shrugged but I didn't know if I should believe him. Of course he wasn't going to tell me if there was any chance of an attack. But it was late. It was three in morning and I knew I had made his life hell the past week and a bit, struggling to fall asleep and disturbing him at the same time.

He looked at me again, he saw I was watching him closely. "Bella, I am fine, I have taken every pro-caution, except sleep. I swear on our baby's life."

I gasped at his words, not in horror but the fact he was so determined to prove himself to me. I still didn't like the thought of him swearing on an unborn life though but he was trying to show me he was being honest with me.

"We're ready." Chelsea announced, and suddenly, I wasn't.

It was to early, three weeks to early. Edward had explained over and over that they would be fine, that it would all work out. But suddenly being told they were going to be on there way, I panicked again.

"No, no we're not. It's too early." I shouted at Chelsea before darting my head around to see Edward.

"Tell her it too early. Tell her we need to stop." I was practically begging him again.

"Bella, it will be fine. I promise you. Nothing bad is going to happen."

_Nothing bad is going to happen._

The words rang in my ears

_Nothing bad was going to happen._

Edward constantly only ever saw the worst. The worst in himself and the worst in every situation.

He knew things were going to be okay, with the birth at least. He had faith in himself and faith in me and it was me who was imagining the worst this time around.

"Now, on your next contraction, push, push as if everything depended on it, okay."

I nodded silently against him, my head on his chest. He gripped tighter onto my hand and I felt him kiss the side of my face.

He knew it was coming, he knew when the next contraction was going to hit, and as soon as I began to grip on his hand and push, he held me tighter, letting me push against his chest as I tried to deliver my baby.

I could feel them as I screamed out. They really were going to be here soon.

I stopped pushing and caught my breath for a moment as I head Edward whisper words of encouragement in my ear along with pledges of love.

"Once more, Bella and you are all done." she promised me. I could see her smile form from behind her mask, her eyes crinkling up at the corners.

Another contraction passed through me and I squeezed down on Edward's hand and threw myself back into his chest as he held me like I so badly needed him too.

Without him I would have given up. I would never have been able to get to this point.

"Okay, Bella, keep pushing, just keep going, don't stop." Edward told me over and over again. So I didn't. I kept going, I kept trying and I kept pushing.

I felt my self begin to fade again but I kept going because I was there. I had made it to the finish line. It was right in front of me and it was only a few more moments until I would cross it. My baby would be here.

I pushed with the last of my energy and I gave birth to my baby.

"It's a boy." Chelsea shouted out to me as she held him, still out of my sight.

Edward slipped out from behind me but still held on to my hand as he peered over, past me, between my legs.

I felt nervous of him being down there. I knew it wasn't anything he hadn't seen before but I just didn't want that memory of me like that to be in his head. Though I knew he was really looking at our little boy.

There was no sound. No cry like you hear in television programs or films and I began to panic.

"He's not making any noise." I tried to shift from my positioning to see what was happening.

"Calm, love." Edward stroked my cheek and I saw my baby disappear behind a wall of medical staff.

"What's happening. Why isn't he crying." I gripped down hard onto Edward hand as I suddenly heard my baby cry out.

"A little mucus, that's all. They just had to clear it out." He just shrugged there, expecting it, but not warning me.

"I...I thought..." I mumbled off, not finishing my words.

"He's fine." Edward told me proudly as he glanced across through the bodies, able to see him. "Small, but that's not unexpected."

The crowd of nurses mumbled between themselves as I tried to focus on what they were saying.

"Okay, Bella, one last push to get out the placenta and we can get you settled and you can see your baby, okay." her tone was still so soft and sweet, even when she was shouting, encouraging me, there was never a moment I felt uncomfortable with her. She had been so perfect with me.

I nodded and within a few moment she was helping me sort myself out, by my side and taking hold of my hand as Edward, wandered over to pick up his little boy.

"You really did good, Bella." She wiped at my face again. She seemed so caring an nurturing and I could see she had found her true calling. She stepped away to the side, stroking a finger along the cheek of my baby before telling me she would tell our family and would be back in a little bit.

Edward pulled up to the side of the bed, cradling him so carefully. I struggled to see anything with the mass of covers wrapping him up.

"There is the most adorable baby in the world wanting to meet you, Bella." He smiled down at me, gently placing him in my arms.

He really was the most adorable baby in the world.

I felt myself break down and cry. After all the drama and the stress. After all the pain and tears, he was here. He was real. He was mine and he was Edwards.

Edward leaned down, kissing me softly on the lips. "Don't cry love. I only just got him to stop." He joked as he wiped at the few stray tears on my face.

"We did it..." I whispered the word out in pure amazement, my throat feeling more than a little rough from my shouting.

"No, Love, you did it. That was all you." he laughed a little as he ran his fingers down our baby's cheek.

There was a cough behind him, one of the nurses patiently waiting. "So, do you have a name for him or is he just 'Baby Cullen' just now?"

I chewed down on my lip. "No, we have a name. Don't we?" I asked Edward a little nervously. We had discussed it again but I was still unsure with what exactly he wanted to go with.

He nodded with a little smile. "His name is, Masen Charlie Cullen."

I smiled back up at him; just how I wanted us to name him. He was our boy and he had the name of Every father that had raised us. Edward Senior wasn't with us, but without him, there would have been no Edward. His name was as deserving as My fathers and of course our boy got his family name from Edwards true family, the family that raised him.

"Well, your boy, Masen, he's four pounds two ounces. A little small, but he's pretty fit. He'll do good and have the weigh on in no time."

I nodded before she quietly left us, leaving the three of us alone.

"Like I said. Good thing we got those little Bella shoes in black. I was sure we were having a boy." he joked. He had been so adamant it was a little girl. But here he was, all copper hair - which was no doubt the cause of my heartburn – and pale skin.

I couldn't help but notice the shade of his skin, how it matched up to Edwards so well. I was sure it meant only one thing but I didn't want to mention it right now.

"Not too disappointed, Masen wasn't, Elizabeth?" I asked a little worried. I hoped he hadn't clung on to the idea of a girl too much.

"Never. He is perfect, just like his mummy." he smiled at me, stroking my cheek, like had stroked Masen's

"He looks like his daddy." I tried to focus on the copper hair, letting my fingers caress the little bit that peeked through the blanket that had him wrapped up.

"Does he have stubble already?" Edward joked as he pretended to inspect Masens jaw, gently stroking his finger along his little cheeks.

I laughed at his words and actions But I felt the atmosphere struggle to remain light.

"I see his skin, Bella. It's okay, he's young. Most babies are really pale when born. We don't think about that until we know the results. We'll get him tested later on. Just enjoy our baby." He seemed so calm and sure of himself. I wondered what happened to my Edward for a moment.

There was no worry, no freak out. Nothing.

I nodded my head as he kissed me on the lips again. Breaking away he began to speak. "It's four in the morning. I'll get Em, Rose and my parents in for a quick look then you can get some rest after we try to feed him."

I frowned at his words. "We can get some rest." I corrected.

He gave a small laugh. "For once, Bella, it's you who needs the rest a lot more than me. My dad doped me up to my eyeballs with drugs. I'm good to go for about the next week."

"You never take that much." I knew what he could be like.

"I've never been a dad before either. I need to be there for you and Masen, all the time. Nothing is going to pull me down like that again." he sounded so sure of himself. "I'll be right back with them." he promised as he headed to get his family.

* * *

**EPOV**

My family came and they went. I was a little disappointed for Bella that her father wasn't here but I tried to get hold of him but some emergency was happening so I thought it was best to try him again in the morning after he got some rest. I knew he would be down here instantly, even if he was done in.

Right now, I was trying to help Bella feed, Masen. The problem was, Bella and Masen were both new to this and struggling to get it right.

"Just keep trying. He'll get it and he'll latch on." I told her gently as she tried again. I tried to help along the process a little. She was getting frustrated and was just so tired. She really needed some rest.

I gently touched her breast, trying to encourage Masen to take it, to feed.

"Just exactly how many women have you helped out like this?" She was teasing, she was still high as a kite from having her new little baby in her arms but I wanted her to get some food into Masen so she could rest.

"Hundreds." I joked back. I had helped direct patients before, but this wasn't my area. I had worked in it but, I had never pushed to stay in the department for any length of time. In reality I had only tried to help a handful of new mums and even then, I never touched them.

It was animal instinct for father to come up right behind you if you tried to paw at there partner and there new baby. I wasn't mad.

"Do they have nicer boobs?" she teased again but I never wanted her to ever feel threatened with strangers that I came across at my work.

I placed a small chase kiss at the top of her chest. "Never." it wasn't a doubt in my mind. I saw the changes that the pregnancy had done to her body and I knew some of them would never change back to how it was before, but I didn't care, because she was still perfect and she had went through all of this to give me what I wanted.

I saw the small stretch marks across her sides. But all they were, were small pale lines. It never changed who she was. They were so insignificant.

Her stomach would possible stay a little rounder, and to be honest, I quite liked that idea. She was slim and she was perfect, but a few little curves on her body wouldn't alter my perception of her. I relished the feel of her ass at present, seeing a small little tremble in her as she moved. It was sexy and I loved it.

Eventually, Masen learned what he was needing to do and Bella's face flinched comically as the strange new sensation of feeding began.

I pulled up on the bed with her, wrapping my arm around her shoulder as she looked down in amazement as he suckled away intently.

"Do you think we will get home tomorrow?" she asked so quietly so not to disturb Masen as he fed.

"You will most likely have to stay over tomorrow night. They will want to keep an eye on him a little longer, just to make sure everything is alright since he was early. And, well, you feed him..." I shrugged knowing if they kept him in, Bella would have to stay in too, solely as his feeder.

She only gave a small nod understanding. "Day after that?" She asked with a small smile, her voice just as quiet.

"If he is fine, you both will be allowed to go home." I knew she wouldn't want to spend time here if she didn't need to. She wanted to get home and for us to start our life as our own little family without the intrusion of doctors and nurses every five minutes. I couldn't blame her.

She leaned back into me a little more, relaxing a little as Masen seemed to feed so easily.

He was a stank, like myself.

I looked at his pale skin and knew as soon as Bella was sleeping, I was taking him for his blood tests to find out about his AIP. I needed to know. Knowing he was fine, and he was settling well and feeding without problem... it seemed to be the only thing to cross off on the list and I couldn't help but feel it nag me in the back of my head. The results would take a few days, so the sooner I sent it, the better. I would take it down to genetics straight away and it would be there for them as soon as the doctors walked in to the labs come morning.

I slipped away from Bella as I headed to her bag that I knew we would need. Opening it up I pulled out nappies and cute little sleepers I knew the baby would need.

I walked back over to my little family and Bella nervously began to wind him. She rubbed and patted his back so tenderly I was sure that it wouldn't shift any wind, but eventually it came out of him, along with a little bit of sick that wasn't too much of a concern.

Smiling at her, I cold see her eye up the little romper that I had packed for her. It was white and it only had a small little blue teddy on it.

"What, no little baby converse?" She asked trying to keep her laugh quiet.

I shook my head. "He can wear them when he goes home. One of the the babies might get jealous and try to rob him of them. Street crime in Seattle is getting out of hand in the youth these days." I mock shook me head in disgust and Bella tried not to laugh too loud.

Masen was awake, he was just keeping quiet.

I had also lifted out a little bodysuit for him too to keep him warm in the hospital and as I placed it out in front of Bella, she looked a little hesitant.

"What?" I asked a little confused.

"What if I do it wrong, what if I hurt him or break something?" That was ridiculous, someone as gentle and as tender as Bella could never hurt someone, not even a little tiny new born.

"You wont. You will be fine. Just remember, he's a lot more durable than he looks."

She chewed down on her lip and l removed if from between her teeth with my index finger. "Trust me, you will be fine."

She still looked a little hesitant as she let her fingers trail across the nappy.

"I can do it if you want, but you need to do it sometime, Love." she nodded at my words before holding Masen into her tight and shuffling on her position on the bed and gently placing him down before she began to unwrap him from his blankets.

I handed her some talcum powder and she dusted it across his bottom before she readied herself before she picked up the nappy.

She placed it under him, lifting up his bottom again and resting it on the disposable material. She placed the other side down, resting the top of it along his stomach. I gently placed my hand on hers, stopping her.

"Okay...so you're a girl." I told her with a small smile and she began to nervously chew on her lip again. "Just make sure that his 'little Masen' is tucked down." She blushed furiously before apologising profusely as she rearranged our little boy into his nappy.

"Don't apologize, Bella, every mother does it to there son, cos they're women. They don't have that issue." I laughed a little at the ridiculousness of something so trivial, but it was the only thing that she did wrong.

You could ask any man if it would be an issue and they would all tell you, yes. It was the reason we spent half our life with our hands down our fronts, readjusting ourselves. Women had that part easy. Okay, so I would give them the childbirth and all that part to them, men could never do that...

She got him dressed, her hands trembling the whole time. I passed her one of our own baby blankets that we had bought, that I had got the letter C stitched into on the corner. I wanted the staff to know instantly who exactly 'baby Cullen' was.

She passed him over to me once he was all wrapped up and secure. It was my turn now, and I didn't plan on letting go of him any time soon.

I held him into me as I helped Bella get comfortable in bed, fixing her bed covers for her.

She flinched a little and even though I felt more than comfortable holding a baby, I felt a nervous wreck knowing this wasn't any baby, this was my son. But I hid my nervousness because Bella had her own nerves to deal with and I didn't want her to ever think for a second I was questioning my years of practice at this particular moment.

I knew what babies could withstand. I had cut into the smallest of things, taking care of small medical procedures. I had seen babies die and be brought back to life right in front of me. They really were little tiny miracles. There strength and determination could even out battle Bella's. Masen was half Bella. I was sure by the time he was eighteen he would be a force to reconcile with.

She got comfortable and I could see her eyes begin to close. She deserved sleep. It was almost seven in the morning and you could hear the shift swap over from the hall, the night shift swapping with the early shift.

I sat down in the big nursing chair next to Bella's bed and gently stroked her face, trying to encourage her to sleep.

Within time, her battle was lost and she fell asleep, getting the rest she really really needed. Masen fell asleep in my arms too and I could feel my own eyes struggle to keep open.

I knew it was time to get those test done, so I could rest knowing it was being dealt with. Holding Masen in to me, I crept out the room silently, not disturbing Bella at all.

"You're not trying to kidnap that gorgeous little baby, now are you, Dr Cullen?" One of the nurses joked with me. I knew her well and I would see her around the hospital from time to time. I knew she was a fan of the maternity ward and tried to keep herself on here as often as possible.

"He's mine. He was born a few hours ago." I tried to keep quiet but I really struggled to hide my excitement.

"I had just heard, Catherine said you had a little boy that looked just like his daddy." She peeked up at him, moving his little blanket away from his face a little. "Aww, Edward. He really is beautiful." I knew she really did think all babies were beautiful but you would get that brief flash of humour from her when she would say that someone had an ugly baby, so I was glad to hear the genuine tone in her voice.

"But where are you off too? Should you not be trying to get him to settle in his bassinet?" she asked a little confused. We encouraged all new parents to try and get there babies into a decent sleeping pattern as soon as they could. It was best in the long run.

"I will do, I just need to do some checks?" I told her as I looked around the corridor to see we were alone.

"Edward..?" She asked a little worried.

"Brenda, really, it's nothing." I didn't want her to get the wrong idea. As much as I knew I could trust her, if she was concerned about me, she would go straight to my father.

"It's the AIP. I just want to do it myself. I'll run it down to genetics as soon as I'm done and I'll be right back." I promised.

"You are taking that new baby down there?" She asked a little shocked.

"Bella is sleeping and she needs some proper rest." I tired to explain but I knew I was sounding a little crazy, I just didn't want to put him into the nursery yet. I wanted to be able to watch over him. I knew that the nurses were always busy and that sometimes babies cried for a while before they were seen too.

"Come with me." She directed me with her finger and headed for one of the procedure rooms.

Once we were in, she closed the door and began to get out the tiny little needles I would need to draw the blood out.

"Here is what is happening. You take his blood and take it down to genetics. I keep him and I will look after him until you get back. I'll be in Bella's room, with the two of them and I promise I wont leave them until you get back." She knew that I could be more than a little weird with details like that and I suppose she had the better idea.

"You are not taking that baby down to genetics. I hate those damn labs, I feel that there full of all sorts of diseases and what not, plus you have to go through the ER and I'm not letting you do that one either." She cocked a greying eyebrow at me and I knew not to mess wit her. She would be straight on the phone to my dad if I did.

"Thank you." I told her, because I really was thankful, she was keeping an eye on my family while I rushed about the hospital like a man possessed, needing to know the outcome of my child's future.

"That a boy. Stick to the plan and I wont call your daddy on you." she joked, I hopped.

I laughed a little as she took him from me, holding him while I began to pull away at his blanket and clothes, pulling out his little leg, hoping to get the vein on his foot with some ease.

"He's well behaved, I see." she looked down at him and I couldn't help the smile on my face at realizing that he had been relatively quiet. He had cried, he had cried like nothing on earth that first time but now he was settled, he seemed to almost relax and just go with things, be it getting his nappy put on or his clothes. Or blood being taken for that matter.

He only stirred a little, as I drew out the blood, his tiny little foot twitching in the palm of my hand. I hated the thought of bruising him when he was only a few hours old but it had to be done.

I placed a little plaster on the top of his foot, sealing it from any infection and to stop it from bleeding out onto his new little clothes.

Taking him back from Brenda, I kissed his forehead at him being the best patient I had ever dealt with.

It was frightening how much I cherished and loved this little boy already. I knew that parental love now, and nothing could ever heal me from heartbreak if anything was to ever happen to him.

Brenda sealed up the bottles of blood for me after filling out the little labels. Taking Masen from me once again, she ordered me to go and take the blood down to the labs so they could begin it first thing.

"Look after my boy and girl for me, Brenda." Reaching forward I kissed Masen once again before placing a quick thankful kiss one Brenda's cheek. She only laughed at my show of affection before she chased me along to the labs.

Heading down, I knew exactly who I was leaving it for. I had an old friend from medical school that worked in genetics and I knew if I left a note for him, he would start on it right away for me. I couldn't wait any time at all. I needed to know as soon as possible.

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_**a/n; Please review!!**_

_**ok so the next chappy wont be quite as prompt but please know how thankful I am to you all, for reading, the reviews and the support in general. You guys rock!!**_

_**Some dadward coming up!!**_


	28. Chapter 27

_**Chapter freaking 27 – can you believe it!! I cant!**_

* * *

**Chapter 27**

**BPOV**

Rubbing Masen's back, I burped him after his feed.

He had been home for two days after he was given the all clear by my obstetrician and he seemed like he was fitting in well with us. He slept a lot, which was good, but it was often difficult needing to waken him up for his feed. He liked to lie in anybody's arms but wake him up and you got it. He would cry and cry, and a few times it seemed he would never stop.

Looking over at Edward he played around with his phone, lost in his own little world. I hated it because he had became so distracted by the outcome of the tests, he was missing it all.

"Why don't we go a walk?" I suggested. We had yet to leave the house as it seemed it was always constantly filled with visitors.

"Yeh, you should." he mumbled to himself, I think not quite realizing what I was asking him. I wanted us to go as a family.

Cradling Mason into me, I got on to my feet and sat across on the other couch, next to Edward, handing him Mason.

"Your little boy is wanting his daddy." I smiled up at Edward and you could visibly see him come to life as he looked down at his little boy.

But he still clutched on to that damn phone too.

I took it from his hand, and his attention was instantly pulled away from Masen once more.

"You know, anybody would think you loved that phone more than your son." I tried to be gentle, but I needed to get the message across to him. The results never mattered, what mattered was that Edward would be there for him, whatever the outcome.

"You know that's no true." his voice was gruff and he looked tired. He hadn't slept much and if I was honest, Edward was there by his side constantly, unable to sleep with the thought of the results playing on his mind.

He pulled him on to his chest and slid down the couch a little, letting his eyes rest as he held him. Holding out an arm for me, he silently invited me to cuddle into his side too, and I took it.

Resting my head on his chest, I looked across at my little baby falling asleep again and I let myself rest knowing I needed it too. We all needed the rest.

Some time must have passed, but not much, before Edward's cell began to ring. He jumped with a fright and so did I, both of us startling Masen. I took him from Edward instantly, soothing him once more as he cried, all the time Edward spoke on the phone.

"Okay, yeh." he mumbled into the phone. "Yes, I know....I know...I know." that's all he seemed to tell them.

Ending the call he placed down the phone and began to rub at his face with his hands and pulling on his hair. It didn't look good but I still needed to here those words before I would accept it.

"Edward..?" I prayed he would get his words out quick.

He sighed hard before looking up at me. "He has it, Bella. He has AIP."

My heart jumped into my throat and I struggled to swallow but I had to think logical. I had to be practical.

"Okay, that's okay...We can handle it." I promised myself and Edward. I struggled to believe my own words though.

"It's not okay, though." he almost shouted as he threw his phone down on the floor in frustration, it only landed on the plush carpet without damage.

Walking back over to him, I sat with my right knee touching his left one. "It will be fine. We all will get through this." I held Masen out so Edward could see him. "Look at him, he's perfect. Would you change anything about him?" I knew I wouldn't. Despite him being days old, he already had his own little nature. He was Masen Cullen and he was the baby he was because of every single gene that lived in him, from us. I would never change Edward and I would never change my son.

Edward never looked at him and I panicked. "Look at him, Edward. He is still the same baby that you sang to sleep last night. It changes nothing." I was firm on my words and I would never let Edward doubt them. "You love him. You can't stop loving him because you worry he will become like you."

Edward eventually nodded at my words and finally met my eyes. "I still love him...I just wish he would have had it easier." I could understand him. He knew exactly what it felt like to live with the condition.

"I know, we all want the best, and we can give him it, we have you and Carlisle's knowledge. Plus it might not be an active form." I shrugged, hopeful.

"He's so pale, Bella. That part of it will affect him." His words horse, as he gingerly stroked Masen's cheek. I knew it would. My thoughts on his matching skin, that only seemed to get more and more like Edwards, had been constantly at the front of my mind since I had saw the similarity.

"So we buy him sun block and a hat. We live in Seattle. He will get through it, just like you did." I hoped that Edward could see that the sheer fact he had got through his life and that it would be enough encouragement for him to accept it. I knew it would be hard, but he had to accept it.

He only nodded as he threw his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into him, and back into the the couch. Masen was still very much awake but he had quietened down.

"Why don't we go that walk and get him sleeping so we can have a rest of our own." Edward asked.

I nodded instantly, dying for some fresh air and a chance to show off my little boy to the world.

Wrapping up, we headed for the front door.

* * *

Edward pushed Masen in his pram, through the park. It was fairly quiet as most people were at work, but there were a few mothers out with there babies and toddlers, the cold weather no doubt keeping the brunt of them inside.

It was still a little slippy with ice, but I had on my converse, newly bought by Edward, and they were a lot better at keeping me on my feet.

"You know, I shouldn't even be here." I told him with a small amused smile on my lips as I hugged into his arm.

"Really? Are we not entertaining enough for you?" Edward asked a little confused at what I meant.

"No, I should be on my last day at work and I should be feeling like I'm ready to explode and complaining of a sore back."

He laughed a little and it was nice to hear as he had been pretty sullen since he got the news on Masen's condition. "Well you would go around wearing ridiculous shoes in this weather." he sighed at me. "The chucks look good by the way." he told me as an after thought.

"Yeh, this hot doctor bought me them since I had difficulty standing on the ice. I don't know if he is just trying to give me back my miss spent youth, after chasing him around for years." I joked and squeezed on his arm a little more and he cracked a smile, a real proper smile.

"I say you stop chasing the hottie and start paying more attention to this little cuttie." Edward spoke as he looked back at Mason with that look of adoration plastered across his face. "Though I think he might be a little too much like the hottie you spent years chasing. Egotistical, bit of a brat."

"Did you just call my baby a brat?" I slapped his chest, half in jest and half serious.

"No, that's just me." he shrugged a little and I could see the though of what his condition had meant for him as he grew up. I knew what it had meant, I had lived with him for the past ten years. I couldn't not feel a pang of pain running through me at the thought of Masen suffering like Edward had.

I stopped on my tracks, making Edward stop also. His body turned to me, but he looked away off into the distance.

"I know, Edward. I know what it means. But look at the person you were. You were great, you were like hidden treasure when I found you, you were this dark, hard shell, but when you opened up you shone a million times brighter than any sun, pure gold. That was who you were, who you are. You disconnected yourself from your world because no one could understand. We do now. We all understand now." I reached my hand up to his face, feeling his stubble on his chin since he hadn't shaved since Masen was born.

"I know it wasn't what you wanted to here. You wanted it easy for him, and I really can't blame you for that. I wanted it to be easier for him too. But this is the hand he has been dealt, the same one as you. But there is something inside of me happy about it. Your nature, your kindness, your compassion. God, even the way you love, you do it without fear. I had a boyfriend and you wouldn't give up, and I thank god everyday for you and who you are, because if you never had that fierce fearless love, I wouldn't get to love you. I would be no doubt divorced and miserable and you have gave me love, married me and gave me the most beautiful little boy ever." I needed him. I couldn't live my life without Edward Cullen. He was the only one meant for me and if he had never fought like he had when we were younger, I would have walked away into the sunset with Jacob, making the biggest mistake of my life.

Reaching up on my tip toes, I kissed him hard because I need it. I needed to show it to myself and I needed him to see it too.

There was not another soul out there in this world meant for either one of us. I had never doubted it, even after all theses years.

He pulled me into him tight, all the time his right hand still gripping onto the evidence of our love, our little boy in his pram.

I had to hand it to Edward though, he was coping with the news a lot better than I had expected. I had expected fireworks. I only hoped it wasn't going to pull him into a depression instead.

Pulling away from him I needed to know, I needed to know exactly his thoughts on it, how he really felt about it.

"I don't want this to take hold of you, Edward. I need you to talk to me about it. I need to know how you're feeling, because honestly, you're really quiet and it's freaking me out a little." He looked deep into my eyes and I could see he was trying to make himself open to me, for me to be able to read him without doubt.

"Love, I'm fine..." he instantly screwed his eyes closed and rolled his lips.

Opening them again, I could see the green and the little bit of doubt he was having. "I'm not fine, I'm not..." he sighed, struggling with his words. "I feel a bit numb, honestly. We argued this for one for so long, and I know that you never promised me that it _wouldn't_ happen. But I felt like I trusted you enough, that you could stop it from happening."

I was confused. He had the statistics, he had the data, he knew the risks.

"Shit, that sounds like I'm blaming you. I'm not. I'm just saying that you seemed so hell bent on having Masen, I thought you knew it would be okay, that it would all work out for the best, that he would be fine."

He looked away and shuffled on his feet as he looked out to the park behind me. "I just thought we would get this one thing. That you would get this one thing. Nothing is ever easy for you. I ruined your pregnancy by bringing you down and now you have to put up with this all over again, just as mine is finally beginning to leave me. You have already put up with this for ten years. Now Masen has it, it just isn't fair on either one of you."

I let my hand reach his stubbled jaw once again, pulling him back to me. "I never put up with anything from you. This is who you are. I love who you are, just like how I love who Masen is." there was nothing I was more sure about in the world.

"Try asking my mum, try asking what she thought of me growing up." He was growing frustrated but it wasn't at me, it was himself.

"I have." I told him, so sure of myself and so sure of what to expect from the two of them. "She said it pained her that you pulled yourself away from them, but when you would shout she would at least know you had fire inside of you. She liked that. She knew that it could have swallowed you whole and in to a depression without the arguing, the shouting or the fighting, but when she saw that, she knew that you would be able to hold your own in life at some point." He looked surprised at my words.

"She told me about the times before you tore yourself away from them, that you would go to her and cuddle into her side for so long that you fell asleep." He narrowed his eyes and gave a small nod knowing I was right.

"Even when you thought I left you that day, the day Jake caught us, you still went to her. She was so glad you did because she knew if you truly needed someone and I wasn't there, you still felt you could go to her."

He had been back to his mothers more than once since that day and I knew Esme cherished every time he wore his heart on his sleeve to her like he did to me.

"When did she tell you that?" his voice croaked out, charged full of emotion.

I shrugged. "About ten years ago."

He looked taken aback but he was still quiet. He looked intently into my eyes for a few moments before he began to talk again.

"I love Masen. Don't doubt that. I am happy that we had him, I'm just disappointed that of all the things that had to go wrong with him, it was me that caused it."

"You didn't. It's genetics. It could have been countless other genetic issues that we didn't know about. We know all about this."

He nodded at my words. "Least my misery can maybe stop his" the ironic tone echoing his words.

"Exactly." I smiled up at him. "See...I knew you would be good for something, one day." I joked.

He cracked a smile and rolled his eyes at me. "Funny." he told me, and I knew he was amused at least. "Now lets go home cos my boy is sleeping....and as much as I do love him, he has kept me from my sleep long enough."

"Me too." I let a yawn slip from my mouth, Edward only laughing before pulling on my hand and pulling me the direction of the home.

* * *

I placed Masen back into his pram, once Edward had carried it up the stairs to our apartment. I left him in the hall after stripping him of his outside clothes and the copious amounts of blankets and shawls I had used to keep him warm from the outside chill.

It was best to let him rest there, I usually let him sleep in with us, in his Moses basket at the bottom of our bed, where we could keep a close eye on him but I was tired and so was Edward but there was still the possibility of both of us talking and I really didn't want to disturb him with that.

Walking into our room I watched as I saw Edward take one of his pills for his attacks. He had taken more in the past few days than I had saw him take in about a few months. It had me more than a little worried what this was doing to his body.

Looking up to me, he instantly read my mind, voicing my concerns for me. "I'm fine. There precautionary. It's exhausting work having a baby." he told me lightly before he threw himself back into his pillows.

"Try _having_ a baby." I teased. He gave a brief nod, thinking. "But are you sure you are alright? I'm worried." I really was, I was so scared that something bad was going to happen to him, despite him taking all that medication.

"I'm fine, Bella. Stop worrying about me, you should be concerned about Mason." My heart jumped at his words.

"Do you think there is something wrong with him?" I gasped out nervously, my gut clenching.

Edward laughed. "No, he's fine. I was just meaning in general. I can look after myself. You can baby Masen, since in fact he _is_ the baby."

I rushed over to him, jumping across his legs, straddling him before crashing down on top of him, hugging him. "But I like to baby you." I told him but he knew I was just teasing.

"Don't I know it." he kissed my forehead. "All I'm saying is that I really am fine-" I jumped in at his words.

"But you're not. You need sleep. Push yourself too far, Edward, and it will happen. You know it will, and all it means is I'll struggle more in the long term if I have to deal with Masen by myself and you in hospital. The last time you were out for two days. I can't have that, Masen can't have it." Screw it, I was going to bloody guilt trip him into it if I needed too. It was for his own good.

I could see Edward's mind process my words. He knew I was right but I knew he wanted to help me out as best as he could.

He nodded a little. "Alright, if I sleep the now and sleep through the night I'll be brand new. I can take over first thing and you can get a good lie in." It was better than I expected from him so I was sure he wasn't feeling completely normal right now.

"That sounds good to me. I get a lie in." I cheered. Masen was up usually up at night a few times, but if I got a lie in, I would be fine myself. He did like to sleep, so as soon as he was fed and changed, he often just crashed out again.

He lifted me off of him before placing me down by his side, cuddling into my back, Edward, moulding himself around me. "He's asleep right now, so you are going to sleep too. We will hear him if he cries."

I only nodded as I mumbled that I loved him as I felt my eyes drop and his lips on my cheek, kissing me.

* * *

Stumbling around in the dark, I looked for Edward. He wasn't in bed and he should have been. I should have known better than to trust him, that he would sleep the full night to allow himself to get the proper rest he needed. I was so angry. He was going to end up in hospital or worse. I knew I was tired, but my body could take it.

My sleep this afternoon had been short, with Masen deciding to wake up after I had about ten minutes sleep.

Wrapping my dressing gown around me, I tied it tight, locked for battle with Edward. When was he going to learn that he had restrictions in life and now wasn't the time to press them. If he had another attack he could kill himself. He had promised me he would take better care of himself but he wasn't doing it. I knew he had his valium to stop the attacks but I knew that it might fail, especially the fact, Edward refused to take anything more than the minimum dosage.

Walking into the nursery, it was empty so I headed straight for the living room. He had to be in the house somewhere.

Opening the door, I saw Edward stretched along the couch with Masen lying on his bare chest, the pair of them sleeping. All he wore was a pair of sweats. He must have been freezing. I was thankful Masen was bundled up with blankets and hoped it was helping keep Edward a little warmer too.

I had to admit it was an adorable sight, but he had still done wrong.

I quietly crept over to them, lifting up Masen into the safety of my arms. Edward did have a firm hold of him though. I knew how firm his grip could be from when he had held me as he slept.

He shifted in surprise and his eyes sprung open and saw it was only me.

There was a bottle at the side and a little bag tied up with no doubt a dirty nappy, so he had been up for a while, doing what I should have been doing.

"I told you, you were to sleep." I whispered but you could still hear the anger in my voice at Edward.

He looked at me, dazed and still half asleep, wiping at his eyes. "I was..." he defended with a shrug.

"This, Edward, is not sleeping. You fed him, you changed his nappy..." I pointed to the evidence lying on the floor.

"You needed your sleep." he told me in a whisper trying to wave the argument away, heading for our bedroom.

I grabbed at his hand and ordered him to stay in his spot. "Wait right here." I ordered with that quiet angry tone once more. He only nodded as he rubbed at his eyes once more.

I quickly hurried through to our bedroom, placing Masen back in basket before I headed straight back to have my words with Edward. I wasn't standing for it. He wasn't taking care of Masen when he was so tired. I managed just fine on my own.

I closed my bedroom door and the living room one too, trying to keep all sound from my baby.

"I told you that you were to sleep and as soon I have my eyes closed you are away taking Masen out for his feed." I stood there with my hands on my hips, expecting of an almighty apology from Edward for being so thoughtless of my real need for him.

"You were tired-"

I jumped in instantly. "Don't give me it Edward, I can manage just fine on my own. You are the one that needs rest." I sneered at him.

His eyes closed and I could see a battle in him, his jaw locking. "He was crying okay?" he spat at me.

"I would have heard him." I argued.

His eyes opened at me once more "No, you never. You are tired and you were sleeping." What was he talking about. "He was crying and crying, Bella, and you never heard him."

That wasn't true, he was at the end of my bed, of course I would have heard him.

"You're lying." he had to be.

"I know that you have been stressed about these tests too, you have rattled around this apartment just like me, the only difference with me was, I never had a baby a few days ago. You are still worn out, and that's fine-"

"I'm not worn out." I jumped down his throat. "Stop bullshitting and just admit that you have some insecurity about needing more rest than me."

He laughed at me, like actually laughed at me. It made me want to hit him. So I did.

Reaching forward, I swung my fist off of his chest and then my other, a beat down on his chest and I felt my self break.

I didn't know what was happening to me or what I was doing, but I couldn't stop myself

I couldn't have slept though him crying. Edward was lying. I had more energy than him. He needed pills to make it through the day without having an attack. I didn't.

I kept hitting him, letting out my hatred of his lie, as if I was some unfit mother.

He let me too.

He stood there so firm, looking down and when my tears came, it never surprised him. He looked concerned.

He grabbed hold of my hands pulling me towards him. "I can look after my own baby." I told him in a sob.

He squeezed on me so tight I thought I was going to burst. "I know, Love. You're a brilliant mother, you just need to catch up on sleep."

"No, I don't. It's you who needs the sleep." I argued again.

"Bella, when will you see what you're body has been through. You made a person. You need to recover. Christ, you were hitting me. When have you ever done that...except when I actually deserved it?" he tried to lighten the tone but it hurt too much to think of it as funny.

"You need a proper rest. You haven't had one since you got home and I knew you never slept in hospital. Not properly at least." He fought out his words fast and sure as his grip on me only got tighter. He kissed the top of my head as I sobbed, his unfailing arms, surrounding me.

Was I doing this wrong? Was I a bad parent? Edward told me I wasn't but I still felt in my heart that I was doing wrong. _I should have heard my baby cry for me. I should have_.

Pulling me down onto the couch with him, he scooped me in his arms and rested me on his knee as he kissed at my temple. "You are tired and that's okay. Your body will realize it wont be getting as much rest as you used too and it will adjust. It happens to us all."

"But you heard him, so why didn't I?" Edward was exhausted, he needed rest more than I did, so why was it me that was the one that was failing? It should have been Edward that should have struggled.

He shrugged his arms. "I don't know, maybe since I was eighteen, some girl crept into my bed and I sleep lighter in case she needs me."

I could feel myself frowning as I thought about his words. I had noticed that if I ever did need him, he was always awake, he would fall back asleep quickly again so I was never concerned about his health.

I still felt confused by his words though.

"Bella, I work in a hospital, I jump up from sleep to work on emergencies instantly. Its just the way my body works. If there's nose, I wake up. It isn't often I need you to wake me up. Except if I have had an attack."

He was right. His eyes always almost seemed to be open or open up when I needed him. It was as if he could sense it.

I let out a yawn and tried to stop it, but it was too late, Edward saw it. "It's perfectly acceptable to feel tired and emotional, especially when we have only just had a baby and have been struggling with our own thoughts on the test results. Lets get to bed just now and we can talk about it in the morning."

I did feel emotional. Nothing bad, but I did feel incredibly overwhelmed having this new life in front of me. I wasn't under prepared, I just wasn't prepared for what it truly meant. That this tiny being would take up your life, your love, so much. It wasn't resentment, Edward and I constantly fought over him, to be the one to attend to his needs. That's what it was. Some great emotion, to love and give everything to this tiny being. The need to reach out and touch them, to be there for them constantly. I needed to do it, my own desire to help this life I had created. Edward was the same as well. I was tired and I couldn't cope with all the demands that I wanted to give to my son and it made me feel like a failure. That I was letting him down. I knew I wasn't. I couldn't argue with Edward because I had heard it a million times from my obstetrician. I would be tired, especially the first few months.

I felt like a failure at not hearing him cry, but I was tired, and it wasn't going to change for a while.

I wept on Edwards shoulder for a little more, feeling like crap, wanting to give my all to this little life, and if I was honest, I was angry that Edward had been the one to attend to him when I felt like it was him who needed more rest. It made me feel weak.

I was tired. No, I was shattered. My small meltdown on Edward was only proof of this.

I loved my baby immensely. It was just going to be a lot harder than I realized.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled out an apology to Edward. I had hit him. I knew it wasn't hard, but it was me beating out my own frustration on the man I loved and it was wrong.

"Love...there is nothing to apologize for. You asked me the day after we got married if we would argue more, and this is nothing. But the thing is, those times when it's great, like today in the park, that's what its all about. All of it."

He wiped at my face so tenderly, wiping the tears off of my cheeks. "There is good times and bad times, and when your tired, it gets a little hazy. It's all part of it, if it was always good, we would never appreciate those moments."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Seriously, what did you do with my husband?" I tried to told in my laugh. It was almost as if Edward had been taken over. He seemed so much calmer. I would have expected him to be on edge, nervous, his anxiety peaking at the worry of Masen, especially with the results.

He smiled at me sleepily and I wanted to kiss him but he began to speak. "I'm right here. It's hard and earlier was a struggle but I kept myself in check because you and Masen needed me to be here. I can't just go flying off the handle because he has my condition. It won't help anyone. All it means is you would feel more alone and I can't have that, you have had that long enough."

Edward was controlling his condition by himself, holding onto himself. We knew the lash outs would begin to fade, that they wouldn't be as aggressive. It was the physical effects of the condition that was the concern as he grew out of it, what it could do to his body.

"Have I told you how much I love you?" I asked before pressing my lips firmly against his.

He let out a small snigger at my words as I pulled away. "You know, it was quite the opposite, that you were saying when you were in labour."

I narrowed my eyes at him, knowing too well the verbal assault I had gave him when I thought I was going to die of pain. "We'll just be thankful that's all you got." He looked at me expectant. "If I had saw those scissors for the cord any earlier, it wouldn't only have been me in pain." He flinched at my words as he let out a laugh.

"I tried to make it easy on you, sweetheart." I knew he had, the pain was just part of the process.

"They say women forget about the pain though..." Edward told me as if I should have no recollection of it.

I playfully slapped his cheek. "Sweetheart, smart women don't forget about that kinda pain." he laughed again before lifting me up as he stood and settling me on my feet.

"Okay, bedtime, Love." with that he pushed me forward all the way through to our room, gently pressing me forward, and pressing harder when I stopped in my tracks to look at Masen.

"He's fine. Let him get his sleep and we get ours. I'll get up with him if he cries and if he doesn't, I'll give him his morning feed when it's time."

I sighed and turned around to face Edward. Before I could even complain, he had jumped in in front of me.

"Bella, don't start. I'll get sleep tomorrow." I knew I was pouting and Edward playfully pulled on my bottom lip.

"Put it away, it's getting you nowhere tonight." I sighed again and he only rolled his eyes at me, acting like some stroppy teen. I was exhausted and I was acting out because of it. I knew if I really wanted to be there for Masen, I would need energy." I threw myself down onto the bed. Edward joined me before pulling me back into him and wrapping his arms around me.

He could have tonight and I would be on top of it all by the next again day. I just needed a sleep and then I would be fine.

* * *

_**A/n; PLease review!! **_

_**I have one more chapter to go and then the Eppy!! Can you belive we have got thorugh it!!**_

_**Also - HOTRS and BB one shots and deleted scens are planned for - so add me on auothr alert for them and also any suggestions of somthign you would want to see from them - in any time!! somthing you would like to have seen. I do have a few ideas of my own but some suggestions would be good. Let me know**_

_**xx**_


	29. Chapter 28

**Last chapter – I will begin to write the eppy ASAP**

**Thank you, for all your support**

* * *

**Chapter 28**

**Four months later**

**BPOV**

"Get out my face, I can't handle you right now. Just go, get out." I screamed at Edward. I actually screamed at him.

Masen was in my arms as I tried my best to sooth him. He was shrieking, suffering from some virus. It wasn't serious, but he would been feeling terrible and was only trying to let me know how he felt. Edward on the other hand, he was just being difficult.

He was tired, overworked and had been struggling with Masen as much as me at night but I still couldn't listen to him. I couldn't be there for him. I had to be there for my baby first, sending Edward to the back of the queue.

He looked at me astonished, completely gob smacked that I had just told him that and I knew it was unfair. But I could only handle one at a time.

Our argument had got so out of hand, I couldn't remember the reason why it began in the first place, other than it had, and right now Edward was pulling every little thing up to the forefront, just to add fire to the flames.

"I said get out." I shouted again, shaking Masen in my arms gently all the while shushing him.

"I know baby, I'll just get you more medicine." I promised my little boy, his face scarlet and damp with tears as I could see Edward look at me from the corner of my eye.

The incredible green that Edward had, shone in Masen and looking at him, I could just imaging the torment Edward was having right now. _But I still couldn't cope._

When you have a baby there is no instruction manual, there is no book on what to do. _I felt so lost_. I felt so tired. I felt like thing would never be normal again. Having a baby was much bigger than I could have ever of imagined.

I heard the front door slam and looking up, Edward was gone.

I breathed a sigh of relief before I felt my legs being to fold, sliding down the wall with tears in my eyes and my screaming baby in my arms.

_This was not how I had imagined motherhood to be._

I sat there, sobbing, not giving my baby what he truly needed because I felt like I was just to unable too. I felt like there was a ton weight around my neck and it had just broke me.

Eventually I picked myself up and went to the fridge, retrieving Masens medicine. I sat down, placing him on my knee and spooned the liquid, trying to feed him it. He fought me off, hating the bitter taste. I couldn't blame him, I wouldn't want it either.

He had it smudged down his bib and across his hot pink cheeks and my hands trembled as I tried to get him to take it for a second time.

I helped the situation by forcing his mouth open with my finger and forcing him to take it, his cries only growing louder with my bully boy tactics. He tried to spit it out but I kept scraping it from his lips with the spoon and forcing it back in. Eventually, he had his dose.

He kept crying and I held onto him tighter, kissing his sweet scented forehead telling him that I knew how bad I was. I knew I was bad at giving him his medicine. That was Edward department. He fed him it and there was never a complaint. I didn't know how he did it, but he did.

My mind filled with guilt at the way I had told him to leave, at me screaming at him.

In all honesty, we had a lot of arguments but nothing like that. Nothing so volatile. Edward seemed to just snap and I knew it was his condition. Edward had spoke about how he felt it was him that was controlling more of the arguments, rather than the AIP causing it.

Life wasn't bad. It was actually good, but the times when we argued, it just seemed so much more personal. I knew it was Edward that was shouting at me, not his condition, and part of me was thankful that we were at least working through something on our own, be it talking or arguing.

But the fact he was a doctor had me questioning Everything I was doing. Was I doing it right? Was I harming Masen? I had a million other questions, all sounding alike, but no two the same. And I felt that Edward had the answers. He tried telling me he didn't. That this was all new to him too.

The first day Edward was back at work, I freaked out. Convinced that there was something wrong with Masen, I rushed him to the hospital and straight to Edward. There wasn't anything wrong with him, but I doubted my own judgement, not having a professional at my side like I had when Edward was off on paternity leave.

Like I said, It wasn't all bad. There was more good than bad. But sitting with my sobbing baby, my own heart shattered at the way I had treated Edward, I felt like it was never going to get easier.

Masen for the most part was an incredible baby. Well behaved, slept through the nights. I pushed myself to start back at work, and I was also able to do it and still be by Masens side constantly, though doing the two was a lot more demanding than I thought. I was struggling to get the necessary chapters seen to as I tried to keep Masen entertained.

Soon enough the medicine began to kick in and Masen began to relax. He stopped crying and settled pretty quickly before falling asleep.

Placing him into his crib, I quietly crept around the room, picking up dirty clothes and empty bottles.

I headed through to the kitchen and placed the washing in a ball in the floor and let the bottles soak in some warm water.

Heading through me and Edwards room, it was a mess. More clothes littered the floor along with bottles and mugs. I collected them all up, doing with them what I had done with the things from Masens room.

I headed for the living room to be met with an even bigger mess. There was more bottles and mugs along with the papers I had thrown in my distress. A full chapter completely scattered around the room.

I had felt like I had lost it. I just knew I was having a bad day and that I would get through it. I had days like it before, and I had survived.

I tidied up the papers, quickly, before I moved onto trying to find out where my husband had went to.

I needed him here. I needed him to tell me it was okay and that he forgave me, I only hoped that he was able to tell me those words.

Wiping my tears away, I called his mobile and I heard it's ringtone coming from the kitchen. He had left it here as he had sped out the door. Cancelling the call, I tried Emmett's.

"Bella?" Emmett answered.

"Um...Hey, is...is Edward there with you?" I bit down on my lip at the worry of what Emmett would think of me, not knowing where Edward was.

"No, he's not. Everything okay?" his voice was only full of concern and I felt bad.

I kept my sobs in, feeling myself break down again. "We had an argument and I told him to leave. I tried calling him but he left his phone here."

Emmett let out a little sigh, but it wasn't at me. "Bells, don't worry, he'll be back soon. Once he's blew off some steam, he'll be back." he reassured me. "You know, if you want we can watch Masen tonight. I know you're burned out this week with him being ill..."

"It's fine, really." I assured. I needed to be stronger than this. I wiped at my face furious of the evidence that was showing exactly the opposite of what I was saying.

"Let me come get him, please. The two of you are going to be no good to that boy if you keep going like you are. It's okay to ask for help." His sweet tone broke me. The sobs I had held in, came pouring out of me.

"I'll be right over." Was all he said before he ended the call.

I cried hard as I sat there like a ball on the couch. I didn't even hear the door go, but the next thing I knew was Emmett was sitting down beside me, wrapping his arms around me as I sobbed away.

"It's okay, Bella." he promised with that gentle giant tone that only he had.

I shook my head into his chest, dampening his t shirt. "It's not." I mumbled.

"You are not superwoman. You have been working so hard and looking after Masen while he's ill. It's not easy but you have been doing it."

I hadn't though, not really. I had failed on that one.

"Listen, I'll call Alice, see if he went to hers." he offered. "Then once I get hold of him, I'll tell him to get his ass back here and I'll take Masen for the two of you, so you can get caught up on everything."

He looked at me, as if to tell me not to try and even argue.

I went to speak, to tell him we would managed but he jumped in first. "Rosie was just complaining that you don't share him out enough. She wants some time with her nephew. You going to take on Rosie and refuse her that one?" His brow rose at the prospects on me taking on Rose. I would never take on Rose, she would whip my ass in seconds.

Swallowing hard, I admitted defeat and shook my head.

"Good, girl." Emmett told me before flipping out his phone and calling Alice.

Almost instantly he began to speak. "Hey, is he there?...Good...Tell him he's to get back home right now." He cut the phone off and it was almost as if the conversation never happened, it was so quick.

"He'll be home in five minutes." he assured as he patted my knee, trying to comfort me.

Wiping my own tears away. Emmett stood, getting ready for taking Masen. "Right so I better not forget his medicine..." he mumbled to himself.

"Bottles? Do you have some feeds made up." I shook my head knowing I hadn't made any new bottles up. It was something I was just going to do.

"It's fine, give me the formula and I'll get Rose to make it. She knows what to do with that stuff." He picked up Masens changing bag that lay in the corner of the room, opening it up and checking what was in it.

It was full of everything he needed except clothes. "I'll get him some changes of clothes." I said as I stood up, heading for the nursery.

Within a few minutes He was all packed with my baby in his arms. My heart constricted at the thought of being without him when he needed me, but Emmett was right. If I didn't get some rest, I would be no use to him at all. I was already failing him.

Masen lay in Emmett's bulky arms without a sound. reaching down, I kissed Masen on the forehead and Emmett Kissed me on the cheek before leaving.

He hadn't even been in my apartment for five minutes and now he was gone with my boy for the night.

A few minutes later, I heard the front door close gently and I made my way out into the hall from the lounge. Looking a Edward, he had his eyes cast down, silently refusing to meet mine.

I stood there not knowing what to do, the tension growing thicker, the awkwardness becoming unbearable.

"I'm sorry..." I was unsure if I had spoke the words as they had came out so quite, but I had felt the slip of them on my lips.

I rushed to Edward, needing him. I crashed into his chest and I wrapped my arms around him. He didn't have to forgive me, I just needed him to let me hold him, if only for a few moments.

I felt his arms wrap around me, pulling me further into his chest, his breath sweeping down on me before he kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry, Bella."

_Why was he sorry?_

I looked up at him, silently questioning his words. "I should never have been shouting at you like that..." he shrugged. "I...I just lost it for a bit of time . I'm so sorry." his words were scratchy and I could hear anguish lace his voice.

"I shouldn't have told you to leave. I should have been...I should have..." I didn't know what I should have done. All I know was I shouldn't have shouted at him like I had.

"Bella, stop. I was wrong. You were pushed. I can't blame you." I never agreed, I kept quiet. I still felt as though I should have been stronger.

"I take it Masen fell asleep?" Obviously aware of the silent apartment.

"He did. But I don't know if he still is. Emmett took him for the night. He said we needed a break."

Edward ran a hand up his face and through his hair, sighing. "I think he's right."

I began to sob again and I knew it was tiredness that was causing it. He smoothed my hair, shushing me but it didn't do much to stop the tears.

"I just feel like I can't do anything right." I covered my mouth trying to calm my cries.

"It's been a hard week...and a long one. We're both done in. He's hardly slept at all and we have been with him constantly. It will get easier again."

I nodded knowing he was right and this was the first real difficult time we had had with Masen and it was because he was unwell.

"Lets get some sleep. I'm just so done in, I can't think how you will be feeling. You have been up all night every night with him."

I only shrugged, trying to ignore the fact that he was right.

Taking me to our room, he stripped me bare, getting me into bed without even bothering with any t shirt. He stripped down to nothing also before climbing in beside me, pulling me into him. Before I knew it, we were both sound asleep.

* * *

Waking up, it must have been around five in the morning. Emmett left with Masen around six last night so I had slept for almost ten and a half hours.

I didn't know why I woke, up, I just had. Instinct I guess. I was expecting to have herd Masen cry for me, but he was with Rose and Emmett.

"He'll be fine, love." Edwards sleepy voice called out to me, obviously aware I was awake.

"I...I know, its just strange." I shrugged.

"I know, you body will wonder what is going on with all that sleep." he laughed lightly and I knew that last nights argument wasn't something that could break us. Nothing could. I was sure of it.

But I still felt guilty.

I felt Edward pull me into him, my back against his chest, both of us still completely naked. It was nice to feel his warm skin against mine.

"Love, stop worrying about. About any of it." He knew I was still harbouring the fight in my thoughts and he didn't like it. He didn't like for these things to eat away at me.

"I'm sorry." the words came out be accident, knowing it was the last words Edward wanted to hear from me.

"No more apologies." he ordered with a kiss to my shoulder.

His hand roamed down my bare side and feeling as his hands caress my skin like that was like the first time he had touched me.

We hadn't made love since before we had the baby and I was beginning to forget his touch. He had touched me before, small caresses of the skin but they always seemed more soothing than sexual.

Turning around, I looked into Edwards eyes and saw something. Some kind of want. I felt guilty because I had been so exhausted I had nerve asked how how he was feeling without sex. He never spoke about it and I knew that he was only being understanding. But still, he must have had needs.

I felt like we were on tender hooks, just waiting for the other to press forward. Edward had stroked my skin, now he was leaving it up to me to push forward if that's what I wanted.

It was what I wanted. _It was what I craved._ I was still exhausted but right now after that static touch from Edward, I had to have him.

I reached forward and kissed him on the lips. My tongue pushing through his mouth so he understood my desire for him.

His tongue met mine and his taste was great. It had even been a good week since I had kissed him with some need. And right now it was all I could think of.

His erection grew between us as he placed his hand upon my hip, pulling me into him.

He broke away, closing his eyes and trying to regain his composure before opening them again. "You know, we don't need to..." we both knew exactly what he was talking about.

"I want too." I promised him with a firm chaste kiss to his lips.

"Are you sure?" The look of hesitation had me worried. Didn't he want me any more?

Glancing down at myself I could see the changes. I understood he accepted me when I was pregnant, but it had been four months and my figure hadn't really changed at all.

"_Are you sure_?" I asked him back.

He looked confused for a moment until her realized I was questioning him, whether he really wanted to be with me.

"Jesus, Bella, do you know how many times I have knocked one out in the shower at the image right in front of me. I love you and I love every part of you." he said it without conviction but I still struggled to believe him.

"It was just really for some release at first..." he words stung, he only did it fore release? He only thought about me for some release? "Then I thought 'screw that'. I have been fantasizing about you and just having fun on my own. I...I don't mean, that way..." he struggled with his words once again.

He sighed. "All I was meaning was, I knew it wasn't something that was in your mind. That's fine. I never wanted to pressure you. Men, they just function differently..." He shrugged with a guilty look on his face. "Especially when you take bloody Viagra. I even stopped that, but then I just felt that mount up too, I needed the general release, and I couldn't do it without the Viagra. I felt like I shouldn't, as if it was offending you. But I did it before we had the baby, so why stop?" he sighed again in frustration.

"Do I sound like a pervert?" He eyed me sceptically.

I shook my head. He wasn't some pervert. He was giving himself what I couldn't. It was natural to do it. I had touched myself on a few occasions.

"I've done it too." I sheepishly admitted.

His eyes narrowed. "You've been playing with yourself?" he asked amused.

I nodded again feeling ashamed that I hadn't shared this with him before. I knew he could touch me if he was careful not to go too far down, but he hadn't, not wanting to push me, and if I was honest, I was glad he hadn't. He had left that choice up to me.

"You're right, Edward. You give yourself what you need and do it without feeling guilty."

He chuckled lightly. "You're damn right I will be, and that image of you touching yourself will be top of the visuals."

I laughed at his words and found myself relaxing, feeling we had got over one other little huddle.

His fingers trailed my hip again and I felt it tingle from his touch. He was silently asking for me to allow him or deny him.

_How could I say no?_

Reaching his lips I kissed him as I let my hands reach up into his hair, feeling the soft texture run through my fingers.

I pushed closer to him, my chest pressing against him as his fingers gripped onto the flesh of my side, our kiss deepening.

_I needed this._

I thrived on his touch.

Sliding my leg up, I hooked it around his hip, causing him to hiss into my mouth and his grip to grow tighter.

I could feel his hard on press into my lower abdomen and I knew I was never going to refuse him.

He slipped a hand between us, touching me gently, stroking my clit. I struggled to keep in my whimpers of pleasure and I remembered we could make all the noise we wanted too, the apartment was empty.

His hand reached further down and I cold sense his uneasiness. I was fine, he knew that, but we both knew it wouldn't be like how it was before, not straight away at least.

He broke away from my mouth and looked me deep in the eyes. The jade pierced my soul and he only consumed me more and more.

"We don't need too..." he whispered out, and I knew for my self I needed this, never mind him.

"I want to, I want you." he only nodded at my words as he brought his hand back up, running it up my back and resting it on my shoulder before he swept away the hair from my neck.

He placed a trail of small damp kisses along my skin and knew I was ready for this. I felt a small bubble of apprehension at it, wondering if the change would be terrible. I hoped not.

"I'll be gentle." he promised. I could have laughed at the tone of his words, as if he was taking my virtue. But I didn't, because he was being extremely sweet and understanding.

He caressed almost every inch of my skin, relaxing me and teasing me at the same time. I was beginning to grow a little impatient for him.

He touched me and knew I was ready for him, as he pulled my leg higher up his hip, he penetrated me gently.

I could have wept from the intense gaze in his eyes, his mind constantly gauging my reaction and my comfort.

It wasn't comfortable at first, but as I took more of him slowly I began to feel myself relax a little more and it became a little more enjoyable.

"Are you okay?" his honey voice croaked out and I gave a little nod telling him I was fine.

I didn't feel entirely fine but I didn't want him to feel bad, for me to put him off. He deserved this.

As our two bodies moved with one another I began to feel only pleasure, the discomfort slowly dissipating.

His hands swept up my sides before he gently began to palm my breasts. It was amazing, the sensation, for him to be touching me. I couldn't believe I had gone so long without this.

My hunger for him only jumped and I pressed my self on, letting myself go and consumed him, consumed all of what I needed from him right in this moment.

Edward came fast and I couldn't blame him. It had been so long. I never climaxed but I was still more than content with what I had. I had him with me, the two of us together.

Edward spilled into me, his body jolting from the sensation and I held onto him tight, happy I was still able to satisfy my husband.

I kissed his neck and pulled gently on his hair, pulling him along with his orgasm. He slumped forward into me and I relished the weight of him on me once again. I had missed it also, but it was something I had been missing for a lot longer, Edward, ever cautious not to put weight on me during my pregnancy.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him into me, rolling onto my back and enjoying the full weight of him against me.

He sniggered in my ear, fully aware of what I was doing. "You really like that?" he sounded amused and confused all at the same time .

"Yes. I like to have you there." I settled my legs around him, Edward laying in between them. This was exactly how I loved Edward to lie with me.

"I'll crush you, you are tiny." he joked.

"I'm not as tiny any more." I shrugged, knowing the extra weight I had gained hadn't really left me, making me still self-conscious.

"You, Swan, are still tiny." He shifted down my body, his lips grazing off of my stomach. "But I love the little curves you have now." I felt a strong grip on my bottom. "And that ass...god, that ass..." he laughed as he palmed my backside with both hands, pulling me further down the bed and back underneath him.

His look instantly changed, his smile faded and he looked concerned. "Are you okay? Like do you feel okay?" he indicated his head down below, asking me if it was painful for him to make love to me.

"I'm fine." I told him with a smile.

"Fine?" he questioned. I was fine. "You never came. Do you want too or are you feeling too sensitive?"

I bit my lip and instantly he released it. "I'm a little sensitive inside, but it was good, I enjoyed it."

He nodded at my words before giving me a soft gentle kiss on the lips. "Do you...do you want me to give you a hand at the rest of it?" he quirked an eyebrow at me and it was so sweet, he seemed a little nervous.

I didn't know what to say or do. I wanted him, I wanted him to touch me and give me that release but I felt oddly shy in that moment. Vulnerable.

His nose grazed along my cheek and I relaxed under his tender touch once more and nodded my head.

We lay where we were as he leaned on one arm,stabilizing himself as his other hand began to touch me. "Let me know if I hurt you okay?" I nodded at his words, all the while looking into his green eyes.

His fingers traced my damp skin, circling my centre while all he while being gentle not to to do something I couldn't handle.

Our eyes never parted once, that soulful gaze looking right through me as I felt the pleasure begin to bubble.

He watched with amusement as I shifted below him, seeing it was only pleasure that etched my face.

Quickly I felt myself loose control and I closed my eyes trying to hold onto myself but Edward wasn't having it. "Open your eyes, Love." he whispered into my ear, My eyes opening up instantly and my being, shook moments later as my pleasure arrived. My hand gripped his, telling him to keep it going and I let the waves of pleasure fold out for a moment more.

I couldn't keep my eyes open after that. I closed them before I felt Edwards gentle kisses on my neck, shifting us back up to the pillows of the bed.

I shifted my arms around him once more, my grip, tight. He shifted me on to my side, my head resting on his chest and before I knew it, I was drifting off to sleep once more.

* * *

His nose brushed along the back of the shell of my ear as his arms wrapped around my waist even tighter before then kissing me in the crook of my neck.

We were in the shower – together, and it was great. I had forgot the last time I had a shower and had actually been able to enjoy it. All it ever was used for was to wash, no pleasure of relaxing under the hot spray.

But here I was, with Edward and we were in it together.

We had woke up a few hours later and lay in one another's arms for a little bit more, just talking about al the changes. We knew they were drastic but we wouldn't want it any other way. I was positive and so was Edward.

In the past four months we grew use to the idea that Masen had the condition and accepted it, what we struggled with truly was this whole new responsibility.

We both knew we were trying as hard as we could and that was all we could offer. We had realized that not long ago in bed after talking it through. The fight, the shouting. It all meant nothing. What was important was that we got through the first struggle together because then we knew we would make it through whatever was ahead. AIP tantrums from a teenager, included.

I felt so much lighter than I did last night. Last night it was as if a huge black cloud was over me and I could understand how Edward would feel when he was consumed by it. It was exhausting and terrifying at the same time. It literally felt like I was drowning, that I just couldn't catch breath.

Edward reached forward, turning off the shower. I couldn't complain. Any longer and the water would have been turning cold

I felt him wrap a huge towel around me before placing a small one over my head and trying to get all the excess water out of my hair. He patted him self off roughly before focusing his attention back on me again, rubbing at my arms, over the towel.

This was the Edward that I loved, the one that wrapped you up and took care of you. I loved Edward, full stop. But this side of him was always so gentle and attentive. It was as if he was caring for a prized possession.

"I thought since it was a nice day, we could go out a walk?" Edward asked. "The three of us." he finished off.

It was a nice day, summer was here and we hadn't saw any of it, yet. "That sounds nice." I nodded as I felt Edwards hands still pat away the damp from the shower, turning me away from him, his gentle strokes, drying the water off of my back.

"Maybe even grab some food, and have a bit of a picnic?" he shrugged, eyeing me up in the mirror.

I smiled and turned to face him before offering him a small kiss on the lips. "That would be really nice." it was the perfect idea.

"I think it's just what we deserve." It was at least what Edward deserved.

"You certainly deserve it." he told me, completely serious.

He draped my towel across my shoulders before smacking me gently on the backside, over my towel that I wore. I only laughed feeling like thing were beginning to settle on even ground once more.

"Lets get ready, I'll get changed and pick up Masen and make sure that he is all ready to go."

Leading me through to our bedroom, he left me to my own devices as he began to dress himself. In minutes he was ready for the day and I was still looking for the underwear to match my bra. Edward was trying, so it was the least I could do. I knew he expected nothing of me, not after this morning, but it made me feel good about myself too.

Edward disappeared and returned after ten minutes and once I was ready, we were off to the park to enjoy the sun we were given.

* * *

Finding a huge tree, we had sat down in the shade, laying out a shawl and stretching out. The park was busy but we had managed to find our own little utopia in amongst it all.

Edward had been constantly tugging at the hood of Masens pram, protecting him from any rays at all, he had even got a little mesh cover so to protect him from the UV as much a possible. He was always so concerned about his pale skin and I suppose knowing the pain it could cause, he was just doing his best.

Masen had cried for most of the walk but the noise around us seemed to drown him out a little and his cries blended in with the calls of the other children in the park. I knew he wasn't feeling to great but the fresh air would be good for him and he was due his next dose of medicine, so once we had settled we fed him it and he settled once again.

Sitting in the shade, Edward held him in close as we ate some lunch that we had picked up on the way and it was in complete contrast to how it had all been the evening before.

I suppose when life gets hard, its best just to accept those times and when its good, relish those ones.

Looking at my little boy resting in his dads arms, I couldn't help think how different it could have all been if I had ever bowed down to Edwards demands. I knew that even after last nights episode, I couldn't ever be happier and looking at Edward with that proud look on his face, I knew he felt the same.

This baby could have torn us apart but instead he only brought us closer like how I had imagined. All of Edwards, worries and woes had vanished and he had never struggled with the baby with his condition. I knew that it could happen, but so far there was nothing. The only real issue arising from his condition had been last night and it was directed at me. And when I struggled, he backed away before coming back to me, calm and collected.

Leaning forward I scooped Masen from Edwards arms and though he never put up a fight, you could tell he was al little put out by it.

"Hey." his words were low but the were joking. "It was my turn." his pouted lips blossoming, so I stole a quick peck at the same time.

I wanted a shot. "I want a shot." I told him right back squarely but still teasing. The atmosphere was so relaxed I don't think it was possible to do serious.

He rolled his eyes gave a soft shrug and sighed. "I think we should get another night off sometime." He looked at me questioningly, no doubt waiting for me to argue it but I felt like he was right.

I nodded. "I know...it was good to have a good sleep." I felt as if I had been reborn, I felt I had so much more energy and that cloud that seemed to constantly fill my mind, seemed clearer. "Maybe we should, I know their all happy to help us out."

The support we had from them had been astounding, the thing was, we had constantly refused them. My own stubbornness getting he better of me.

"Maybe even a dirty weekend away." he whispered out with a wink.

I had to laugh at that one, the first time we have sex in months and he's already planning a dirty weekend away. Though I did like the idea of it myself.

"Only if you promise some good food too." Then we had a done deal.

He laughed, nodding and agreeing. "Anything you want, Love." he leaned forward, stretching out to kiss me on the cheek.

He shifted on the shawl, sitting behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist and his right hand stroking the apple of Masens cheek.

"Who do you think he's more like?" Edward a asked , looking down at Masne.

There wasn't a doubt that it was Edwards son, he was the double of him, but I knew he was asking about his mannerisms but I struggled to think.

I shrugged. "I don't know. He's pretty well behaved but when he cries, god he's loud." We laughed knowing how right it was.

He was a charmer when he wanted to be, a lot like his daddy. He smiled away at you for ages without a break, he definitely seemed to try and communicate with us well.

"I suppose we will just have to wait and see who he's like." I still had a little hope that he would posses Edward's traits. I knew Edward only saw the bad, but he had a heart of gold and I knew if Masen ever loved someone like Edward loved me, they were extremely lucky.

I _really _didn't know how I got so lucky.

With the air growing cold, we packed up, Edward instructing me to tend to Masen as he cleared away the rubbish. He placed it in a trash bin not to far away and rushed back to us, wrapping an arm around my waist as I pushed the pram.

I couldn't ever truly complain that the hand I had been given. I was blessed and I knew that. Last night was just one of those bumps in the road. The only way forward to the next good time, was to push yourself forward and move on to it.

There would be days when it would be hell, I wasn't naive to that fact. I had days over the past decade that I would never want to think about again. But it was the memories of better times, better times that reminded me that when life gets hard, it can only ever get better.

* * *

_**a/n: ohh I hope to god you liked that – but we do still have the eppy to come.**_

_**Please review **_


	30. Epilogue

_**8th of May 2009 – that's when this all started, HOTRS chapter one was typed up and posted and I haven't looked back since. Thank you for all the support over the past year and thank you for taking the time out to read. It honestly does mean the world to me. **_

* * *

**Epilogue **

_**Four years later**_

**EPOV**

_Jacob Black_

He was the guy who's girl I stole, he was the one that I had caused pain to and he was the one person that could only ever put doubt in my mind that Bella shouldn't be with me, that she should be with him, simply because I knew he had loved and cared for her so much.

Jacob Black, was standing about all of twenty feet from me in the wide open garden at the reservation in LaPush. His eyes were locked onto mine and you could see the uneasy feeling he felt.

It had been over fifteen years since I saw him last, fifteen years since I had him press me up against a wall and punch me in the face. I deserved that punch, I deserved so much more from him. Had he battered me to pulp, I would have been deserving of that too. He had caught me in bed with his girlfriend. And though he deserved to beat the living crap out of me, I would have accepted it without compliant because I got what I wanted, I got what I needed. And that was, Bella.

I felt a force batter into my legs and glancing down I saw a little girl with tanned skin and almost black hair, swing from my calf. She wore a little denim cut off's and a little pink t-shirt. She looked beautiful. Big brown eyes that reminded me a little of Bella's.

Peeling her off my leg, I knelt down to speak to her, on her level. "So, what's your name?"

Her doe eyes looked at me all confused and she wobbled on her legs before falling down onto her bottom that was padded by her nappy.

"Trying to steal all my girls, Cullen?" I heard the voice call from above me and looking up, Jacob stood in front of me.

I hadn't spoke to this man since I saw him run out of my apartment almost fifteen years ago, but he was right in front of me now and talking.

Looking back down at the little girl, she was Jakes. It was clear as day.

I didn't know how to react to his words. There was a party going on. I didn't want a scene. No one that was here deserved a scene.

From the window behind me I heard a bang and I presumed it was Bella and that she was witnessing this right now.

Standing up, I met his eyes a little better but he was still taller than me, Christ he was a lot bigger than me too.

"You know, its a common complaint..." I gave a tight smile, trying to ease any tension that was there. For this not to turn into something it wasn't, something it didn't have to be.

He gave a tight smile back, clearly having the same thoughts as me. "So you met Lenny?" he asked nicely as he bent down picking up the little girl that still held onto my leg.

I knew Jacob had a child. He and another girl from the reservation got together a couple of years ago but had never got married. I didn't know much except that.

"She's something..." I nodded as Lenny curled in to her dads side, her face burring into his long hair.

"You should see her mother..." he rolled his eyes and shook his head as if to tell me she was something to be seen, a fire cracker perhaps.

"Is she here..?" I didn't know what to say, so it was best to stay safe.

"Leah, yeah. She was helping Bella out in the kitchen." he shrugged so nonchalantly.

It was surreal, it wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't quite hell either.

I knew he would be here, it was inevitable one day that we would meet. Bella had saw him a few times in the past few years. Charlie was marrying Sue tomorrow so he was going to be there, and today was a small birthday party.

"Daddaaaaaaaaaaay." the little sweet voice called, as she pulled on my denim leg. She tugged at the material a few times before I could even reach down to pick her up.

"Hey, munckin, what the matter? Too much sugar?" She shook her head answering me, no, not entirely sure what I was even talking about. Holding her tight into me, she rested her head on my shoulder, shy of Jake.

"Lexie, this is an old friend of your mums, Jake and his little girl, Lenny. Jake, Lenny, this is my little girl, Lexie."

Lexie, yeah...where to start with that one...

That little tiny baby, the one that my father showed me, making me realize my choices, well she came back and she was perfect. She had gone for more surgery to help her along until she grew a little more and she responded well to it. She was doing so great. But checks had to be done, to prove this to us. She needed invasive tests. Simple, standard...

I had saw her come in, her pink cheeks a far cry from the blue I had saw on her the day my father took me to her.

It wasn't right. I had saw her rolling on her back as her parents tickled her stomach in the morning. She had been giggling away. The tests went wrong, the doctor caused damage and they had to open her up. But it was too late, the damage was done and she couldn't be saved.

I remember hearing about it, flashes of the little blue baby and the little laughing girl with the flushed cheeks. That made sense, we made her better. But then she was gone.

I felt for her parents, only imagining the pain that they must have felt at the loss. I couldn't even begin to comprehend it.

In the hospital, you see them come and you see them go. Babies too, they can be so strong, so unbreakable... And there is times that they just lose that battle. She had lost hers.

I though about Masen, the fact we still had him. I prayed to god every night that we would never lose him so tragically. I had been holding on so tight to not having a baby, to protect them from the world, when really, there is nothing you can do but let them live and hope that they see it through as far as possible and that they are happy and that they know that they are loved.

I wanted a family.

I had a family.

_But I wanted more_.

Seeing that life being taken away so cruelly...It was hard to watch. For anyone to go through that worry and struggle and to make it through, just for it just all to be snapped away from them months later.

So...I stopped living in fear. I stopped worrying about what could happen and worried that they were okay, right now, that they were happy.

But was I happy?

I was. I was deliriously happy. We had our good days and bad day just like everyone else. But I was happy. _We were happy_.

My condition passed by the time Masen was eight months and I had never had another attack again. I held no medication on me, I popped no pills to keep me from crippling attacks and I skipped out on breakfast more than the odd time and never suffered, well I never suffered too much. I was still a greedy bugger who loved there food, only it wasn't anything I could use now as a toy, to manipulate and worry Bella when I saw fit just because I felt like I was having a bad day.

I had learned that even though my condition had passed, I still worried. I still grew a little too anxious and there were times I felt low. But I got through it. I also learned that in general I was just really a huffy shit by nature. A hard week at the hospital and I snapped at them all. Bella, like the trooper she always has been, never took it form me, mostly because there was no excuse for it now.

We were still just as open and honest with one another, and after living like that for so long, I couldn't have changed it if I tried.

So, we were happy. I had the family I always wanted. Well, almost the family I always wanted.

I wanted a _little_ _Bella_ and I still wanted her to have those god damn _little Bella shoes_.

Taking this to Bella was hilarious. The confused look across her face as I began to explain. She was sitting down but I still thought she was going to hit the floor in shock. The one thing I had argued with her on till the end, I was giving her without question. If she wanted it.

She never questioned me on it. Minus my AIP, she took my words as what they were and didn't wait for me to make sure. She knew if I had went to her with it, I had though it through. I couldn't put her through any doubt again.

Let's just say, second time round was a whole lot easier. She carried to full term and them some. She was desperate to get Lexie out of her on the day of her due date and did every trick in the book to kick start her labour. Mostly trying to drag me into bed. Not that I was complaining...

So we had her, we had, Alexis Elizabeth Cullen.

Lexie's brown waves hid her face as she buried herself into the crook of my neck, so shy, much like Jakes little girl.

"So you're the birthday girl?" Jake spoke with ease to her, obviously comfortable around children now that he had his own daughter.

She nodded her head against me, not looking at him.

"You know, when I was younger, I made your mum a cake for her birthday." He made her cake? I had never heard that story. "It was made of mud and had worms in it." that was her, her attention snapped to Jake, her face all screwed up at the thought of it.

"That's not nice." She mumbled her tongue still not quite able to speak the words clearly.

He only laughed. "That's what your mum said, too. But least I tried..." I don't think I could have even of manage that one.

"Edward..." Bella's voice called me and almost instantly she was right in front of me with Masens hand in hers. "Can you help me please..." she hissed oh so gently that warned me I was in trouble for something I had no clue about. "Jake..." she greeted him with a warm smile before narrowing her eyes at me.

"Can you take him. I swear to god, if we lose any more food for tomorrow, there will be no one eating at all." She was stressed and even though the wedding was going to be about as big as this birthday party, she was feeling the heat at offering to help.

I looked between the clean, shy little girl in my hands and the boisterous mess that was Masen.

It was incredible how different Masen was from me already. My mother swore blind he was just like Emmett at that age. In fact he had been like Emmett from about six months. That wasn't to say he wouldn't become like me when he hit puberty. No one had any idea until that time came.

I remembered the sigh of relief I gave when I had found out I hadn't passed on my condition to Lexie, but she was still like me when I was younger, then again, Renee and Charlie said she was just like Bella too.

"Bella, Love, Just breath." I told her calmly. Her eyes narrowed at me instantly, clearly infuriated at my blasé words. I wasn't trying to piss her off, she was just a little stressed.

"Don't tell me to, just breath. Help me out here." She sighed and I could hear she was tired.

"Okay, Masen, do you want a game of football?" It was the best way to burn him out. It was like a secret drug. Take him to the park to kick a ball around and he was out cold without a fight by bed time. "Bella, can you take Lexie, I think she's tired." I asked as I reached for Masens hair, messing it up, knowing fine well it would do anything but sit down nicely.

"She can't sleep Edward, she's two. We need to keep her awake, keep her in her routine. I though you were the doctor." she snapped at me.

I knew we never let her sleep during the day, but she wasn't the best traveller in the world, and the car journey up here the day before had left her more than a little unsettled.

"Plus, its her party. We cant let her sleep, she has to get her cake." She reminded me.

"Cake." Lexie called out at the same time Masen and Lenny's ears pricked up too, all three of there heads snapping at Bella.

Bella screwed up her eyes tight, gritting her teeth. "Edward." she snapped at me again.

"Okay. Sorry. I'll pass her to Sue." Sue was Lenny's grandmother but I knew that she doted on Lexie just as much, I suppose she would be her step grandmother come tomorrow. "I'll call your dad over for a game." I told her. "You in Jake?" I did my best to keep the friendly atmosphere flowing as much as possible.

"Sure, I'm in." Jake nodded instantly. "Let me just settle Lenny with Sue. I'll Take Lexie over to her too." he offered and I nodded, passing her to him, his strong bulk having no bother at holding onto two toddlers.

"Masen, want to come help me?" Jake had just shot up in my book of estimations, he was officially a bigger guy than me. I don't know that even after fifteen years, I would be quite as forgiving. He knew I needed a moment alone with Bella.

The four of them disappeared as I reached out to Bella, pulling her into to me, holding her in close.

"I love you." I promised in her ear and she laughed at my words knowing it _was_ and _wasn't_ what she needed to hear right now. "Give it time, they will be knocking down our door to sign you up."

After she went onto maternity leave for Lexie, we spoke about her not going back to work. I knew she loved her job. But she was wanting more time with Masen and Lexie and whilst doing that, she wrote her own novel.

I always knew it was something she needed to do. Something she should have pressed forward and done a long time ago. But now she had and now she was waiting to hear back from publishers.

She nodded at my words but I knew she took no heed at them.

I cupped her cheek, feeling her skin, warm from rushing around. "Do you need me to do anything?" I asked gently. I really wanted her just enjoy today for what it was. Her little girls birthday.

Shaking her head. "No, I just need you to keep an eye on Masen. He's been through everything in that kitchen. I swear, if his eating habits are as much like Emmett's as his personality is, he's going up for adoption." I chuckled at her words.

Kissing her on the lips, I left her to what she needed to do and I headed to the others for a game of football.

* * *

Wakening up in at the hotel, I stretched out my muscles as I glanced around the room finding Bella sound asleep along with Lexie and Masen sleeping in the other double bed. The two of them were great when they were sleeping. They looked like little angels. Lexie was an angel when awake too but Masen, as soon as he was up, all hell broke loose and everything was pulled out, switched on or my ears were about to burst with the sheer noise that boy could create. I loved it though and would never want him any other way.

I shifted closer to Bella's sleeping form, trying to take advantage of a quiet moment and see that she was okay for today.

I knew she loved Sue as if she was a second mother, she loved her in the way she loved Billy, but I still worried about her, just in case she had any concerns about her father. I knew she loved him and only wanted the best for him, but she worried too much about things that a daughter shouldn't have to worry about.

Reaching forward, I placed gentle kisses along the length of her collar bone, heading up to her neck. She shifted below my lips and I could feel she was wakening up.

"Morning, beautiful." I let my lips trail up to her ear before grazing my teeth off of the soft flesh of her ear lobe. She giggled and tried pushing me away but she wasn't really trying.

"Edward, behave. Their only sleeping across there." she whispered out with a nod to the other bed.

"Such a dirty mind, I was only trying to waken you up..." I lied. I was happy to tease the hell out of her. We would never have sex in the same room as our children but a lingering kiss sent to tease her was totally acceptable...I think.

"Hmmm, you forget I know how your mind works, Edward." her voice was still sleepy and it was an incredible turn on. I had to batter the thought out of my head instantly.

"Maybe...maybe I'll show you later." I smirked across her lips as I kissed her deeply again.

She sighed contently and I knew if I didn't drag myself away from her now, I could possibly find myself being arrested for being indecent in front of minors.

I pulled myself away from her, harbouring my want deep down inside of me for another time as I headed for the shower.

* * *

Bella's breasts sat in perfection in the little summer dress she wore. It was as if Alice had created a little ledge inside the dress to show them off on some kind of display. I needed to remember to send Alice a thank you card.

God I needed her. I needed to let my hands glide around Bella's sweet curves, I needed to taste those plump lips.

I was snapped back to reality when Lexie started to shuffle around on Bella's lap, becoming impatient at the ceremony we were witnessing. The wedding was taking place in Charlie s back garden as Sue was planning on moving in after the honeymoon. It was a nice setting, the forest right behind us.

"I'll take her." I whispered to Bella. She gave a small nod just as Lexie began to cry. Every head in the garden looked towards us, even Charlie, Sue and the priest, looked

Bella blushed as she silently looked at me pleading to take her away, so not to cause to much of a commotion. I took her look and discreetly slid out of my seat, heading back into the house.

I closed the door behind me, stepping into the cool air of the house. I hadn't realized just how warm it was today. I had my suit on but I never wore a tie and my shirt was left open but I still felt it choke me a little.

"What's the matter, beautiful?" I asked her as I checked her over, feeling her skin warm. She didn't appearer to show that she was feeling unwell so I assumed it was the heat of the day becoming too much for her. She sniffled in my arms, her little tears drying on my shirt.

Taking off her shoes, I tried to get her to cool down as I got her out a cool drink.

She was like Bella, except she had my green eyes. Her little waves swooshed around her head, just in the same motion as Bella's hair moved.

Sitting on my knee, she took the little sip cup from my hand and began to swallow it down. Her eyes gazed up at mine, all the while her left hand pulled on the sleeve of my jacket, scrunching the material. It was designer and cost a fortune but I didn't care. All I was worried about that she was feeling okay.

"Are you feeling better?" I asked her, cupping her little cherub cheek in my hand.

She nodded with a little tired smile and I knew she needed to rest, routine or no routine, She had too much heat today and it had tired her out.

Her little lids were heavy, you could see them flutter as she struggled to stay awake.

Pulling herself up into me with the lapel of my jacket, she rested her head on my chest and I knew she was looking to fall asleep on me, so I let her. I took her empty cup from her little hand and smoothed down her hair and I could hear her breathing change as she nodded off.

I sat there, letting her settle before I attempted to move her. But before I could, Masen wasn't to far behind, calling on me.

"Dad, dad, dad." he shouted at the top of his lungs as he rushed into the kitchen. He was almost four and a half and I suppose it was too much too expect him to sit through that without the need to get up and run about.

"Shush, Masen. Lexie is sleeping." I tried to warn him but not tell him off. He had been so good when he was younger at keeping quiet when we asked him too. To tell a two year old that they need to be quiet so the baby could sleep was never easy, but Masen watched out for Lexie and tried hard.

He stopped on his tracks, bowing his head a little to see her sleeping face. He reached up and gave her a little kiss on the head and my hear exploded at the sight. It was so sweet.

"She okay?" he asked, his little face full of worry, the same look that Bella would wear when she was worried.

"I think she feels a bit yucky with the heat." I tried to simplify it for him and he gave a silent nod, understanding.

He lifted up my free arm, settling himself below it and into my side as he sweetly patted her knee.

These were the times that made it all worth while. The sweet sincerity of a four and a half year old showing affection to his sister like this was amazing. The feel of them in my arms was amazing.

I sat there for a few minutes just enjoying it, Lexie in my arms and Masen standing into my side.

"Edward..?" Bella's voice called looking for me, and though she wasn't as loud as Masen, he still turned to her and gently shushed her, just like I had done to him.

Walking up to me, she knelt down the in front of me, looking at Lexie, before giving me a questioning glance as to why she was sleeping.

"She had too much heat, she was burning up and she was sleepy." she nodded silently, leaning forward kissing one of Lexies bare feet.

"You should put her to bed, let her get some rest." Bella's hand swept across Lexies cheek with that same look of worry that Masen had.

I nodded, agreeing, before I stood up and headed in the direction of the stairs as I heard Bella speak to Masen. "Okay, big boy, you think you can help your mummy out in the kitchen." I could have laughed, I knew within five minutes he would be causing chaos around there feet but she always tried to let him join in.

* * *

Walking out of the bathroom, I was met with Bella standing at the top of the stairs, leaning against the door to her old room.

I smiled to her and she silently gave out her hand for me to take. Reaching for it she opened her old bedroom door, pulling me through it and pushing me up against it, closing it with a small click.

"Thank you." She mumbled up against my lips before she kissed me. I had no idea what she was thanking me, but if she was kissing me, I wasn't going to argue.

She kissed me full of passion and I wondered what I had done to deserve it, not just right now, but in general. How the hell did that little obnoxious runt of a teenager get her...and keep her.

Breaking away from me, her eyes gazed up at me, full of soul and passion. Those two brown eyes could break me so easily.

"What you thanking me for?"

"For being perfect." she told me, completely serious.

I laughed at her words. I was very far from perfect and she knew it better than anyone, or at least she should know it.

She pressed further against me, kissing me once more with all the same intensity.

"What did I do to deserve this?" I teased as she broke away from my mouth once again.

"For being perfect." her eyes rolled as if I was crazy. "For being so good earlier and helping keep Masen out from under my feet." Her stress levels had peak earlier as she fought to prepare the food with the others earlier.

It had been a simple day and they kept it that way by making food themselves but it had put a burden on Bella, no that she would ever think of it that way, she loved to cook and was happy to help. "How could I ever thank you?" She smiled sheepishly at me as she winked, that blush in her cheeks growing.

Instantly I had changed our positions and now it was me who had her pressed up against the door.

"Here?" she asked gob smacked, her face full of a shock as well as a smile.

I tried to keep my laugh low from the look on her face. "Why not?" reaching down, I kissed the top of her breast, desperate for them.

She only laughed as I felt her fingers run through my hair, her short nails scratching my scalp.

She breathed deeply and shook her head, composing herself. "No. We can't. It's not right."

"We're in your bedroom. And correct me if I'm wrong but I do believe you have had your way with me more than a few times in this place." she turned scarlet again and I knew I needed her, my trousers were growing tighter by the second.

She still looked hesitant, so I stopped, not wanting to push her and make her feel uncomfortable.

I rested my forehead against hers and I could see her bite down on her lip as usual.

"What are you thinking about?" She bit down on her lip when she was worried or her mind was churning away.

"How quiet we would need to be?" her eyebrows rose up at me, shyly and I chucked. She wanted to, she was just worried about the noise.

"Love, they have music on, and there outside." She considered my reasoning for a second before crashing her lips into mine and griping at my hair once again.

Breaking our kiss I trailed kisses down her throat and to her heaving chest. "Do you have any idea the things this dress has been doing to me today. Your boobs look fantastic in it." She laughed at my words as she rested her head against the door, allowing me to roam the top of her torso, kissing her.

My hand found the bottom of her dress, and I let my fingers trail along the smooth skin of her leg, gripping onto the back of her leg. Her dress was all bunched up at one side and bunched up the other, grabbing onto her other thigh as I continued to kiss her, reaching her lips once again.

Her fingers slipped out from my hair and went straight to my zip, unfastening me before she released me from my boxers. I quickly pushed myself inside of her as she let out a gasp and grabbed at the material of my shirt by my waist.

I kissed her furiously as she continued to gasp in my mouth, at my hard motions inside of her. Her grip only growing tighter as she held on to my side, pulling me in further to her all at the same time.

Her hands once again reached my hair and she began to tug on the ends of it, sending me closer to the edge. I didn't know if I could handle that right now also. It was doing something to me, something crazy. It was fantastic. I could feel her tensing, her hands gripping on to the back of my neck, tight.

I pressed right against her, right up against the door, while all the time trying to keep the noise to a minimum.

I could feel her shallow pants next to my ear as she hit that wall, sending it crumbling. She tighten around me, trembling, pushing me on as we both came at the same time. I felt my body convulse contently at what was happening.

I was done for. I gently dropped her legs before I quickly tucked myself away and catching my breath, my palm flat against the door, trying to stable me as Bella tried to fix her dress out, trying to stop the satin from creasing, and ultimately being busted.

"Have I told you how much I love that dress?" I breathed out deeply, still gasping for air.

Bella chuckled at me, shaking her head. "Yeah, but now it looks like I've been having sex in it." she motioned to the fine wrinkles that weren't to noticeable.

"That's because you did have sex in it." I reminded her pointedly.

She rolled her eyes at me before playfully smacking the back of her hand off of my chest.

"Behave." she warned, but her tone told me to do anything but.

Once she was content with the ways she looked, we headed back down the stairs, making our way outside to the others.

Finding myself a seat, Masen was climbing all over me, prattling away, talking non-stop nonsense that kept me laughing. He played with the pockets of my suit, pulling out my wallet and going through its contents.

My attention wandered to the grass, where the others were dancing. Bella stood in Jacobs arms, laughing.

It was good to see that after all this time, things had been left in the past. The guilt crippled me at the time we had been caught, because Bella had lost her best friend, Jake. I knew she never doubted her decision to be with me, to pick me. But I did worry that she sometime doubted the fact that she picked me over her best friend. They were the same person, I knew that, but she had lost so much with her choice and it pained me to see the pain she tried to hide at not having him in her life.

His hand sat politely on her hip. It didn't make me mad or jealous. I knew she would never want to change her life. I was sure of it.

"Daddy, when I'm a big boy, will I get one of these?" Masen held up my wallet to show me exactly just what he was talking about.

"Yeah, when you're a bigger boy." I promised him, tapping his nose as he shuffled on my knee once again.

"When I start school, mummy says I'll be a big boy. Do I get one then?" He looked at me so expecting. If he wanted a wallet he could have one. God, I'd give him the world, him or Lexie.

"I tell you what, I'll take you to the mall and we can buy one for you starting school. How does that sound?" His face lit up and his eyes sparkled at my words. He was a tad spoiled. I knew that. Bella tried her best to stop me. And most of the time she got her way. But he could have this one.

He kissed me on the lips before wrapping his little arms around my neck, silently thanking me.

I combed his hair with my fingers trying to tame the mess. Bella said she quite liked it, that it made him look like me. I didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

"Does aunt Alice's shop sell wallets?" he asked as he pulled back, looking confused.

"No, she only sells clothes for girls. I'll take you to the big boy shop and you can pick one." he smile again and nodded, still playing with my wallet.

Alice and Jasper were still together, still much the same. They hadn't had any children yet but they did plan on starting soon.

After finding out that they couldn't have children, Rosalie and Emmett decided to adopt. Offering a cute little girl a new beginning after she had been left abandoned. The process was long and drawn out but they got through it and both of them were excellent parents. Rosalie was going to have that girls just as spoiled as I was going to have Masen and Lexie.

My mum an dad relished more grandchildren. They loved to look after them and frequently did. They became a big support to us, letting Bella and I have some time to ourselves when we need it.

Masen grew bored with my wallet and left it on my lap as he slid down and rushed off to dance with Leah, Sue's daughter, Jacobs girlfriend.

Lexie smiled away as she sat on Charlie's knee, the ever proud grandfather. He tickled her sides and she looked like she was going to fall off, but I knew I could trust Charlie with her.

Placing my wallet back into my pocket, I headed to Bella and Jake. They were still dancing and talking away happily, but I wanted in, I wanted a dance with my wife.

I tapped Jakes shoulder and his head snapped round to meet my eyes.

"May I?" I asked as I glanced to Bella.

"Of course, she's all yours." He nodded, letting go of her and letting me move in.

"Thank you, Jake." Thank you for everything. This guys broken heart had gave me my family. I would always be in debt to him.

It had been another great day. The warm air still kept a heat in us even as night drew in and the festivities continued. It was a small group, but they made up for it in spirit.

Wrapping my arms around Bella's waist, she reached up and kissed my lips.

"You seemed to be having fun." She nodded with a warm smile on her face and it was nice to know it was related to Jake. It eased the guilt I had. I had gotten over my guilt, but seeing that, it really did make me happy.

"It was nice to catch up again. He's opening up a second garage in Port Angales at the end of summer." They had spoke a few times over the past few years and I knew that they were on level terms again but to see it, it was good. I had always felt jealous at the mention of him, but tonight, after he had been relatively welcoming to me, I couldn't be. He was genuinely a nice guy.

"Nice..." I told her not really wanting to talk about him any more. All I wanted was to hold her.

"Its been a couple of good days." It really had been, the weather had been great and the atmosphere was even better.

"It has. I'm sorry if I was ever pissy with you though, I...I was-"

"Just a little stressed." I finished for her. "You don't need to apologize, my pissy moods well out number your pissy moods, and that's not even talking about the AIP." She knew I could be a moody brat at times for no reason at all, Bella always had a reason so she deserved to be moody if she wanted too. She only smiled at my words.

"How are you doing anyway?" After all she had spent most of the day running around, organizing everyone else. She could have given Alice a run for her money after today.

"Good. It's been a great day. It would have been nice if my mum had been here but I understand why she didn't"

"We'll go visit soon." I promised. It had been too long since she had saw her mother. She deserved to see her and she could do with the holiday. We would have to drown Masen in sun protection but we would take care of that. His pale skin was so sensitive, he had layers of the stuff of for the wedding and had managed to keep him in the shade for most of the day.

She sighed contently, resting her head on my shoulder as we swayed gently to the music. "You're too good to me."

I laughed at her words, she was the one that was good to me. She had literally given me everything in my life that was worth breathing for.

Life couldn't be any more different from what I thought it would be when she told me she was having a baby. I was so glad for her own will and sheer determination to prove me wrong, because she had. I had been so wrong, but I was learning to accept these kind of things now.

There was a quote I heard once:_ The day the child learns that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise._

I wouldn't say I was wise, but I do forgive myself. I forgive myself for giving Bella a life of hell that I can't erase, I forgive myself for wanting the things I do in life and taking them, despite the risks. To forgive myself, I learned I had to be selfish and that sometimes its okay to be like that. Its okay to want things and have them, despite the arguments against them.

It's not wrong. And that feeling of guilt, the way I punished myself, it was my heart worrying, worrying about all the things that could go wrong. But just because they could go wrong, doesn't mean they will. The simple things we think are straight forward and we don't take a second thought on are usually the things that catch us off guard, the unexpected.

We cant sit around, avoiding the things we want, "just in case". Doing that only leads to a life that would be as well as gone. Keeping the odds at bay and never taking a risk isn't living, it's surviving.

And its not the way to exist.

Nothing is sure in life.

No guarantees.

And sometimes that's the better way to live

Because, at the end of the day,

_We cannot change the cards were dealt;_

_Just how we play the hand._

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**_fin_**

* * *

_**a/n: Please, one last time, or maybe the first time, Review. Help me get to a 1,000 reviews for the last chapter! **_

_**I would love to just thank everyone that has read this, the ones that started with me at the beginning in May last year, to the ones that began to read HOTRS only days ago. **_

_**I'd also like to give a shout out to Jadalulu, who pushed this for me and helped me get so many more readers after her amazing review of HOTRS and also everyone else that has pushed it onto there friends.**_

_**Please I beg, join me on 'The Saints are Coming' if you haven't already. I will be UD'ing within the next few days hopefully.**_

_**Thank again, you have been amazing. I know the errors in my stories are so distracting but you have stuck with me for the story I had created and that means a lot. None of my English teachers would ever believe this lol.**_

**_Author alert me for any oneshots and deleted scens to this story. And of course, ideas are welcome._**


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